Ex husband rant
 

Have to get this off my chest:

My ex-husband has turned into a complete right-wing, fundamentalist Christian--goes to one of those mega churches. That's all he does--does his AA thing, reads religious books, goes to church and watches Rush Limbaugh. Pressures the rest of the family to be churchy and acts offended when we aren't. We never have been, and he knows that.

I'm about as liberal personally as a person can get, and I just am having a hard time with this.

So, I understand about the "higher power" thing, and considering that he's been sober for 25 years; that's fine. I DON'T understand how he turned into a right-wing conservative fundie, though. He was a hippie like me when we were married--I had to fight him to get the kids baptised even. He never exhibited even the tiniest iota of spirituality when we were together, so it freaks me out -- it's like a total cultish personality change. I worry that he's been brainwashed or something.

So, after many years of fairly cordial relations (we've been separated and/or divorced since 1983) I can now barely stand to talk to him. We have nothing in common anymore except the kids. It makes me very sad, the kids are freaked out.

Furthermore, I am struggling with my distaste and prejudice against Christians. I find organized religion evil, and fundamentalists of any sort hateful. But I don't want to be a hater, because that's bad. It's a dilemma I don't know how to resolve, except just to try to be more compassionate.

Rant; yeah--thanks for listening.

The chances of reasoning with him are probably somewhere between slim and none. That only thing that seems to work with people that have gone off the deep end, is some life shattering experience... and there's a 50/50 chance it'll make them worse.

Avoidance is probably your best option.

Oh, I agree. Entirely unreasonable, and I avoid him whenever I can. But I can't avoid him completely--all those grandkids birthdays, etc. I just smile and make small talk.

But it's very sad to me--he's essentially my oldest friend, who I cannot relate to anymore.

Thanks for responding, Bruce.

Well, it sounds like you and he certainly went in the opposite directions from what you used to be. You say you hate organized religion and you were the one fighting to get the kids baptised. He was the one you had to convince to get them baptised and now he is a total right winger.

It's a no-win situation. Like Bruce said...avoid him when you can. When you have to be near him, be cordial. If he starts talking religion, tell him you aren't comfortable talking about it with him and change the subject. If he keeps it up, remove yourself from the situation.

I am republican, but far from a right winger. I'm, I guess, what you'd call a moderate. I'm pro-choice, pro-gun and anti-big socialistic government. And I absolutely hate goody-goody soccer moms whose only political view is that they are religious and hate abortion. There is more to politics than abortion.

Anyway, I hope I've been helpful.

Yeah, I think we would have grown apart, even if it wasn't for the whole horrible-alcoholic-to-the-point-of-losing-everything- bit. I told my kids we would have probably ended up divorced anyway. They weren't too happy about that, but it's the truth.

The right wing is particularly vocal and violent, now that Obama is President. They feel threatened.

So you get people praying that Obama will die and go to hell - or course they feel that second part is more or less automatic.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fq9G44tomKY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kUHS5u8v1Ck

We are an extremely divided nation, and things like abortion, gay rights, and now health care are driving some people off the deep end.

Let's face it, for the most part the fundamentalist views on sexual morality are ignored even by the members of those churches. How many first marriages do you suppose are performed in your ex's megachurch where both partners are virgins? I doubt that the number is statistically significant, yet I feel sure that the minister preaches against fornication.

Bottom line is that they are fighting a losing battle, albeit a very lucrative one for them.

So far as organized religion is concerned, many of the main stream Protestant Churches are quite reasonable. As an Episcopalian, I am very gratified at the Church's position on gays and other issues.

Your doubtless needs some kind of rigid framework to keep him from thinking for himself, and this maybe keeps him in line. Just be glad he is an ex.

It is scary how divided we are. I've changed my feelings over the years about religion--the baptism thing and my confirmation were during the only period in my life (about 2 years) where I went to church regularly. I appreciate spiritualism, but, as you say, don't need or want the crutch of being told how to think.

I just . . . wish I could still relate to him.

Sometimes I think people who completely hate their ex are the lucky ones. :(

Hang in there Cloud.

There probably are not soothing works for situations like this. When you lose a friend, no matter the circumstances, there will always be a hole left behind. I hope as time goes by that hole shrinks or it is less noticeable.
Things might be different, but you might be able to find other things to relate to him about that will keep the subject away from religion and politics. Y'all can talk about your kids and grandkids affably I hope.

If he insists on talkin about politics/religion, I think you should insist on talking about all your womanly problems (or similar subject to make him uncomfortable.)

Laughs at "womanly problems."

We talk about the kids. As little as possible. Fortunately they're grown women now. They made it through to adulthood alive and sane.

I haven't been there to witness what you are describing but have you thought about it from his perspective? Imagine him ranting about his poor delusional exwife - who has been his exwife for more than 25 year - who just doesn't understand how important it is to cultivate a relationship with God?

I'm just suggesting you think about it for a second. He probably has the same concern for you that you have for him. Regardless of what you actually believe about God/religion, he does believe it which makes him just as right in his mind as you are in yours.

Oh, believe me I have thought about it from his perspective, and I'm sure he thinks I'm pretty strange.

Thing is, I've always been that way, and the way I am now is just an extension of how I began--he isn't. It's like he had a total 180 degree personality change in mid-life; one that is quite distressing to the rest of the family.

I appreciate your balanced approach, though.

Every story has 83 sides, you know.

I reconnected with a childhood friend thru facebook, and although it's not remotely the same situation, I understand your sadness.
She's so different than the friend I remember, not just grown up, but like you say almost brainwashed in her politics and religion. She has nothing to say that's even about her, everything is about Obama or the troops or the nation going to hell in a hand-basket.

I asked her to stop sending me all that crap and mentioned how much I'd like to hear about her life.... she apologised and stopped for a short time, then started up again using a different email address... like she can't help herself. It's just sad. That must be so much worse with someone you were so much closer to.

There's a short-circuit that connects in people's heads when they've found "the one true answer to [whatever]" and they get such a powerful feeling of satisfaction from being so right about it that it pushes away other things.