You're All Fucked in the Head!
 

...but who isn't? I know I've got my issues, some of them serious. I've seen immense spillings of depression and life stories on this board and the 'net in general and, in all, I think it is a bit of a good thing. It always feels good to get stuff off your chest. So, here's to mental issues!

What are the issues in my head? I went through some depression mixed with anxiety, but I was able to get through it. It was not fun times and, for awhile, I was quite sure I needed to see someone about it, as an unusual fear of death became a little too overwhelming at times. While I never went to see a shrink concerning my days in the dumps, I did see a cardiologist about my heart pounding all the time and the occasional skipped beat. He kicked me out, told me to not come back, and to find something that made me happy and take my mind off of work. I elected to not go the way of drugs and I think it was a wise decision -- too many people, I know, are on various doctor issued drugs for their problems and I've seen a lot of people changed for the worse because of it. Many of them lost their creativity and interest in having fun when they started taking pills for ADD/depression/etc. They were very much changed people, almost as much as someone who had become addicted to illegal drugs.

Insurance companies, by the way, are real assholes when it comes to dealing with all of the above issues.

My other issue is one that made my childhood days really difficult -- I had a hard time explaining to teachers and other students various things concerning math, numbers, and music. The problem was bad enough that I was nearly held because because of my inability to concentrate and comprehend. It wasn't until years later that I began reading about synethsia, a disease in which the pathways in the brain cause senses to be confused or crossed, that I found parallels and an explanation for what I was experiencing that no one else seemed to understand. I associate numbers and letters with specific colors (2 is blue, 3 is yellow, 4 is green, 5 is a deep red, etc) and if numbers or letters are presented in colors other than what I know it becomes very distracting, almost unpleasant. Flashing lights have sounds depending on the color, the rate at which they blink, how fast they fade on or off, etc and, inversely, music has shapes and almost tangible features when I listen to it or remember it. When in the 2nd grade, my class was asked to close our eyes and listen to a ballet piece played on a tape player and then describe what we saw. The usual answer was that students "saw people dancing", while I got disturbed looks from the teacher when I described a landscape with twists and turns, mountains, spirialing staircases, and the texture and color of the grass on the hills.

"Cool! You have LSD trips all the time!"
"Not quite."

So, you think you got problems? I think everyone does!

Can I join in the fun or do we have to take tickets before we can let it all out?

Can I join in the fun or do we have to take tickets before we can let it all out?

Tickets? Unimportant. Just spew.

it's always good to know you're not alone..here's to mental issues, kitsune...so, what do you do for a living and have your unique senses had an impact on it?

what do you do for a living and have your unique senses had an impact on it?

What I do for a living is the primary cause of issue #1 -- the anxiety. Carrying a pager around and having it go off at all hours of the day and night was bad, while the calls and problems that the pages led to were horrible. There were nights sleep didn't happen because I was getting paged so often to log in and handle technical problems. Very shortly after taking the job, I began admiring people that worked jobs that ended after a certain hour of the day. So while you might not enjoy waiting tables, your work is over with once you are off shift. Mine didn't stop and it soon became some kind of rule or bad luck that the moment I tried going to sleep would be cause for the pager to go off.

"PLEASE JOIN BRIDGE. CLUSTER DOWN. EMERGENCY", it would usually read, which was enough to get my heart going, knowing that some director or VP had also been woken from their sleep and paged to the call because of the severity of the issue. After awhile, sleep wasn't possible, so I didn't. I was unable to relax. It was then that I developed something that used to be called "soldier's heart" because palpitations, skipped beats, and feeling your heart beat all the time were usually seen in people that had been in combat situations and were stressed out because of it.

The synethsia was only an issue when I was really young. After awhile I learned to simply keep my mouth shut about it.

that would drive me insane...are you still working there? and if so, what has helped you to overcome the anxiety?

that would drive me insane...are you still working there? and if so, what has helped you to overcome the anxiety?

First, I stopped taking the job so seriously. I realized that if a server was down or something wasn't operating correctly that people were not dieing and the world was not ending, despite the way in which some of the directors would hype up the problem on the call.

Another change I made was to find something to do during the times I wasn't on pager duty, at work, or when I wasn't on a problem call. Once I found something to do that allowed for quiet time, I stopped becoming so freaked out when the pager did go off. Photography and sketching became very enjoyable ways to pass the "dead time", even during the strangest hours of the morning. Campus police came to know me and would check up on me as I roamed around with my tripod. The first stop was for suspicious activity, after they found out what I was doing with a camera at 2:30am, they would just wave or drop by to see what images I had collected over the night. Some of them even gave suggestions for good subjects and ideas.

The third thing was to not grab the phone the moment the pager went off. Pager beeping again? No rush -- finish some more of the sketch or shoot, then join the problem call when an opportunity came along.

Lastly, and the most important item, was that I learned to laugh at problems at work, even when they were my screw-ups. To this day, anything that seriously blows up or becomes a huge issue I treat as a funny story to tell others in the future. What if the problem was one I caused and got in trouble for? That makes for an even better story. I quickly found that if you treated a problem as you would if you were looking back on it, the problem became insignificant.

And that is the way they should all be.

GREAT advice.

(is that how you spell great? Looks wierd to me ...)
:confused:

Synethsia....you know, that sounds like it would be interesting. I can see how it would cause problems, but damn, it would be cool, too.

Kitsune, I have to commend you for your ability to adapt ... finding a balance between your experience of the world and an interpretation of it that allows you to remain functional is nothing short of amazing. How it works is far less important than the fact that it does.

One of the things that I do appreciate about my job is that once the day is over, and I'm out of the building ... it's done. Paperwork does not follow me home, neither (hopefully) do patients. I do occasionally take "on call" as well ... luckily not as anxiety provoking as what you've had to do, essentially I just give a thumbs up or thumbs down to commitment petitions filed by families when a commitment officer is not available in the building. I do occasionally end up with consults regarding royally screwed up cases, but more often than not it's just like handling them in the building, with someone else following my instructions — I don't have to go in or get my hands dirty.

finding a balance between your experience of the world and an interpretation of it that allows you to remain functional is nothing short of amazing. How it works is far less important than the fact that it does.

I really didn't have to adapt to anything, there's just a little bit extra going on in my head when there isn't supposed to be and it doesn't intrude into my life. What I experience from it is mild -- I've read that others actually see the letters and numbers they read in the colors they associate them with and sometimes it interferes with peoples' lives. My issues only made my teachers and parents look at me funny because as a child I described the world to them exactly in how I perceived it. Its not that distorted of a world -- there appear to be just a couple more ways for me to describe it.

I guess my "strong" crossing is audio/visual, and it isn't so bad. I don't notice it in daily life except for when I see flashing lights. The yellow lights on traffic signals that flash at intersections at night? They have a dull, low, fading tone as they come and go. Strobes have a higher frequency and often chirp or "bip" depending on their color. Watching a field of antenna towers all blinking out of synch can be kinda weird, sometimes. Music operates the other way and has textures and features to it that can sometimes be felt.

A lot of what is reported parallels accounts of acid trips. Some people "taste" music, which leaves me to wonder: does rap music taste as bad as it sounds?

0 1 2 3 (should be yellow, but it isn't an option in the menu!) 4 5 6 7 8 9 (lighter yellow than 3)

We ARE all fucked in the head. My personal demon is anxiety, which I have said elsewhere on the board, is controlled really well with a sub-therapeutic dose of the SSRIs.

I forget if I mentioned it, but my ex's psychiatrist swears up and down that almost all the psych docs are on SSRIs. These drugs aren't supposed to do anything for people who are "normal"... but for some time now they've been "tweaking" with responses of thse drugs. So tweaky now that, say, if you want to get your head fix and gain weight, they have a combo that will do that for you... just as they do to get your head fix and LOSE weight.

They're really figuring out the brain now and we should all make an effort to stay alive to see what they come up with... could be pretty damn cool.

I forget if I mentioned it, but my ex's psychiatrist swears up and down that almost all the psych docs are on SSRIs. These drugs aren't supposed to do anything for people who are "normal"... but for some time now they've been "tweaking" with responses of thse drugs.

Very interesting!

I strongly considered pills for my anxiety, but switching insurance providers in the middle of all of this (I was forced to due to change of jobs) landed me with a big fat rider on my insurance agreement that essentially excludes them from covering me for anything depresion/neurological disease/nervous system disorder-related. Its such a wide statement that I could probably break a toe and they could come up with a reason to not pay for it.

The phone interview for the new insurance contract started at the top of my head and went all the way to my feet and they asked me about everything inbetween. When I told them I visited a cardiologist and was diagnosed as physically healthy, they were pleased. I passed my stress test, ultrasound, etc, and so they have no problem insuring me for heart problems. But I was forced to explain why I ended up at the cardiologist in the first place. Damn.

I ended up taking some samples of a Beta Blocker, which proved enough to get my heart calm. When the heart would calm down, I would calm down, and the vicious cycle would slow down.

Re: You're All Fucked in the Head!
 

dude. 6 is yellow.

it has always been yellow. Do you flip words, too? In my head, as i was typing "6 is yellow"...i kept trying to say "yellow is six".

I always thought that it was a mapping thing. Like information erosion. If you make a mental mistep like retrieving the information for "6" when you meant to get "yellow", the chemo-electrical current or whatever it is that carries the infomation, carves a groove or leaves a trail. This trail serves as a sort of "lubricant" for the next time you send for the information regarding "6", making it more likely that you make the same mistake again. This is a self perpetuating mistake that results in an association between those two things, "6 & yellow"

The more you hear "6" and "yellow" said together, the stronger the association, and one day you commonly juxstapose those two words.






so. Clear your mind.






no, you, the one reading this. clear your head.







now, what color is 6?








I had to erase " what color is yellow"



Also, somehow, when I go t say "red", I always want to say "yellow", too. What the fuck? i just realized I'm nuts.

What's with yellow? It never really bothers me, i just have to stop, and go, " no goddamnit, I ment to say "red". I flip the words "rebate" and "warranty" occaisionally at work, too.

i sympathise with this, i grew up with a dad who stutters. its terrible to watch... my heart bleeds. he is very smart and he knows what he means to say in his head, but he just cant get it out there.

Scary thing is he says it didnt start till his mid 20's and i am nearing 21 and i find myself occasionaly struggling with some words. .. . uh oh!

Ok, from tonight's top ten list, " Top Ten Things NOT to Say When Someone Tells You About Their Mental Problems"

ok. heeeeeere we go. Nuuuuuumber one. Paul, it's the # 1 Thing NOT to Say When Someone Tells You About Their Mental Problems






Ok, let's see what's in the viewer mail bag

The other would be "wow, you are really crazy."

Another bad alternative:

"Your life really does suck. Are you calling the suicide hotline for suggestions on more effective ways to kill yourself?"

dude. 6 is yellow. it has always been yellow.

No, it's black. It has always been black. Evens are blues and greens, odds are yellows and reds.

But some numbers are "uncomfortable" because they don't make any sense in this scheme. 133 is a very bright yellow color, but 147 doesn't make any sense -- its all muddy.

I was much more apt to remember the number of the hotel room I was staying in by colors than by numbers. When did I always forget the room number? When it was something like 358. (another number with colors that don't make sense!)

Our backup tapes at work have colored letters and numbers on the labels for easier identification. The problem is that they've got the colors and numbers all "mixed up", (3 is not orange!) so when I try to find a tape I usually can't -- my eyes will pass right over the exact one I'm looking for in the shelves as everything is just too "noisy". This is the only time I've ever found this oddity of mine to get in the way of things.

We're learning but we do have a very long way to go. We only know an estimated 1/6 of the neurotransmitters. The drugs may impact the unknown ones with unpredictable results. Some folks are being helped, but we are just tinkering at this point.

"Brain-Based Learning" is the edu-fad of the week, as if learning wasn't always brain-based. They are using brain imaging to try to figure out what a brain should look like when doing a particular task, it has a lot of potential but brain science is still very primitive.

I work with enamels - glass fired onto metal. The enamels come from the various manufacturers with numbers identifying them as well as words. When I began using them I was told that the numbers were a better way of identifying them and would not change. So I remember them all by numbers.

And I can tell you that 147 is an opaque gray that turns transparent when fired at a higher temperature, while 358 is a beautiful opaque blue. Cornflower is its word identifier.

A fellow enamelist's wife says that when enamelists get together they all talk about numbers, exclaiming about the wonders produced by 122 or how 676 is rare and desirable.

So I can fully understand this whole concept though it was a learned thing for me. And no help from acid - excpet to clean the metal.

Someone has to mention the classic joke about the prisioners that were in jail so long they had memorized a jokebook completely and would quote the jokes by number.

Okay, I mentioned the joke.

This is a fascinating thread. I have some mild problems like what you describe but not anywhere near as severe. I have trouble reading text on paper - it flashes with little stobes making it very difficult to concentrate - it takes me quite a while to get through a page because I keep having to start over. I had horrible problems in school with any class that required reading but slept walked through all the math classes. Consequently, I work with numbers and code snippets - a perfect solution for me.

But one thing I like about it is that about 20% or so of the sensory stimulation I get from music comes in through my visual perception. Your 2nd grade story about "what you saw when you listened to the music" hit home in a big way. When I want a really cool rush, I listen to music through the headphones with all the lights off. The music becomes an abstract landscape with a beauty that is really indescribable.

And being vaguely aware of the synesthesic qualities of most hallucinogenic drugs, I have resisted the urge to try them out of fear that what is now a bit of an anomoly that I can live with and even make the most of might become an elephant in the living room.

I have trouble reading text on paper - it flashes with little stobes making it very difficult to concentrate - it takes me quite a while to get through a page because I keep having to start over.

Are the flashes centered around the text or in the entire field of view? Do the flashes only happen while reading, focusing on things up close, or at other times as well?

When I want a really cool rush, I listen to music through the headphones with all the lights off. The music becomes an abstract landscape with a beauty that is really indescribable.

I was never sure if what happened when I listened to music was the product of an over active imagination or something else. Regardless, I really enjoy it. When I was young, I thought everyone listened to music the way I did -- music had a lot more meaning than just the lyrics and sometimes the meaning I saw wasn't at all about the words spoken. I will think of songs that I know are about specific places, things, events, shapes, and textures, yet I never found anyone else that saw these things. These days, however, I'm finding out that a lot of people who listen to trance music and go into euphoric-like states experience similar sensations. And yeah, most of them do it without the aid of chemical enchancers.

I'm not actually sure if what I have is synesthesia or not, as I've never been diagnosed or examined. I just know I get weird looks when I describe the sound of repeating GIF animations and blinking Christmas lights as "really annoying".

i sympathise with this, i grew up with a dad who stutters. its terrible to watch... my heart bleeds. he is very smart and he knows what he means to say in his head, but he just cant get it out there.

Sun_Sparkz -- Stuttering is a very difficult disease and I'm sorry to hear that your father must endure it. Has he had much treatment or analysis? They can do really wonderful things these days to assist with speech and I know it is something you will want to look at if you fear you are also starting to experience the same symptoms.

I get that occasionally but I usually blame light conditions or exhaustion... interesting.

Only when reading and only in the text itself but the entire page - sometimes right where I'm looking but never off the page.
Yup - not quite euphoric, though - I think my symptoms are mild relative to the average of those with this "affliction." And I love trance for that exact reason but the most intense music for this (for me) is old Black Sabbath - I can actually see Iommi's riffs and they are spectacular. I keep 9 CDs in my car - five Black Sabbath CDs and four rotating Trance/Industrial CDs.

You might actually want to get your retina checked out. Just to be sure.

Beestie, I've seen kids use colored plastic sheets to get relief from similiar problems.

That's not a bad idea. Now that you mention it, maybe I'll try reading with sunglasses (colored, not tinted - Oakleys) to see if that helps. Also, I'll pick up some yellow acetate and lay that on top of the page to see if that does anything.

I've had my eyes checked out pretty regularly for basic vision issues (my eyesight - 20-20 since forever) is starting to deteriorate ("well, you are 40 years old now" - thx, doc. ). The optometrist hasn't said anything so I guess my retinas are ok but I will ask specifically next time.

Thanks for the ideas!

Just another thought, my annual migraine starts with //// (not sure what these symbols are actually called) but strobe flashing in the most brilliant of colours and they dance in circles. If it wasn't for the nature of the headache they portend I might enjoy the experience more. While on the colour thing, does anyone else believe Wednesday is bottle green and Thursday pale grey?

The optometrist hasn't said anything so I guess my retinas are ok but I will ask specifically next time.

The time you seriously have to worry about your retinas is if you begin to notice a "dark curtain" beginning at the bottom of your vision -- this means the top portion of your retina is beginning to detach and it usually starts with flashes of light. (although the vitreous humour also causes flashes when it detaches and this happens to everyone ~40 years of age)

My father's retinas began to detach and he was able to get it corrected, but it had to be done within 24 hours or else he would have had irreversible vision loss. It is remedied by simple laser sugery used to tack it back onto the back of the eye. The one funny moment in the whole thing was when the doctor was preparing a needle with a solution to numb the process. When my father eyed the needle and asked where the doctor was going to stick it, the answer was "where do you think?"

So dad went through the entire ordeal without pain killers. I could hear him venting his frustration in the form of cursing after each laser pop from all the way down the hall.

no, but Wednesday is Royal Blue...

Luvaduck Lumberjim!!! The Royal Blue you see is attached to late Friday night, and nothing to do with actual darkness. Friday night just is Royal Blue, an understandable mistake. I was just wondering exactly where this coloured neon strobing/flashing originates, and what are the stimulants/triggers if that makes sense. Beestie described something very similar and Griff too. This being Wednesday evening the light outside is fading through saltladen rain and we are deep dark bottle greened to match the seaweed on the rocks outside. Yo ho ho!! 18.05 GMT, emerald day.

This being Wednesday evening the light outside is fading through saltladen rain and we are deep dark bottle greened to match the seaweed on the rocks outside.

Whoa -- I want to be where CzinZumerzet is! Sounds nice!

Damn, I picked a bad week to not lurk here. Busy at work, ya know.

To me, the most annoying sound in the world is a TV screen displaying the color blue. I can hear the electrons screaming.

And I always look at the clock at 11:37. I just don't know why - I used to think it was because I was destined to die at 11:37, but I think I've just set my internal clock to be aware of that time, now.

This place is neurosis central. I love it.

what does everyone know about 11:11?

To me, the most annoying sound in the world is a TV screen displaying the color blue. I can hear the electrons screaming.

When I was young, my hearing used to be good enough to hear the oscillator in CRTs. When a television was beginning to get old, they'd start a really high picthed whine that'd drive me nuts.

The solution was simple: damage my hearing enough over the years that it didn't bug me, anymore.

what does everyone know about 11:11?

11:11

This means Mr. Noodle is twenty-six minutes late.

This is as disturbing as people that think that they have the ability to extinguish street lights with their presence.

For quite a while I always looked at the clock at 11:34. To make it spookier, that number is "hell" upside down on a digital display. Even spookier:

666
+666
- 66
- 66
- 66
----
1134

Of course, when I was doing this, I ignored all of the times I glanced at the clock at 11:32 and 11:33. I also have a pretty good internal clock - I don't use an alarm unless I have to wake up before 6.