Please indulge me...
 

for a minute.

I know I've said some of this before...but I lost my best friend (he didn't die he just decided, as he did years ago in our relationship, that I'm worthless and I am no longer worthy of his time. No matter what I've gone through for him...anyhoo, 30 years, now gone...see comment below about trust issues) and I really have no one to talk to. My family is like "but we're so proud of you and life's not easy and you're doing great but, basically, suck it up."

I'm so fucking sleep-deprived. 16 months of my crazy two job schedule. Last night I managed two hours sleep. I usually get a couple more but we were so slammed and I got home at 1:15 a.m. and I was so full of adrenaline and my hips and legs and feet hurt so bad. I couldn't sleep. But I got up and came in here today.

I can type this right now because the cow orker is at lunch. I am her slave, nothing more. I deserve an academy award for how great I am, when sometimes I want to scream "OMG you have it so good please stop complaining about EVERYTHING." Again, I'm sleep-deprived and struggling financially. I think she likes that about me. One more person who gets to be better than me in every way. So complain about stupid shit in a way that makes me realize how little I have, and how alone I am. And I'm depressed with no one to talk to about it. No health ins.

I want to apply for a job at the old college where I worked, the first one, as a library asst. I like the woman who is running it. I am only worried about references. I lose one because I can't really use my old boss from the college. And I lost touch with my friend from the other school, and I feel bad asking her because I feel like I'm using people when I ask for a reference...but my gawd I don't have TIME to do anything I should and I feel like a piece of shit.

I like this job, mostly. I like the attys. I don't so much care for the sec. I like my other job. I like the people.

I'm just tired right now and frustrated and I am begging for advice or even a pat on the head. I feel like I'm losing it and I know sleep deprivation is part of it, but the other part is feeling so alone. Which I bring a lot on myself there. I have two major issues with relationships: I have a really hard time trusting anyone, and I trust people way too much. :(

Thanks.

I hope things get better soon. Getting sleep will help.:hug:

We still love you infinite monkey.

QFT.

Illegitmi non carborundum.

"I know you're hurting.... don't think that I don't know" were the lyrics that flashed into my head


"Hovering" Sky Cries Mary

Wake and waltz five in the morning
The streets are ice and steam before me
I think of you, and hope that you are well
Are you still hovering between heaven... and hell?

The way you look at the world, what do you see?
Stop weighing yourself, break the mirror and the TV
I know you're hurting, don't think that I don't know
I'm with you, don't worry, don't let your heart grow cold

Just breathe
Just breathe
Just breathe
And be with me
Don't let your heart grow cold

I take the red-eye, can't find you in the streets
Try keys in all the doors, find shoes for your feet
Can't be easy being you, I know it's hard being me
We're both so confused, why can't we all...

Just breathe
I know you're hurting, don't think I don't know
Just breathe
Don't let your heart grow cold
Just breathe
I know you're hurting, don't think I don't know
And be with me
Don't let your heart grow cold

Can't be easy being you
I know it's hard being me
We're both so damn confused
Why can't we all just breathe...

Find some way to sleep. OTC meds might help
Set aside 1 hour a day for you. You deserve it.
Get your brains screwed out.

I truly hope things get better for you

You know what would be really cool, is if the damned universe would just give you a fucking break. You don't deserve the shit stuff, and you deserve a whole lot more of the good stuff.

I feel for you hon. You're in a bind and it's going to take some maneuvering on your part to extricate yourself from it. Which, of course, is difficult if the situation is leaving you exhausted and mentally drained.

Not sure how useful advice from me might be (I'm not exactly renowned for being competent at life - competent at work, sure.....at life? Not so much) but for what it's worth:

It really depends on two things - are you thinking of applying for a job that has been posted as a vacancy, or making a speculative approach to the college. it also depends on whether losing contact with your friend means you no longer have contact details for her, or just that you haven't kept in touch with each other.

First, if it's a speculative approach, then in the middle of being sleep deprived is a bad time to try and sort anything out - that combination of shattered and wired is a great time for realising that something has to give, but it's a bad time to seek solutions. For few weeks focus on trying to get rested - if necessary you may need to take a couple of days off sick from work - even if that means you make your precarious finances worse this month. You cannot, physically continue to go without sleep without eventually crashing and burning.

Give yourself permission to not look for or investigate solutions to your overall situation until you've got some rest. Give yourself permission to not think about that at all - remind yourself of that when it all starts whirling round your head. Aim to reopen the issue 2-3 weeks from now. Ditto for anything else you're currently trying to get sorted out, or feel like you should be doing, but can't make yourself do.

When you come back to thinking about a longer term plan, start with something manageable - jot down a list of possible small actions that might be useful (such as identifying possible references, writing up a new cv, contacting former employer, first draft of general purpose letter of introduction that could be fired off to potential other employers you can think of etc). Doesn't have to be an exhaustive list and you may not do, or need to do everything on it. It's just a starting point. Try to break things down to component tasks. So, for instance, don't aim to write a letter, aim to do a first draft. Even if all you do is write the introduction. You can come back to it and add more. Gathering and collating the information you'll need for an updated resume / application form is a task in itself - putting that information into a resume is another, as is writing a personal statement. Keep to short, simple tasks.

Only attempt one or two of these things in a week - given your current work burden, it is probably wise to aim for no more than 1/2 hr - 1 hr on this stuff in any one week. If you're hit with a sudden coincidence of a bit more time and a bunch of energy and focus, then you can always run with that, but don't expect it of yourself and then feel like shit if the jobs you're doing just don't make that possible.

Slowly, slowly, catchy monkey, as they say ;p

Try not to beat yourself up if you find those tasks beyond you at times.

Don't feel bad about calling on someone for a reference, you're not using them. You're just asking for their assistance in a small matter. We are social animals in a social world - connections matter, even small ones and even fleeting ones. They are a normal part of the mechanisms of the world you're in. Don't tie one hand behind your back through misplaced guilt.

All that said: the above in terms of applying for jobs is only relevant if you're thinking of approaching the college yourself. If there is a current vacancy that you're thinking of applying to, and your main concern is references, then you may need to sharpen up the timescales for this one thing. If that's the case - yes, absolutely apply, regardless of your concerns over references. Put down the reference you think you can put down, no matter if you feel you're using her (you're not). If you have just fallen out of touch with, but still have contact details for your friend give her details for use as a reference and send her an email to ask her if that's ok. Your current employer surely would also be a possible reference?

Whatever you do, just remember we all love you. You are awesome - that's just a scientific fact.

I'm so sorry this has been such a long haul for you. I hope you can find some ways to feel less burdened. Be fucking as selfish as you can be and try not to worry about anyone else, but you. You are always worth it because you are your own best friend.

Actually, I think what people mean by saying 'get over it' is really 'don't dwell on it', something I have recently learned the long, hard way. I got divorced - he decided that I wasn't worth anything to him anymore, too. It took me MONTHS and MONTHS of just feeling totally deflated, numb and non-personish, before I started turning the corner. I'm pretty much all alone too, not really anyone to talk it all out seriously with. So I learned to stop dwelling on it. As soon as a thought came to mind, I turned it off. I refused to let it blossom into a full-fledged pity party (well, mostly). I became very selfishly self-indulgent. I do what I can to put a little joy in my life...mostly watch tv shows and movies, kill (lots) time on the computer, and catch up on my reading. It works for me. I have Turbo and Pico and work associates to keep me from feeling lonely. And I have really curtailed what used to be my high expectations for my life...at least for now.

I hope you can stay focused on the good things, no matter how little they are.

Btw, do you suffer pain a lot? I do, I have fibromyalgia. I take tramadol generic. It works great and is a is also a mood lifter. Maybe look into it? with discount card it shouldn't be expensive.

I can relate to this.

My guess is that isn't how your request would be received. When someone asks me for a reference, I always feel a little pat on the back like they value my insight into their character.

What DanaC said.

What Griff said.

Hell. I'll give you a good reference.

(I hope that didn't sound too needy on my part) :)

Also what Griff said

Thanks everyone. I have so many thoughts/responses for each of you, but I'm under time constraint...on break at night job. So I'll just hit a few highlights.

Of course, I've always been, ahem, emotional but I see this schedule taking its toll. However, the upside is my night job is sometimes very physical, and that's helped. Though...in response to Pico...I don't think my pain is anything but the physical demands of the job coupled with my age. Which, sucks. ;) I'm in way better shape than I was but feel I should be in way better shape than I am. But the score on the board is:

Age: 51
Metabolism: 0

As to the job and references, all your advice has helped me. I have applied for many jobs with the county and haven't gotten them so I think I'm a bit discouraged...and hated to keep asking people for references, which these days you need to have lined up when you apply, not when they request them if they are considering hiring you.

Dana, the job I want to apply for is actually a posted position. I think I would love it. It might be a dream job for me. Since I got so knocked around when I left the first college for the second, money isn't so much an issue anymore. I do need enough to survive, though. I just need to bite the bullet on this one, get my references together, tweak my existing resume and cover letter, and do it.

And life is still pretty good. I have good times. Pico, I'm sorry to hear about your divorce. I am like you, though...always with the books and movies. Books mostly on my Friday mornings off, movies after work on Friday and weekends. That part of being alone I don't mind so much.

I think I just get tired of dealing with life alone.

I feel pretty upset about my friend. I felt like "yeah, so the person who knows me better than anyone hates me." Rings true to 'if people really know you they won't like you' mindset I have. It really hurt. Again. So I come here and vent, and I figure out...once again, that I've been myself here more than anywhere else over the years. And here y'all are being supportive. I can't even say what that means to me. There really isn't any way to put it into words. Except thanks.

I needed that.

What Griff said, being asked for a reference makes a person feel smug and important. It's a compliment.
And just because the ex-friend was in your life for a long period of time does not mean he knew you best. Nor that his opinion of you is at all valid.

sent by thought transference

You said you "keep" asking for references, wouldn't you just use the same three over and over? And if they said yes the first time, I would assume that lasts for a 3-6 month window at least, not just for the one job application it was for. You have enough steps to deal with, don't add imaginary social obligations. :)

You want to know the truth, I've never asked for references. I just put the person's name down and let them get a call out of the blue, on the rare occasion that the employer even follows up on them. It's not like I'm asking them to write me a letter of recommendation--if I were to ask them if I could list them as a reference, just that conversation would take up as much of their time as the surprise phone call itself. I've been put as a reference for tons of people myself, and only two have ever called. (Well, also another two for the FBI, but those were for security clearance, not a job application. And besides that, one of the FBI friends hadn't warned me I was being listed as a reference for him either.)

I'm sure now is when everyone tells me it's very rude not to ask. A pox on all your houses. I'll not abet inefficiency.

I don't require being asked m'self, but it is nice to know that there's a chance some anonymous call is going to be a possible employer, rather than the usual spam and CVS reminder calls.

Good point, especially during campaign season. I only pick up calls that I know.

I am emotionally incapable of not answering the phone if I hear it ring, unless I specifically know who it is and want to avoid them. The Caller ID could say the number was 000-000-0000 and I would still answer. Like, what if one of my friends is having phone trouble, and that's why the number isn't displaying? It could happen.

Yeah, its not easy, but I really dislike the disappoint I feel when its a telemarketing call or whatnot.

I hate answering the phone. I only do if it's someone I know. I HATE telephones. Hate them.

As to pre-asking references, yes, there are those who are very much sticklers for the formal ask. My ex-boss would not reply to an email reference request from the CAREER CENTER, down the road from the college where I used to work (SHE WORKS) because I didn't call her first and tell her it was real and true. Then she answered it. I felt like an ass.

As to them calling references, for the types of positions I apply they sure do call! I always thought references were kind of stupid: like I'm going to give you the guy from second grade whose puppy I accidentally killed when I ran over it with the car I'd hotwired, then mounted its head on a stick as if it hadn't been an accident, just to save face. That guy is not going on my list. But for county and higher ed jobs and the like the references are all part of the dance. Sooo stupid, but they think they can know about your very soul based on who you give as references and subtle comments a reference might say ("she said she was an 'exceptional worker' not that her work was 'exceptional' Hmmmmmm...") Dumb as hell but a big part of my anxiety when applying for jobs. And of course I exaggerate (except the puppy story really happened. No, it didn't) but it ain't no small thing.

It's against corporate law or something for anyone at my night job to do anything but give them a corporate number where they will say that I either work for them or I don't. I don't want to ask anyone here at the day job because I honestly think it would put me in a bad position like "what do you MEAN you're looking for another job how dare you" kind of thing. Not with everyone, but there isn't anyone I can trust or know enough to broach the subject. The job at the second college, well you know that was the nightmare of my working life...the one reference I feel bad about asking for a ref. yet again is my old colleague from there and the only one I have kept in any kind of touch with.

Oh, and forgot also to thank UT for the song lyrics/link. Very nice! :)

Oh, see, half the time I very much enjoy telemarketer calls, because I give the phone to my kids. "Honey, I need you to explain your school's tornado drill procedure to this guy. He's really interested!" They get that it's a joke, and they love torturing them. Our goal is to get them to hang up first, because they're really not supposed to. You'd actually be surprised how many are super sweet and have real, extended conversations with them. It's a shitty job, and they're grateful for the break.

Telemarketers being tortured

Telemarketers being keelhauled



Enjoy!


Closed Captioning, where available, adds to the hilarity.

If they are like the the Trump one I'm done. I was getting aggravated for the caller, lol.

IM ... oh stop. You know you are teh awesome. I've been a reference for dozens of people as well. I got a call ... maybe two over the years. No worries. My guess is IF they call as you say, they are doing it more to justify that they made the call than to actually find out anything. Heck who gives their enemies as a reference? Everyone gives someone who will answer the questions the right way. Heck, write me a story and put me on there as a reference. I'll tell them everything you want them to hear. ;)

As for Clod ... I'm so with you, I *HAVE* to answer the phone when it rings. I am, according to everyone who knows me, incapable of letting it ring.
Its even worse now as the calls from work are forwarded to me and I get all kinds of stupid crap at all hours of the day.