Homer Jackson
 

Homer, after running into you around the board, now you've got me looking all over the board, to try to keep up with your progress. You can still post all over but how about coming here to keep us updated on how you're doing. I'm too old and fat to chase anybody anymore.:D

Time to put Bruce in the home...everyone, meet me at Bruce's Saturday for an "intervention/commitment/divide up the items" party.

I appreciate your concern, I really do.

This evening, I'm on the top of the rollorcoaster. I'm doing ok. I had to talk to my wife today and everytime I talk to her, I go down in the dumps. I came home, cooked some pizza, listened to some love songs, cried, laughed at the boys on That 70's show, practiced a little guitar until my fingers hurt and then played at the cellar. All in all, I think it's a good night.

I'm going to be on this emotional rollorcoaster ride for a while. On May 4th, we go to court. Luckily, we are trying to do this as peaceful as possible, no lawyers, no fights. Just "let's get this over with" attitude. I dread May 4th. I don't want to go. I can't even fill out the paperwork. I do a little each week until it's complete.

Anyways, I'll keep you posted. And thanks again for your concern.

HJ

Yes, you will be.

But if you're determined to be a better person after it's all said and done, then you'll be fine.

Cool. I forgot to mention before, rather than looking for dates, look for friends. Friends of either sex can help you validate (to yourself) that you're a decent person that people want to hang with. They can also fill in bunches of time. Oh, and stay away fom sentimental music, it just beats you up.

Watch your back, she sounds ruthless.;)

She may sound ruthless, but she's really not.

She could have put me in a financial ruin and then left, but she didn't. She went as far as to make sure everything was paid off before we split. I have no debt at all. She even helped me set up my finances, since she's been doing it for us for 10 years. and she's great at it. I never dealt with any of it. She came over and taught me how to pay the bills, which bills come out of which paycheck, and everything else. I really needed it too.

If she wants to take me down, she could and unfortunately I'd let her. Her family wouldn't. They really love me. We got along great. Her sister even sent me a sympathy card saying that she will miss me and that I should come and visit sometime.

I'll be ok that way, no worries there.

And yes, I'm looking for some good friends to hang out with. I can't start a relationship right now, even though I really want to, it would not be fair to the other person.

And as far as the sentimental music, I like beating myself up. It helps sometimes.

we all do it, don't we? that's why that music sells. You don;t listen to it when you're happy, it's all about expressing feelings that you couldn't name. Some songs that you hear today will forever remind you of this time. So, listen to the shit out of them, and when you decide that you've grieved enough, avoid them at all costs.

Here's a good one:


the cure. like cockatoos

She walked out of her house
And looked around
At all the gardens that looked
Back at her house
(Like all the faces
That quiz when you smile...)

And he was standing
At the corner
Where the road turned dark
A part of shiny wet
Like blood the rain fell
Black down on the street

And kissed his feet she fell
Her head an inch away from heaven
And her face pressed tight
And all around the night sang out
Like cockatoos

"There are a thousand things" he said
"I'll never say those things to you again"
And turning on his heel
He left a trace of bubbles
Bleeding in his stead

And in her head
A picture of a boy who left her
Lonely in the rain
(And all around the night sang out
like cockatoos)



or pretty much anything else by the cure.



or this:

Led Zeppelin. In the light


And if you feel that you can't go on. And your will's sinkin' low
Just believe and you can't go wrong.
In the light you will find the road. You will find the road
Oh, did you ever believe that I could leave you, standing out in the cold
I know how it feels 'cause I have slipped through to the very depths of my soul.
I just wanna show what I'd give you it is from every bend in the road
Now listen to me
Oh, whoa-whoa, as I was and really would be for you, too, honey
As you would for me, oh, I would share your load.
Let me share your load. Ooh, let me share, share your load
And if you feel that you can't go on
In the light you will find the road
Though the winds of change may blow around you, but that will always be so
When love is pain it can devour you, if you are never alone
I would share your load. I would share your load
Baby, let me, oh, let me
In the light
Everybody needs the light.
In the light, in the light, in the light
Light, light, light, in the light
Light, light, light, in the light, ooh, yeah
Light, light, light, in the light

COOL!! I got dibs on the ceramic insulators!

Hey Homer, we're gonna need help moving Bruce to the "home" and taking turns wiping the oatmeal off his chin and boxing up his doodads.

Wanna help?? You gotta bring the beer tho - seeing as how you're the new guy and all. :D

No problem, I'll bring the beer.

I'll bring the paperwork ...

Et tu, Wolf? Or do you just want to get me in one of your private cells?:blush:

You see Homer, you don't need a wife. Just stick around the Cellar awhile, you can get all the abuse you need right here. :)

Bruce,

That was the one thing I didn't miss

Problem...he lives in Delco...do you have friends down there that can help us out?

I know somebody who knows somebody.

I moved.:p

I can't believe that. Who in their right mind would voluntarily go through the work of packing up all that doodadage?

precisely. crazy.

Of course, he could have been spending all this time photographing doodads right before he puts them in the boxes ...

Surely the word is doodadery ?:confused:

No Limey, the dictionary has DooDads, I have DoDads tm. :D

Good one today.;)

Is this an up day, Homer?

This last week was hard. She called and told me told me that she is going to start a relationship with this other guy. They guy that I figured was the cause of this. So to answer your question, no I didn't have that many up days.

So last night, I wrote her a big long letter explaining my feeling and letting go. I'm devistated by the fact that she betrayed me, the last person in the world I thought would. So now, I must let go and concentrate on me. I've changed my diet, I've started to workout six days a weeks and I'm going to get back into shape. Then when I have confidence in myself, I'm going to find my Queen. I'm not going to get in a hurry though. I'm going to live life to the fullest. I'm going to find me.

Now I have to figure out what I'm going to do with my life. I want to concentrate on my career goals and become successful in that part of my life.

I also want to try dating to see if I can do it. But I tried a couple of weeks ago and got shot down. So my confidence is real low right now.

Other than that, how you doing?

ouch!

so she left for another.

motherrrr fucker.


that's gonna leave a mark. how long was it going on between them? is it someone she works with? or someone you both know? or someone she just met?

i don;t know which is better. not that it matters.

fuckin a, homer, hang in there.

I wouldn't worry about finding a queen until you've auditioned all the ladies in waiting. Enlarge your circle of friends/aquaintances and the dates will come to you because if there's anything married women can't stand, it's a free range male. They'll be hooking you up.
Queen,...hmm...I've come to the conclusion that if you put them on a pedestal;
1- They get lonely.
2- They get used to looking down on you.
3- You cease to be any kind of challenge.
4- They see your bald spot before anyone, including you.
Now you don't have to keep them barefoot and pregnant, but it's best to treat them as an equal, even if you feel you're not worthy ...or vis versa.
Career goals aren't bad, but don't be obsessed with a single goal. For example, don't say I want to be President of the USA and be miserable because you only make it to Senator. Say, I want to be a politician and work toward President, and being happy with every step up.
Working out is good. If you get real hunky you might attract some nice guys and you can tell all the women to go to hell. Just kidding. If you get all chiseled and shit, she might regret leaving....naw, she'd probably take credit for motivating you.
Stay positive and keep us posted.

When I was coping with the breakdown of a 12 year relationship I was temporarily bereft of my internet connection. I wish I had had my internet and a link to this site....

I discovered the depth of my sadness and was amazed to find myself at the other side of it...With a deep and abiding friendship still connecting my ex and me.

I hope your journey is as pain free as such a journey can be. Sounds like you guys are trying your damndest to be grownups and not be acrimonious. I wish you both well in this. Its hard, especially if one of you is moving at a different speed. (seeing someone else)

Sounds trite, but time really is your friend in this. Every day is another day closer to the time when you are comfortable with your situation. What feels downright bizarre right now (not being in the relationship) ) may feel perfectly natural in time.

Good luck.

To kind of answer all the replies.

She and I work at the same place, luckily not together and she works on a different shift. But yes, she met this guy at work. They work together. I have some dealings with the department she works in because I support that customer. In July of 2003, they started working together, in October he told her that he was in love with her. She loved it. She was flattered. I was pissed. We argued a lot about it because, yes I was jealous, and she spent so much time with him. 40 hours a week plus when she would get home at night they would play games on line. He got her into Everquest. I should have know then, that my marriage had ended. She claimes that nothing has happened yet, but she would like to persue it. I think she is lying. I know that she would not cheat on me, I think that she is pushing for this divorce and then she will start the relationship once it is final.

I don't get it though. She grew up very religious, me somewhat. I met her when I was 15. She asked me not to start drinking (everybody in my family does), so I didn't since I hadn't started anyways it was easy. She wanted a family but we both agreed that we should get our degrees before we started the family. This guy gets drunk every weekend and he has kids and can't have any more (there are other things that would also go against what she wants, but we'll leave it at this). Why would she be interested in him? He can't give her the things that she wants (or at least used to want). I don't get it. She stated at the beginning of this break up that she wasn't happy and she wanted to be alone and find herself. I think that she is partially telling the truth there. He will never make her happy and she's not seeing that yet. She will have to discover it on her own.

I love her (even though I would never take her back, I can) and I want her to be taken care of, but at the same time, I hope that she persues this relationship with him because I know that sooner or later she will get in too deep and realize the mistakes that she made and regret it. Is that bad of me to say?

Even though I care and worry about her, I have to stop. I have to worry about me. And Bruce your right, I will be careful about how I concentrate on items in my life, especailly my career goals. I think overall, my life goals wont change. Just because I made goals with her in mind doesn't mean that I still wont have a family later on. That is my ultimate goal. To have my family. I think it's a realistic goal. It may not be with Cindy Crawford (ha ha joke) but I will find my queen.

Queen: meaning that I want her to feel like I'm taking care of her and that she is the only one in my life. That she feels special. That she knows that I love her and she is happy. No, I'm not going to buy her everything in site, that's where I went wrong with my wife....she wants and wants and wants but it never makes her happy. I use the word Queen because I want her to feel like she is a Queen of my world and that I'm the King in hers. I don't know how else to describe it without sounding superficial. I guess I'm still a hopeless romantic.

Either way, She (my wife) keeps turning that knife in my back a little harder each time we speak and I hurt from it, but I'm amazed that I can bounce back like I have because before I would have probably killed myself.

You guys are great. And I hope that I haven't overstayed my welcome. It helps to get this out.

You don't sounds hopeless at all, Homer.

You sound like a guy who cares very deeply, isn't afraid to feel, and any woman who receives the kind of attention you describe should bask in it and cherish it.

*hugs* (just ask bruce. I do good hugs)

It might be a good idea to try to limit contact with her until after may 5th.;)

Yeah, great hugs.:D

Your right about the contact, but it's not me contacting her. She contacted me. She only called to talk about divorce crap. I was stupid and asked the question. I guess I needed to know.

And yes, I'm glad I asked. I rather know. It hurt, but I have closure. Which is what I needed. Now I feel that I can move on. It was a release and even though it hurts, it feels good at the same time.

Thanks everybody for your care and support. The hugs are nice too. I'll keep you informed on the happenings.

yes, do.

i'd like to know as much as you feel like telling us. THis is really a great place to share this kind of thing.

Now, you might feel a little hesitant to bare your true feelings and emotions on the internet where anyone can read them, but if you think about it, it makes sense.

Advice helps with things like this. Too much time alone thinking about it all can put you into a tailspin of depression and regret. But telling your friends or relatives carries repercussions, too. You feel like you should put on a brave face. You don;t want to make them feel obligated to feel sorry for you. It's an awkward thing.

In here, you'll get honest feedback from a wide base of experiences. while friends will be supportive, they will invariably color their advice or reactions to help cheer you up. They may not be honest about how they feel because they want you to feel better. You'll get the straight dope here. and some jokes.

and we'll take the benefit of your experiences with this into our own. I, personally, cannot really imagine going through this. My parents got divorced when I was 12, my sister got divorced a few years ago, but there again, I got the brave face from them. And I didnt really want to know the details.

so, if you would like, treat this thread like a log, and keep it updated frequently.

No problem Lumberjim, I kinda feel that way.

I'm not putting on the brave face here. I have actually let go. Which is why I keep coming back. I know that if somebody is tired of hearing it, they'll stop reading this thread.

I have put up a brave front for friends and family because, I'm afraid that they will get sick of me and I'll lose them too.

I've let go, and now I'm thinking about tomorrow. And I'm going to live today.

I'll do my best to keep this thread alive. Don't worry.

HJ

While you're here anyway ... work on some of the other threads. Start some about your own interests and experiences ... It'll help remind you you have other things going on in your life too.

Thats so true. I wish I had known about this place when I was going through the turmoil of a breakup. There really is something very very reassuring about the general sense of humanity in this cellar.

Excellent suggestion. A breakup grabs your immediate attention. You feel like your life is crumbling where in truth only one part of your life is changing.
You might be surprised to find, very shortly, that your life is actually improving. I can remember saying, "I still love her, I miss her, but I'm so much better off without her." It didn't take that long. :)

Bruce, Wolf, Dana

Ok, spill the beans. You've heard my story and then some. Let's hear yours, if it's not too painful.

The funny thing about that is, I didn't have anything else in my life. I worked and went to school. I did all the shopping, housework and cooking. She didn't like doing that stuff, so I did it. I didn't have time for anything else.

I like cars and Movies. And in October of 2003, I sold my car of 14 years. It was my first car. My dad and I restored it when I was in high school. It was a 1966 Mustang. Candy Apple red, black interior and a sound that would blow up skirts as I drove by. I wasn't a mustang fan at all, but him and I go had so much history, I couldn't get rid of him (and yes, it's a boy).

I had been thinking about it for a couple of years that he would not be a good family car and since we were getting ready to start the family, I decided to let him go. I sold him for what I wanted out of him and he went to New Zealand. I can't even see him, which is good. Just like the wife, I don't want to see someone else riding him.

So I guess I'll start a car thread when I have something to talk about. Wolf, it's a good idea, thanks.

Which one?:haha: Oh, it was a Corvette and GTO and a '55 Chevy. ;)

*jumping up and down cheering!!!*

I know what that's like (to "find" myself), and some parts of it may not be easy, because what I've found is that when you do that, you have to take a hard look at yourself to see what things *you* may have done to contribute to where you are...do you know what I mean? No one likes to admit that they've done something to contribute to being in a bad place in life, but sometimes, it could be just little things that need to be changed, and you seem to be well on your way.

Good luck!!!! :D

Hell naw! I'll admit that I wish all kinds of bad to people who have done me a great wrong in life...in any event, karma might take of her anyway. *evil grin*

Quote:

Queen: meaning that I want her to feel like I'm taking care of her and that she is the only one in my life. That she feels special. That she knows that I love her and she is happy. No, I'm not going to buy her everything in site, that's where I went wrong with my wife....she wants and wants and wants but it never makes her happy. I use the word Queen because I want her to feel like she is a Queen of my world and that I'm the King in hers. I don't know how else to describe it without sounding superficial. I guess I'm still a hopeless romantic.

Oh, you'll find her yet. Don't waiver from this belief.

Quote:

Either way, She (my wife) keeps turningt that knife in my back a little harder each time we speak and I hurt from it, but I'm amazed that I can bounce back like I have because before I would have probably killed myself.

Try like hell to stop feeling that way. She may be gaining pleasure by hurting you, and to be able to show her that you are not, that'll piss her off even more.

Revenge is a dish best served cold, and living well is the BEST revenge. :D Sorry, feeling fiesty today, but in a revengeful,good way.

*attempts an American accent* You go girlfriend!

*faking a British accent* By jove, I think you've got it! :thumb:

See Homer, I told you women are cold.:haha:

Ok...beanspilling is it? *nods* fair enough. I just split from my partner of 12 years....I say just, it was actually nigh on two years ago....and found myself in the unenviable position of staying in a back room at my mum's little cottage. I tried to find a place to rent but my credit rating is shot to buggery and all the letting agents credit check.....I finally moved to my own place about 3 months ago. This is the first time in my entire life I have lived alone. *smiles*

My ex and I never had what anyone might call a simple relationship *chuckles* We were a couple of messed up teens with our fingers hovering over the self destruct buttonwhen we met. I loved him though. I am quietly convinced I will never love anybody the way I loved him. Still love him. He is the one who was there when I did much of my growing up. We were each other's sounding board whilst we were figuring out, who we were, what we thought....and helping each other learn to cope with what life had dealt us.

There were some very dark times. Recreational drugs taken too far ( though never to addiction and rarely for long) the abandonment of study and ambition....A lot of the time we were both quite depressed and neither of us really equipped to deal with the other's angst....though we tried. Sometimes we were explosive...not violence....but that crackling edge of lightening underneath it all. We were intensely political and were active on the left.

I dont know. Somewhere along the line having no money and living in a dying town that seemed to sap the will from all its inhabitants we just ......slipped into coping.

Its the strangest thing. For all the world its like I went to sleep for a handful of years....I probably did in fact *chuckles* I became a champion sleeper....now theres a surefire way to escape for a while.

We were so explosive when we met. It felt like rock and roll. Sid and Nancy. Bob and Sarah Dylan...I remember making the decision within months that I would fight for this til the day I die.....I would be the unconditional love. I would always always be there. Quite a shock then when I realised it was not what I wanted any more. Quite a shock when I realised I was in fact deeply unhappy....When the idea first struck I chased it away. It was anything and everything but the need to be single...That was not an acceptable solution. I had made my decison and would try to live with it.

What made it so hard was that I never stopped loving him. I just stopped wanting to be in a relationship with him. Even that wasnt as cut and dried as it sounds. I was in a state of such terrible confusion. I never want to feel such confusion again.

He I dont doubt was having his own time of questioning. We'd been one of those couples that had raging rows that led to one or the other turning up at a parent or friends house with a glum look....but that never actually felt like breaking up....not really. Such a thing in reality seemed almost inconceivable.It was as if the fact of our relationship hadbecome immutable even whilst we recognised that we were in crisis....we'd been in crisis so much of our time together.

I realise as i write this it all sounds terribly bleak......and it was....except for when it wasnt if that makes sense ;P there were times of great closeness. There were evenings just chilling and talking every subject under the sun. When the levels of stresss dropped below boiling we were each other's best friend. We started and ran a business together with my brother. We did many things together. We tried to make it work

The break up was less messy than one might expect after 12 years. We had no kids, it had never seemed the right time....we do share custody of a colliedog though *smiles* But even though we both tried desperately not to hurt the othr it isnt possible to come to terms with the fact your partner of many years no longer wants you a partner without some degree of pain.

The last few years together were a maelstrom of stress both from outside the relationship and within... oh the times I have plastered a brave face across that...All I wanted to do was stop breathing. Anything but deal with the conclusion that was starting to make itself felt. I havent felt so alone before or since. Such dualism in my thinking, such confusion I felt. And fear. In such a state I was, that I gave many a mixed signal and made many a preemptive strike....I made it messier than it needed ti be at times.....and at other times I did the right thing. I suspect in roughly equal proportions.

So...here I am....alone....on the wrong side of 30 wondering what happened to the 18 yr old hippy chick with a passion for history and a fiery temper. I used to wonder that when I was still in the relationship and it would make me feel cold....Now I feel sad but content. This is what I have wanted for last few years. I have spent somany hours daydreaming of this solitude...now I have it and I find I do not guard my time so jealously...I dont sleep as much, I read more. And my ex? Is still my best friend. After all I helped him grow into the man he is just as he helped me become the woman I am.

The most disconcerting thing now for me, is that I cannot imagine ever wanting to give up my single life and have no real desire to launch into any relaionships.....almost two years it all still feels like it just happened.....I am still revelling in my independance and space. I have a nagging fear that I will get to the age of 60 and then think.....shit..I should have gone for it. Fear of fear.....great, another circular thought pattern:P

There.....thats how today's me characterises the breakup.....ask me another day it would probably change some. Impssible to really capture a process involving more than one person and several years in such a way.....

Incidentally....I am back to my historical studies and redicovering my self in a way only someone who has been through such a lifechanging experience can do....Whilst my ex is currently involved in a love triangle about which I tease him mercilessly ;P

((I cant believe how long this post turned out to be....sorry..:p

DanaC,

All I can say is "Damn."

That close to what I see in my own relationship. Expect, I wanted to make it work. I didn't want to give up. But sometimes, I guess you have to.

We had a saying, "If it's easy, it isn't worth it." Well, this isn't easy for me. Either way, I would have had work to do, so I will triump through this.

It's good that you two were able to stay best friends. She was my best friend and it's killing me to lose her. I don't think we will stay in touch. It still kills me to talk to her and she's never been the type to stay in touch with anybody. I'm sure that it will be the end.

Solitude....I hope I can deal with it for now. But I do want a relationship, just not for a while. I have to heal.

Thanks for your story. I hope that I can be as tough as I imagine you are.

Anybody else??????

I'd love to tell you my story, Homer. Unfortunately I can't, because I sold the rights to Warner Brothers. They're going to do a feature length movie. I will be played by Wylie Coyote.:haha:

Damnit, I should have thought of that. But then again, I think she gets the rights to the story in the divorce too.

Part of the division of those particular spoils requires that you each get your own version, neither of which particularly resemble each other. Check your decree. You'll find I'm correct. ;)

Hey man, glad you're still checking in, positive or negative.

I signed the final papers the other day, I'm 6-7 months out and for me life is so much better that I really wish it had happened sooner. Hope your situation works out equally well or even better.

Congratulations, UT. Are you going to have a party?

Oh I ain't hijacking HJ's thread.

We don't take kindly to that kind of thing 'round here.

and would Sharon be invited to it?

Gleefully posted by UT Glad to hear it.

Hindsight is 20/20. At least you're still young enough to "start over."

I think I signed the last of the papers yesterday. It was hard to let go. It's going to take me a long time to get over this and even then I doubt I'll ever be over it. My divorce should be final on June 18.

My question is (and nobody has to answer this, it's more or less to myself) what do I do now?

I'm free to make my own decisions because what I do only affect me. I just don't know what I want. I thought I had it and I lost it.

Just me babbling.

whatever you want to....scary, huh?

Scary???? I don't know. Yeah it's kind of scary and kind of relieving at the same time.

I think it might have been somebody here who said, if something seems overwhelming to you - just ignore it.

Once I started to make my own decisions, I found it to be great. I remember I started with the front of the refrigerator. Off with all the shit I never would have put up there. Left with the basics, it was suddenly my fridge again.

My bowls to eat out of.

My candles to light up.

My bass rig right in the fucking living room, taking up all kinds of space -- YAH! She would have HATED it! We would have had the biggest fight in the world over putting it there! I never would have put it there, just to avoid that fight! And yet THERE IT IS!

You'll figure it out. Best piece of advice I have seen on this thread was not to make any major decisions whilst your emotions are in a heightened state.

Find some distractions ....Put one foot in front o fthe other adn indulge yourself a little. Some people get fit....go running, hit the gym.....Others read obsessively, some start playing instruments they set aside years before. It almost doesnt matter what distraction you choose ( unless of course you choose heroine and whiskey thats never good ;P) because its just a way of getting from here to then. Then being that time when you realise you are through the worst. It's a good feeling when that happens though it is tempered with sadness and takes a while to feel solid.....it comes out of the blue after you've done something on auto pilot and realised you are becoming your self again ....life starts to feel normal and unstrained.

Originally posted by homerjackson Oh....let's see. Fart at will. Burp at will. Listen to your favorite music - loudly. Walk around in yer undershorts. Drink from the milk carton. Join a gym and actually go. Take a whiz without raising or lowering the seat. Don't cut the grass till you are good 'n ready. Watch old football games on ESPN Classic. Get a dog. Rent guy movies. Go to Outback and order a huge steak and eat it at the bar while the NBA playoffs are on TV. Flirt - not seriously but just to get a smile. Lastly, be pleased with yourself.

Get the idea? :)