Lighting the bulb of brilliance
 

I just found out today that I don't much like most of my family. And I don't much care. But some of my perceptions got shot down like wet dogs off a submarine. Very eye opening, BUT a real downer.

My sister is basically an evil bitch, she treats me OK but nobody else.

My nieces (beloved niece) mother in law is an evil bitch, she was 20 years ago and is worse today.

A whole bunch of my sisters in law are evil bitches. I'm now the only one of few in 2 families that are in their only marriage.

One of my nephews beats his wife, badly too from what I hear. I'm thinking about beating his ass at Easter.

A whole bunch of my brothers in law are just pretty much just dumb assholes. And the 2 who aren't are almost insane.

Now I inherited most of this fucked up family, but got a few of my own blood in that mess as well.

I myself had WONDERFUL grandparents, a very good man (with alot of problems, mostly alcoholism) for a father, a very strict but very good man for a stepfather, and a pretty good mom. Some of the outlaw side of my family have become such good people that it almost brings me to tears when I think about them.

So, I'm feeling down and created this thread so some of you more well adjusted types can funnel your positive energy to me.

p.s. I'm good myself, I'm a bit of a dumbass at times but am a decent, kind, everyday kind of guy that I think does more good than harm.

You don't have to answer for anyone but yourself five eight. Keep looking for the good in these people but don't get caught up in their machinations. Nothing but positive vibes.

mmmmm....... machinations

As with any group of people you know, you start with 70% asshole to non asshole ratio. So it doesn;t sound like you're too far from the norm. You don't have to like it though. Just act like a bigger asshat than they do. Maybe you can scare some of them away. If you're not going to beat your nephew up, you could at least broach the subject......" So, Nephew, When are you going to stop beating your wife?" real casual like.....

That'll earn her a fresh one for sure!

Just start telling them what you think of them. Criticize them openly. sew dissent among them. Do things like......When you are talking to someone, and somebody else walks up, look at them and say, " Here he is now, why don;t you say it to his face?"...and walk away. That works best if there is already some distrust or friction between your victims. Fuck with them, blue, take em apart. and dont bother covering your tracks. At least you can have some fun manipulating them.

Yah, the wife beater is a special case. If your information is good, you're gonna want to do something there.

I think its pretty common to not like large parts of your family. When I was younger I liked everyone in my family, but as I get older I find I have less and less tolerance for many of them and their bull shit. There are several of them I try and have little to no contact with.
When Alan and I got married I didn't want to invite one of my sisters to the wedding as frankly I am way over having to deal with her. There are always going to be people you hate, and unfortunately some times, those people are part of your family.

Re: Lighting the bulb of brilliance
 

Should you really wish to deal with them, then best to associate more one-on-one. Spend less time with the entire group. Dynamics inside a large group can complicate individual relationships. Right now, you must simplify everything - should you wish to resolve anything.

hey, blue......what the fuck does this topc have to do with it's title?

Thanks guys, I'm trying to get in touch with my gentler side.

I made a few posts the last couple of days that were definately on my jerk side.

I need to make a vow or something so I stop posting when drunk or pissed.

I still don't like my family, but feel bettar about cellerulites in general.

Oh, sorry Jim, I was gonna explain that.

well, make sure you wear gloves!

I agree with tw. There's nothing worse than having to deal with the family when its a bunch of them against one of you. "Mano a mano" is always best. Sometimes you may need allies. Even one is better than none. My family, gathered together, used to drive me to drink. This was bad since they were all tee-totaling Southern Baptists. I almost subsided into solitary alcoholic despair. Then one night I discovered my cousin Sheila up in her room with a bottle of Jack Daniels of her own. We sat in her room and passed the bottle back and forth and exchanged family horror stories 'till dawn. Me and Sheila. Yeah. Neither of us ever went to a family reunion again. We were free.

FWIW, *everyone's* family is composed of some proportion of jerks, assholes, evil bitches, drunks, loonies and just plain folk. Hell, my upstanding Christian, Deacon of the Church, pillar of the community father in law used to beat the shit out of my wife and her brothers...like, beatings that would get him thrown in jail nowadays. Good thing they don't know that at the county sherrif's office where he is a dispatcher.

My maternal grandparents were battling drunkards, my paternal grandparents gave my father up for adoption, but kept their other kids...when he was six. So he was a drunk who couldn't hold a job, but always dreamed of making the big killing in business. He's now bankrupt and living in a mobile home on the banks of the Sacramento River. My stepfather and his brothers sexually abused my half sister (which we didn't find out about until she was about 16 and he was long gone down the road), my mom had an affair with a married man when I was 10, one of my maternal aunts divorced her first husband, married another guy for 20 years, then divorced him and remarried the first one.

All this to say that there is nothing wrong with you...nothing that the rest of us don't deal with in our history, in our genetics and in those dark places in our minds that we are afraid to peer into.

A word of caution, though...boozing to excess is bad. I know, I did it for 25 years. I promise you, with all due love and respect, that it is bad if you do it too much.

So be good to yourself, man. And remember that you have another sort of family right here.

We're fucked up too, BTW.

Suggestion. Move away. Far. Nothing cures family bullshit like miles.

You didn't say one way or the other but I'm hoping that your spouse doesn't put you in the middle of any of that or that you don't get drawn into it.

As far as nephew beating his wife, don't confront the guy - he'll just beat her more under the pretense that she told someone he was beating her. She needs the courage to leave him and stay left - focus your effort there - others feel free to disagree, amend or append this advice. All I know is that confrontation just makes it worse for the victim. However tempting it might be, it's not the answer.

Good luck and, if nothing else, just take some satisfaction that your relationship and present/future family is not as afflicted. Given the environment I grew up in I decided long ago that if I accomplished nothing else with my life, I would at least break the chain of violence in my family tree. I take much personal pride in having done that.

Tending your own garden well is the ultimate response.

Changing your phone number and unlisting it is cheaper.

Of course, there's always the chance that one of the few relatives you like will provide your contact information to the relatives you don't.

Sometimes the more persistant idiots will "drop by."

Shotgun pellets that miss but they feel pass through their hair tend to underline the point that this is not welcome.

The warning that the second barrel will be right online is usually unnecessary.

I can very much relate to the "lightbulb" feeling. It's like you don't like them OR dislike them, they're just your family, and you never think about it until long after you've been capable of adequately judging whether you like a person or not.

I had a similar revelation about my grandmother: thought she was just this sweet, nice but boring old woman. One day my mother was telling me about some conversation they'd had, and quoted a VERY nasty comment my grandmother had made to her. When I expressed shock, she was surprised, said grandma had always been that way, how did I ever miss it? She told me more, some things I'd even been present for--and indeed, I couldn't believe I'd never realized it.

But on the other hand (and side of the family), when I was about 15 I learned that I had 4 cousins that I didn't even know about, and because we were pretty much all that was left of (that side of) the family my dad decided we needed to band together, so we all flew in from our respective states and met. It was an amazing week, and though we're still really far apart and have only physically reunited all together once since then, we've kept constant contact over the internet. All of us have since admitted that we never expected how compatible we'd all be, and it was just one of the most uplifting and cool get-togethers we've ever been a part of.

So yeah, having a lightbulb go off about a family member can be pretty damn disturbing. But every family's got 'em, and maybe when you least expect it you'll discover a relative you never knew about who'll turn out to be your new closest friend. Don't let a few assholes make you write off the whole category of "family."

I'm with Beastie, stay out of their lives and do your best to keep them out of yours.

:thumb: Beestie! Good for you!

For me, it's just the "plain folk". No drama in my family, but I don't like the fact that some members think that talking about problems is like "voluteering information" (which to certain degrees, it is, but when you need to know information, like the family history of illnesses, or something serious, somebody better start talkin'!). They tend to be vague about stuff...almost like they are keeping a secret or something, which drives me batty sometimes!

And living far away helps. In my family, once you leave the general vicinity, you're almost forgotten about. Not good, but not all together bad either. ;)

No shit, thats how it was for me as well. I was living in a different state when my older sister got pregnant with her first child. About 3 months into the pregnancy my step mom told me about Autumn being pregnant. Nearly 8 months go by and I realize she must have had that kid by now so in a phone conversation I ask my step mom "Did Autumn have her baby? What sex was it?". Her response "Didn't anyone tell you? She had a girl, about 3 months ago". Nice, thanks for letting me know. I wasn't around and so it wasn't worth telling me about. Happened all the time. Even now with living close to them I am often the last person to hear about things, I guess the old habits still die hard.

What exactly does one do about a wife-beater? If the wife isn't ready to leave... must be some resource out there for strategy.

this is a touchy subject.

in some cases, the wife is just as responsible for her beatings as the husband is
[ducks]
they egg him on until he loses control and hits her.....the wife wins, but she takes a beating.

not much you CAN do from outside. unless you are willing to keep the guy in a body cast until she wises up and leaves forever.

kids, as with most marital problems, complicate things a thousandfold.

what's that situation in this case, blue...if you don;t mind sharing, that is.

LJ, you neanderthal ...

Most of the time the wife doesn't "ask for it," or consider her single opportunity to mouth off before she loses teeth and has her nose broken again any kind of a victory.

(your comment is of the couch-sleeping variety, you know. Jinx, what you do with him is up to you.)

People who either haven't had it happen to them, or worked with women (and men) who have been subjected to domestic violence often don't appreciate the complexity of the whole situation.

A lot does rely on the abused wanting to do something to change that. If they do there are a lot of resources for abused women, very few for abused men.

Calling the police is a start.

Calling a counsellor can help further.

Sometimes the counselling has to be first, because leaving an abusive situation is sometimes not as straightforward a decision as you would think it should be.

i did say SOME times, wolf.

take pam anderson and tommy lee. she admitted to it on howard stern....so there.....go sleep on your own couch!
:p

Originally posted by lumberjim Ahem, may I (re)direct your attention to the title of this thread. :3eye:

ok, so blue58 will have ANOTHER thread hijacked beyond all hope.

Are you saying that this provocation phenomenon does not happen? I say that it does. it may not be the NORM, but i bet it happens more than you or I know.

Nooooo. I was poking fun at your example. Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee being more towards the Beevis and Butthead bulb wattage than the brilliance blue58 was talking about!

But, getting back to the point, its very uncomfortable territory when discussing how the victim of violence is somehow partly responsible for it even if there is merit to establishing a degree of provocation.

Many people who really do deserve to be handled violently aren't so I'm not sure how I'm supposed to dole out this implicit and selective partial "justice" that you are suggesting exists.

I end up using the perfect stranger analysis. If "you" wouldn't have shattered the eye socket of a perfect stranger who did what your wife did when you hit her then your wife probably didn't deserve it either. "You" is obviously a pronoun of convenience here.

Blue58, assuming that she doesn't want to leave him, which is very often the case, there's a program in my city that gets these women free cellphones, so they can call 911 if he ever gets "really" out of hand or she's afraid for her life. Putting it in their hands to determine when he's "crossed the line" is a big mental step forward for them, and helps in the long run, without usually inciting further beating because it's just a cellphone.

You could try getting her one, and telling her it's for that express purpose. It also puts you "on her side" in her eyes, not just another person telling her to leave him (which she's probably not ready to hear)--which may mean eventually if you do try telling her to leave him she might listen to you.

I had to read this several times and take a few breaths before responding. It's just that domestic violence issues is a touchy subject with me, because I had to bring two good friends through abusive situations. Also, during grand jury duty in 1996, I had to hear a 911 tape of a woman getting the living daylights out of her with an aluminum bat by her husband (with their 5 year old son howling in the background). You never forget the sound of a blunt object hitting flesh and bone and hearing the victim literally crying for mercy, and a small helpless boy crying for daddy to stop. :( Based on this, my opinion is that nothing a woman can do justifies a man beating her to death. I guess I'd need to know what your definition of "egging him on" is, because I don't care if she's calling him the spawn of Satan, he needs to learn some self-control and anger management, if he feels the need to beat a woman down just because he doesn't like what she's saying. :mad:

Quote:

not much you CAN do from outside. unless you are willing to keep the guy in a body cast until she wises up and leaves forever.

Well, again, based on personal experience, you *can* do small things that hopefully will add up to the woman having a light bulb moment, and leaving the jerk. :rar:

let me clarify.

I in no way condone hitting anyone in anger. Especially your dependants or your life partner. What I was saying was that in SOME cases, the woman ( or the man if it happens to be reversed) can purposefully instigate the abuser into losing control, because they enjoy some control for a short time afterward. This because of the guilt that the abuser feels toward what they have done.

I agree with LJ. I've seen it more than once. I've even had a woman tell me it was worth getting slapped around a little in order to get a new car.
Nothing?

Is that what you're doing here? Stirring the shit so folks get cheesed at ya? Because I'm willing to bet that more than a few of the women would be more than happy to slap some sense into you.

I'm willing to bet that more than a few of the women would be more than happy to slap some sense into you.

But he would enjoy it !!!!!!!


Seriously though , the way i was raised was to NEVER hit a woman !! I have only broken this once in my life on purpose ,
when a girl in the PI was chaseing me down the street with a
6" butterfly knife with death in her eyes , I put on the brakes and cloth linded her in the face , then ran off like a scared little kid .
When i made my weekly phone call home i asked my mom about this , she didn't have a problem with it , "you were defending your self "


Rember this Blue , you can pick your friends , but not your family . I have found this to be true again and again . I have helped a certin member of my family SO much ( beat the crap out of an abuseive husband , helped move , alliby , cash for grocerys to feed her kids ( yea right !!! it went right up her nose or arm ) that aftre a while i started to see the word SUCKER appear on my forhead . I won't get in to the detailes about the last straw , but i can only be told to "FUCK OFF , AND STAY OUT OF MY AFFAIRS " so many times befor i do just that , let her live in the cess pool of a life she has created for her self .

I do feel bad for her kids though , but they are just the same as her .

Well then, that woman has issues that have not been addressed. That makes no godddamn sense to me whatsoever. :eek:

Quote:

Nothing?

Nope. Why do you ask?

stir shit? moi?

you should know better, dagney. And as far as cheesed females go.... if you feel froggy, then leap!

Do not tempt her, lj. Violence against women is a hot-button topic for her.

Nah, never was much good at games of leap frog. I will make this comment, however. For every woman who might deliberately incite a man to wrath, there's a guy who will become physically abusive at the smallest provocation (or nonprovocation). This type will holler, "She MADE me do it!" This is the equivalent of complaining, "The devil made me do it." Physical abuse by ANYBODY, man or woman, serves no constructive end.

Of course it doesn't. But that statement doesn't address the question of whether women are always just the innocent victim, or if they are sometimes a willing participant in a fucked up relationship. Trying to help the latter usually backfires when you assume they are the former.