08/30/02: A Metaphor For Moving On
 

I don't really have very many good friends in real life. This is partly a matter of choice, and partly a matter of circumstance.

I've spent nearly my entire life in one small city. I was comfortable there, I had plenty of friends, and I had no problems meeting new people. When I moved to my current city to go to college, however, my unfamiliarity with the town caused me to become nervous around new people and situations. This sounds ridiculous, but somehow, I know it's true. Somehow, in some vague way that I don't understand, town and friendship are connected.

I've met a few people here and have had incredibly amazing conversations with them. I typically don't make arrangements to meet the person again, though. Why is this?

One factor in this is that I do have an active life that I enjoy engaging in. It just happens to be a relatively solitary one. I have a lot of fun and really enjoy my life the way it is. If I meet or call someone, that means i'm effectively vetoing my guaranteed fulfulling activity for a potentially boring waste of time. On one level, i've made a concious decision not to have friends.

However, I can't help but think that maybe i'm not making the right choice. I don't really feel like I have time for superficial conversations, but it sure would be nice to get a regular dose of the amazing conversations.

I also have a real problem managing my time with school, so that might be a part of it too. I just don't have time to go hang out with people every night.

This is all very nebulous in my head. I have this solitary life and I really kind of like it the way it is. But i'm also questioning whether or not that's really the way it should be. Because I see these people that i've had these amazing conversations with, and I can't help but think why in the hell i'm choosing not to talk to them more often.

I suppose my real question to myself should be, do I not have more friends because i'm too busy, because I enjoy being alone, because i'm nervous in new situations (not sure if that's true), because everyone i've met is incredibly dull (a possibility), because I don't know anyone (doubt it), or because I never go anywhere? Or perhaps it's a combination of all of these?

Sounds to me like you haven't had much practice making friends. I thought I was like that myself, until I got into sales work. I discovered that, owing to having moved fairly frequently as a child, and very frequently as a military man, I was actually very efficient at making friends. I had just been satisfied with making a small circle of friends and acquaintances. If I were just to keep at being friendly, and being interesting by being interested, I could have lots and lots of friends and aquaintances by just talking to people.

The really enduring friendships come from doing the really fulfilling things (whichever things those are) in the company of others who find fulfillment in the same things. That's a big reason the

Society for Creative Anachronism still holds its membership.

If you are not naturally gregarious, dont feel like your life should be a beer commercial. Go for quality. Give it time and take some chances, make the gesture to get together. You moved to a new place and everyone is a stranger- that should be intriguing. You get to be a stranger too. So its an adventure. Cool people turn up when you dont expect them to. Keep your eyes and ears open.

I know its virtually impossible, i've got an extended circle of over 200 'friends' but only 4 close ones i see regular) but find people that interest you, people that capture you, people you want to talk to and can talk to for hours, without ever being bored.

I think I see what you're saying. You had the ability to make friends, you just chose not to use it very often. Perhaps that is the case with me? I'd like to think it is.

I should also note that i'm not wallowing in depression, or anything like that. I had a great day today. It's just that i'm really really overanalytical about my life. Some people plan for their careers, their vacations, etc. I plan for myself. I ask myself hard questions that I think need answers.

I can't help but notice that most people in my college aren't as obsessed with computers as I am. A friend of mine from work was telling me that she doesn't like being around people who aren't passionate about something. This rings true with me, too, I think. They don't necessarily have to be computer people, but I do enjoy being around people who get excited about something. I have met a couple of people at the university who love computers as much as I do. If I were smart, i'd get to know them.

I've definitely got quality. This has been one of the best years of my life. Odd, since I mostly just study, surf the web, and spend time with my wife. I guess you're saying not to worry too much about it, though. That's probably good advice.

I should also add that my father spent a great deal of his life living in a cabin on top of a mountain and flying hang gliders. Perhaps my compelling instinct to be alone is genetic? :] Not that I necessarily need to be like that, but I definitely need some alone time on a fairly regular basis.

That's my problem, I think. Prolonged contact with most people I know causes me to become incredibly bored. I'm the same way as you, though. I know a <i>lot</i> of people. I'm just not close with any of them.

I've been watching myself since I wrote this, and I've come the the conclusion that I make a concerted effort to push people away. I'm keeping everyone but my wife at a safe distance. I don't remember what all I wrote above, but i'm pretty sure this is it.

I guess i'm happy the way I am, but it's always good to know potential weak spots. The next time I decide to go through a life change, perhaps i'll give this a critical look.

Safety first.