What's that ring really do, anyways?
 

"Oh, god, the ring changes everything! It makes your life hell, locks you in, and makes everything miserable. You'll never live another day as you know it, currently, ever again. Don't do it, whatever you do! Don't get married!"

Well, the idea of marriage has entered my mind, but it is quite a ways off yet and for now I'm simply entertaining the idea. (Hey, yeah, I met someone, by the way. Woot.) What I've heard from several people, just as above, is that living together is one thing and being married is something entirely different. The majority of people that say this tend to portray marriage in a bad light and that having a ring on your finger turns that person you were shacking up with from a love to a demon. As it has been repeatedly explained to me, getting married apparently tears lives apart, turns women greedy and evil, and makes men long for the days when they were in college and stupid-drunk every night. A reaction must take place once the ring slides onto the finger, changing brain chemistry or something of the sort.

"Even living with someone for years and sharing your life with them isn't the same as being married. It is entirely different."

Really? Why? What changes and why is it so often stated to be such an unpleasant event?

First of all, congratulations!

The only change is that you are making a lifetime promise to be with this person. That's obviously a very big deal. It a good thing if you have chosen the right person. It's a bad thing if you haven't. Pretty simple.

I can't tell you why people are advising against marriage. My wife and I just celebrated 12 years yesterday. I can't say enough good things about marriage. It rocks! Just choose your spouse wisely. We lived together before we were married. Even when we lived together, we were clear with eachother that we intended to spend the rest of our lives together. We made the promise, but without the formality. For us, there was little change between that and getting married. For others, who are just casually living together without that type of commitment, there may very well be a big adjustment to married life.

If you do decide to get married, I think it's a great idea to have premarital counseling. It tells you a lot about one another and helps to give you tools that use can use to make your marriage work better.

People aren't against marriage. People are scared of the legal ramifications of a failed marriage. Before the gov't came in and decided it was their job to decide how people are to obligate themselves to each other I'll wager things weren't so bad.

The ring is a tangible indicator of that.

Also, getting married always changes the nature of the relationship. Just not necessarily negatively. Sometimes it can cement a bond even further.

Congratulations (or at least, pre-congratulations)! I agree with Glatt, incredibly little changed when my husband and I got married. But I think that's because we were in a similar situation--we weren't just 'living together' as a goal in and of itself, we were aware that we would be getting married someday and interacted accordingly.

There are two really big things that I've seen "change" for other people, though. The first is money: obviously it's a little unreasonable to completely merge your finances before you're married. It is critical that you have a plan about the finances before you open the joint checking account. Personally, I think it's better if one person handles most of it. For us, that was easy--my husband was very irresponsible with money, and he knew it, so he eagerly deferred. In return, $100 a month goes into a separate account that he can spend on whatever the hell he wants to and I can't gripe about it (usually this goes towards DVDs, videogames, and woodworking tools he'll never use. ;)) We also have our finances completely merged--both paychecks get dumped into one account, and his debt that he incurred before we were married is our debt, plain and simple--but that doesn't work for everyone.

The second thing that sometimes changes is the level of independence. If, while living together you have rules like "I don't have to tell you where I'm going," and "I don't have to explain why I came home so late," and "I can spend $200 on a pair of shoes if I want to," and "Don't tell me how to interact with my family," etc. then it can be jarring when one partner (rightly) expects those rules to go away once you're married. But to me, independence like that makes you more like roommates, not soon-to-be-husband-and-wife. If you never start out with those rules, you never have to end them.

If you treat marriage as disposable, it will be.

The legal ramifications of merely cohabitating are much worse than those involved in marriage - meaning - there is no legal process provided if you break up and have bought stuff/property together. Process is better than no process and just hope that you never have to go through any process at all.

I think if a person gives you this kind of warning, it means they know more about YOU than they do about marriage. There are some people of both sexes who should just not get married, and for some reason that fact is cristal clear to everybody except the poor unfortunate who actually DOES marry them :lovers:

I don't know what the difference is exactly, but there is a difference. I just got married last month, and even though we had been living together for the past four years, there was a definite change for the better after we got married.

Lemme think on that, and I'll get back to you....

You are married when you decide you're married. The ring, the license, the ceremony, are all symbols. Don't ever mistake a symbol for the thing it symbolizes.

You are legally married if you can get two witnesses to testify that you presented yourselves in public as husband and wife. A page from a family bible or a signed guest list is all the documentation you need for any court in the country, but verbal testimony is enough. No license is required. In some states the license is officially described as a three way contract between the bride, the groom, and the state.

Your name is anything you say it is. The driver's license bureau doesn't care if you have a marriage license, or a court order, or nothing at all, as long as there is no apparent attempt at fraud. They simply record all the names you have ever used. (Some of the clerks don't know that.)

congrats Kit. It definitely depends on your outlook of your relationship with the sig. other. i think i may have said it somewhere in the cellar before that i would never get married again because of my ex. well.......that's not entirely true. i am actually considering it myself, perhaps sometime next year. i/we just have something we have to get through first. heh. never say never.

What does the ring do? Well, if you can read the inscription, you might be able to figure it out ...

This is too true. People who get married often think of prenuptial agreements, liquidation of property upon divorce, etcetera. This makes the idea of marriage far from romantic. The ring, then, becomes a symbol for being tied/weighed down instead of being bound in love and companionship. :(

Just remember, when the next big hurricane comes she gets to fill half the trunk of the car with her crap and you have to leave half of your valued possessions behind. :lol:

"Gee, honey, I guess I picked up the wrong plastic bin by accident in the evacuation confusion! But, hey, it looks like we're not going to lose our 'The War in the Pacific' DVD collection!"

?? Drains your bank account with greater effectiveness than long stem roses ??

The perpetually single man has spoken :blush:

There's a married woman out there getting long stemmed roses???

That bitch.

I'm getting married July 14, 2006. I'm so excited about it. I never thought I would feel like I do but it's wonderful. I'm so in love with my fiance. I guess when it's right, you just know it. :love:

that's what i felt the first go 'round and i have the same feeling with whom i'm dating now. and that scares me.

Really? Congratulations.

A LONG engagement period, that is. Hmmmmm :question:

9 months isn't so long. Depending on how fancy the wedding is, you may have to reserve the location that far in advance.

A friend of mine's daughter had to schedule two years in advance because she picked a "popular" date ... Saint Patricks Day. She actually got married (courthouse quickie) this past May, because she was racing the stork.

My money is on that she sees a divorce lawyer before the date the hall is booked comes around.

The only thing that pissed me off after my divorce is I loved my wedding band. A few years ago I wanted to have an anniversary band, rather than the engagement ring and band, so I had this band made exactly how I wanted it. Now the shit is my ex.

SO, I went to the jewelers and they are going to have it fitted for my middle finger. How appropriate? I could wear it on my right hand, but it looks much too obvious - like I am a divorcee or something.

Gay friends of mine who are de-facto "married" (ceremony and everything) wear their rings on the opposite hand.

I was with my last gf/ex-fiance for 6 years, and was never quite "ready" to marry her.

I've been with my current gf for 3 months, but have known her for 7 years, and would marry her today, if it were feasible.

I'm not sure what the average time is between dating, engagement, and marriage, but I suddenly got word that one of my friends just took the leap. They had been dating for five weeks before he proposed to her, and they're currently "celebrating their two month anniversary". He cannot believe "how much they've grown" in that time. What the hell? The wedding is just another two and a half months away.

Five months. Five months from dating to married.

I'm not even sure what to say to him. I think it is way too rapid to be sane, though, but there seems to be no convincing him of that. :(

"There are a lot of hours in five weeks."

I think it really depends on the people. If two people had just met, I would say that a year seems reasonable before getting married. But you can know someone for years and never be ready to marry them--I use my ex as an example.

My parents met a year before they got married. They only dated for 3 months before they got engaged in July and were married in November. They celebrate their 30th anniversary this November.

My martial arts instructor claims he proposed to his wife (and she accepted) two hours after meeting her. They've been together for 27 years.

But if it were my friend marrying a woman he'd been dating for 5 weeks, I'd find the politest way I could to tell him he was being foolish.

Hey, it pays to advertise. ;)

I haven't reaped any pay offs yet!

And another five months until the first appointment with the divorce attorney.

Most of the people telling single people not to get married are divoreced people worried about losing a drinking buddy.

If you don't think the ring will change anything then it won't. For you, at least. Marriage is what you make it. I don't think marriage turns people into demons as much as it allows demons to stop pretending that they weren't demons all along.

I know it sounds corny, but if you're with the right person, you "just know". Anyone agree with me? It doesn't matter if it's hours, days, weeks, years..........

In school I dated lightly, how ever I was in the company of many ladies. I had several friends with benifits and a few girls I was serious about. My Senior year I asked one of them out and she said yes. Fourteen months later, after she moved out of state and her mother kept at her morning and night with the most amazing BS We broke up. I dated more girls and bedded a couple more. I told anybody that had an interest that there was only one person I was ever interested in being married to and she was unavailable. I meant it. I dated a young lady(term used loosely) for about two years in the mean time. If marriage was brought up(especially by her) I had a printed copy of the speech about the one girl I actually loved that much. She would get a fresh copy.
There was a little bit going on in the men time but suffice it to say after eight years the girl of my dreams finally called one afternoon to ask if I meant it when I would tell her I loved her. I said yes. Next May will be seven years.
It does matter who. It especially matters to make sure they are right for you. I always tell people that I met a girl as sick and twisted as I am and married her. I think the biggest thing I advise friends is to make sure under the burning flames of lust and passion there is a soild brick fireplace of relationship. Will you still enjoy the warmth once the flames die down? BTW Congradulations.

I used to think that. :headshake

Me too. Used to.

I agree. Well put

Resurrecting an old thread because I'll be finding out, soon. No date, yet, but I asked the big question, yesterday, and got the answer I had been hoping for.

I'm in deep trouble, now. :D

Congratulations!

Congratulations Mr. Fox (and the future Mrs. Fox!)

Many happy wishes!

There are many things that shouldn't be unearthed. Threads on positive developments in relationsips are not on that list!

Congratulations - really pleased to hear that despite all the advice you got here, you made it anyway :)

Wow...that's great news! :) If you actually make it to the wedding without murdering each other you've won half the battle. ;)

Keep us posted on the progress.

right on!

Yes, yes, you are. Get used to it.

Congratulations to both of you. Your first marriage, yes? Starter wife? Don't mess it up.

Congratulations :D

Hey, congrats Kitsune!! Don't forget to post pictures of the wedding (and before anyone makes the obvious conclusion, the honeymoon too...)

Congratulations, man.

Congratulations to eveybody who is going to marry, and hope those who wrote they were going to are doing fine now!

just be sure you know the person you're going to marry... I live with my boyfriend, we LIVE togheter the big way (it's two years now), he asked the big question and I answered yes, and some days ago I just discovered by chance he is not the person I knew, everybody knew, everybody trusted and loved and believed the perfect guy... he isn't!

I still don't know what to do, how to free myself. he really is considered a great person, I loved him, I respected him adn admired him, and he is a liar...

a friend of mine discovered her husband lied for years (false college degree, false job, false everything) after 10 years and 2 children... she is not stupid, absolutely isn't, but hey! who checks his love's curriculum???

Me.

Welcome to the Cellar, bani. :D
Care to tell us what he lied about?

Knowing what you know, between now and the fall, you'll probably 'naturally grow apart'. But at least you'll be prepared for it and can plan your future and finances accordingly. Best of luck getting your head together.

btw, his best friend is male, I assume?

Female, but I think trustable! (if anyone can be, I should say now!)

Thanks for the answer and support, I'll let you know!

as far as the ring goes, kits....i didn't think it was a big deal....but then i lost mine in a creek.....and i was bummed. seriously.

Congrats, Kitsune! And hey, no pressure on setting a date...

MB and I haven't set a date yet, either.

I think we've been engaged for going on five years now. :lol:

Just saw this thread. Yeah!! Congratulations to you both.

Honestly, the first question that came to my mind is how are you going to photograph your own wedding? I can't imagine many who will be able to do you and your bride-to-be the justice that you could...

I think the ring is supposed keep blood from draining back out of the wiener.

Wedding photography is the worst of the worst. I've shot three weddings and will never consider doing it ever again. I can't believe I actually considered doing it as a side job even with the stress, unpredictability, and expectations of the families. All it took was for my D70 to vomit up a memory error during the last reception to make me put the camera down and apologize to it for ever trying to use it to make money. (I managed to recover the images, but it was a really close call.)

So, after having experienced that kind of stress in a black suit under the heat of a Florida sun at an outdoor wedding while surrounded by belligerent drunks demanding their picture be taken as they mock-grabbed the bride's ass and lifted their kilts to dangle their nuts for the camera means I'll be elated with whatever I get back from the photographer I hire. The job sucks and I'll be content with whatever the poor photog manages to pull out of the set.

Oh, and so far the ring seems to make family members call much more frequently than they did before the proposal and offer heaping amounts of advice on how to plan and prepare. No one is responding to this the way we expected them to and a few of them are getting a little weird about it...

Well congrats on the wedding. Since you asked I must say that to be wed isn't that important as finding someone you can be compatible with. Someone you can be a companion with where integrity and truth is formost.

The ring is a symbol but I personally don't think a diamond is important.

I always thought the ring came into fashion because branding hurts!:p

Just got married on June 23rd. :) So far, nothing has really changed, except that there's no wedding planning to do anymore, but lots of cleaning up and writing thank-you notes.