What makes you feel like offing yourself tonight
 

Not tonight, necessarily. But it's been a theme since my diagnosis. With this cancer there is no cure, there is no complete remission. I stood up and fought the good fight, had the surgery, survived the damnable complications (don't ask); survived the chemo with most of my neurons intact. Not all, but most, and I can get by.

I lost my faith in anything a long time ago, so I have no idea what faces me when my heart and brain stop working. That isn't a variable in the equation of whether to continue existing here, or whether to advance to what (if anything) lies beyond.

I cope just fine in the daytime, get up at 0600 and feed the cats, go to work. I arrive early, in time to look up references pertinent to the patients I'll see during the day. I see my patients, do my best by them, write up all the paperwork and documentation.

I spend time doing research on safety issues, important issues, things I want to see done better - so that tragedies don't repeat themselves. I've seen so many tragedies, want to prevent those we can, avert the grief.

At night it's a different story. I live alone, do my work, work out, go to bed, and still I have to fight this feeling that I'd be better out of this world. That I'm living on borrowed time anyway, so what does it matter. I'm waiting for my Stage 4 diagnosis, waiting for the news that I'm treatable but not curable. But that's the news I had from the beginning: this cancer is treatable but not curable. So what does it matter? I'm dead woman walking.

I hate the Pink Industry, Pinktober, Nancy Brinker's personal pink jet and all the rest. It's all about the lie that breast cancer is preventable, detectable, erasable. Nancy Brinker has done very well out of her sister's death. But this cancer continues to kill more than 40,000 women every year in this country.

For now, I can cope with my workload. I worry about starting my new job in July. I'll have to show that my diagnosis doesn't impact my abiity to do my job. I won't have the same support system around me.

I've been unlucky enough to be the one in eight who gets this disease. It's not my first experience of lousy luck/circumstances. I don't know why I should continue striving, trying to move ahead. For what?

For what? For you. For something to do.
If you are unhappy doing it, you can find something that appeals to you more, but you have to be doing something. Of course you'd take a lot of heat about wasting you education/training, if you decided you'd rather be a barista or a truck driver, but fuck it. You're choice.

[evil laugh] You can always pull a, poor little me, cancer victim, long enough for critics to run away embarrassed. [/evil laugh]
If the evenings are a problem, you need an evening distraction. Maybe stargazing or voyering the men at the YMCA.

I seems to me that you've been in turmoil for awhile, with the divorce and cancer, exasperating kids, and remarriage. You're just getting to calmer waters after a couple of years of careening around like a pinball. Does it look like you'll be bored?

Physician, heal thyself. No srsly, get to a shrink or counselor. You didn't really think you'd get through this without a depression creeping in, did you? I know it's hard to own, especially for doctors, but it's ok to seek help. consider it a friendly second opinion. It doesn't have to impact your new job, but it will if you let it.

Bruce, you've been a friend. Do you really think I'm a pity party drama gurrlll 'what should I do with my next gel mani' sort of person?

I have endless things to do; that's not the problem, and it keeps me distracted until I"m alone at night. I'm not bored.

monster, I know I'm depressed. I own my anger and rage. I've gotten meself to a counselor/shrink who (both) told me that my problem is I think I'm broken.

Rendering respect where it's due, I think my problem is a bit different.

I had to Google gel mani', I'd have never figured that out.:haha:

I didn't even infer I thought it was a pity party, I'm pretty sure I know exactly where you were coming from, it's not unfamiliar territory. You stated your problem, it's probable cause and effect as you see it, and what you predict will be your probable future path, which you didn't much care for.

But then you asked, " I don't know why I should continue striving, trying to move ahead. For what?"

I don't believe that was a rhetorical question. While I admit my response was a little tongue in cheek, I tried not to be flippant while addressing, "At night it's a different story."

In your chastising me post, you say, "...and it keeps me distracted until I"m alone at night. I'm not bored."

OK, you're not bored, just insufficiently distracted.

Nights have been a problem for many months. I do well during the day; I do everything I can. Nights remain a problem, and I've tried various means to cope. Exercise, early bed, sleep meds, yada yada yada. And yet I remain, as you say, insufficently distracted.

I don't have the access to meds that Trilby did. That's the only difference.

Obviously you need more sex to exhaust you, then you'll drop right off to the land of nod. :yesnod:
Sheep aren't just for counting, you know.

Ewe are fucking funny!

have you tried the weed?

or maybe guitar?

or NOT THINKING?

try that. too much internal narrative, too much dread of the future, regret of the past.... too much thought. shut that brain off until you need it for something. it's a tool, not your identity. be the vessel that holds it. just be.

Sheep and fucking in the same sentence? What does that cure?

Not thinking is very good advice. Not thinking helps me a lot.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I747 using Tapatalk

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn...030202723.html
http://www.pinterest.com/uberECOcool...ics-with-gold/


“She had only one flaw. She was perfect, otherwise she was perfect.”


― Truman Capote

this

Be careful, Non thinking can lead to enlightenment.

Not thinking - clearly I need to do more of it. That IS the problem at night, some nights at least. Must work on learning to meditate.

Kintsugi is a beautiful concept. Thank you, foot3 - I've never run across it.

If only it's that easy.

True. I think many people confuse its being simple with it being easy.

And you thought fat, dumb, and happy, was just an expression.

To my mind, it evokes images of C-section scars, laugh lines and worry lines, the dent on the ring finger of my left hand... Marks visible on the surface that tell a story. That I carry those marks, or see them carried by others indicates survival to me. Lots of things, people especially, are more valuable / important / interesting with experience.

Some would dismiss or discard an object or a person who shows such signs. I'm not one of them, I value such experience.

Word.
Perfection is boring. Damage is interesting, and survivors of damage are stronger than the beautiful, empty headed, still in the wrapper, models.

"You're not a real woman until another human comes out of your body and shits on your dreams "- Louis CK.

I am fat, smart, and happy.

Able... Oh great, what do I get out of it?

Baker... A couple days off, big scars, and hours of great bar stories.

When you're done channeling Costas from Shirley Valentine.... ;)

Ortho...I have your number. Maybe I will send you mine. Your night time is my daytime, so why don't you just ring me when your brain is going stupid on you?

I will PM it. Use it whenever you need.

xxx

Just as an aside: that quote really pisses me the fuck off.

If it helps, he was comparing his wife to 23 year old bar sluts. I'm sure he'd find you sufficiently damaged by life to qualify as a real woman.

No offense intended to non mothers.

Hahahahaha. Ah, that really made me laugh. And I needed a laugh today:) Thanks Jim.

...to the matter that you mention I have given some attention and I think I am sufficiently decayed...

... there's a fascination frantic in a ruin that's romantic ...

Thank you, Ali. I appreciate it.

Ortho, Ali -SKYPE it.


Sent by thought transference

I dont have skype. I suppose i could get it though.

Ali, the basic package is free. With that you can video call anyone lose who has skype wherever they are.


Sent by thought transference

Ortho - I'm sorry I missed this thread. I share the same feelings of being broken and beyond repair. I have your back

Thank you, Sarge. I hope you're not feeling quite that bad right now. If you are, let me know. I also have your back.

An interesting thing ... I delved into the medical literature on Arimidex and tamoxifen, looked up the numbers that don't show up on the generic list of adverse effects, and it appears that depression, mood swings, and emotional lability are quite common with both of these meds. It's about 10%; most of us wouldn't feel too comfortable consenting to a surgical procedure that had a 10% mortality rate, I imagine. Since being on these meds (tamoxifen for 7 months, Arimidex/anastrozole for 3), I've had some scary issues. Not for patients, as I've outlined here and in other threads, but alone at night. And an ongoing general depression.

The last instance was enough that I've decided to stop the Arimidex, take a 'holiday' of several weeks, and see what happens. Recently I've developed left foot pain so severe that every step hurts, as well. I know I don't have a metatarsal fracture but it hurts that much. So goodbye to Arimidex and I'll maybe try eating 14 g of soy protein daily. Some Chinese studies have shown that that level of soy intake confers as much benefit regarding recurrence as tamoxifen does.

If I can't walk, it's no sort of life. If I think about offing myself every third night, it's also no sort of life. So I'll give this a try.

My best friend is a (The, if you ask me) leading breast ca doc in eastern PA. I can ask her any questions you would like answers on. Her approach is more holistic than most.

studies have shown that tequila makes your worries go away and sometimes your clothes, too.

Tequila definitely makes your clothes go away, which is why I stick to Scotch. ;)

Thank you, wolf. I'll pm you.

Not if the short-term mortality rate without the procedure was 100%

Thanks for the sarcasm, but it's misplaced. The short-term risk without the 'procedure' is about 20%, not anywhere near 100%. That can be altered by a number of lifestyle choices. Nevertheless, stats only give predictions for populations. Individuals are another matter.

If the 'procedure' means I can't walk or think straight, who else but the person experiencing these things is qualified to decide whether the side effects are worth it? I realize that others may have a different take on this. I haven't come to this decision lightly. For me, it's right.

May I suggest that you tag this thread and any others in which you post thoughts pertinent to your decisions in this matter. If in the future, 1year, 5 years, 10 years from now you should ever have reason to second guess yourself, it may be helpful to review documentation of your state of mind at this time rather than trying to recall it from memory. Tagging would make it easy to get all the information in one place, at one time, and in chronological order for you and perhaps important others to review. A simple tag like “orthohx” would do. Memory aids can be wonderful things.

Thank you, sexobon, that's an excellent idea. Once I figure out how to tag a thread, I'll do it. I agree; having access to the reasons I made certain decisions will be useful in future.

Not sarcasm. Mathematics. And exaggeration to make the point/give a little perspective. 10% is not all that bad when facing life-saving surgery. You can't make a judgment or make a valid point if you only give the chance of mortality for one of the two options because it implies zero for the other option.

Oh and tonight Everything is making me feel like reaching for the knife. but mostly the idiots at LARA (the Michigan Employment Agency/whatever people), the thoughtless and unappreciative assholes in my life. And getting old. and depression. or is this thread like when people ask "How are you?"


I'll be right over here in the pool of blood.

Monster, remember the discussion after you had that health detour? How one of the reasons you had trouble getting back up to speed, and my personal opinion as to a primary cause in the first place, IS YOU DO TEN TIMES WHAT A NORMAL PERSON DOES.

Christ, you're on full tilt boogie all the time, making schedules and making sure the whole tribe follows them. Plus your own training/cheer-leading/do-gooding schedule on top of that.

Don't put more pressure on yourself as a result of judging what others do or don't do by comparing them to yourself.
Remember you ain't average. :hug:

The road is long
With many a whining kid
That leads us to swim meets and goals
...
The coffee's strong
Strong enough to keep her awake
She ain't average
She's our monster...

No, this is NOT about 'how are you?' 'Fine, thanks.'

I understand how things come to the point of making you reach for the knife ... or at least see it as a viable option. I reached the point of truly planning and that was scary. I managed to call a halt and change things, but it's a bad place to be. If you're totally frustrated but not yet making plans I'd ask you to take three big steps back and reach out for help. We don't want to find you over there in the pool of blood.

PM me anytime.

I wrote a long post and it crashed.

summary;

thanks gang. doing better today. sorted a few people out. didn't cry at all after two days of nothing but. onward.

I like logic and rational things and depression is neither, apparently.