my baby sister.
 

so i wasnt around all last week. anyone notice? :)

my sister, angela, died on april 13th. she was 22 years old and one of my best friends in the world. apparently, she had a cyst on her brain near where fluid drains (i have no idea the medical terminology here), which she probably had her entire life. recently, it had begun to swell, causing her migraines and brief blackouts. the problem was, no one knew it was there. she had no history of problems like this, and when they surfaced, she assumed that they would go away with time. she was vacationing in steamboat springs with a bunch of her friends when she began experiencing pain bad enough to send her to the emergency room. by bizarre coincidence, my father was in steamboat at the same time for work. he rode along with her while she was airlifted a denver hospital. during that flight, she lost consciousness and never woke up.

she was an organ donor, and saved 5 lives. i can take comfort in that, but i simply cannot fathom how this happened or even that it has happened. i sit here and i think that i should call her, make sure shes okay. i think, without realizing, that i havent seen her in a couple weeks and should invite her over.

i really dont know how to cope. my only other experience with death has been with my grandfathers and in both cases i had plenty of time to get used to the idea before it happened. i have 3 brothers who i want to be strong for, let them mourn. but i know that at some point i have to. but i cant figure out how.

my father insisted on an open-casket viewing. she would have hated it. they fucked up her makeup and gave her what appeared to be a five-o-clock shadow. but i was struck by something. i had always thought of my sister as a very beautiful girl. but she looked like hell in the casket. i never realised just how important inner beauty was to outer beauty. when my sister smiled, she radiated love and kindness.

my family played a lot of music this week. partly to stimulate the memory and partly to find solace. for some reason, this song stuck with me.
i was priveliged to choose a quote to put in the program for the memorial service. i chose one that i felt matched her personality and philosophy. people that knew her said that she was a hard worker, but knew how to enjoy and get the most out of it. they also said that shew knew how to have fun.
i love my sister dearly. my deepest regret is that i didnt tell her more often. tell your family that you love them. often. i doubt it will ever be enough, but it should be said.

~james

I am very sorry for your loss Perth. There is no easy way to lose a loved one.

There really isn't anything I can suggest or do for you in this time of grief, although I would if I knew of something or could do something to help you. My greatest weapon for most of life's challenges is humor, which isnt appropriate at this time.

Take comfort in knowing that your thread has at least made the readers aware of what you and the world has lost by the passing of your sis.

Best wishes.

Perth, you do you sister much honor by sharing your feelings here. Though none of us will be privileged to know her, you have conveyed her goodness and beauty in beautiful fashion.

Don't try and be strong for everyone else, it is your right and need to grieve as well.

Blessings to you and your family.

I read this last year at my mother's funeral. It's by Khalil Gibran.

Joy and Sorrow

Then a woman said, Speak to us of Joy and
Sorrow.

And he answered:

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame well from which your laughter
rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.

And how else can it be?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the
more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that
was burned in the potter's oven?

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit the very
wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and
you shall find it is only that which has given you
sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart,
and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for
that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, 'Joy is greater than sorrow,' and
others say, 'Nay, sorrow is the greater.'

But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits alone with
you at your board, remember that the other is asleep
upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your
sorrow and your joy.

Only when you are empty are you at standstill and
balanced.

When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold
and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow
rise or fall

As you know, I'm also really close with my sister. I don't know what I'd do if I lost her, and I hope I never have to find out. I'm sorry for your loss.

It may seem like a weird request, but seeing pictures helps me when I hear about something like this. So I can keep it in my head. I'm very visual like that. Anyway, if you don't mind posting a picture of her, please do. But if you don't feel comfortable doing it, or you don't think she'd approve, then don't.

Regardless, that sucks man, and I'm truly sorry to be reading about it now.

I thought about making the same request, Dave, for much the same reasons.

Perth-
     I can't pretend to know what you are going through. I do wish to suggest some things that might help though. Using humor is only inappropriate if it's disrespectful. Try to think of the things that made her laugh. The things she thought were funny. It might make you laugh and cry both, but remembering her happiness will be good for you right now.
     Be strong for the others right now. I suspect she would have appreciated the effort. I know this is hard, but it might be good for you. You will feel better about yourself and taking care of her loved ones will honor her memory. They will almost certainly take care of you in turn. Just try to last through this first, worst part.
     Your loss saddens me, but the strength you showed sharing it here gives me hope. Just stay strong for a little while and you'll make it through.

y'know, i cannot find a single digital image of her right now. i have plenty of snapshots, so once i get one scanned i will post it.

i think humour is totally appropriate when, as whit said, it was something that would have made her laugh. and she laughed at a lot of things.

the thing about me deciding to be strong, is that my brothers all decided the same thing. so thats kind of wierd.

actually, we really pulled together this week. i think its something angie would be proud of, bringing her brothers so close. its terribly painful, but at least we can lean on each other. the hardest thing is that i live 2 hours away from them. so i worry, but i know they can handle themselves.

it goes in waves. sometimes im horribly depressed and i wish i could just sleep forever, and other times im on top of the world thinking about the fun we had. still other times im a horrible asshole, angry at everything. so i may not be handling it quite right, but at least im not bottling it in. :)

~james

One of the best things helping me with Shadow has been the thought of him hissing at my laptop. So yeah, the humor helps. And I definitely think you're on the right track.

Still... I can't imagine. Or rather, I can, but I know that it doesn't come close to the actual feeling. Like making love with your soul mate or having a child, the feeling cannot be understood until you have experienced it. I'm sorry that you had to.

That wasn't your sister/friend in that casket. That was a husk. Keep that smile in your mind and she will ALWAYS be in your heart. And because she's there you'll save on phone bills. You can talk to her anytime day or night. So talk to her. Tell her how you feel. If it feels better, go somewhere alone and talk out loud. It may sound off the wall, but don't worry about how or when you'll grieve. When you're ready, it'll happen in your own way. Right now your emotions are probably as turbulent as they've ever been but it'll be cool in time. I wouldn't lie.;)

When things like this come down often its best to reflect on the good. If you and your family keep the best that was her in your hearts, you'll all be richer for having known her. Good luck and blessings for your family.

my son was always close to her. hes obviously too young to really understand death, and i think it would be horrible to try to saddle him with it. he sees pictures and asks for her, i simply say shes not here. in time, hes going to forget her, unless i somehow make sure he doesnt. i imagine that when my brothers have children they will want to make sure they at least 'know' their aunt as well. how would you go about this?

ive thought about writing little stories about her to read to him. my brothers are very good artists, and when i really try, i can set out some halfway decent prose. ive also thought of putting together a scrapbook of pictures of her and him, but i think thats something to give him when hes quite a bit older.

~james

The scrap book is a great idea. Until he's old enough to understand just tell him stories about his aunt, when they pop into your head, it will do you good and honor her.

Might be a good idea to write those first person stories down as they pop into your head. Carry a small pocket tape recorder in your car. Driving tends to let your mind work.

To expand on what xoxoBruce has said, Perth, *do* talk to your sister anytime you feel the need. She's nearer by than you know.

My thoughts are with you Perth, and your family, your parents.
Kids arent supposed to go before parents.

Write down all you can about her. Celebrate her in the world and the place she is forever in your heart. I bet she'd love that.

My condolences. I lost a niece last year who had seizures all of her life that noone thought were life-threatening. I lost a nephew last year who died a week shy of his 20th birthday.

I did not have a chance to know them very well, so I can still barely imagine what you are feeling.

Some people are given a long time to make an impression on the world, and some are given much less. Their only memorial is in the thoughts of others. Sometimes the only thing they can leave us is the reminder how precious and limited a gift life is.

I am sorry to learn of this, J. It's good to know that you had a good relationship and were able to love her during her short time with you.

I will heed your advice. Thank you.

James,

My deepest condolences to you and your family.

There is a poem that I was first introduced to at a Native American ceremony for the passing of one of my closest friends. There is a lot of truth in these words. (although not, apparently, in the described origins. The poem is credited to a Mary Frye, who is apparently a british poet who wrote this in the early 1930s. The NA community claims that it's one of their old blessings. Either way, it's beautiful.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
(Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!
Mary Frye (1932)

thank you everyone. heres a picture of her. its not the best picture, but it does the job. its from a little over a year ago.

http://www.sugarbead.com/personal/angie.jpg

~james

She's beautiful. Again, I'm sorry for your loss. And thank you for sharing her with us.

You were spot-on, Perth...she is beautiful, and not just in your eyes.

Again, many condolences to you and your family.

Perth-Forget my advice not to forget her smile. You couldn't, I won't.

Wolf, thanks for the poem. I'm saving that one.

she loves you so much
thankyou thankyou thankyou

beautiful.

Brother James,
You say the most beautiful things about our sister. I'm sure little J. will remember something of Angie, I know it will be impossible for the rest of us to ever forget. I'm thinking of you, and you know where I'm at if you need me at all.
Remember when you and me were sitting on that couch reading that book years and years ago....?

Looks like we've got the whole family in here! Welcome to you all, and my condolences on your loss. She sounds like a wonderful person.

Yes welcome. See, by bring you together, she's still doing good things. Keep her in your heart and you will do good things.

i showed this thread to my mom because honestly, the outpouring of support ive received from you all has helped me tremendously. i wanted her to see that. :) i have nothing but respect and admiration for just about everyone here, and it really does make me feel good to be a part of such a wonderful community.

i have an interesting story to relate about all of this, but im tired now and will post it tomorrow.

~james

At least one person is eagerly awaiting.

through a random series of events, i fould a cd i burned over 2 years ago and never bothered to listen to. i started listening to it and found that it was basically a cd starting with 1 van morrison song followed by a bunch of pogues songs. i was pleased that i found it and out it in my car to listen to. i put in the car saturday night and went merrily home.

the next morning, my mom and i decided to go to kohls department store to pick up some frames. my sister worked at kohls for a very long time and i found myself thinking a great deal about her and missing her very badly. we got back out to the car and as i started the car, track 12 of the cd i had found began. "beautiful girl" by poe. 1 song dramatically out of place amongst a bunch of irish drinking songs.

heres the thing. before that song took on special significance for me due to her loss, it wasnt a song i particularly cared for and i much preferred other songs by poe. even knowing that, i cannot imagine the thought process that would have brought me to burn a disc that looks a bit like this:

1. all over now baby blue - them featuring van morrison
2-11. pogues
12. beautiful girl - poe
13-18. pogues

and even if i could figure out what caused me to do that, the chain of events that ended with me putting that cd in the car is filled with me and other people doing very out-of-character things.

coincidence? probably. but it did wonders for me at that moment.

~james

~james

As the resident Cellar Pagan, I feel compelled to say that many times things happen in a certain way because they need to. It is possible that, subliminally, you knew something then that you weren't aware you knew, and that CD was the result.

James,

I haven't said anything b/c everyone else summed it up pretty well. To you and your family, I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. Always keep her on your minds, and always celebrate the joy and amazement she brought to you during her time on Earth.

     I'm with Ep on this. I wouldn't rule out the possiblity that you had mentaly linked the song with your sister in the past. It just didn't have such importance then. Finding it on a CD wouldn't be so much an oddity, but something you might expect. It's probably there 'cause it was linked back then, and it was a passing thought. Kind of nice in retrospect.
     I'm glad we, on the Cellar could help in any way. Thank you for sharing with us in such a personal time.

I've experienced things that affirm my belief that there is so much going beyond my perception- however you want to think of it. I think time and presence are actually very fluid. That song was well placed for/by you. :)

Do not be surprised if over the next weeks and months, you encounter any number of situations, images, songs, messages or other sorts of 'coincidences' you may eventually come to understand are gifts from your sister.

Listen.

You will hear her.

I had a moment like that a while back. I lost my cousin in a car accident. Early the next spring,(or another year later I forget) I was about to drive by the cemetary where he's buried and I felt compeled to stop in for a couple minutes. It turned out to be his birthday.

I am sorry I hadn't posted until now. Beautiful thread, guys. Thank you, James for sharing your feelings on this board. Even though I am married to you, I always glean a little extra by reading your posts here.

An additional note on the CD coincidence:

When James originally made that CD (2 or more years ago if I remember right) we put it in the CD player and I was a little confused as to why there was one Van Morrison song and the rest were Pogues. I wasn't aware of the existence of the Poe song, either, but I remember asking him why he had composed the CD the way he had, and I seem to think he said something like "I just like all of these songs." I just thought the lack of intention with the making of the disc is an interesting piece of this little puzzle.

Hi Case!

Anyhow, just wanted to say hi, and about yer CD, I guess we all do inexplicable things that make more sense later. could be coincidence, could be chance, fate, luck. At any rate, weird thing, there's a song on Angie's Tirbute CD that seems to be coming up on the radio every 15 minutes, on more than one station. Maybe metaphysical, maybe just a popular song, but it makes you think...

Love you guys

Hi Dusty! It is good to hear from you.

Which song keeps coming on the radio? Is it the Tori Amos one? I have heard that one a couple times lately.

Case

It's the evanesence one, save me I believe it's called. I swear it's on two stations at any given moment. Weird, huh? Anyhow, James, I got a wonderful story for you, I'll call you later, right now I need to get some sleep.