try not to compare your insides to their outsides
 

A friend posted this on facebook and I liked it. I suspect most of us do this and we'd be a lot happier if we didn't.

I like the idea of radical self-care. I think when you politely but confidently do what's best for you, it gives other people inspiration to do the same for themselves, which always works out better than if I try to accommodate all of your needs while you're busy trying to accommodate all of mine.

Yah, most people have their own built in damage.... Except glatt. That prick has his shit together.

Having met glatt, even though briefly, I would agree.

Still, at this late date, trying to get my own shit together; radical self-care is definitely a start.

This is always a bad idea. I think it is the rock on which many relationships founder.

Sent by thought transference

or dashed to the tiniest of smithers.

Thanks for your kind words guys. It's all relative though. I've got my insecurities just like everyone else. I'm quite the introvert, and that can be a little awkward when going to a guy's night or something like that and everyone is joking around and I just sit there quietly, making only an occasional comment.

And at work. Ugh. My boss is nearing retirement age, and I'm her assistant, holding a very specific and fairly small managerial role too. And the thought of becoming responsible for this whole department when she leaves fills me with anxiety. But I feel like I have to try to take her position when she leaves, because I'm the obvious choice to fill it. But it matches up with all my weaknesses.

But hey, I'll project calmness and confidence if that's helpful to everyone else. Faking it is half the battle.

Preach it!

That was how I got through all that public engagement crap you have to do as a councillor. And teaching. In both cases the idea of doing what i was about to do scared me shitless - so I played the part til I could do it for real.

This is a great thread with great comments. Comparing my insides to others' outsides has always been a big issue with me.

And faking it until making it...can be hard as hell but it works.

Oh Hell, me too. It was the bane of my youth, that. I'm not as bad about it now as I used to be. I think I got the message somewhere round my early 30s -but I still forget and have to remind myself from time to time.

My shrink tells me every time I see her that NO ONE has their shit together. At all. Everyone is engaged in some sort of clusterfuck. She's been in the game over 25 years and has heard it all.

I believe her.

So, for me, that fact makes it even worse because I wonder why in the fuck people need to be faking shit all the fucking time. I don't think it's 'faking it until making it' I think it's a bunch of phony I'm so great shit. I'm so great and nothing is wrong so you must be a real piece of shit because everything is wrong with you.

Which is my perception and obviously the whole point of 'don't compare your insides to their outsides.' That right there is that 'rub' of lore of yore.

I needed this mantra this weekend when people were judging/criticizing me for my massive diet coke consumption (as I sat for hour after hour at the score table because not enough people volunteered). It is true, it is one of my demons ...but just one of them and not terribly high up on my exorcism list right now.

As I was driving back to the school for the second dose on Saturday, I found myself crying as I was driving and trying to gee myself up to tell them about how it hurt my feelings because I do know it's bad for me but...... and then I thought "wait, maybe they are comparing their insides to my outside and don't realize I'm screwed up too and will be hurt....." And it worked. By the time I got there, I didn't need to tell them any more. I realized people think I have my shit together when really I don't and I felt better and able to deal with it.

....and then some lovely person brought me two huge bottles of diet coke and I wanted to hug her for not judging me. And I'm not huggy.

Ooh, that's an excellent point as well--not just to understand that other people don't have their shit together, but that they probably mistakenly think that you do have your shit together, and may act accordingly defensive.

I'm glad you got your diet cokes. :)

You're right, this is such an important lesson.


I remember some years ago, a friend of mine was having a really tough time with some stuff. I was consoling her - she was very down on herself - and somewhere in the middle of that she said something along the lines of 'it's alright for you ...' and then words to the effect that I had my shit together and knew how to deal with stuff. I remember feeling quite thrown by that because, at the time, I was a fucking mess. I was coming home from work, of an evening, crying into a glass of wine and writing poems about depression. But that's not what other people saw. They, apparently, saw someone who was competant, content, confident and with her shit thoroughly together.

Only if they'd been a dwellar would they have had a clue where I was actually at during that period.


So along with the reminder not to compare our outsides to other people's insides - we need to add a reminder that other people cannot see inside our heads.

Returing to my earlier point about public speaking - knowing that other people can't see your thoughts is very helpful in such situations. You might know you're bricking it, but they don't.

Sometimes Faking it takes half a bottle. We all fake it to a degree but if we over-do it we can reach a tipping point. Make sure self care has a seat at the table.

Excellent point, Griff.

This is a good thread. Lots of obvious in hindsight nuggets in there that never occurred to me.

Excellent read and great advice.
As you may or may not know, my son and I speak regularly for MADD and a few other organizations about Drinking and/or Distracted Driving. One of the things I clearly say up front is that I just wanna have a conversation. This is not going to be a formal prepared speech. I can see a lot of tension melt on their outsides, AND on my insides. I started sharing that about a year ago and it really seems to let ME relax and do a better job of sharing my message instead of thinking ... HOLY CRAP there are 50 -1500 people staring at ME!!!

Hmm...


honestly it triggers my inner cynic more then anything else: it looks to me like one of those things you'd put on the corner of a 'dreamboard" after reading it from a self-help book about how we just aren't focused enough on ourselves enough yet... Kind of part of the wave of enlightened narcissism and self-esteem masturbation.

Here's the thing:
Helping yourself is fantastic... For your well being, which is important, no doubt. But it doesn't make you a great human being for others by "radiating" it on others Helping others takes the effort of actually helping others.
- I helped a neighbor find his missing dog or move or fix something = helping others.
- I made myself feel awesome and sent a neighbor good vibes = not helping others.
I think it's a pretty important difference.

I disagree. That apparent tension between altruism and selfishness is nothing of the sort - they are absolutely, fundamentally and inextricably bound to each other. The selfishness of making oneself feel awesome by helping another, is dependant upon the fact that helping another makes you feel good - we respond at a deep level to altruism.

A much clearer breakpoint would be between helping someone because we want to make them feel awesome - v - helping someone because we want to appear awesome to others.

That's a good point, slightly misses the point I was trying to make but also provides a better way to explain what I meant:

I think the quote in the OP as an attempt to create a shortcut into feeling good about yourself as helpful to others by being your glorious inspiring self-helping self rather then actually helping others, essentially cutting out the middle man - other people.

I took the "Also, ..." in the OP quote to mean that everyone needs help and although you can't always help them you can help keep yourself from being another one of their burdens which will make them so appreciative they will hold you in high regard and want to emulate you.

That was how I read it too.

The understandings don't really contradict, mine comes from the bold: