I'm ashamed of myself
 

I'm a horrible person. I've had a stressful week, what with car troubles and things, and I had a crying meltdown last week and a throwing things/anger meltdown yesterday. I snapped viciously at my friends/co-workers yesterday.

I don't even know why I was so upset yesterday. But I know why I'm upset now. I apologized to my friend, and I think apologies are important, but apologies don't erase the behavior. I don't want to be that person--that moody person who thinks she can just say I'm sorry and everything is okay again.

It isn't. I'm an adult, and I should be able to control my emotions, and accept the consequences of my actions. And I do--I am just pretty ashamed of myself today. Of course--that makes me weepy and sad, which is still moody.

Crap. :thepain:

Cloud, did you not just have a hysterectomy? Couldn't this be hormonal? get yourself checked out and don't beat yourself up. it could be worse -you could still be being bitchy and be completely unaware of it.

ugh. don't want to take hormones. maybe I just need drugs, though.

Typical cat lady. :lol2:

Hey, it'll be ok, not to worry.

ha! re: "typical cat lady" -- I went home yesterday very upset, and hugged and petted my kittieboys. It did make me feel better. Animal companions are wonderful, aren't they?

Why not? You've already messed about with the body's natural balance....

I know, i hate taking stuff too, but sometimes it really is a good idea.

I hate to go to Drs too but you may want to try a progesterone cream that is readily available at health food stores.

yeah. and I really need to take my black cohosh supplements, but I keep screwing it off. and back to exercise.

crying today. at work. still. double crap.

Normal reaction. Talk to your doctor. Odds are you'll need something to balance things out. Give it some thought and maybe just try it out.

You're a nice person Cloud. I think it's important to you to have people think of you as a nice person too.

Be good to yourself.

:hug: Hope you feel back to "normal" soon Cloud.

You are not a horrible person. You are a lovely person. You are going through some physical changes that are impacting on your emotions and state of mind. Whether or not you choose to take hormones is a decision for you, but you need to recognise the effects hormonal changes may have on you and at the very least give yourself a break :P Right now you're having to deal with the maelstrom of emotion brought on by those hormonal changes and a bunch of guilt, remorse and confusion to go with them. Those last three things are of no use to you. When you've hairtriggered at someone or are having trouble managing your emotions, the last thing you need to be doing is beating yourself up about that. Those things say nothing about you the person. They only speak to your hormonal balance. It will pass, possibly faster with help and treatment, but it will pass. You're the same well-balanced, reasonable and passionate person you always were and a period of hormone induced emotional turbulence doesn't change that. In any way.

*hugs* sucks though. Not nice feeling that way.

ah, peeps, thanks for the words of encouragement. It would be nice to blame it on hormones (shrugs) but I've always been a very moody, mercurial person. I have no way of knowing if a hormonal imbalance is even present.

My doc and I discussed hrt, and he didn't want to put me on anything right away. I've been trying to manage things myself, and I still want to do that.

I haven't been exercising, and I need to exercise every single day (or 6 days a week); for balanced mood control if nothing else. I also need to take my supplements, and will look into the progesterone creme.

Whatever--I mostly do NOT want to treat my friends that way. It sucks.

Okay okay but don't beat yourself up, hey. You have apologised and no, we all know that doesn't make it OK, but it's a good thing to have done. Hug yourself, Cloud (you know we want to!).

Friends know how it is, and friends will hope that you will give them the same forgiveness when they are a little off-kilter. so quit whining and get your butt in that pool and swim some laps. Or lift weights with your piercings. or something. ;)

i'm working on it. hopefully tomorrow will be better.