I hope the person who invented glitter is roasting on the same spit, in the same pit in hell as the piece of shit who laid out my subdivision.

WTF was I thinking when I bought this god damned place?

WTF was I thinking when I took that pistol outta my mouth?

WTF was I thinking when I ducked when that motherfucker shot at me that time?

WTF was I thinking when I took that last breath?

I guess I was thinking "Suffer, motherfucker, suffer."

Ya ever seen an Arab midget?

Would women be less sexy, as sexy, or sexier, if, instead of two boobs, they had just one big boob? Like a camel hump poking outta their chest.

depends if you like to put your dick between them or not?

Good point.

Human beings are just rotten as shit.

10/80/10

Wuzzat, some kinda fertilizer?

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Attachment 62652

Attachment 62653

That bottom one is excellent.

If Santa Clause drops lumps of coal on North Korea, will it violate UN sanctions?

Santa global positioning status: https://www.noradsanta.org/

Yesterday I went to WallyWorld for some last minute stuff. As I'm getting out of GrandCherokee1, a guy and his wife (?) are getting out of their car 2 empty parking spaces away.

The guy takes a couple steps in my direction and says:

"Excuse me, sir?" (btw, do ya get used to that 'sir' shit as ya get older? It still fucks with me.)

I said "Can I help ya?", expecting him to ask for money, or some Xmassy, scammy-type thing.

He says "Boy, I sure hope so. I'll give you a $100 right now if you'll whup my ass so I don't have to go in here (pointing to WallyWorld).

I looked at him for a minute and said "Deal. But, you'll have to wait for me to come back out, I'm sure I'll be ready to fight by the time I get outta there." And then I looked the guy up and down right quick, he's 6 feet tall, 250 lbs if he weighs an ounce, and then I said "I might have to section off a piece of ya to whup on, you a pretty good sized old boy."

He laughed. I laughed. He's funny, I'm funny, we're all pretty fuckin' funny.

Dude's wife came off with the line of the year as far as I'm concerned. She said, without even glancing at the guy:

"If you wanted your ass whupped, you shoulda said something before we left the house."

:drummer:

:lol:

That is fucking priceless. :thumb:

I know exactly what you mean.
A few weeks ago I nipped out for some milk and as I crossed the road to the shop a member of the Ministry of Defence Provost Guard Service was just getting out of his vehicle. (There's a nearby MoD establishment).
So, I nod and wish him good morning and receive a 'good morning, sir' in response.
That took me by surprise as nobody ever calls me 'sir' unless they are attempting to extract money from me.
Proof, I suppose, if proof were needed that decrepitude really has set in. :(