The Cellar - I'm voting Republican

I'm voting Republican because I believe oil is worth more than the blood of American soldiers.

I'm voting Republican because freedom of speech is fine as long as it is in a free speech zone 2 miles away from where anyone will hear it.

I'm voting Republican because some books are just plain evil and they should be banned and burned.

I'm voting Republican because the Constitution isn't very important to me.

I'm voting Republican because even though we're in a war that we never should have started and which violates the Constitution, gosh darn it...we can win!

I'm voting Republican because I believe all Muslims are bad guys intent on killing Americans simply because they hate our freedom.

I'm voting Republican because even though a chunk of ice larger than Manhattan just broke off the polar ice shelf, global warming is just a ploy by liberals to get me to stop driving my SUV.

I'm voting Republican because I believe it's up to government to tell people whom they can marry, what medicines they can take, or what medical procedures they can have.

I'm voting Republican because employees should be loyal to businesses, but businesses should only be loyal to stockholders.

I'm voting Republican because thinking is over-rated.

I'm voting Republican because the more brown people we have in jails, the more room I'll have on the freeway for my hummer.

I'm voting Republican because I believe life is sacred... unless you're a Muslim....or an abortion doctor.

I'm voting Republican because being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a popular conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

I'm voting Republican because the United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

I'm voting Republican because government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.

I'm voting Republican because "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs overseas.

I'm voting Republican because the flag stands for freedom ... unless you want the freedom to burn flags.

I'm voting Republican because a woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

I'm voting Republican because Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Barack Obama.

I'm voting Republican because the best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

I'm voting Republican because group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.

I'm voting Republican because if condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

I'm voting Republican because a good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

I'm voting Republican because HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

I'm voting Republican because providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is evil socialism.

I'm voting Republican because global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

I'm voting Republican because Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

I'm voting Republican because a president lying about an extramarital affair is a impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

I'm voting Republican because government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

I'm voting Republican because the public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

I'm voting Republican because I support states' rights, which means Attorney General Michael Mukasey can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.

I'm voting Republican because what Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

I'm voting Republican because trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.