The List
 

More and more often lately, I find myself getting royally pissed at everyday things, idiots and the general futility of it all. I don't consider myself old, but I can see myself heading down the dusty, narrow, rutted dirt track of thousands of grumpy old men before me.

So I started making a list.

(if you're not looking for a generally pointless wingeing rant, this is the bit where you click something else - you've been warned - don't complain later)

1. Idiot drivers
1a. Idiot drivers who still haven't figured out that a hands free kit is not only a legal necessity if you want to talk on the mobile phone while driving, it also makes it a shitload easier to talk and put on makeup/eat a cheesburger/read the paper/take notes/smoke if you've got a handsfree kit. Truckdrivers and housewives with unrestrained kids in the car - I'm looking at you here.

1b. The indicators are there for a reason, dickheads. So is that little warning light on the dash that says a brakelight bulb has blown. If you haven't got the little warning light, how about you take the initiative and check that your fucking brakelights work. I mean really, most cars have three brake lights these days, so how useless are you if you've let all three fail?

2. Mobile phones/phone reception. I already have a digital camera, internet and email access, an am/fm radio etc. I don't need another second rate crap one in my phone. How about making a thing that's just a phone, but at the same time, a GOOD phone, not jam-packed with all these bullshit un-necessary functions. And, how is it that you can be within direct line-of-site to a phone tower (that I know for a fact is the carrier that i'm with) and still suffer drop outs in exactly the same spot each time?
Here's a tip for you, Nokia - take out the extras and put in some mega big signal reception diode dealies and circuits and shit, and make it so the phone actually does what it was meant to do in the first place.

3. Graffiti. What has happened to good, politically motivated graffiti? It's been years since I've seen anything other than pointless, illigible tagging and ghetto inspired (albeit sometimes very talented) work. Taggers have to be the lowest possible form of human existance that still maintain the ability to walk upright. Suddenly "Foo was ere" looks like high art, at least you could read it.

4. Ricers/chavs/bevans. That big ass, indervidual rear spoiler you've stuck on your front wheel drive, underpowered shopping trolley of a car doesn't make you cool or phat or indervidual. It doesn't make you go faster either. Neither does the 60 kilos of subwoofer/amp in what's left of your boot space. And the fart cannon exhausts and under car neon lights - wankers' plumage - you're on the list too.

5. IT support staff. There was a time, about 15 years ago, when you were the only one who knew how cool it was to have a 57 terrabit gigafast server with a gazillion kb of ram, and you could avoid our (ie. the users)gaze and scutter off to your cubicle to play Doom and ignore our requests for email access fixes and other general help, such requests being, naturally, beneath your masterful abilities and not worthy of even a millisecond of your precious time. That time has passed. Remember that "Communication" subject you ignored at university? Time to dig out the old textbooks ( or just fucking Google it) and see what you're missing out on. BTW chicks dig eye contact, they don't dig Doom hi-scores.

6. Local idiot politicians. We've got a state election here in a couple of weeks, so every morning and afternoon, and all day on weekends, we get to see the local candidates standing by the side of busy roads, flanked by a couple of their campaign signs, waving at us. This does not make me want to vote for them. I don't consider waving an important ability for a politician. Waving is an important ability for those guys with the orange ping-pong bats that guide in planes, not political candidates. Go and do some community work, dickheads. Take a camera crew and the local media if you have to, but get the fuck off my footpaths. The only thing that these waving wombats have convinced me of is that they are so much uglier in the flesh than they are in their campaign signs. Stop it now. You're on the list.


I'm sure there'll be more. Feel free to add you own.

Excellent!

I have one for you:

Grandma Jo and Grandpa Fred dragging Taylor and Tyler and Skyler and their little bowl haircuts (complete with tail) to the grocery, bank, fast food places, utitlities office, post office, etc at high noon, taking their time, seeing the sights...when those of us with JOBS have a schedule. Worse yet are the welfare moms in dirty sweat pants making their daily appearance at the convenience store, snotty nosed kids in tow, arguing over whether the kids can buy 3 snicker bars or just 2 snickers and some Cheetos. If I were them I would make these little jaunts about 2 a.m. so no one could see my wretched existance, rather than flaunt it like they've accomplished something.

Jobless people should not be allowed to frequent above mentioned places between 11:30 a.m. and 1 p.m.

PS: I chose those names at random. Resemblance to any persons, living or dead, is strictly coincidental. :rolleyes:

I'm with you on #4 man. Last weekend Jackie and I spotted a spoiler on an Audi TT. It looked utterly vomitorious. I'm sure if the vehicle is driven fast enough to make the spoiler have any effect, it'll just rip off the entire rear hatch. Nothing is more offensive than taking that beautiful German design and bolting a handicapped-stall handrail to it. It's like putting a red acrylic border around the Mona Lisa.

I see a lot of the added spoilers around here, usually on a Honda Civic. My favorite part is the big old Frankenstein looking bolts sticking out of the trunk. And what is up with the ugly, tacky, paint jobs? Hasn't anyone ever heard of simple elegance?

So I see these cars that are going so fast that not only do they need spoilers to keep from flying off the ground, but there are flames shooting out of the side panels. Sheesh! Does this call for a certain suspension of disbelief, or just lots of acid?

Here's mine for the record. Not that I'm not a people person or anything.

1. You live in a city. You have heard random city-noises before. Just because the bin-men have toppled a wheelie bin while trying to empty it into the bin lorry it does not mean you have to turn and stare. Ok, once maybe, but don't keep checking over your shoulder every five steps to check on the progress. When you do, you slow down and that means I have to keep stopping. You're already commiting the ultimate sin of Getting In My Way, stop compounding it with your meerkat looky-loo impression before I have to tut at you very loudly. Or go and live in a village. Idiot.

2. Don't stand on the pavement outside Marks & Spencers, holding hands while you say your goodbyes. You are blocking off TWO doorways, and the pensioners who want to go in and buy expensive ready meals and complain about how they have no money are forced to wash around you. You have taken what I thought was the ultimate sin of GETTING IN MY WAY and multiplied it by showing off the fact you are having more sex than me.

3. You are standing on the wrong side of the bus stop. You've ambled up casually and are now standing at the head of the queue. Think about it numbskull - people don't queue with their backs to the traffic, or they would not be able to see the bus coming. Don't assume you can amble onto the bus in the same way - I know I was here first. If you try to take the seat I wanted I will be forced to take petty revenge.

That's pretty much my whole list right there.

7. Folks whom choose to select their new mobile phone ringtone in cafes. First against the wall when the revoultion comes. (thanks Doug) I wonder how that novelty ringtone will sound eminating from your fundamental orifice. The only exception to this rule will be when fat folks choose the Lone Ranger (William Tell?) theme and have to run to get and answer the phone when it rings. For some reason I find this irresistably funny.

8. Fat arsed middle aged women who chose to have their family reunions in supermarket aisles, whilst standind behind their strategically angled shopping trolleys. Welcome to the list.

9. Phlebotomists. I know they're necessary. I'm sure they're nice people, but I don't like them. Ouch. It's not my fault my veins don't easily give up their treasure.

10. Colleagues who leave printers/ photocopiers jammed, out of paper, out of toner and otherwise unusable. I don't care if you're paid more than me and therefore think your time is more valuable. I did NOT go to Photocopier University and am therefore no better qualified than you to stick my arms into a hot machine with sharp blades to retrieve a piece of paper. I like being good at things and if you'd come to ask me I wouldn't have rolled my eyes, I'd have helped. Instead you sent all your black & white printing to the much slower colour printer, which susequently ran out of toner and meant I couldn't get my mailout done because I really needed colour on my Drugs "Traffic Lights" mailout. And yes, I know I'm ranting.

I can't think of anything to bitch about:eek:
Ever since I stopped waitressing I've lost the urge to complian and rant. No, I'm not on medication!
I did cry for about an hour Tuesday, though. It was my 30th birthday. :neutral:

That's awesome, Stacey. I'm glad things are going well for you.

I think Jim Gaffigan has the best list ( I think it's him, anyway)

1> Others.

Yes!

This good idea!

Good! Good!

Ogg make more art now.

Ogg say this poignant juxtaposition of innocent beauty encumbered by visual metaphor for sterile post-modern society.

Good! Good!

Ogg must go wait now for grant from John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation.

I agree with everything everyone said here. Especially dumb drivers. ugh Now, I work for an office supply superstore, and the one thing that really ticks me off is people that can't get thier computer, printer, whatever working, and they blame it on us. I had one guy come with his laptop and was having problems with the charger. He said he'd never buy another Staples laptop again. (It was made by Compaq. Never knew Staples made laptops!) I love stupid people.

Dumb drivers - special category "Tourists". yes, I know I live in a beautiful rural area with lots to see from the road, and I know that you tourists pay my wages, and I'm glad you come here, I really am, and I totally understand why you have to drive at 15-20 miles per hour along these twisty roads, they're twisty and you need to look at all the beauty around you not at the the roads, after all ... but WHY must you move to the middle of the road, or speed up, when the road straightens up to one of the few places where I can actually pass you safely? And a special prize for the git who stopped on a hairpin bend (literally, road turns through 130 degrees) yesterday. WHAT????????????