And they didn't get it
 

At the doctor's office:

Nurse: OK, your tetanus booster is done.
UT: Great! Now I can resume my job at the rusty barbed wire factory.
Nurse: Uh, OK.


At the office (happened a while back):

Bill: Hey Tony, they left a box of animal crackers in the break room.
UT: Oh, I can't eat those, I'm vegetarian.
Bill: Really? I didn't know that!

Get what?


http://www.cellar.org/images/smilies/smile.gif

That's okay, Undertoad. No one ever gets my humor, either. Just means they're of inferior intellect.

I always feel like I'm reading a socialite gossip column when you bold everyone's names like that. :)

Heinlein describes these situations as "I was pulling his leg and it came off in my hand."

I think this is just the price you pay for having a deadpan delivery. However, you can still get a little fun out of these things. Tilt your head and look expectantly at the listener. (Think Chandler talking to Joey) Wait for the lightbulb to turn on. At least you get a chuckle out of it this way.

it makes me realize that I pick my friends based almost entirely on a shared sense of humor. We all think we're the funniest people alive, and pretty much everyone else things we're nuts.

-sm

As well you should. It's one of those things that define compatibility even when you have differences over politics, religion etc.

Not long after my wife and I met, we went to a church "Las Vegas" night. One of the things you could gamble on was a wheel of states. Every 20 minutes or so, women would come around selling tickets with state names on them. During the evening, I had the choice of some Northeast states. I chose Vermont and said to (my then girlfriend) "It must be beautiful this time of year". With no hesitation at all she replied, "All that snow."

I knew at that moment that she was a keeper.

Why, Clodfobble (is that better?)? I've always considered it a message-board courtesy so that anyone can see quickly that they are being addressed or mentioned. If it's irritating I'll stop.

Well, actually, I probably won't, but I think it was generous of me to offer, anyway.

It doesn't bother me, it's just what the gossip columns do. In my head I hear, "Update! J.Lo and Ben Affleck are no longer this week's hottest item! We've heard rumors, however, that Madonna's having another baby and this time the father is street magician David Blaine! And in Philadelphia this week, Lumberjim was spotted at a local eatery with long-time romance jinx, while Undertoad basks in the success of his newest vBulletin upgrade, which topped this box office this week."

This is a pretty small community so people are likely to notice their names anyway, but there's no need to change just because of me. :)

Just because I'm feeling showy, I will now reveal myself as The Onion's very own Jackie Harvey! Consider me exposed. :)

Is that supposed to mean something? (I'm not saying this for some kind of humorous effect. I'm serious.)

The Onion's Jackie Harvey is a gossip columnist extraordinaire.

Yipee! Can I start referring to myself in the third person now? http://www.cellar.org/images/smilies/3eyedsmiley.gif

Actually, Jane's idea has some merit. It's just not "old cellar" style (cough, cough). It does take some getting used to, though. I thought she was "shouting" at people at first.

My father had an extremely dry humor with a deadpan delivery which I think I inherited from him. People don't always "get" my humor either. A couple of years ago we had a huge forest fire about 30 miles from where I live. I drove through the area after the fire had been put out and stopped at a gas station in a small town on my way.

Clerk: (making small talk) That will be $15.00, so are you visiting our area?

Me: No, I'm from around here. I just wanted to check out "Crispy Critter National Forest."

Clerk: (blank stare) Where's that?

or

Receptionist at doctor's office: I'll need your address, please.

Me: Post Office Box 1234 - it's a small place, but its home.

Receptionist: (Puzzled look)

My friends, however, think I'm a riot. That's why they're my friends. ;)

A few months back my wife and I were awakened by a ringing telephone early-ish on a Saturday morning... I found the cordless beside the bed and answered, and it was a Qwest rep, trying to give me a free month of Worthless Telephone Service to try to hook me into signing up. I declined politely, and she started trying to work me over some more. Tired and annoyed, I said to her "You know what? We don't even own a telephone, so we can't really use that service."

"Oh, you don't own a telephone?"

"Nope."

"Ok, well have a nice day." Click.

hahahaha!

i like to test my customers' sense of humor whenever they mention having sympathy for our hours ( usually this happens after closing time, and it is obvious that we are all there because the customer took so goddamn long to say "yes" :))

"You have such rotten hours. sorry we're keeping you here late."

"Oh, no big deal. I only worked half a day today.[dramatic pause] 9 to 9."

"Oh, OK"

this tells me if they're paying attention or not. also can indicate intelligence. If i have to explain that it's a joke and why it's funny..."you see, uh...12 hours"

Wolf(sorry, I tried to stop, but it's just not in me). Check out back issues of TheOnion.com - there's an archive of old Jackie Harvey columns. Hilarity will ensue. Or not, whatever you want.

Like I said before, I always feel like no one gets my humor, but maybe I just never say anything funny.

I got it, does that mean I'm a sicko too? :vikingsmi

I accept the fact that some people will just not get my humor...and that some will even get pissed off by it. That's why I'm proud to be an EEO.

WOLF (there, I win!:D ), I love these situations!

-------------------------------------------

Solicitor: Hello, I'm calling on behalf of Save the Childeren.
Me: I'm sorry, but I don't have any childeren.
Solicitor: Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. Have a nice day.
Me: ............................

-------------------------------------------

Check-out Girl: Will this be check or charge?
Me: Do you take cash?
Check-out Girl: (tilting her head like a dog hearing a new sound) Um, uh, oh, hold on, I'll check with the manager.
True story. Grand Union, Teaneck, NJ. Guess that explains why it's no longer there.

Gotta love polluted gene pools.

Me: Yeah, I need to precertify for inpatient treatment (Translation: Hello, nice insurance company rep. I need to tell you a slightly exaggerated story about why this patient is here at the nuthouse so that I can eat this month)

Care Manager (aka Bastard whose job it is to make sure I don't eat this month): Okay. Looks like he's covered. Have you heard our disclaimer? Precertification of services is not a guarantee of payment (mumbles for another couple of minutes with me also reciting along, since I know the eligibility disclaimer better than they do.) Oh! I guess you have heard the eligibility disclaimer a few times!

Me: Yeah.

Care Manager: All right, let's get started. How did the patient come to you?

Me: By Ambulance.

Care Manager: What?

Me: It's a large vehicle, built on a Ford Truck frame. It's painted white with blue and yellow stripes and has a lot of flashy lights on it and a really loud siren.

Care Manager: No, how did he get to you?

Me: I just told you.

Care Manager: What did he do to get to you?

Me: He held his mother hostage in their residence demanding that she discontinue the study. He threatened to hit police over the head with a large cut glass fruit bowl and made an attempt to do so. He hit the officer in the shoulder instead of the head. He is here because the police failed to shoot him.

-------

The beauty of the "by ambulance" or "in a police car" is that it works EVERY FRIGGIN' TIME. The response is typically followed by a stunned silence.

What the hell? Are you on a per-wacko commission now?

My grandfather has a very dry, dead pan sense of humor. On one occasion we were at a Restaurant and the waitress came and asked us what we wanted to drink. When she got to my Grandpa he in all seriousness said "diet water". The waitress wrote it down and walked off. She came back a few min. later to say she was sorry but they only have regular water and not diet. Poor girl, we all had a good laugh at her expense.

No, but that's a great idea.

My department is the initial point of money generation for the facility. If we can't get past the insurance companies gatekeepers, it's very unlikely that anyone else will. You can appeal a denial of coverage (which are very rare, incidentally, we are *that* good) but I think they are only successful about half the time.

It wouldn't have been as funny to say "so all of the employees here can eat for the month".

Rumack: You'd better tell the Captain we've got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.
Elaine Dickinson: A hospital? What is it?
Rumack: It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now.

How weird is that? I think Wolf might be stuck in an Airplane movie.

you don't have razorblades glued to your thumbnails, do you?

ps. please tell me you were kidding about being Jackie Harvey. I used to bang her.

Really, you banged someone named Jackie Harvey? Did she look a little like Hitler? :eek:

And in the spirit of the thread, I don't get the razor blade/thumbnail thing. Or is that a personal thing?

oh...right. for some reason i thought you were a former lurker.

the last person we had that claimed to be famous was a little ....uh...touched, shall we say.

here it is

Nah, I ain't famous. I'm just full of shit.

For some reason I waited until now to tell you that Jackie Harvey's a guy...have no idea why. Till you asked me if I were him I was just assumin' everyone likes The Onion and reads it faithfully. I did the same thing last Christmas, when I bought my brother-in-law one of those square day-at-a-time calenders a la The Onion, thinking he was a fan. When he opened it we began looking through the headlines. I saw a Jean Teasdale column, referred to my sister as a Jeanketeer, and BIL asked me what the hell I was babbling about.

RE: the link - holy crap, what a freak! Inexplicably, his photo started a continuous loop of ZZ Top's "Sharp Dressed Man" a-runnin' through my tiny mind...

Jean Teasdale
Of the Memphis Teasdales ?????

Absolutely! If that's the right answer in this case, anyway...

I knew you were making a jest, and I actually knew why...Mrs. Elspode used to remark that her primary job was to keep the cash flow going when she did intake at Two Rivers here in KC.

How does it handle?

It's sluggish, like a wet sponge.

Yes, I am serious, and stop calling me Shirley.

Real Court Quotes
After each one, you can hear Homer Simpson saying "D'oh!"...

1. "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"

12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13. Q: "Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"

15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and he had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All of my autopsies are performed on dead people."
(Third favorite.)

18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."

19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him."
(Second favorite.)

20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

21. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a bowl."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
(As I was studying to be a Medical Examiner, this is one is my favorite in this list.)

22. From a defendant representing himself...
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.

23. Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.

24. Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

25. Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.

26. Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for?
Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the "Honorable" in front of your name. Not a damn thing.

27. Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkeness. Have you anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?

28. Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.

29. Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.

I know it was long, and it may not have quite fit into the spirit of this thread, but it was worth it, I think.....

I love #18 and the last one. Those were priceless! Thanks for the good laugh! :D