need advice really really bad
 

i met my husband march 30 2003
we moved in together in April 2003because it was convenient for us both. we slept together, said i love you, etc.
by september, 2003 we were married.
my husband is from russia. he is 23, i am 27. we had a whirlwind romance. he was so romantic...i totally fell in love with him. please keep these facts in mind while you read the following e-mails he wrote to his ex-girlfriend who he dated about a month and lost his virginity to.
(the dates are important) please give me your honest opinion. he says now that he loves me and he is happy...





Forwarded Message [ Save to my Yahoo! Briefcase | Download File ]
Date: Tue, 22 Apr 2003 05:22:37 -0700 (PDT)
From: "eva

--- Jay Gatsby <peepshower@yahoo.com> wrote:
> Hi
> It's hard to write to you, Eva
> I ...
> I changed a lot.
> I am not anymore that boy that you knew.
> I am a man now. I run 2 businesses, live with my new
> girlfriend and building my life.
> I wish I could build it around you, but you had
> responsibilities and duties in front of your family
> and I respect it.
> I am working on my Green Card right now and MAYBE by
> the end of this year, who knows, I will get it.
> The only thing I am still thinking of is you. I wish
> you were here, by my side watching my success -
> hence
> I am doing it only for one reason - to speed up the
> time I will see you.
> I remember everything we had and that was the best
> time in my life so far...
> Take care, be nice girl which you are anyways.
> I will always love you.
> Sincerely, Arsen
> PS
> I don't know anything about Brazilians - I have
> different life now, I haven't seen them in a while
> PS#2
> I can't help you with the applications - I have
> helped
> around 20 guys already and all my sourses are
> exhausted. Next time ask me about that a little bit
> earlier...
> Bye.
>
>
> _______________________________________________Date: Wed, 26 Nov 2003 21:48:41 -0800 (PST)
From: "Arsen
Subject: Re: zdravstvuj
To:



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Hi eva.
Everything is fine, looking for a better job, getting
together with married life.
How are you?
If you need a contract from me, write me again with
empty contract form and your details, passport data,
address, phone, where to send the contract, do you
like sex and breast size. :-)))
No pictures now, i am in looking for a job mood. A
cold broken winter is ahead of Newport, RI!!!
Brazilians no live together no more, but i can contact
them.
No cell phone right now either, when i get one, you
will know first.
Address -
my data is in the bottom of the page, +

Say hi to
Ciao, Arsen
PS Its good to be married!!!
:-)
PS#2 Im online always.

PS#3
Behave

=====

Date: Tue, 13 May 2003 14:17:48 -0700 (PDT)
From: "arsen
Subject: Re: grupa dupa
To: "eva



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Hi, my love.
How is the South Korea?
I am worried about you because of the SARS that is
somewhere over the East - I can't get normal
information in here - you know.
I still here, in Newport, and its boring.
I saw Barbora the other day, and I will write you a
nice letter with her - you will get when you're back
in Slovakia.
Do you have a phone number in Korea?
It could be fun to chat with you when you are there.
Gruba Dupa Josie says hi - she is cool, she bought a
car and got fired from Benjamin's :-)))
Everything is still the same here - we just need
couple slovakian curvas in here....:-))
Write me back, with your phone number, we'll chat.
love, Arsen


Date: Sat, 24 May 2003 09:35:00 -0700 (PDT)
From: "arsen
Subject: I miss you
To: eva



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Hi.
How are you?
It's so boring in here... You can't imagine.
Listen, there is a possibility that I evade to Europr
this year.
I might get job in Holland - in Amsterdam, I know some
people over there and they want me to work for them.
I am not sure about the details, but I am thinking
about it.
The only thing I lack is - CITIZENSHIP!!! :0))))
And this is a momemnt where you can help.
If you still want to.
Eva, I will write you more details, in about a week.
Love you, Arsen



Date: Wed, 4 Jun 2003 21:49:20 -0700 (PDT)
From: "arsen
Subject: for my only one
To: "Eva



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I can't write right now - don't have time.
Please, do me a favor - tell me
when is your birthday and your full address in
Slovakia - I will explain everything later.
With love, Arsen

__________________________________

Date: Mon, 7 Jul 2003 19:30:20 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Arsen
Subject: Re: for my only one
To: Eva



Plain Text Attachment [ Download File | Save to my Yahoo! Briefcase ]

Hi Eva,
Miss you.
A lot of internationals but non of them compare to u,
kokotko....
Nothing compares 2 U, remember?
I will try to write more often, I promise.
Love you, Arsen



=====


Date: Thu, 10 Jul 2003 20:32:41 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Arsen
Subject: Re: for my only one
To: "eva klimcikova"



Plain Text Attachment [ Download File | Save to my Yahoo! Briefcase ]

Hi, love.
Everything is OK.
I am still waiting on my green card situation - don't know how
it is gonna be.
miss you.
Newport has changed a lot - it is not the same without
you.
How is Italy?
I wish I was there with you.
Love country :-)
Be careful with those arabs, they are VERY sneaky.
They use planes as rockets, remember?
:-)

In return to your kiss (friendly) I am sending you my
picture (even more friendly one).
Don't get lost on me, the international girl, we've
had so much together and that's gonna be forever.
Love,
Arsen
PS there are couple Slovaks arond here now.
History is repeting itself, indeed.
take care

====

You shouldn't be snooping in someone else's email. And you definitely shouldn't be posting other people's email here.

I don't think it takes Dr. Phil to figure this one out. I'd go with what your gut is telling you.

Do you guys have a kid?

Is this the guy who was lost in "the perfect storm" a few months ago?

What a fucked up situation you have there, I'm not even going to crack a joke.

Should be interesting to watch develop tho, he obviously uses the internet and I'd be skeptical if he wasn't aware of this place.

I wouldn't invest too much emotion into that relationship. Enjoy it until he gets his green card/citizenship, if you want to.

I would confront him about it and see what his response is.

You are in for a broken heart, sooner or later. If you can get enough out of what is good now, and not worry about later, then go for it; but I, too believe you'll be dumped as soon as citizenship comes his way.

Bad thing about snooping people's computers...sometimes you find out things you'd have rather not known.

yes, he was lost in the storm. no we don't have kids. since we got married, he stopped telling that girl he loves her and he honestly really truly acts like he loves me. he didn't even want to get married, he said he wanted to wait and do it right, but i pressured him because every time he came home late i was having visions of him getting stopped by the police and being caught by immigration and being deported and it scared me to death. i pushed the issue. he knows i read the e-mails. whatever, it started as an accident and turned into serious research, and i deleted the e-mail addresses and full names.
i am just so shocked that last summer he was sleeping in my bed, telling me he loved me and writing those letters to someone else and it makes me doubt the whole marriage. he swears he loves me and plans on being with me until death do us part, he no longer loves her, he's not the one who pushed the marriage, he didn't marry me for a green card. he keeps calling me honey and trying to kiss me and asking me why i am acting this way. i don't know whether to forgive him because we are happy together and love each other, or divorce him because i don't know if i can trust him and when i really fell in love with him, he was in love with her. it's all based on lies....WTF??? help? please.

Did you pressure him or did he get you to pressure him?

Did you convince him or did he turn you around to think you were convincing him?

Why does he ask why you are cold to him now when he should know why?

Has he shed any tears over the possible loss of you as a result of this situation?

Did you pressure him or did he get you to pressure him? how should i know? i mean, i didn't say "you have o marry me!!" but i did cry and tell him that i worry so much and i don't care about the ring, the whole party, etc.. i just wanted to know he'd be around

Did you convince him or did he turn you around to think you were convincing him? see above

Why does he ask why you are cold to him now when he should know why? it's more like a whining thing "honey, whyyyy? huh, why do we have to go through this? it was a year ago! i love you, stop analyzing everything, i love you...

Has he shed any tears over the possible loss of you as a result of this situation? no. but he cried when he watched christina agueilera (sp?) win her first grammy on a television special - i'm serious, and also everytime he watches titanic. we haven't discussed it at length. he stopped home and tried to act like everything is fine. i told him i don't know if i even want to be married to him anymore. he looked a little panicky. he said "why do you have to do this when i'm having such a busy day at work? i didn't marry you for a green card!! can you pick me up from work" reply: "no" then, he left and sped down the street.

Wow, sorry you had to inconvenience his rough day with your trivial insecurities about the relationship.

I don't mean to be short about this. I'm so sorry this confusion is happening. It's never easy, and you don't deserve this kind of thing.

This post is about women in general and how it's typically easier for a man to con a woman into marriage, rather than vice versa. So stacey, if you don't feel that this is a match for how you feel, then disregard this post.

Many women judge how much a man loves them by his direct actions. It's measured by how often he says he loves you, or how often he surprises you with a gift, and by the compliments he offers. Love is felt through reinforcing words/actions that are directly expressed.

But most men measure love differently. You can flood him with gifts and compliments, many of which are forgotten 5 seconds later. A man measures love by the things that his S.O. sacrifices to help him. A romantic dinner is OK. But a dinner you cooked for him when he knows you worked a long hard day and then spent hours in the kitchen will send his heart a-swelling.

That's why it's easy for con men to fool the average woman. He can be devoid of feeling, and yet force himself into a regiment of compliments & gifts which the woman observes to be symbols of his love.

Anyhow, you take this next bit with a grain of salt b/c you're probably a little too observant of his behavior right now. What I'd recommend is to not only be grateful for his kind words, but also measure what he sacrifices for you... even the insignificant things, like buying whole milk for you when he prefers skim. Does he make personal sacrifices to make your life better/happier? Or when it comes down to it does it seem like if anything is better for *him*, then that's the way it's going to be? (Don't get carried away though, don't expect a man to always sacrifice himself, just watch for the occassional ones that prove he's thinking about you, and values your happiness).

It's much, much harder to fake that behavior, especially since most con men expect only their words/gifts to be enough to prove their love, and aren't expecting you to measure them in any other way.

I've seen so many of my friends fall into this trap. And when they explain through tears to me how the break-up was "all so unexpected", I look at the last 6 months where he mechanically recited "I love you" while doing whatever was best for him in the moment, and I'm not surprised.

It's a sad place to be.

well, he brings me coffee in the morning and cream on the side and he stirs it for me and puts the creamer back in the fridge. he takes the dog out if i don't feel like it. if i want chips at 2am he will drive to the store for me. if i don't feel like going back to the laundromat to pick up my laundry, he will go get it and fold my clothes. if i'm cooking for him he always asks "is there anything i can help you with" he will go buy tampons for me, do sexual favors for me and want nothing in return... sometimes i wonder if it is possible for a man to be so wonderful and it just adds to my general confusion right now.

Talk to a friend of his. Say something along the lines of "I'm worried about Bob. What's up with him? He seems funny lately." Watch his face. You'll know.

i'm not friends with his friends. most of them only speak russian. plus, i know he's not cheating on me right now. my worry is that our whole relationship leading up to our marriage was based on a lie. thanks for the input, though, i just don't speak russian...

Bet you $50 that the day he gets his citizenship will be the day he files for a divorce and a K1 for that gf of his.

Not saying that it will happen, just that it's fairly common and I'm willing to bet $50 on it.

Why would he write those emails to her if he wasn't intending to bail on you? To me it sounds like he wants to get together with her when the chances comes.

Do this. Keep all these emails, keep everything you can to use against him. When he tries to pull his stunt, you can get him deported and ruin his plans. Plus you'll get every penny.

Hell, you could do so now. Did he get his green card due to being married to you? If he did, and you can show that the only reason he married you was to get his gf out of Russia, you can easily deport him.

You have any emails from her?

Just because he treats you like a princess, doesn't mean that he loves you. He could just be a very nice sweet guy, who just happens to see you as a nice girl that's pleasant to be around with and a means to an end.

Oh and it's fine if the emails from her are in Russian or "ruski" as in Russian in English, I can read both just fine.

He could just be a very nice sweet guy, who just happens to see you as a nice girl that's pleasant to be around with and a means to an end.

this is what i'm so worried about. the thing is, i read her e-mails to him and she says she doesn't understand why he loves her so much because they only dated for two weeks (he lost his virginity to her) also, she tells him that she has a boyfriend and it is serious. she congratulates him on his marriage. i really don't think that she was half as interested as he was, by reading her letters. i doubt that they will be together, because she is traveling the world, telling him of parties, her boyfriend, etc. and his e-mail after marriage hasn't had the "i love yous" and all of that, mostly just friendly stuff. it's not her i'm so worried about, it's the fact that i was/am? living a lie, he didn't feel the same, i can't trust us or him...and i really love him and i want to believe he loves me, but I HATE BEING A FOOL!!!

Was he giving and thoughtful in May when, at the end of the month, he was supposedly finding Newport "boring" and hoping he'd "evade" to Europe?

It's possible he was just stringing this other gal along...

Was he giving and thoughtful in May when, at the end of the month, he was supposedly finding Newport "boring" and hoping he'd "evade" to Europe? yes, he was. as always

It's possible he was just stringing this other gal along...
i thought maybe he felt guilty for being with me, and instead of going into detail about his life, he just said it was boring...how could SHE help him with citizenship? that's the part i don't get.

Well as long as you know that he can't run off with her because she doesn't want to, you have nothing to worry about.

But keep those letters anyway. They can come in handy with two faced people.

Hard to say, maybe he really does love you but is trying to keep the other girl around as a back up. Maybe he hopes that US Citizenship will impress the girl. (www.bride.ru or is it www.brides.ru (can't check at work..would be creepy)is a prime example of how impressed Russian girls are with US citizenship)

Oh and don't worry about the "virginity" thing. I don't think most guys care if they lost thier virginity to the girl of their dreams or a $5 hooker - as long as they lost it.


Seriously though, if the only thing you're worried about is "living a lie" get over it. There is nothing you can do to find out the "truth". I feel that in a relationship, the truth is what you make it.

so, you mean i should just continue on with life, have sex with him tonight, bake him some muffins and smile? god, i wish i could. but i don't know anymore if his love is real or a stupid act. i don't know if he married me for a green card just so he could be with her and then changed his mind and decided to be with me,... i don't want that! i don't want to be his second choice and accept it and be nice to him and love him, because if that was the case, he would not deserve it.

*shrug*

You have no way to find out the truth. He's obviously a liar.

Someone is being lied to, it's either you, or her. Or both.

Oh sure you could "confront" him, but what would that get you? No matter what the deal is, he'd get pissed off about you reading his mail. If he was like me, he'd never forgive you for that.

If you confront him without the evidence, he can just tell you that he loves you very much and has long forgotten about all other women. Maybe it's even the truth...only he knows.

There is nothing you can do. Everything he does and says could be a lie.

So you're just going to have to forget all you read (after putting it in a nice place for safe keeping. (I suggest a bank)) and then do your best to trust him, if you can. If you can't...well what other option is there?

Well think about the possible things that could happen. There is only one way in which this relationship can go on. If you accept his apologies and start loving him again, then if his love is true the relationship will last.

In every other case the marriage will end, whether it's because he "used" you, or because trust died.

So yeah. To make this work it will take a leap of faith. But isn't that what a marriage is anyhow? :)

(Oh, and the things you listed are all great things he's done, but if he's just sitting around bored is he really sacrificing anything? Measure not just the time he takes, but the time he takes away from what he wants to do).

Do you have any of HER responses? Is one torch carried fully lit, and the other guttering or extinguished?

(yeah, i know that's not totally relevant, but it would be interesting to know what her responses are.)

ok, stacy, as requested, i've read this post. this is your doing, mainly.

you should not have read his email. if you hadn;t you'd not be torturing yourself with doubt now.

What says he can;t love that girl and love you? he married you. he lives with YOU. man can only be judged by his actions, not his thoughts, which you've snooped into. everyone has fantasies. he was with her for 2 weeks(he syas) so all he knew of her was the "new love" phase and that's locked in his memory, and takes him to a place that excited him and made him feel loved. Maybe he IS bored. Maybe YOU're bored.

this damage is yours. you need to forgive him for his fantasy ; forgive yourslef for sneaking into his mind; forget it ever happened, and go on loving him. If he leaves you, he leaves you. Doesn't sound like he will, though. sounds relatively devoted if you ask me. Why can't you be satisfied with what he DOES? must you control his very thoughts? ask him if he loves this girl. ask him if he loves you. ask him if he intends to stay with you.

and NEVER NEVER EVER read his emails again.


I had a similar experience once when shelb and i were fighting,. she had discussed my faults with her friends(which she has every friggin right to do) and i stumbled accross it, followed the thread, and was dejected and depressed for about 3 days until i realized that i had no business spying on her conversations with her friends. so...i confronted her with what bothered me- after apologizing for invading her privacy- we talked it out, and it's all good now. strong marriages don;t get any stronger if there is never a problem to resolve....it's like exercise.

you done wrong...fix it.

lumberjim, he wrote those e-mails to her at the very beginning of our relationship!! we met march 30, and the letters are from april, may, june, july... it wasn't that he was bored with me - he just met me! while he was telling me he was falling in love with me, he was telling this girl he loved her and would be with her again, he was working on a green card, etc. he knows i read his e-mail and he' not mad about that. sorry if you think it is wrong, i just wanted to know who this "eva was" because i'm his wife, i have a right, i would rather know than walk around like a blind fool.

yeah, ok, so now you know.....when's the last email he sent her from? why is this an issue today?

you'll be fine......


OR

you're using this as an excuse to move in a direction that you want to move in.

stacy, i'm not trying to be a jerk to you, but as an objective, unconcerned observer, these are my thoughts.

hope it all works out for you. it doesn't matter WHEN he did it. have you talked to him recently about it?



ps when's your next song coming out? this would make good fodder for one, i think.....

these are the most recent, from last month:



january 12, 2004
Privet, Eva.
How are you?
Are you coming this year?
It would be fun to meet you again...
How's Slovakia???
I am working at the car dealership right now.
Its slow and i have a lot of time doing nothing.
Write me something about your life and Gruba dupa's.
Hope to hear from you soon, Arsen


january 13, 2004
ahoj Apcenko,
o.k. I will come.
your way is very hard for a conctract. damn
is it so hard to ask for a job somewhere or to take a
application form, send me information which u need and
i will send it to u.
pleaaase.
dont be lasy, zasran.
my life is very good for this time. i have finished
exams i hope so. one more / easy one and i provoke all
my friends now. i think i am a first one. i drink a
beer with friend in study room in domitary etc. nice
girl. am i not?
he he
take care
i send u a kiss of friend.
please, try to help me to find a job.
eva

jan 13, 2004
ty si gruba dupa, kurva
eva is much slimmer in this time. 51kg. he he
but its true.
Anyway, i was in Grand Canaria on the new year eve.
u know my roaming shoes.
So, da its true i am coming this year. i will have to.
I have promised u and Josy. But mayby i will stay 2
state farer from Rhode Island,it dependes on the job
or conctrat i will manage. can u help me and to my 2
friend / girls too?
anyway, just in case i will come to USA and i wont
stay in Newport for sure i will come to visit u. I
need to see druba dupa of kokotko.
i know u have a wife. i dont mean to be with u. dont
worry. but for sure i will make u drung for one
evening or more?
take care
e



reply: jan 13, 2004

Eva, slimmer does NOT nessesarily means better...
:-)
I like bigger girls :-)))
What do you need for job?
Kontrakt?
send me a copy by email, ill print it out fill it and
scan it and send it back to you.
Hows your life?
Im very good, i have a new job - i sell cars.
I am happy with my marriage.
Hope everything is good with you.
Let me know if you need something else.
Sincerely,
Arsen.
PS
Yes, you can make me drunk one nite - i like it.
:-)
Write to me.

yeah, ok, so now you know.....when's the last email he sent her from? why is this an issue today

THAT is why it's an issue today!! even though he says he's happy in his marriage, he says he would like to let her take him out for drinks...what the hell is druba dupa of kokoto??

funny you should mention a song lumberjim, i have already written it, i posted it in entertainment section, check it out.

Uhh..link please? :)

Bah the recent emails aren't so bad at all.

So he want's to screw her, whoop die doo, he still wants to be with you.

Let it go.

Yup. Let it go. If he has a cheating heart, then there's nothing you can do and he'll run off. I haven't seen anything in the recent notes to make me think that he's plotting some devlish plan to fleece you.

People write differently when the conversation is private. And that's the point. Private. You shouldn't dive into that bees nest unless you're ready to be stung.

Anyhow. If you want the marriage to go on, then forget everything you read and go back to being a loving wife. But if you're looking for an excuse to dismantle your relationship, then own up to how you feel, instead of trying to justify it with inconclusive emails.

there is no link. it was an email loop. and if i've learned my lesson about reading other's emails, do you think i'd post them for everyone to read? what am i some kind of an asshole?

I don't think you're an asshole. I just think reading your wife & friends discussing your faults behind your back would be pure entertainment. Maybe I'm the asshole?

well, yeah, i could see that. sorry a link there is not.

besides, i've corrected all of my faults now, and am perfect in every way. plus I'm more humble now.

I'm fairly sure that the emails were regarding LJ's whale penis, thats why he doesn't want to post them.

You know Stace, I think this last set of emails is excellent.

Look at it. She calls him a pet name but suggests that she doesn't want to hook up with him, just wants to drink with him. What does he do in return - well, he is businesslike and short. The first thing he does is tell her he doesn't prefer her new body type! Unless he's a moron, that's not the statement of a man trying to get in her pants.

And then he repeats that he is happy with his marriage. When you stop to think about it, if he was really kind of hopeful about hooking up with her, he wouldn't say that... even if it were the case. He'd suggest that the marriage wasn't working, and that he was unhappy and looking for something different.

A guy who is a serial cheater will be on the lookout for any opportunity, anything that seems promising. He sounds like he is trying to shut the door on this one. Maybe the tides have turned.

[evil] or ....maybe he knows stacy reads his email[/evil]

And when I said "the tides have turned", it was a subconscious thing in my mind, you know?

I was thinking about him going through a near-death experience on the ocean - in those tides - and finding you there at the end of it. I thought, you know, that is the kind of intense shared experience that really brings a couple together.

actually, he is a moron when it comes to watching what comes out of his mouth.. also, 1 am 5'10 and 130 lbs. if he likes big women, i'm in trouble.

the part about him being happy with his marriage is the only thing that makes me feel better, but...

it still bugs me that he says she can take him out for a drink, "i like that :-)" how am i supposed to know what would happen between the two of them if they were drunk and alone? they would probably mess around. personally, i would NEVER go out for drinks with any guy, nevermind a guy who i was in love with. i am married. i wouldn't put myself in a situation like that. so now i don't trust him. i know you'll tell me to "get over it" but that's how i feel. he definitely lacks common sense and doesn't think before he acts. if this crap is coming up now, when we are at our happiest, when will he eventually cheat? yeah, now i'm worrying about hypothetical situations that never happened......this whole thing has just screwed my head up.

So what did you expect him to say? "No I'd rather not get drunk and have sex with you because my balls got cut off."

Just because he'd "like" it doesn't mean he'll do it.

But...if he realizes that he wants to be with you and only you, then I don't see what the problem is. Especially when you say he does all these little things for you. The grass isn't always greener...

good luck.

I cannot give a good, reasonable answer to your question, until I see what you look like. Naked. :D

Let's not jump to conclusions. Get a picture of her with clothes on, then ask for one without.

I agree.


A friend of mine married a Russian woman looking to settle in the states.

The whole marriage was a joke from word go. They were living as a normal couple for about 2 months. Then she moved her kids over here, alienating him in his own home, then she started working as some type of interpreter for Russian businessmen (wink, wink).

So last I knew he was dealing with her kids (who dont speak English ), had no experience with children (not having any of his own).....and she was never around.

A group of us tried to talk him out of this before the marriage but he was wrapped up in the fantasy of having an attractive Russian woman at the farm to fuck at will.

slang: Hey Gary, how's it going? Where's that gorgeous woman of yours?
Gary: She's at her job in the city. I see her on the weekends, she works long hours during the week. I was just getting out of the house for a couple hours, the kids are making me crazy.
slang: wow ( wonders to self where Gary will bury her mangled remains after she files for divorce and wants half of his 100+ acre farm. )

So I know this isnt the same situation as the stacyv deal but I have just never seen this arrangement work long term for both people. The few examples I have seen are only for the citizenship.

A puzzlement
 

Hey everybody, I'm Artie. Forgive me for making my 'cellar debut' in this thread. I'm afraid what i'm about to say isn't pleasant.

Staceyv, I feel bad for you, because this situation is really affecting you in a negative way. You sound extremely upset, and slightly irrational.

There's obviously something sketchy about your entire marriage, because of the immigration thing. You're still a good person, but unfortunately, you're the one who created this entire situation, so you're the only one who can make things right, but the focus has to be on YOURSELF.

This guy knows EXACTLY what is going on here, don't kid yourself. He's not stupid enough to jeopardize his meal ticket to the US--of course he'll please you in bed. You have got to take charge of YOUR heart now.

Make some decisions:

Where are you going with your life? What do you want in a spouse? What are you willing to tolerate from your spouse?

Make this all about YOU and where you're going and what you want. Until you turn off all the useless drama you're creating in your mind, you'll never feel safe and secure enough to make decisions to move on with your life.

last night he walked home from work (3 miles) with a dozen roses and a card (which have been destroyed, they just reminded me of when he gave me flowers in july and sent her that letter)
i told him that if this is a greencard marriage, that i will receive payment. i want my $8,000 credit card debt paid off and a diamond. he said he was going to do that anyway. i said if my credit cards are not paid off in next year, no marriage, no greencard. i said if he's using me, he can forget about the green card. well, he swears that he is going to fix me financially and stay with me until death do us part.
i guess i have to wait 1 1/2 years until he gets his green card until i know if i can fully trust him and love him again. if he leaves me, i can console myself with the fact that i bettered myself financially. BUT, really, there is no amount of money in the world that could make up for the pain of finding out that he was using me.

he says that tomorrow night, while i am working, he is going to come to the cellar and tell everyone his side. he thinks i am giving only my point of view and that is why everyone is saying "he's using you...he's a liar..." i am interested to see how he can defend himself...

Tomorrow night he is coming to the cellar
 

Now I have something to do Saturday. Got to pick up a case of beer on the way home, tell him not to be late.

WHAT???!! You're wondering if HE'S using YOU??!!

yes, i am wondering if he is using me, and if it's the case, then i will use him. we can use each other, what the hell. the trust is gone now, the innocence, my happiness...what difference does it make?

This is not a philosophy I comprehend. I'm generally up for a drink and there are many guys whose company I quite enjoy. Drinks can mean friendship and conversation....can't they? Maybe I'm a ho and dont know? Nah, I'm too old fer that, thank god.

You need to do one thing. Talk to him until you are satisfied.

Well, then, why are you asking for advice? Now that you've established what you are, aren't you just dickering over the price?

i have not established what i am. he swears up and down that he married me for life. after reading those letters, i am having doubts. i want what he says to be the truth. i want to go back to our happy relationship. i want to trust him again and to feel happy with him. but my trust is broken and i am doubting everything. i am looking at it from two points of view now 1)what if he used me for green card 2)what if he really loves me and will stay with me? and, i am trying to figure out what to do in either case, because i really don't know which one is true.

staceyv, you do realize that you can go to jail for willingly being invovled in a fraudulent marriage for the purpose of giving somebody a citizenship?
Oh and you'll need 3 (I believe) people to make statements under oath that your marriage is "valid" and that you "behave and show all signs of being a married couple" at least I believe thats what the wording is.

Oh and green card isn't enough. You need another 3 years after a green card to get citizenship.

i couldn't go to jail, i married him out of love. my whole family knows him and likes him. we have plenty of witnesses. so, i'll just state it this way. he's paying off my credit cards and buying me a diamond to make up for mental suffering he has caused me...how's that?

Yes, the mental suffering, and those vicious anal beads..