funny things kids say
 

Spencer is a hoot.

I've got a few of these, but i'll just give you my favorite for now:

One evening right before bed time, spencer and I are playing with clay. I'm sculpting clay vegetables, and he' smaking clay coins to buy from me. ( he was 4 at the time). So, this goes on for a while, and I get a little tired of it. plus, it is now bed time. So i say," ok, Spence, lets clean up and get ready for bed."
"wait, I still have some coins left."

"well, I'm done....lets go" and i'm putting the clay away. "hand me that blue clay"...

"no, just a little more!"

"cmon, spence...it's bed time. Give me the clay."

and he says,......."Fine, here ya go, ya little prick!" .....and goes all round shouldered and stomps off...

I almost peed in my pants......

where did he get that?!....I certainly never called HIM a "little prick"

a few days later, my

cat is screaming, and i say," Quiet, ya little prick!"


....there it was.......

When my daughter was finishing up kindergarten, we had signed her up for a day camp for the summer. Of course there was a ton of paperwork, and one of the items was a list of camp rules parents were supposed to go overwith the kids. So I dutifully went over all the usual stuff about listening to the teachers etc. etc., including, "Swearing will not be tolerated."

"Dad, what does swearing mean?"

"Umm.. swearing is when you say bad words you're not supposed to say."

"Oh. [pause] Well I guess that means swear-word fingers too."

And she stuck out the middle finger on her right hand and pointed it straight at me.

I couldn't decide whether to laugh, or explain that tradition calls for "the finger" to be presented vertically rather than horizontally.

      My six year old daughter is going through this phase where she feels the need to make every bed in the house. I'm sitting here on my computer, in my room she comes in and makes the bed. She then says, "Well the bed is made. If anyone messes it up they will be beaten." And gives me a stern look, then grins at me to let me know she's joking.
      When she was three, almost four, she climbed up in my lap and was resting her head on my chest. Now understand, I've got hair on my chest that lays flat instead of being curly, also I wasn't wearing a shirt at the time. So anyway, she starts petting my chest like I'm a dog or something and says, "Daddy, you got fur." While I'm reeling from this announcement her mom walks in, she hops down walks over and pulls the bottom of her moms shirt out to check for body hair. She then did this to everyone that entered the house, man,woman or child, for days. (yes even after getting in trouble for it) It went on untill a friend of mine with some hair on his chest was came by and she discovered chest hair was not, in fact, unique to her dad. Though she has since informed us that he has hair on his chest, not fur like her daddy.

Is your daughter a Virgo, Whit?

I'm amused by this story, possibly because I've been getting too little sleep, but I found myself wondering ...

Many young children have childhood desires to become cowboys or astronauts or ballerinas or firefighters or garbagemen ... I think your daughter may be the first child I've encountered that wants to be hotel housekeeping staff.

(of course, she could be practicing to be a nurse too. Nurses make DAMN good money now that there's a shortage)

      Capricorn actually. I don't know what she wants to be when she grows up, or if she's ever thought about it. Her aunt did recently tell me that my daughter said that when she grows up she wants to "have big boobs and a hairy chest."

That begs the question - do you also have manboobs?

my former assistant had a nephew that was a good supply of hilarity. He's the same age as spencer (just turned 5) and one day his dad gave him a dollar bill. Anthony looks up at him and says,"thanks,dad, but could I have 100 dollars?" His dad says,"Anthony, what are you going to do with a hundred dollars?"
Anthony says," Dad, what am I going to do with ONE dollar?!"

My three year old walked into my bedroom one day when my bed had just been stripped and the sheets were still on the floor.
"Dad, why the sheets on floor?"
"They are dirty and need to be washed."
"Somebody pee them?"
"No, they just get dirty from sleeping in them."
"On the floor?!?"

The surprise and puzzlement in his voice just killed me.

I wasn't there for this, the story was related to me. But I found it funny.

You know those webpages designed to startle the viewer by presenting an ordinary photograph and prompting the viewer to carefully examine it for some hidden detail, then about 30-40 seconds into viewing, the picture suddenly changes to a scary face with an associated screaming sound? Scares the shit out of most people the first time they see it.

Some sick bastard awhile back did that with some scanned "Where's Waldo" images. So this fellow and his 4-5 year old kid were on the site, the kid was merrily searching for Waldo, and the transition flashed on the screen and wailed from the speakers. The kid turned, terror-struck, to clutch his father. After a couple minutes he asked through sobs, "Daddy, why do people DO things like that?"

Good times.



I know I'm going to Hell, but that story made me laugh my ass off. I do not condone the terrifying of children.

The whole family got a big laugh this past Thanksgiving when we were outside lounging after lunch.

We were all outside just relaxing and talking, and the next-door neighbor stopped by to visit. (Mary, 30ish year old woman, well endowed). She was talking for a bit, polite conversation, when...

My 5 year old nephew comes running outside and says, "Mary! Can I play with your titties?!"

"umm... what's that dear?"

"Can I play with your titties please??!"

We all stand there in shock for a minute, when my nephew starts pointing into Mary's window and says, "Titties!!"

That's when we look and notice that he was pointing to young kittens sitting in the window. We all just about fell over when we realized that he wanted to play with her kitties.

These stories are killing me. I haven't had a laugh that good in a long time. I love the titties story. :)

At age 3, my daughter wanted to be a garbage truck for Halloween. Not a garbage truck DRIVER. A garbage truck.

      Nope, no manboobs. Not even close. Most of the women on my daughters mothers side of the family are quite heavily endowed though. The girl has just spent to much time around them.

      Now one from the boy. We were driving along and I reach over and pop the ten year old in the back of the head. Not hard enough to hurt, just enough to get his attention. So anyway, he goes, "What was that for?!?"
      I arch my eybrow at him and say, "You know what you and your friends were doing the other day and even laughed about how no adult would catch you doing it? It was for that."
      His eyes went straight to the road, and he got very quiet. After a few moments he finally asked, "You don't really know if we did anything," long pause, "do you?"
      I smile at him and say, "No, I don't know what you did, but I'm sure you deserved it."
      He considered my words for all of about three seconds and responds, "Fair enough."

My dear aunt and uncle have passed their childbearing years (well, she has), but they love children. They decided to start doing respite foster care earlier this year (they only get the kids two weekends a month, to relieve the real foster parents). They take care of 3 siblings; two girls 9 and 11, and a 7 year-old boy. The kids are troubled, but very cute and a lot of fun. I've heard especially funny stories about the little boy.

One day, the boy was in the living room with my uncle. The girls were in a nearby room playing and making a racket. The boy scolded them, "You better quiet down! I have an adult in here, and I'm not afraid to use him!"

My son informed me over the weekend that he'd like to have Steve, the host of Blue's Clues, for his dad.

Last night, my daughter informed me: <blockquote>"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"</blockquote>I think she has a way with words.

Ivana says it pays well.:)

I was readying for a business trip when it came time to decide if I was going to elect Ahnuld as my new Gov. So since I was going to be out of town on election day, I stopped by the registrar on that Saturday so I could vote. I had The Kid with me (he's six). I explained what I was doing, and how I would do it (we have punch cards here - nothing fancy for San Diego), and how it was important. He nodded and looked thoughtful. We got into the booth, and he said (very loudly - or at least it seemed that way) "MOM! Who are you gonna poke? You gonna poke the scary guy? MOM! MOM?!? Who are you poking?"

That's m'boy.

This isn't really a "things kids say" post, because my daughter's too young to talk yet, but she does do some funny things....

I have a tongue ring, and when she was reeeeally little I would stick my tongue out at her... she loved the little shiny ball mommy had on her tongue, and liked to touch it. When she got a little older, she would stick her tongue out at me so I'd stick my tongue out at HER, but when she touched her own tongue, she discovered that she didn't have a ball there....the look of surprise on her face as she stuck her tongue further out and kept poking it looking for HER tongue ring just killed me!


Sidhe

kid (digging in drawer): Mom, what's this?
me: That's an ear ring I wore to a wedding.
kid: Can I try it out?
me: Sure, go ahead...

Classic, jinx! Quick thinking getting the pic! :thumb:

understandable as jinx wears a nosering...but aint he cute!?

When my 22 year old was but a wee lad of four or so, a large group of friends were all together helping another of our circle move. Everyone was hefting boxes and whatnot, generally doing the moving thing, and the kids were being give smallish items, like individual dresser drawers, to carry in order to keep them occupied and out from underfoot.

Everyone had decided to take a break, and were lounging in the garage, when my son comes running into the garage, holding your basic 7" plastic vibrator above his head, yelling "Zoom! Spaceship! Zoom!"

Needless to say, the lady of the house was suitably mortified...

a friend from long ago once told mt this one:

her whole extended family was over for a holiday, and her mom was smoking a cigarette. Becky asks(loud enough for everyone to hear her) "Mom, why aren't you sharing your cigarette tonight?":joint:

My 9 year old draws a nice little viking ship. She starts walking it around my Moms kitchen saying "the vikings raid the Islands! The vikings raid Ireland. The vikings raid England. " To which my 7 year old replies, "The vikings raid the refrigerator!"

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i am in hysterics.

my brother's kid had sort of a speech thing going on when he was three. he was sitting at my mom's table, come for a visit, when he said to my mom, "Bitch!"

the whole table got silent. (all of us, figuring he had heard his dad call his mom that...not a bad conclusion to draw.) and then he said, "Hey! Bitch!"

Mom, flabbergasted, said, "Nicolas!" And nic said..."I want a bitch!" -- and pointed at mom's biscuit.

oops.

my nieghbour's child asked one day if he could play with my 'tits.' I asked "Pardon me?" 'Tits! Tits!' gesturing wildly at the 'Stitch' action figure from 'Leelo and Stitch'

I very seldom cuss. The few words that I used to use I trained myself out of after the kids were born.

However, one day we had a bunch of relatives over, including kids. We were all in the kitchen. So there I was pouring spaghetti sauce from the pot into a nice bowl for the table. At which point my hand slipped and I poured a big glop of it into my loafer.

Not on. In.

I had no control over the matter. I said F*ck in a rather loud voice. The room got really quiet.

My youngest, who was seven at the time, pipes up, "Daddy, what's 'fawk'?"

"Honey", I said, "it's a word you should never, ever use -- unless you pour spaghetti sauce in your shoe."

While this story involves me as a child, its still kinda funny. As a two year old I was fascinated by Trucks but being I was still learning how to talk I couldn't't say the TR sound and instead replaced it with an F sound. My uncle was watching me and him with a large group of his friend decided to go for a drive. My uncle was about 17 at the time and while we are all out for our little drive I look out the window and as loud as can be start yelling "Fuck, fuck, look fuck". This was Utah and they just don't say words like that. Needless to say he refused to watch me again after that.

Welcome to the Cellar, Brig. My brother had the same problem with truck. Can you imagine, there were people who would actually encourage him.:eek:

I still cuss. I think I'll continue to cuss even as Sarah gets older, since I see absolutely nothing wrong with it. I might change my mind. I will wait and see.

When I was a kid, I knew my parents cussed when I wasn't around, and they knew I cussed when they weren't around. But we weren't allowed to cuss around each other. Does this make sense? No, it makes no sense. It's stupid -- just monumentally stupid.

Kids cussing in public or around strangers is an issue of good manners. I wouldn't do it myself, and I'll expect the same of her. But I'm damned sure not going to tell her not to do something that I do myself. That's just hypocrisy.

Like I said, people say that I will change my mind, so I'm keeping an open mind about it. But that's how I've reasoned it out intellectually.

Ok. You cuss around your kids. They're going to cuss. Your kid goes to pre-school or to a neighbor's house and cusses. UhOh. Instant ostracization for little juju.

Maybe she'll finally get some fucking relief from the fucking gas.

Like father, like daughter. :)

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Covered the foul language thing with the boy awhile back. We were driving along and something on the radio sparked a discussion on the subject. The boy says, "I don't know why people think they have to use it. It's just stupid."
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; I looked at him for a second, and grinned unable to resist. "Gimme a break kid. I know how you and your friends talk when no adults are around." He looked struck by lightning. You could just see him trying to figure out how I knew. So I told him. "I was ten once to you know. Unlike a lot of parents I remember those days and have no illusion that things have changed."
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; He looked even more nervous at that. Then an idea dawned over his face. "That means you..." He trailed off.
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; I just smiled at the road. Then added, "As long as you don't use it inappropriately nothing more need be said."

Perhaps she will learn from that experience and not do it again?

In the case that she is too young to understand or learn that lesson, then I'll simply refrain from cussing until I think she's able to learn it.

When my son was about 3 we were getting out of the car one Saturday, and he put his hand up in the air and said, "Heil Hitler!" When I asked him where he learned this, he said, "Julie Andrews The Sound of Music!" Leave it to my kid to take the most sickeningly sweet movie musical of all time and pull out the one bad part of it. I wish I had a picture of his preschool teacher's face when I told her. (We wanted to make sure they knew what was going on in case he taught any of his little friends to say it, but that never happened fortunately. And after that we edited it down to just the musical numbers.)

we've been teaching spencer how to cuss effectively. time and a place, man.

one day, jinx was trying to get her stuff together and get the kids out the door ( i think spence was 3 ) and she dropped her cell phone....." Oh, Mom! you dropped your fuckin' phone!"

I think introducing certain words to kids and then forbidding them from saying them is ludicrous. Kids are going to say horrible and embarrasing things to/about/in front of you whether they are allowed to or not.

I think I would rather hear my little boy say a cuss word than something like "Leave me alone" or "I don't like you." Cuss words are just words. They are rarely used for what they really mean (literally), thus giving them no meaning at all. I guess it looks bad to other people when your child says shit or fuck (especially in super-fundie Colorado Springs) but really, what's the big deal? Just words.

My nephew isn't allowed to say hate. So.... everytime he (or anyone else) says 'hate', it starts a round of "he said hate!", "Oh, now she said hate", "You said hate twice", "Oh, hate again - you said it again!!" Until I want to fucking kill someone.

Jinx, you might want to start preparing your statement for the press ...

You know, the one that you'll be weeping as you read it on Action News, apologizing to the families of all the people your nephew killed in that shooting spree at his school.

Do aunts generally read those statements wolf? I have to admit I watch very little (read: none) action/fox news.... and I'd definitely want to follow the correct protocol in that situation.

Aunts or uncles, typically. The parents of the miscreants are usually "too distraught to be interviewed" or are "not providing comment on the advice of their attorney."

I see.... that makes sense.
And this comes from the saying hate thing? Sorry.... you lost me.

If the parents don't let the kid express his dislike for something by using one of the more handy, simple, vocabulary words for doing so, they are probably doing a lot of other of those "modern parenting" things ... and are well on their way to turning a cute small child into a demanding, entitled, potentially out of control pre-teen.

If they aren't the kind of parents who are resorting to bribery to assure the cooperation of someone small enough to be lifted and carried, then there's hope.

I don't even want to know what you'd make of our kids. They behave angelically for everybody--except their parents.

Lol, yeah... ok.

My children are amazing when it comes to saying things.
For example: My daughter was 5 and we had gone into the Dollar General (We live in SC) There happened to be an odor lingering when you first come in. Many aduldts ignore it and go in my little girl said very loudly, "It smells like brown people in here!" Well as I almost fell over in shock the 3 black people around the register were laughing at her!

I have a 32 year old friend nammed Donnie who is about 6'2"
He tells her constanly that she is his girlfriend and about 1-2 weeks after her birthday he was in the living room watching tv with us and she comes out of her room, walks right up to him, he says hi and she says I am 7 now and I do not have time for you!!! She walks back to her room. As soon as she shuts her door we die laughing.

Just so my son is not left out he has two I can put down:
For example: We had gone to a pizza place called CiCi's Pizza Alex was done and wanted to play the videogame in there so my husband goes with him. It is a racing game there was a 18 year old at the next one. Another car cut him off and he hollered, "You prick" and went back to playing the guy next to them just about fell off the game. So dad asks what did you say and my son replies with, that guy was a prick! Daddy says thought that was what you said. The guy was doing his best not to laugh.

Then the all time favorite one from my little man was when he was 5: We had a brand new table so we decided to "break" it in. Well my parents and my best friend were visiting about a couple of weeks later and something was said to where my husband said Jesus Christ and my son pipes up with, "And mommy says YES! YES! YES! Needless to say we tried that one no more...

Often the little miscreants pop their parents before they head off to do their public display... You may want to join Toastmasters.

spencer
 

on friday, i hear the kids up in the attic, and ripley ( 3yrs old) starts screeching, and spencer(5) is yelling, "no! no!"

so, I bellow, "hey, what the hell is going on up there?!"

Spence shouts down," she's throwing toys all over the fucking attic!"

ok.

You keep your kids in the attic?

i keep their millions upon millions of tiny litle bits and pieces of toys in the attic. i try like hell to keep the kids OUT of it. It's finished, and heated and all, so they like to play up there. they just level all of the piles of toys to a 5 inch layer of debris all over the entire floor and you can't walk through without getting a lego imbedded in the arch of your bare foot. (jinx doesn't allow shoes in the house) .....and she likes sushi a lot.....i wonder if she's japanese, and just not telling me.......hmmm........

Ahhh, the power of legos...my mother used to hate me every time she vacumned.

Japanese...made me laugh there, I ALWAYS get asked if my wife is oriental by nosy people...it's funny because she's 100% German, likes sauerkraut even, blechh.

Re: spencer
 

Which neighbor kid ended up getting their mouth washed out with Lifebuoy?

It was... it was... SOAP POISONING!

Re: Re: spencer
 

there are no neighbor kids.....i'm afraid i have no one to blame but jinx for that kind of language in our home.

:)