God Bless the Customers
 

At age 26, I have been in the customer service industry for 10 years, 4 of those years in management...across all spectrums (retail, call center, mail center, internet, face-to-face). And while I love to help customers, that thing about the customer always being right is the biggest bunch of bullshit I've ever heard in my life. But in working for the insurance industry for the past 5 months, I have seen the customer reach new heights. And although some of what's here may be harsh, from what I saw, I was one of the more lenient and friendly supervisors.

Unfortunately, kismet (?) got shit-canned by his job for posting funny customer-related issues on here earlier in the year. They WERE funny though. I have some good ones too...and now I'm no longer employed. Of course, no names of customers or wireless carriers will be used.

A pissed off customer, upon finding out where our company is based: "Oh, you're in Philadelphia. NOW it makes sense!" (What the fuck does that mean?! If anything, the fact that our company is based in Philadelphia should make people think that all Philadelphians are mean as hell and will kick your pathetic ass if you look the wrong way.)

"I will send you a bill for my time." (Well, that's awfully nice, given that you're a moron that doesn't know how to follow directions, thereby setting your ass up for failure.)

A customer in tears over the fact that her claim has been in review for 3 months: "Please...PLEASE..make this go away!" (Damn, I hate to hear a woman cry. Even though it was completely her fault, I still felt bad for her.)

A customer, upon hearing that his claim has been denied for mechanical failure (which is not covered under one carrier's policy): "Okay then, just say that I dropped the phone."

Syc: "Sir, we can't do that. That's called insurance fraud."

Customer: "Look, what's it gonna take to get me a new phone?"

(Some folks just don't get it.)

"I'm going to sue you for lost wages." (Look, you're not going to get shit out of me. Don't get pissy mad at me because you forgot to read the exclusions in your policy.)

Another customer, whose claim was denied: "Okay, well, I'm going to submit this Proof of Loss (a form that is required for review claims) and call back." (A rep had accidentally sent the form, but it turns out that the customer's claim wasn't covered, so I had to handle the denial.)

Syc: "Sir, we're not going to be able to cover your claim. We can't send you a replacement phone."

Customer: "Yes you will."

Syc: "No we won't sir. Your claim is denied."

Customer: "No it is NOT. MY CLAIM IS NOT DENIED!"

(Ummm...lessee, I clicked the button on our claim system that says "Deny." Based upon the info given, the claim cannot be covered, so yes you stupid fuck, your claim IS denied!)

And now, for some of my personal favorite lines I've given to customers:

Another customer, in review: "Sir, no offense, but if you would've filled out the form correctly in the first place, we wouldn't have this problem."

To a carrier, who screwed up their customer's enrollment information, causing the customer's claim to be denied: "I'm sorry sir, but (insert carrier name here) is going to have to eat that claim."

Any customer that starts cussing: "Now sir, if you're going to use abusive language, I'm going to put you on hold until you calm down."

Customer: "Fuck you--"

Syc: *hits hold button*

Sycamore practices empathy: "Sir, I understand, but--"

Customer: "No, don't feed me that bullshit!"

More empathy: "Sir, if I could do that for you, I certainly would, but--"

Customer: "No, you can do it. You just don't WANT to." (Now look damnit! It's not like we're in a store here. If I can't do it, I can't do it. It's called insurance regulations you turd!)

A customer, who wants an upgrade or compensation b/c of some sort of delay, and is insisting on it: "Sir, you have to understand. We're an insurance company. It's not like we can make it up to you if we screw up. All I can do is sincerely apologize and try to make it right the next time." (Which, unfortunately, is the truth.)

*customer grumbles and hangs up the phone*

Never a dull moment. :)

You know theres a book in there somewhere. :)

You want a good customer story? Here's one.

I'm behind the counter at Borders, it's near closing time, and this super-stereotypical Pittsburgher ("yunzer" for short) walks in. For those that don't know, Yunzers are cousins to the Rednecks that propogate the South. The current theory is that a platoon of said Rednecks crossed the Mason-Dixon line during the Civil War, occupied a few towns outside the city limits, and began a slow campaign of expansion, involving capturing the city as a whole and developing a freakish tolerance to bitter cold and random weather patterns. But I digress.

So, he walks in, and looks at me. There's two other people up there, but he picks me. He walks up, stand in front of me, drops his forearms on the counter and leans in toward me. And then, he utters words that I'll never forget:

"Yunz got books 'n'at? (note that 'n'at is pronounced IN-AT)

A Borders. He asks this, at the register, in a BORDERS.

You have NO CLUE the temptation I had to tell him "Sorry pal, we only sell CDs and overpriced coffee. Try Suncoast in the mall."

(sigh)...I'm amazed I haven't been driven to drinking.

~mike

More fun
 

Griff, that is sheer inspiration. :)

From December 2000 to June of this year, I worked for CVS (a large drugstore chain). I worked at 4 different stores, the last one being at 2nd and Lombard in Society Hill. (Non-Philadelphians: Picture an older neighborhood with historic homes, narrow streets, and specialty shops...and yuppies. Also, the store is off South St., home to lots of bars and eclectic shops.)

We closed at 9pm each night...it's about 10 after 9 and I'm pulling our gate down (one of those security type gates that you see at mall stores before they open). As I'm walking back into the store (I'm in the vestibule of the store at this point), this guy comes up to the door and starts banging on it.

Person: "Sir, you gotta let me in!"

Syc: "Sir, we closed 10 minutes ago."

Person: "I know, but I need to buy a pacifier for kid...he's crying, and..."

Syc: "Sir, unfortunately, I wouldn't be able to ring you up. I have no register available."

Person: "I'll pay you cash. I'll give you $10!" (A pacifier is only about $3 or $4.)

Syc: "Sir, I'm sorry...we're closed."

Person: *Beats on door really hard* "Thanks a lot you fucking son of a bitch!" *customer walks away*

--

While living in Washington, DC, I worked for a direct marketing company that sold diploma frames and bed linens to college students. In February 2000, we had a nasty snowstorm that dumped about a foot of snow on the area. At the time, our warehouse was in Columbia, MD (between Washington and Baltimore), and so it was shutdown for 2 days. Two days later, a customer calls. Apparently, the customer had already called, had been waiting for delivery of her frame, and had accidentally been disconnected:

Customer: *sarcastic* "Yeah, some guy named Saul (the rep's name was actually Sal) fed me some cockamimie story about how your shipments were delayed because of some snowstorm!"

Syc: "Yes ma'am, unfortunately, we got about 12 inches of snow in the Washington, DC area, and it shut our warehouse near Baltimore down for 2 days."

Customer: *caught off guard* "Oh..."

--

This just happened Tuesday. A customer had filed a claim with us in August, but apparently gave us the wrong mobile # for the claim. This wound up turning another one of the customer's phones off. Apparently, the customer got the problem straightened out with their carrier, but we never heard about it. So, they filed a claim with us this week, and it was for the mobile # that was originally (and incorrectly) claimed. Bottom line: It looked like the customer was trying to claim their phone for a second time, which of course, doesn't fly. It resulted in an automatic denial.

Customer: *furious* "Look, you guys screwed up the first time. (Insert carrier name here) screwed this up and it took me forever to straighten it out!" (Sometimes, the customers think that we are their carrier, which of course, is not the case. In addition, the customer is the one that gives us the mobile #. That's how we look up their insurance information. Bottom line, he's trying to find someone to blame.)

Syc: *trying to be as polite as possible, b/c of what I'm about to say* "Sir, I'm not sure whether we or (insert carrier name here) made the error, but it is quite possible that you may have given us the wrong mobile # on the first claim."

Customer: *even more mad* "WHAT?!"

Syc: "Well sir, we ask for the mobile # of the phone a person is claiming, which we can only get from the customer."

Customer: *begins a vicious tirade*

Syc: *thinking to himself* "Okay, maybe that wasn't such a great idea." (The only reason I suggested this was b/c, well, quite frankly, he was trying to pin blame on us and his carrier unfairly. No way I was going to let him do either, to get us and the carrier mad at each other.)

--

Fun rationale I used during this past week, with any irate customer that did it (and there were several):

Customer: "Let me speak to YOUR boss!"

Syc: *handling these situations as I normally do* "I'm sorry sir/ma'am, there is no other supervisor available for this situation."

Customer: "Well, you HAVE to have a boss!"

Syc: "I do...and unfortunately, he will not be in the office again until the 26th." (My boss was on vacation this past week.)

Customer would then either let it go, or hang up.

What I should have said is, "Look, I am not going to waste my boss's time with your whiny-baby bullshit. I AM a supervisor, you fucking tool! The rep told you what the status was, I told what the status was, my boss is going to tell you the same damned thing. Now shut the fuck up and deal!"

--

A customer, upon getting a claim delayed or denied (and I just LOVE this one): "Look, I'm a preferred customer of (insert carrier name here). I spend (insert amount) dollars on this phone every month. I am currently losing (insert amount) dollars a day without my phone! I cannot go (insert numerical range here, depending on the situation) days without my phone!"

Syc: "Sir, that may very well be the case, but unfortunately, there are rules and regulations that we must adhere to, and are bound to by the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. We don't play favorites with any customer. Everyone is treated the same." (Which, amazingly, is the truth.)

What I should have said: "Look asshole, if you make so much money, then you might as well just go out and buy a new phone, rather than pay $35 for a refurbished phone."

--
I think this could be my calling...or that spark that finally gets me into the door of the writing world...heh.

*Mike shares a funny story that makes Sycamore laugh.*

What you also could have said: "Damn, the inbreeding has gotten that bad, huh?"

Sadly though, I KNOW of people that were driven to drinking while working for CVS. That shit is not worth it. If you are driven to drinking by a job, fuck it...quit.

Although, I sympathize. Working at the 19th and Chestnut store in Center City Philadelphia (which is the busiest store in the company, out of 4500 stores) made me want to drink too...that, or taste some gunmetal. Thankfully, I was only at that store for 2 months.

I should still get a paycheck from CVS...
 

Incident #1: I used to work at the CVS on Bustleton and Haldeman Aves. in NE Philadelphia for about a month. One day in June, I happened to stop by there on the way home (it's the closest one to my home) to pick up a few things and see some old friends. This was right after I left the company...and I had a tie on b/c I had just had an interview for a job earlier that day. Well, that's what the managers wear as standard attire in the stores. So, a customer happens to come up and ask me where something is. I guide her over to the particular aisle, while current employees at the store laugh and Rho shakes her head.

Incident #2: I was up at the CVS on Bustleton and County Line Rd. last week, picking up some of Rho's prescriptions (since they're open 24 hours there). The pharmacist was trying to ring up the prescriptions, but the bar codes weren't scanning, b/c some dipshit didn't change the ink cartridge in the printer...the bar codes were printing too light.

Rx: *getting frustrated* "Man...I might have to call the manager here."

Syc: "Just type in the prescription # and hit the Rx key, then it'll ask you to enter the price." (Which is the proper way to enter a Rx when it will not scan.)

*Pharmacist does as Sycamore says...it works like a champ*

Rx: "Man, nice call! Thanks!"

Syc: "Well, 6 months of working here wasn't wasted after all."

Having done high-priced geekly customer service for corporate programmers whose companies licenced expensive software, I've heard a few too. And thet *is* a book; it's called "Tales from the Tech Line"...it starts with the guy who thought his CD-ROM reader was a cup holder and goes downhill from there.

L:ike the guy who kept geting the message "ERROR: TYPE 38", but no matter how many times he typed "38" on his keyboard it never seened to help...

My brother is working on a book, actually. He works for ThePittsburghChannel.com, the website fo ABC's affiliate in Pittsburgh. For the past few years, he's been saving all the e-mails from yunzers technically proficient to send them with plans on publishing them. It will be good.

But, you want good stories? The best stories come from my first job, working at a Pizza Outlet (or as the people we delivered to referred to it, the "Pizzer Ortlet"). Remember the Confederate platoon that marched north, captured a few towns around Pittsburgh? One of those towns was the center of our delivery area, and it was my job to work the phones and take orders.

Story #1:

Mike: *picks up phone* "Hello, thank you for calling Pizza Outlet, my name is Mike, how can I help you?"

Cust #1: "Yeah, do yunz deliver lasagna?"

Me: (after a split-second pause) "No, no we don't sir."

Cust #1: "Oh. Alright then."

Customer hangs up, I tell of what happened, all have good laugh, phone rings again.

Me: *repeats greeting spiel*

Cust #2: "Yeah, mah husband jes called 'ere, and said you don't deliver lasagna!"

Me: "That's right, we don't."

Cust #2: "WHY DON'T YOU DELIVER LASAGNA?!?!?!"

Me: "Because we don't make it." (this is in the most inflectionless voice EVER. I mean super-deadpan)

Cust #2: "Oh...okay." *hangs up*


Story #2

Me: *intro spiel*

Cust: "Hi, can I get a pepperoni pizza, with half pepperoni?"

Me: "Wait. You want a pizza with all pepperoni, or half pepperoni?"

Cust: "No, I want a regular pepperoni pizza, but with half the pepperoni on the side."

Me: "...on the side?"

Cust: "Yeah, like maybe in a little cup?"

Apparently, it's store policy to kowtow to insane special orders, because the manager approved it. But, I got these all the time. Give me some time, I'll remember them all.

~mike

In my last job, I actually didn't deal with customers. Rather, I processed "Illness or Injury Inquiry" forms. So, if you got hurt, and your doctor bills exceeded a certain amount, you would receive one of these forms. The purpose was to determine whether someone else was responsible for paying the bill (i.e. an auto accident, a school accident, etc.).

The form is super simple, easy to fill out. So, let's say I have a disc disorder, I might say something like, "I noticed some lower back pain about 2 months ago. After tests, it was revealed that I had dislocated my C-4 disc. I am unaware as to how this occurred." See...easy. :)

But...what you notice in these forms is:

--How incredibly bad some folks' handwriting is.

--How the spelling of some folks makes Jag look like the Spelling Bee winner. Examples:

sirvical
kyropracter

--The responses:

"Please pay this bill! My bills are now going to collections!" (If you don't fill the form out initially, they won't pay your claim.)

"I don't understand why I had to fill this form out. There was no accident and I'm not suing anybody!"

"No one else was responsible. It was my own stupid fault."

"I'm just getting old."

"There was no injury. I fell down the steps. I was diagnosed with a broken fibula."

"I have no intention of hiring an attorney unless you don't pay my bill." (One of the questions on the form is, 'Do you plan to hire an attorney?')

"sdafhslhfasf" (No, they don't actually write this. But Amerihealth handles Israel's social insurance system. Some of the forms come back in Hebrew.)

I won't miss them. Trying to read some of them hurt my eyes.

Register War Journal Entry #325:

We're having a bargain sale. All the piddly-ass crap that we've been selling for navel lint is now 75% off. Further, we've tacked another 10% onto already-discounted things n a vain effort to mystify the customers into coming back by the smell of Blackberry Mountain "coffee".

Customer comes up to my register with stack of mechandise, one of which being the was-30-now-40%-off items. I ring him up, give him the total, and this follow:

************************

Customer: Nonononono. (gives a wierd hybrid of tsk-tsk and clicking his tongue against the roof of his mouth) This one here's 40% off, sonny boy. (he said "sonny boy". This cemented him on my hate list.)

Me: I know. It came up like that. (I show him my monitor)

Customer: Ohhhhh, my. Here. (extends his arm, bares his wrist) Slap it.

Me: ...

************************

The man would not retreat. He refused to proceed along with the transaction until I at least tapped him on the wrist.

Why Lord? Why me? This never happens to the other regiserfs. You would know that. As would I, because they would bitch to me about it.

~mike

So its a quiet day in the bike shop, early spring so we don't even have our new stock yet. I'm reading the Velonews, got a beer stashed under the counter. The customer marches in wearing some kind of outdoorsman ensemble including carabiners dangling from his backpack.

Griff Good afternoon, can I help you find something.

Outdoor Man What do you have in aluminum? very loud very brusque

Griff Just that GT mountain bike frame hanging over your head there.

Outdoor Man What are you a f:)cking imbecile!!!!????

Griff The truck with our new bikes'll be in later this week, we'll have them built by Saturday. approaching customer considering whether or not the dumpster is too full to stuff a body in

Outdoor Man F:0ck you! You GD asshole. slams his way out the door

After all this time, I finally figured out the deal.... He was looking for cans.

Maybe he really, really liked you.

Mike: I assume everything is copacetic at B&N, now?

Maybe that guy was a submissive. *shrugs*

How many of you ever worked retail? Raise your hands. (menace)Raise 'em...(/menace) Good.

Now, how many of you have served customers who insist on calling you by your first name because you wear a name tag?

I hate those people. As if because company policy dictates that I wear a hunk of plastic with my name emblazoned upon it, we're on a first-name basis. I can't wait until my last day, just so I encounter one of these people and enact the following:

********************
Customer: How's it goin' Mikey? (I pray it's a Mikey person. Those are the recipients of my creme-de-la-creme hatred. For the others, go here. My parts of the list are from the third one down.)

Me: Not too shabby, Asshole I'll Never See Again.

********************

Now, I know that there are people out there who decide they want to make the world a more personable place, like life was in the suburbs from circa 1950 to, in occasional places, now. To you I say, go away. The world is a frighteningly large place, and you are deceptively insignificant. And as the last wisps of steam have vented, I bid you all farewell.

~mike

I used to work at Hastings, which is a book/music/video/software chain in the south. Anyway, there was one customer who was angry over late fees he had accrued for an overdue movie.

Before he went to leave, he extended his hand to the manager in apology. When the manager shook his hand, he gripped it so the manager couldn't let go, and then started saying a bunch of shit in Latin. He then declared that the manager and everyone else at the store 'was now cursed', and that he hoped we got what we deserved.

Mike Mike Mike...I have great concern for you. You're only 17...you have so many more years to build up some righteous hatred. ;)

We were required to wear name tags at CVS. Mine was supposed to be especially made since I was a manager, but the dumbfucks at corporate never got around to it. Soooo...

I would take a generic tag that we have for the regular employees, and I would create one for myself with the labelmaker.

Some might have known me as Bob, Rahsaan, Alejandro, or Abdul. :)

They opened a Hastings in my college town (Cape Girardeau, MO) right before I moved back to St. Louis in late '95. Pretty decent...and it was nice to have a place that actually offered a selection.

You know, that's assault. At that point, he's crossed the line. I personally would have used my other hand to start slugging the shit out of his face. If you were questioned on it (and you would be), you would simply say that you feared for your life, and you thought next that he was going to pull out a gun and shoot you.

I would have beat that guy until he let go, either willingly or by losing consciousness. And then I would have beat him some more.

Unfortunately, they'd probably fire anyone who did that. So instead, we waited until he left and then laughed our asses off.

The owner of the bike shop had a brother who made those name tags and personalized trophies and stuff, so he tried to get everyone labeled, very annoying, but we just traded them around and misplaced them until he gave up. you don't look like a Chrissy After a while, I noticed he would occasionally wear one so he could give some custumers the old My boss won't let me do that routine, when folks were unreasonable. For retail it wasn't a bad gig, we got a percentage of our sales and bike parts at cost, less, or free and occasional bonuses like the run down to Philly for the Interbike bender.

well, working with customers, i notice more than anything their rudeness. like when i'm sweeping the floor, and i'm turned the other way, and instead of politely saying "excuse me", they say "hey" or clear their throats. at which point i act like i didn't hear them and smile to myself where they can't see it. :)

also, this whole bread slicing thing...we got rid of our bread slicer a few months ago, and i have no idea how many people i've had to repeatedly tell "no, we don't have it back, and i don't know if we ever will...if we get it back, you will see it right there." and point to the place where the very obvious bread slicer used to be, and now there is a huge GAP. as if they couldn't tell it was gone by themselves, i have to tell the SAME PEOPLE numerous times that it will be there IF it comes back.

and then there was the woman last night who asked me if i could cut her fruit torte for her before she bought it. as in, cut it into equal portions. exxcuse me for a moment here, but HOW FUCKING LAZY CAN YOU BE? to have someone else cut a cake for you? lame.

and the kids. the kids and their cookies. oh. my. god. some of these children are so terribly rude...not only do they not say "excuse me", but they don't say "please" or "thank you" or even "may i"...maybe i could excuse this a little because they are children, but their parents really ought to teach them better manners. jesus. and the parents come over and say "yeah, can she get a cookie?" i feel like replying "maybe if you ask nicely."

I had a drunk guy spit on me and try to hop the service desk counter when I worked for Venture (circa 1993). Thank God the off-duty cop was nearby.

When I was at CVS, we used to have this goofy woman who would bring her kid in while she shopped. The kid would run around the store, throwing merchandise on the floor. Then, she would bring a bunch of shit up to the register, then say she had to get something else...and be gone for another 10 minutes, holding up my only cashier. Then, she would try to write a check, which would be denied, bitch about that for 5 minutes, then use a credit card (which would sometimes be denied as well).

I finally said something to her the week I left CVS. (Go figure.) She tried to hold up my register to which I told her we couldn't ring her up until she was ready to leave. Then I told her that I would call the police if her son damaged any merchandise, to which I got that "You asshole!" look.

I used to cook at Pizza Hut. It wasn't exactly challenging, so I had to get creative to keep myself from being bored.

So one time, I get this tickets that has a family cheese breadsticks and a hand tossed medium pepperoni pizza. I'm like "w0rd", and I toss the breadsticks in. Then I pull out a hand tossed, stretch it out, perforate that mother fucker like it ain't no thang, toss on some sauce, half cheese, bottom cheese for the pepperoni side and then go to work with the pepperoni.

Well, regular pepperoni is boring and tedious, as my sister can tell you. So I'm like "man, I need to get a bit creative with this one." So I toss down half pepperoni, then run into the back, drop my shorts and pinch a nice loaf in the dishwashing water. I put on some plastic gloves, pull that thing out, rinse it off (wouldn't want the people eating soap), and then plop it right in the middle of the pepperoni section. It's looking pretty good, so I toss it in the oven.

Jenni apparently thought so too, 'cause she cut it when it came out. Nikki didn't complain either and took it over to the guy. Well, he gets pissed off that I shit in his pizza. Like, hello, I didn't shit in it. I shit in the sink and then placed the turd on the pizza. Like he didn't know it was just a joke anyway. He starts getting all pissy and asking if I want to take it outside. I'm like "Man, I've got more pizzas to make, but if you just want a quick golden shower, I can accomodate." So then he starts getting really mad and he pulls out this .357 Magnum revolver. Big fuckin' thing. And he points it right at my head and pulls the trigger. Well, being that I've seen Penn and Teller do this a thousand times, I just clamp my teeth down really fast and, voila, bullet caught. I spit it out into my hand and I'm like "are you happy now, you silly little fuckadoodle?" He's like "yeah, that was fun." So he goes back and eats his poopy pizza.

Anyway, I just thought I'd share that, because I think it illustrates how customers can be really rude, but you can turn their frown upside down with a little bit of kindness and some well placed magic tricks.

*rofl* I thought that was real until the gun part.

I'm employed by a locally owned pizza place right now, and i'd never let anyone do sick shit to people's food. Even if it meant losing my job, i'd have to stand against something like that.

Lots of people seem to not be that way, though. Also, since i've never been presented with such a situation, who knows how I might react.

Seriously though, it's modeled after a real incident. I just felt like getting silly with it.

I really did get bored at Pizza Hut, and I really did need to do something to keep the boredom from killing me.

Occasionally I would make pizzas a little differently than how they were supposed to be made. On one occasion, I was quite bored and had nothing to do, and I got an order - medium hand tossed, half pepperoni. Instead of making two distinct halves - one pepperoni, one just cheese - I did quarters. Two quarters were cheese, and two were pepperoni. It just so happened that the like quarters were opposite each other - as in, clockwise from top right, pepperoni, cheese, pepperoni, cheese.

Jenni got a kick out of it. Josh, the waiter, thought it was cool too. He took it out to the table. Then he comes back and talks to me.

"Man, that fucking idiot out there is pissed off about your pizza."

"Yeah?," I say. "What'd he say?"

"He was like 'What's this? I ordered half pepperoni, half cheese. Maybe I need to go talk to that cook. Maybe we need to discuss this outside.'"

I just found this to be the most comically ridiculous thing. He got a half pepperoni, half cheese pizza. Moreover, it was fucking spectacularly laid out - exactly half and half. I took a gander out at him and there's this college age dude with a girl. Of course, it makes sense to me then - he's doing this to look macho in front of his woman. Which means he's really just a big fucking sissy.

I've never been in a fight where I didn't wallop the living fuck out of the other person, so... his choice. A <b>big</b> strong Pizza Hut cook versus some pimply faced assbite with an inferiority complex. I leave it up to you to decide who would win.

I tell Josh "Tell him that if he'd like to discuss it with me, it can certainly be arranged."

Needless to say, there was not another word from him. :)

How dorkful of you. It wasn't his fault you were bored.

I'll never eat in a Pizza Slut again, after I was with a group that was served a pie with a used bandaid in it.

Which is why he got what was ordered - a half cheese, half pepperoni pizza. It's neither here nor there how it was arranged - it's only relevant because, for some unknown reason, it "upset" him (aka, gave him an excuse to be macho in front of a woman). Half cheese half pepperoni is half cheese half pepperoni, no matter which way you slice it (pun not intended).

Exactly. Granted, it may not have been Pizza Hut's specifications, but you gave him what he ordered, I'm sure it was fully cooked, you got a laugh out of it...no harm done. :)

Actually, I spent time on that goddamn pizza. It was a work of art. I was more impressed with how perfectly the pepperoni and cheese lined up than anything. Attention to detail, that's me.

You should have taken a picture. One of the pizza, and one of the look on the guy's face when he got it.

Yeah, what an asshole that customer was! How dare he challenge Dave's authority as pizza maker! Fucking idiot!

(No offense Maggie...I just liked the way you put that...then I got creative.)

Ironically, I worked at Pizza Hut for all of a month.

I think Maggie was more blaming me than him.

I know...I just turned it into something I found funny. :)

lol..

pizza hut was terrible. ugh. can you believe that when i first started working there, i was actually excited about closing? haha. man, if i hadn't had to wash dishes i would have been FINE. i didn't mind deck mopping the floor every night, i just hated the dishes.

but in the customers' defense, i was a terrible waitress that one time :D

I did deliveries. Made alright money, but couldn't stay there for too long: They made me cut my goattee, which is a huge deal to me.

I had just moved back to St. Louis in December 1995 and was back at my old job (Ass't. Customer Service Mgr. at Venture). A customer wanted to return an item because it was defective, and wanted another one. Unfortunately, we were all out, and wouldn't have them in until 3 days later. He didn't like it when my rep told him this, so I went up there to tell him the same thing. His response: "Boy, they must have scraped the bottom of the barrel to find you."

Well, I decided to have some fun with him. I said, "Well, I could call another store, but I'll pass," and walked away. Suddenly, the guy is like, "Aw, come on! I didn't mean it!" I was like, "Well, I don't know. I mean, I'm the bottom of the barrel, remember?"

The guy starts begging and pleading, telling me that he wants to give the item as a gift to his wife for Xmas (which is 5 days away). I give this "in thought" look, and say, "Okay, lemme see what I can do."

Found another one at the next closest store. Guy is happy; he apologizes profusely. I grin profusely, but graciously accept.

Those are the rare moments when I like to wield power as an awesome weapon. :)

I just read the whole shit pizza story, and it jogged my memory.

I never did something like that at the Ortlet, but my brother was involved with something like that at this restaurant near us.

He and his friend were working the late shift (it's a 24-hour place to get something hot and caffeinated before getting back on the road kind of place), and they had just shut the grill down, as it was late, empty, and nobody who came in ordered something significant. Usually coffee. In walks this guy, demanding a mushroom egg-white omelet.

Now, my brother and his friend were livid. They couldn't believe that this happened to them, when they were so close to getting the hell out of there. So my brother's friend (this is TRUE, now) grabs up a handful of mushrooms and puts them in his mouth, chews them up, and spits them on out back into his hand.

At this point, my brother was new to this job, and wanted to keep it, so he left as to avoid any association with what happened next. It wasn't until years later he got up the balls to ask the guy what really happened. The guy just looked over at my brother and raised his eyebrows slightly. From then on, it hasn't been discussed between the two.

My mother hears this, she goes "I'm glad he didn't join in, that's sickening" etc. etc., but you know what? If it wasn't the fact that I hate mushrooms, I would have done the same.

~mike

See, in my mind, morals dictate that you not leave. Morally, you should stay and stop the person from doing it.

A lot of people justify that type of behavior using the "see no evil" theory. Truth be told, if I were younger (16-20) and it had been me, I probably would have done the same thing.

There's this thing with restaurant workers. They think they have some right to not do their work. Sure, you can shut down the grill, but you're taking a risk in doing so. Someone could always come in later and demand an omelet.

Doesn't matter - if you're 24 hours and you advertise that you serve food for those 24 hours, you serve food. You don't serve chewed up food - that's illegal and immoral. You serve the food you're supposed to serve. If you don't like it, bring it up with your boss or quit. It's that simple.

But I've noticed that restaurant types always seem to think that the rules shouldn't apply to them. Of course, they would expect their food to arrive in good condition, even if they got in late and ordered when the grill was off.

They hate the customers. They get <b>livid</b> when a customer asks for something that they offer. Know what? Customers pay your salary. If it weren't for them, you wouldn't have a job. And there's this resentment, like it's their fault that you've got a shitty job.

When a customer is out of line, that's a different thing. But when a customer is just being a customer... well, I've got no empathy for whining clerks, and I've got no respect for someone that would do something like that to another's food.

That just reminded me of my favorite Penn&Teller trick you can pull on friends at a restaurant.

You secretly pocket one of those liquid coffee creamers that come in the little single-serving plastic cup. At some point (preferably after the meal) you palm it so you're making a fist and the creamer is inside, with the paper part facing away from your thumb.

Then you announce "hey, you all wanna see a cool trick?" With your other hand, you pick up a fork and act like you're gonna do something with your eye. There's usually one in every group who is squeamish about foreign objects in eyes, so you really milk this part -- poke at the bottom of your eyelid, etc. Act like you're trying to set up just the right condition to do something but you can't quite get it right.

Then say "OK, hold on a sec.." and bring the hand concealing the creamer up to your eye. Hold it up to your eye, kinda like you were holding a telescope and looking through it, but the creamer is inside with the paper facing out. Then stick the fork through the opening in your fist, through the paper in the creamer, and squeeze the creamer. The shit squirts everywhere, at which point you let out a scream like you just popped yer eyeball.

If you do this last part right, no one will see the creamer at first and it'll freak everyone out for about 1.5 seconds. It never fails to please.

hahaha...penn and teller are really funny :)

david - what really irks me is...well, okay. the bakery closes at 6. that means i turn off all the lights and start cleaning things. consolidating donuts, sweeping and mopping the floor, etc. it really bothers me when, even though the full-service case light is off, and i'm sweeping, customers come up and bug me for something. reason being, i am trying to get my work done, and the bakery is closed. it bothers me even more when i'm trying to clean so i can take my break in 2 minutes, and paul is there waiting for me, and a customer comes up and takes up my entire fucking break talking to me about a cake they want in a week. reason being, i'm trying to LEAVE, as i should be OFF DUTY, and they are making it so that i cannot leave.

i do not understand, and honesty here will show, why a customer thinks it is OKAY to bother someone who is cleaning so they can get something written on a cake. for instance, if -I- were that customer, i would say "oh, that person is evidently busy closing, since i can see that all of the lights are off and they are not out here looking like they want to do customer service...so i will not bother them, and instead will write on my cake on my own." OR if i simply had a question for said employee, i would say "excuse me, i have a really quick question, and i hate to bother you but it will just take a second." and on the same token, if a customer were to say that to me while i was cleaning, i would be much less annoyed with them.

see where i'm coming from? it's not that they are being customers, it's that i have things to get done, or i will get in trouble, since we are not supposed to clock out ONE MINUTE past the end of our shift. seriously, if we could get overtime i wouldn't give a shit, but my managers make SUCH A HUGE DEAL about the whole overtime thing, that it really bothers me to do that.

you know that even when the maketable at pizza hut was broken down, if it was 10:57 we would leave the oven on and leave the doors unlocked so that if a customer came, we could fill their order. it's just a little different when i'm already closed and a customer comes up to me.

bear in mind that there has only been ONE time out of hundreds that i have turned a customer away while i was in the midst of closing, and i felt terrible about it even then. but there was no way i was going to work an 8 hour day without one break besides lunch.

Duh.

If you're closed, you're closed. There's a distinct difference between being closed and "Open 24 Hours".

That "I'm irritated by customers" shit would happen at the restaurant I worked at in high school (1991-92). We closed at 11:30 on Friday and Saturday nights. Now, we were in a large strip mall next to a movie theatre. So, you figure a LOT of movies let out between 10 and midnight, so you're bound to get a few people in after a show.

Oh man...the cooks and the last server would get so pissed. One night, I think the customers could sense the pissiness, so they took their time...and stayed until after 12:30. :)

A situation like that happened to Rho and I about 6 months ago. We had went to El Azteca, which is a great Mexican restaurant in our area. We got there at 9:15 on a Friday night, and they close at 10. No problem, right? I mean, you figure we'll be done by 10 or shortly thereafter.

Well, the only problem I have with El Azteca is that it seems to take forever to get your food (at least 20 minutes). So, by the time we got our food, it was like 9:45. Then came the push. It was hard enough to get someone over to our table (and there were only 2 other tables occupied in the restaurant) for refills, but then they got outright rude once it creeped closer to 10. Whenever our waitress would come by, I would make sure to make some smart ass remark like, "Yeah, I'm just gonna kick back here and take my time," or "Yeah, I'll finish my meal when I'm fucking good and ready...somebody must have a hot date here." We left shortly after 10...and the waitress got a nice fat zero tip.

I don't subscribe to "The customer is always right," but they ARE right in many cases. And if you need customers to keep you and the family business running, shut the fuck up and make me a taco, bitch!

Had we been complete assholes, that would have been another story. But we were merely customers coming in for a late dinner. I'm incredibly well-behaved when at a restaurant. I don't make an order hard...I like to keep it simple in most cases. So, what's the deal?

Here's another twist on strange service.

When Rho and I lived in Maryland, we regularly frequented an IHOP in Takoma Park. The food was great, the servers nice as could be.

Just one problem...lack of English.

From my observations, it appeared that most of the servers were of Ethiopian or Eritrean descent. I would assume that they had not been in the US for too terribly long. And their English was just god-awful. They made a good effort, but their English was badly broken, and they did not understand some simple words. I always left a good tip though...they tried their hearts out, and I imagined that they were here in the US to seek a better life.

I'm sure their English will improve in the next few years with regular repeated use. But, if your language skills are not very good, you should try very hard to NOT work in a job that requires you to talk.

I agree that customers should be valued, but what if your purpose is that you want to see the store fall, due to a dangerously ignorant owner/boss?

~mike

That's faulty logic.

If your purpose is to see the store fail, start nickel and diming them to death - steal little things here, spill things there... food costs will go up, profits will go down, it's all good.

Taking it out on the customer is wrong. What did they do but ask you to do your job? If you don't like it, quit. Don't chew up their food and spit it back out for them to eat.

It's not the customer's fault, so why punish <b>him</b>?

It comes down to people. Treat people with respect.

This is why we were pissed with customers in the first place -- many times they don't treat us with respect. This pisses us off.

But if we're to expect them to treat us decently, we should treat them decently as well.

Customer service seems to have tanked dramatically in the 90s.

I saw the decline taking shape probably 5 years ago. We were having a horrible time trying to hire Xmas help, and pretty much hired anyone with a pulse. And the workers didn't care...they could always find another job that paid more.

And that still seems to be the case. I would have hoped that the economic slump we went through would weed some of that shit out. But I had a horrible time trying to find help when I worked at CVS. I was fortunate enough to have a good core of workers, but to get any new help was like pulling teeth.

Chewbaccus... re: the first name thing... when I was in high school in the Great Depression of the early 80s, my mom supplemented her massive schoolteacher salary by working part time in the women's dept. at Sears in the local mall. All the women who worked there, including her, had tags with Miss or Mrs. and their last name. At the time I thought it was cool, because I've never thought it was polite to walk up to somebody you've never met & say, "Hi, Sally, can you show me where the size 8 shoes are?" If they were doing it now I'd probably suggest that they all use fake names to avoid weirdos trying to track them down. Call me unpleasant and impolite, but I've always managed to avoid using a clerk's name. "Excuse me, can you point me to the gigabit ethernet switches" has always worked quite well without the need to pretend that the salesdroid and I are old school chums.

I've never worked retail... thank god.. tho I have my own horror stories from work in dealing with "customers" (i.e. students and employees). My favorite is still the woman who called up to complain that we did not provide laser printers in the dorms. She actually said, "I can't believe I'm paying all this tuition money for little Susie to go to college and you people can't put some laser printers in the dorms!" I had to restrain myself from telling her that if laser printing was the only thing about the experience of going to our college that Susie found important, then she needed to transfer. (For the record, we did have laser printers, but they were in labs where somebody could keep an eye on them.)

I happened to think about my old job in DC last week and it brought back some funny memories.

As I mentioned previously, I worked for a direct marketing company that sold diploma frames and bed linens to college students when I lived in DC. It basically worked like this: We got your information from your school (we worked with about 600 colleges at the time), sent you the info, you called us and placed an order or sent the order by mail. I took orders over the phone for the first 9 months I worked there.

I try to be as articulate as possible over the phone, as did the other 2 reps. However, my buddy Sal spoke rather softly, and had a deep voice. People always fucked his name up when referring to him in a later call: Saul, Seth, Al, Hal, Thal (?). It got to the point where he would use one of these names in taking a call.

I was probably the most articulate of the 3 of us, and it never ceased to amaze me: Gary, Kerry, Perry, Tom (huh?), Barry, Jerry, Larry. How they got this from "Terry," I will never know.

If you've ever had to deal with UPS on a regular basis, you probably already know that they fuck up royally sometimes. Most of the time, they're pretty good, but every now and then, something crazy happens. This has to be one of the funniest calls I have ever taken.

Caller: "I placed my order a week ago, and I still haven't received it yet." (The customer lived on Long Island, and deliveries from our old warehouse near Baltimore to the NYC area only took one day...two days tops.)

Syc: "Okay ma'am, let me track your package through UPS's website and we'll see what we can do."

*Syc tracks the package on the website. He notices the following message on the tracking screen that looked something like this:

"August 30, 1999 10:15am JFK INTL AIRPORT, NY TRUCK CAUGHT FIRE, CONTENTS DESTROYED, UNABLE TO DELIVER, WILL CONTACT SHIPPER"

Syc: *trying to come up with a stall* "Ma'am, the website is not very clear. I'd like to put you on hold for a moment and call UPS."

Caller: "Okay, that'll be fine."

*Syc calls UPS*

Syc: "Yes ma'am, I'm checking the status of a package." *gives rep tracking #*

Rep: "Okay...*puts it into system*...what the?!"

Syc: "Are you showing that there was some sort of fire?"

Rep: "Ummm....yeah, wait a minute...*puts Syc on hold*...sorry about that. Yeah, apparently there was a fire on that truck on Tuesday. They just sent the claim paperwork to you yesterday. I am REALLY sorry about this." *rep genuinely sounds sad*

Syc: *laughs* Well, I guess shit happens sometimes

Rep: *laughs* Yeah...

*Syc hangs up with UPS and goes back to the customer*

Syc: "Ma'am, I am incredibly sorry. I don't know how to tell you this...but it appears that the truck caught fire at JFK airport on Tuesday. Unfortunately, they hadn't informed us of this yet. I'll get a new package sent out to you this afternoon for next day delivery."

*Customer sounds angry at first, then surprised, then kinda laughs...is agreeable to what Syc offers*

Syc goes to the order processing clerk: "Look, we need to get this package out ASAP."

Clerk: "But it's only going to New York...that's only a one-day delivery anyway."

Syc: "Come over here." *Syc takes clerk over to his cubicle and shows her the tracking screen*

Clerk: "Oh...shit! Are you serious?!"

Syc: "Just got off the phone with them...it happened."

Clerk: "I'll call the warehouse and have them prioritize it."

Thankfully, the customer was understanding, and everything turned out okay. I mean, that sort of thing sounds almost unreal. :)