The Black Dog
 

I'm really struggling lately to keep the black dog at bay. It's been a tough year, but I've tried really hard to stay focused on positive things. I think a big part of the problem is that my health has not been good. I started the year with glandular fever, just started feeling on top of game then slammed my hand in the door. Have been dealing with that for 6 months and am just now recovering from a severe sinus infection. Of course there's been my marriage break down and coming to terms with the realisation that it's probably never going to be repaired, and working on top of that and dealing with my oldest son basically being estranged from the family for the whole time (more or less). eta: Also, the drug trial for my psoriasis ended so my skin is way out of control, which has been a struggle getting used to again too.

Do I have a right to feel depressed and should I be giving myself permission to grieve or do I need to go see my doc? I wouldn't say I'm an expert on depression, but I do know what it feels like, and right now, that's how I'm feeling. I really don't care about seeing anyone, and I really don't care much about anyone else's whining, and I have no compassion because I feel like everyone else should just get over it because I have better things to worry about, like myself, but I really don't give a shit about me either. I feel like I could walk under a bus today and it wouldn't matter anyway. Everything just feels pointless.

Depressed? Hell no, you should be slapping yourself on the back, and buying yourself a bauble, to celebrate getting through all that shit.

♪ You've paid your dues
Time after time
You've done your sentence
But committed no crime
And bad mistakes
You've made a few
You've had your share of sand
Kicked in your face
♫But you've come through

And you mean to go on and on and on and on

♫You are the champion - my friends
And you'll keep on fighting
Till the end
You are the champion
You are the champion
No time for losers
'Cause you are the champion of the World ♪

What Mr. B said

That black dog looks pretty nice.

You've been through so much this year - as monster once said to me, you didn't think you'd get through all this without some depression, did you?

Give yourself permission to grieve AND go see your doc. Sometimes life screws up our neurotransmitters and a little help from medication goes a long way. Sometimes a little talk therapy can do wonders. Depression doesn't tend to get better by itself, people don't will themselves out of it. If you're feeling like everything is pointless and you could walk under a bus without it mattering, get thee to a doctor posthaste!

You're a good, strong person who has taken too many hits. No shame in asking for a little help. We all need it sometimes. Many hugs.

What ortho said. Not all black dogs are as cute as the one sexo posted.


Sent by thought transference

exactly.

you are allowed to feel like shit. But don't walk under a bus. Go see your doc and get some help to at least get the shit to a bearable point until the buses look like opportunities to jump on rather than under.

When you're going through hell, keep going

I don't think staying where I am is an option anyway.

Can we emphasize that ... yes we can:

Do you have a close friend you can talk with without worrying about it going any further? Even if they have no suggestions, sometimes just having to organize your thoughts, and say it out loud, helps put everything is perspective. Then you can set your priorities and maybe can figure out how to move on.

I know when a bunch of shit would start piling on, I'd think about one and all the worst case scenarios until I felt defeated, then jump to the next one in my head and take the same ride. But if I could put all but one priority on the back burner I could actually make progress. Sometime I couldn't completely fix the one I was working on before the back burner started boiling over, but a little progress and getting one stabilized until I could get back to it, was a big boost. YMMV.

I'm not an OBGYN, and never played one on TV, but I'll take a shot at it. :blush:

Gotta do what it takes to get your dreams back.

You're entertaining me sexo...if nothing else. haha

Thanks for all the kind words. I think I will go to the doc for a chat. For the most part I'm plodding along, but I've lost the spring in my step lately. Usually I love Christmas and drive everyone batty with my excitement, and I'm really sad that I'm not feeling it this year, even though I've got everything sorted nicely and it should be a really special day for all of us.

I just want to get my groove back. Like Stella.

Bruce, I have a good support network around me, but I really just want my Mum. I'm having so much trouble missing her still after more than 12 years. Still seems like yesterday, and if she were here, this year would have been so much less disastrous.

I fucking hate cancer.

That's cool, if a network works for you.

Well, there are a few good friends I can talk to, but really it doesn't help that much. Yeah, it's nice when someone listens, but in the end I'm the one who has to deal with it all. The only one with answers is me really. I know what I need to do. I just need to flip that switch in my head, but there's a part of me that kind of likes feeling sad or something. It's like a drug. It's hard to fight. I quit smoking and other things in my life. I'm sure I can quit this too.

Chin up, you've been through the wringer.

Have you tried a ménage à trois in public during daylight? :haha:

It's impossible to fight. That's the Pain Body. It's NOT a part of YOU. It is it's own entity and It want's to survive.

It wants to, but the only way it can is if you feed it. It is not you. You are not your thoughts. You are the thinker. Separate yourself from that feeling when you notice it, and remind yourself that you are safe and sound, and that, in THIS MOMENT, you are OK. Nothing is lacking.

Thanks Jim.

Just hoping that helps you some. The book is called The Power of Now. I'm sure you're all sick of me bringing it up, but it's the most useful thing I've ever read.

I had a book called Awareness by Anthony DeMello. It was the same for me. I found it really uplifting and thought provoking. I loaned it to someone who didn't return it. I can't remember who it was and it's something I need to fix. I think I might go buy another copy if I can find it anywhere.

PM me your address and I'll have it delivered.
http://www.amazon.com/Awareness-The-.../dp/0385249373

That's very kind Bruce. x I'll sort it out though. It's only a small paperback, so much cheaper for me to have a look in the bookstore and buy it here. :)

Wow. That really resonates. I have totally been there.

So I went to the library yesterday. Signed up for next year's health insurance. It's going to cost way more than I think I can afford, but what the government thinks I can afford isn't exactly the same thing. If I quit one of my jobs it would be free. But then there's less money. I don't know what's more cost-effective but I suspect it would be to quit a job. Not happening.

So this thread has been on my mind, the way my thoughts take over. I went to look for that Power of Now book. Online card catalog said 'available.' But it wasn't there where it was supposed to be. Looked all over the surrounding shelves. Nope. I guess someone who would rather steal than just get a library card. Or it was just misplaced. But the stealing was where my thoughts went. Huh. Jaded, I am. You might be too if you dealt with some of the stuff I saw in Higher Ed and what I see now in Public Defender's office. I fight that, try to keep some of the ideals I had when I was younger. But sometimes I'm too tired to fight it.

But anyway, I'll keep an eye out for it because it sounds like a good read.

And it's comforting to know others go through this too. Not that I want others to go through it, it just makes me feel less freakish. More human. So, thanks for the thread.

I've got two copies coming from amazon today. PM me your address..

until then click here for a pdf

I have this on audiobook, and I've listened to it 4 times or more.... and each time, some different part stands out to me. I think I need to read it again, just to remind myself to stay present.

From over here, I can tell you that you seem 100% human and 0% freak.

Damn jim, that's really nice. I'm not good at letting people do nice things for me. I'll take you up on it if you let me pay, and it doesn't cost too much. :facepalm: (I know, I know. I'm impossible.)

That's 'cause you're way over there. :o I hear tell that if people REALLY knew me they would hate me.

See what I do to me?

(You guys are so kind. Thanks.)

These people are lying. We know they are. And you do, too! :heart-on:

Like I tell my kids, just because you hear something offensive does not mean you get to repeat it. That guy was a dickhead and doesn't get to control you this long after the fact.

Inf, you ain't a freak - people who say shit like the above and feel entitled to fuck with someone else's peace of mind for kicks or their own self-aggrandisement are the freaks.

Oh, and let Jim give you that book as a Christmas present, hey? On behalf of all of us at teh Cellar?
Pretty please?

It was $9. You can pay me by giving it to someone who needs it more than you do once you're done reading it. let's have that addy.

This kind of interaction keeps reminding me how good some people are. Luv teh cellar peeps.

You guys...I have an extra spring in my step at work tonight. Thanks. :biggrinlo

This is the true!

:thumb:

Re "You're really a freak" comment.

IM, you're not. A simpler explanation is that the person who says that is just wrong. Just wrong.

It's a hateful, hurtful thing to say to someone, I won't try to explain the motivation cause I don't know. It's just mean mean and wrong. Don't buy it.

I don't think there was such a comment V. It seems you've consolidated comments made by infi herself and comments made by others. Maybe it's not too late to get your money back on that speed reading class.

The comment was that if people really knew me they wouldn't like me. I was the one who called myself a freak. But it all illustrates the pattern of emotional abuse and its long-term effects.

And anyway, I appreciate bigv's sentiment. You all have done me a world of good.

:)

Who really knows anyone? Inf, you're fine, people are assholes. and that's all there is to it. If someone doesn't like you/anyone, it's a reflection on them, not you/the people they don't like. Unless we're talking not liking Donald Trump.

That's true monster. People that don't like something about you, almost always dislike that same thing about themselves

I would take freak as a compliment.:cool:

So would I.

Pink elephants, the black dog, white mice ... etc. The animals deserve a chance to redeem themselves. Here goes:

Let your freak flag fly, baby!