Dear Alcohol...
 

Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a HUGE fan of yours.

As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed.

The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game and you're even around at the holidays (hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings). However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions.
While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone Calls/Text Messages:
While I agree with you that communication is important. I question the suggestion that conversation after 2 a.m. can have much substance or necessity. Why would you make me call my ex's? Especially when I know, for a fact, they DO NOT want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night.



2. Eating:
Now, you know I love a good meal.
But, why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat AFTER a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater but, I think you went too far this time.



3.Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer this issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.

Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.



4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order. But, the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot.
I ask that if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out (face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn or wherever).

The hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.



Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.


In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately.


I will look for an answer no later than Friday 3 p.m. (pre happy hour) on your possible solutions. And hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.



Thank you,
Your Biggest Fan

P.S.




Please take e a moment or two and note the
following items below that I think may be of some
interest to you.






THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative


2. Preliminary


3. Proliferation


4. Cinnamon


THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1.Specificity


2. British Constitution


3. Passive-Aggressive Disorder


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN
DRUNK:
1. Thanks but I don't want to have sex.





2. Nope, no more beer or jager bombs for me.





3. Sorry but you're not really my type.





4. Good evening, officer.
Would you like a soft taco?


5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

Everything you just said up there I take very, very seriously.




and thanks for the reminder.

I am 33 days clean today.

I know you do Brianna and way to go! You are awesome! ;)

i have nothing of value to ad to this thread, but i was here, so i figured i'd say:

@vana: lol
@bri: WTG! YGG!

I miss my friend. He hasn't been around for 120 days now :(

Oh, and all those things are pretty accurate in my experience. lol Very funny...although maybe I shouldn't be laughing...

Ah, this thread is about truth serum. Cool.

Ah, I didn't mean to be a wet blanket.

Sometimes I get seriously too serious!

P.S. Please explain the rug burn on my forehead.

I didn't think you were being a wet blanket. I was just having a moan. ;)

Last weekend I was lying on the couch listening to the neighbourhood and staring at my cocktail supplies and wishing there wasn't such a thing as foetal alcohol syndrome. lol But anyway, it's good to not drink for a while. Maybe I'll just not start again (although I find that hard to believe).

Dear alcohol

Please stop having such insidious control over my thoughts. Just because I have an hour to kill somewhere, I do not need you to keep me company. I have a book with me - I always have a book with me - so it's not necessary.

And stop suggesting that just because other people are meeting you on Friday night then I need to too. I could just as easily join them for a soft drink you know. Oh and that's the other thing - if I do want you around for a couple of hours, stop sneakily suggesting that we make it an all-nighter. I sleep far better without you, enjoy waking up without the smell of you hanging around and certainly don't need you prodding me in the bladder at 05.30.

If you stop making such a big deal about being in my life I might keep you around, okay?

Bri,

I'm with ya, I'm allergic to the stuff, I break out in hand cuffs.

Bravo, still dry here as well.

[SOLIDARITY]
Here too.

Same

Well - I've been very very good. Not totally dry, but well behaved :0)