A Not So Happy New Year
 

I thought, for a while, that things were nearly perfect, and that nothing could go ‘wrong’. Boy, was I mistaken. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned publicly or not, that my Grandmother has been ill for the past few months. It’s been a struggle, because we haven’t been able to figure out exactly what it is that’s wrong with her. She’s been having pain that shows in different parts of her body, and goes away just as mysteriously. She’ll have a streak of good days, or weeks, and then head right back downhill again. It’s mystified the doctors, it’s frustrated us, because we’ve not been able to help her, and it’s worried us, quite a bit.

Tuesday, we found out what was wrong, and where we’re headed with things. Gram was scheduled to have an MRI to figure out where some suspected pressure fractures were in her back. The doctors were planning on putting some sort of ‘bone glue’ in her back to relieve the pain and pressure that she’s been dealing with. It was a ‘fix’ but not a ‘solution’ – they still weren’t sure where the fractures were coming from in the first place. The ambulance showed up, took her to the hospital, and she started the test. From what I was told, she wasn’t able to finish it – the pain was too bad, and they had to stop things to help her out. They gave her morphine right away, and it barely touched the pain. She couldn’t figure out how to use the PCA pump to give herself doses of the drug, she was too out of it from the pain, and the drugs that she had already had. The doctors told my Mom and Aunt that they saw evidence of bone cancer from what they got from the test, and that things were not looking very promising. Tuesday evening, the family was discussing calling Hospice to bring Grammy home, to make her comfortable, and let her live out her last days with us.
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Yesterday, the doctors did a bone scan, and a CAT scan, after making sure she was asleep and as comfortable as they could make her. When the results came back, they were dismal. She has tumors all along her spine, which is where the pain in her back is coming from. She has tumors in her lungs, and a fairly large tumor in her throat, which is making it difficult for her to breathe and eat. The doctors said that she was already fairly de-hydrated, and it wouldn’t take long for her organs to start shutting down. When my Grandfather got sick, both of my grandparents signed living wills, asking that if they got to a point where modern medicine could not return them to the lives that they were accustomed to, that the family was to do whatever they could to make them comfortable, and let nature take its course. Last night, my Mom and Aunt decided that giving Gram food and water was only going to prolong her agony and rob her of whatever peace she has left in life.
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So now we’re waiting. She’s sleeping, and will probably never wake up again. Mom said that whenever she does wake up, all she can do is whisper ‘help me’. They’ve upped her dose of morphine, and the doctor tells us that she does not have any awareness of what’s going on around her. Without water, she’ll probably go on for another day or so.

It is so hard to comprehend how quickly all of this happened. She was vibrant and vital just a few weeks ago, and now, that woman is gone. All that we have of her is a memory. I’ve been debating going to the hospital or not. Both Mom and Aunt have said that if I don’t go to the hospital, they’ll understand. That Gram knows that I love her, and going to see her, when she doesn’t know I’m there, isn’t going to do any good for her. <o =""></o>

The problem is, I didn’t get to say good bye to my grandfather – he died so suddenly, and I was too sick to be around the family when it happened. I think about that from time to time – and it really bothers me. I don’t want to feel that way with my Gram.
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So, this is where I am right now – and why I haven’t felt like posting happy year end resolutions, and looking forward to 2005. Because one of the people who is the most important in my life, won’t be there to share it with me.
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I love you Gram…may your journey to Glory be quick and painless, and may you reap the rewards of the love you have sown your entire life. You will live in my heart forever. <o =""></o>

Oh, Dag, I'm sorry...

I think that if you can steel yourself for it, go and see her. At least try to. . . don't miss this brief opportunity... it's not so much for her, she's lived all this time and knows you care... it's for you.

My thoughts are with you.

Dag, my thoughts are with you, and with your family.

Be well.

I'm very sorry, Dags...may God look over you and your family during this difficult time.

I'm sorry, Dagney. I hope you can find at least a little peace knowing that this is what she would have wanted.

Why does it seem like so much of this sort of stuff has to happen around the holidays? Awful. Hope things work out for the best for you.

I'm sorry to hear that Dag. I will keep my memories of your grandmother as she was, vibrant and vivacious. You can call me if you just want to talk.

Brian

Sorry to hear about your grandmother. May her reward be rich and eternal. A little bit of her will live in you and that will be a source of warmth, comfort and strength.

Dagney, go to this thread and read it. Then read it again and again and again. Print it, frame it, cherish that good time you had together. Don't ever let go of that memory because that's what family is about....that's what Gram was about. :grouphug:

Dag, you have my deepest sympathies. It is all so unfair, and as family, we want so desperately to help. Bruce is right. Hold on to the good memories, and be there for the rest of your people. My thoughts are with you and your Gram.

My thoughts are with you and your family at this difficult time. Keep the good memories close. I would personally not go to the hospital. Keep her in your memory as you wrote in the thread, and not a fragment of the woman in the bed that you'll see if you go. I've been through that and looking back, I shouldn't have gone.

Sending hugs and love your way, you know where I am if you want to talk.

Now, if I could only figure out why those stupid smileys showed up where they're not supposed to :(

Anyway....
I stopped tongiht on the way home from work (they let me go home early....) Gram was awake, and although not completely coherent, was alert enough to know I was there. And she was glad of it.

She keeps telling us she wants to go home.

The doctor said that if she makes it through the night, and through tomorrow relatively well, they'll schedule hospice to take her home on Saturday, and then she'll be at home, where she can look out her window, see her deer, birds, and squirrels, and have her dogs and her family at her side.

Thanks for your warm thoughts guys...this is harder than I ever thought it would be. She means the world to me.

Kellie

The thoughts and prayers of all near me are with you and yours. I understand what you mean about not being sure before you went to see her. My Mama (grandmother) had been out of it since 94. SHe will never get better and does not recognize anyone. She actually is only marginally aware at any given time. Doctors say she is so healthy she may live another ten years. PErsonally I have a hard time seeing her like that.
If it is time for your Gram to go, I hope it is swiftly. I have always felt I would rather mourn a passing then have to see the suffering. May the divine hold you close in your time of need.

My thoughts are with you Dagney. Try to focus on the good things.

Dag, I'm glad you got to see her. I never got to say goodbye to my mother when she passed and I've always regretted it. I did get a chance to say goodbye to my father before he died and have been glad of it, even if he didn't know I was there. It was closure for me, not him.

Hospice is the way to go in my opinion, and what I would choose if I could. I have counselled two people through the final phase and was present at the passing of one good friend and it's the best way...surrounded by friends and family, in a familiar place. I believe the person knows where they are even if it doesn't show.

I opened a new box of warm fuzzies just for you in this time of need...help yourself!

Brian

My thoughts and prayers are with you also, Dag. I know how awful it is to go through something like this, my grandmother passed in a similar way.

Keep the faith.

I am glad that your family is able to use hospice services, to help your grandmother's passing in familiar surroundings full of love. May she pass with grace, and her life with your family remain clearer in your memories than her passing.

Blessings, love, and luck to you all.

Hold on to the good memories, Dag. They are part of what will keep your Gram alive for you and generations to come. My thoughts are with you and your family. :grouphug:

I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. Marci lost her mother in a very similar way. The doctor failed to diagnose her back pains. At one point they had her scheduled to see a psychiatrist. By the time they ran even a simple x-ray, it was too late. It was just about the time Jeffrey, her first grandchild, was born. The hospital had a video camera installed in the lobby so that patients could see visitors who weren't allowed in. I held Jeffrey up to the camera so that she could see her grandson. She died that day, just 4 days after being admitted.

Your grandmother was very smart to write a living will. After seeing what happened in Florida, I think the right to choose the way we die is as important as the right to choose the way we live.

Take care of yourself and your family.

My deepest condolences to you and your family. :(

Hold on to those memories of your Gram and may they put a bit of joy in your heart and a smile on your face when you need it the most.

Peace and blessings.

Gram passed away this evening at 712 pm, in her bedroom, with my Mom and Aunt holding her hands. She'd been struggling to breathe for the past day or so, and from what I was told, took a few short breaths, and just stopped.

Our Hospice staff has been wonderful, they've bent over backwards to make things as easy as possible for us. The gentlemen from the Cremation Society prayed as they made Gram ready for transport to the hospital for an autopsy, and then to the creamatorium.

I can't even begin to describe the hole I have in my heart right now. There is simply not enough time to say goodbye, when you know you'll never say hello again.

I'm very sorry for your loss, Kellie...may she smile upon you from above.

With her sister and her daughter. May God be as kind to me.

I'm very sorry for your loss. Live as she would have liked to see you live and her spirit will stir within your soul.

Live as she would have liked to see you live and her spirit will stir within your soul.

Words to live by !!!!!!!!


Sorry for your loss Dag , :(
but she got to look out her windows and rember the flowers and the garden . :)

I'm sorry to hear about your loss.

Dagney, my heart goes out to you, and to your family. She left you knowing your love, and you hers, which are great gifts.

Her life was long, and full of joys and sorrows, those experiences which bring us together, as friends and families. Remember her life, reflect not so long on her leaving it.

My condolences to you and yours, Dagney. I don't know about ya'll, but I think we need to put a moratorium on the concept of death for at least a few months.

Dag, that hole in your heart will soon be filled with years and years of happy memories. They will flood in soon, even ones you'd forgotten about. :)

not to try to grandstand or anything.. really.. my mother died two years ago (also of cancer and there was the machine that could have saved her 30 miles away... heh professional strife... and all)

Anwyay I hope she died in peace and knowing she did all she could to help her loved ones.

and i wish you and the survivors well.

peace be with you.

My heartfelt condolences also Dag. I will always remember her as the outgoing woman on the porch.

I repeat my invitation to call me if you need anything.

Brian