They were confused?
 

I am back in college after (cough) a few years.
I'm stuck taking a freshman level English course since my credits for English didn't transfer. The other students - some of the other students - were confused by an essay I wrote. I thought it was funny. But hey I wrote it. I'm still waiting on the grade from the professor.
I've been lurking here for a long while, so, I figured I'd just jump right in with my essay. :hide:


How to Lose 150 Pounds

Like many women, you may have gained weight, seemingly, the moment you said “I Do.” Your extra weight made a bee-line directly to those shapely hips you once had. Or perhaps your extra weight traveled, with ease, to your breasts and buttocks. After years of this extra baggage on your various body parts, you just want to be left alone. You've had enough. The extra weight is dragging you down. It's time to get rid of it, all 150 good for nothing pounds.
The first step to getting rid of this proverbial monkey on your back, is to admit that you have a problem. It would be great if there was a complaint department in a tall forboding building near Town Hall or a consumer complaint hotline that you could call via an 800 number. There are no such things. However, there is help out there if you need it. There is a class for “shedding that extra weight” similar to the class an alcoholic might use after admitting to a drinking problem. Three of my favorite weight loss programs include the aptly named, Lighten Up, The Weigh We Were, and Weight No More. With a few simple steps and some extra fortitude, you should be able to lose 150 pounds or more all on your own, no class needed. Get ready for not only a new body but a new life!
To start the process, you need to get thee out of the house and to the gym. The 150 pounds you want to get rid of wants you to stay at home. It wants you to eat junk food and service its every want and need. Don't listen to that nonsense. A regular schedule at the gym will not only get you away from the evils of temptation but also require at least one hour a day three days a week. This is good time away from home. Participate in a strength training activity such as lifting weights. Strength training increases the body's metabolic rate, causing the body to burn more calories throughout the day. In addition to becoming physically stronger, the more muscles you have, the more fat you will lose. You will also need to have a strong back bone to shed that nasty weight. Research has found that strength training can increase spinal bone mineral density by 13 % in only 6 months. Be sure to include aerobics into your schedule. Aerobic exercise is any activity that makes you breath hard while using large muscle groups at a regular, even pace. Sex does not qualify. That is not a large muscle group no matter what he proclaims. Try swimming, walking, jogging, bicycling, or roller blading just to name a few. Aerobic activity will help make your heart stronger and more efficient. You will need a strong heart along with the strength of your other muscles to help shed your extra weight.
There are many benefits to regular physical fitness. Benefits range from the obvious; lower body fat and improved physical appearance, to the less obvious benefits of having more energy and stamina, more positive self esteem, better sleeping patterns, and reduced instances of depression. All of the above will help you on your journey of eliminating the excess baggage in your life. Also consider some nontraditional exercises. Get involved with your children's school. Go to preschool class with your four-year-old. Nothing boosts your self-esteem faster than a half dozen pre-schoolers hanging all over you, proclaiming you to be the best Lego builder, play-dough cupcake maker, or silly song singer. Volunteer to be the team manager for your eight-year-olds Destination Imagination team. While guiding a team of third graders to learn how to think for themselves, as well as problem solving and crisis management skills, you are brushing up on these same skills for yourself. At the same time you are, once again, getting out of the house and away from the temptations that have kept you trapped. Another step of the process is to do something for yourself. Go back to school. Being out of the house for eight hours on a Saturday for a Biology class will keep you away from the junk food your family eats. College classes also exercise your brain cells and prepare you for a successful life after your weight loss.
With a few easy steps, some careful planning, and a bit of time, that extra baggage weighing you down will leave on its own accord. If your improved strength and endurance, your newfound independence and self-suffiency, your increased pride in yourself and all around fortitude fails to shed the heavy load that had been holding you back, then use that strong back bone you developed over the months and kick the bastard out, all 5 feet 6 inches and 150 pounds of him.

No offense intended but it's a one or two line joke spread over too much space. Too much build up for an old (ancient?) joke.

Hello wintermoon, welcome to the cellar. Would you like the <strike>complimentary</strike> free critique? Regardless, glad to have you around. Out with the :lurker:, in with the :typing:.

I take criticism well. Bring it on.
I know my friends liked it. But they're my friends.

The essay per se is fine. The formatting could be improved. Spaces between paragraphs etc. The writing flows well and hangs together. But more importantly, for assignments anyway, does this work fit the requirements of the assignment?

The assignment was to write a process paper - any type of "how to".
I didn't want the bland - how to make a turkey dinner or how to change a tire etc.
The "official" paper was indeed formatted differently. The lines were double spaced, the paragraphs were indented, and the title was centered.

If you read it in a magazine would you get a chuckle? I was going for the chuckle. :lol:

Despite having a fair amount of practical and reasonable information, the tone comes off as patronizing and sexist. Even if written by a chick. I looked at it from both possible sides.

Edit to add: oh, you are a chick. I checked your profile. You misspelled "chief."

If I were a professor or teaching assistant, stuck reading a hundred and fifty process papers, I would probably see your essay as a breath of fresh air and give it high marks. As a random woman reading it on the internet, however, with no explanation as to what it was other than an "essay," I thought it was too long for its content.

(gasp) "chief" has been corrected - thank you

patronizing and sexist? Hmmm


In retrospect I needed to give more info. There was also a required 800 word minimum
I had just over 800 words. Sometimes less is more. Oh well.
Lucky for me it is indeed a professor - stuck reading many papers - that will be grading mine.

brutal honesty--it doesn't feel like a real experience. It feels contrived. 'course, i'm a no-nothing. Could be genius. I'd never know.

Oh yes that's it! You're right of course. It is genious. Yes yes.

heh heh heh

Hi wintermoon, I saw it coming from the title, it was a long slog to get to the thin punchline, and there really wasn't anything to "hook" and keep my interest.

As my sister is fond of telling me, "Leave humor to the professionals."