The State of Stuff
 

So, it's been several months since my marriage broke down. I thought I'd update you all on what's been going on as I've been staying away from here mostly except for cake stuff really. We are still separated, and likely to stay that way for a long time I suspect. Maybe forever.

When we first separated, things were pretty hard for me. He cut me off financially, said he'd made a mistake, but then took weeks to do anything to rectify it. By then, I was so far behind with all my bills and things that it's taken me till this very week to get everything back in the black so to speak. I still have outstanding bills, but they're just normal due bills rather than people calling and threatening to cut off the electricity etc. Fortunately for me, communication with these people was the key, and I was able to negotiate extensions and things. So, this weekend I have been able to breath a little easier and enjoy spending some time with my kids.

All the social services stuff has finally been sorted out so I am getting some help there, plus my cake money, and he is paying the mortgage, so all in all, financially, although things are different, they are under control.

Emotionally, the day he moved out I felt a huge black cloud lift from my shoulders. I still feel that way except when I have to deal with him. I feel it descend every time. The feeling is so obvious, and I wonder how I'd lived like that for years without actually killing someone. It's very sad when you realise how terrible you feel when you're around a person that you're supposed to love and cherish. So, anyway, I started counselling last week. It was good to sit there for an hour and just blurt everything out. I wouldn't say I felt that I'd achieved much, but I guess I told the counsellor the basics. He wants to see me weekly for the next couple of months and thinks he might be able to help me figure out if I actually want to work towards reconciliation for the right reasons, or if this goal is maybe unrealistic.

Daryl has been seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist for quite some time now. Although I don't really see much difference in his behaviours, I think he seems less depressed, but because we're not living together, those types of calls are hard to make. He isn't interested in entering into discussion about how he's feeling, so things remain the same really.

So in a nut shell, that's what's going on. The two big boys are at uni now, and so are their g/f's, so they are all coming and going at different times with classes and work and their fairly low key social lives. They tend to all just hang around together and that happens at my place mostly, so that's nice. The little kids seem to be coping with everything really well. They enjoy going to their fathers on the weekend, and although they only see him then, I think they're actually spending more time with him. He's obviously having a face up to doing some full time parenting on a regular basis too which might be good for his perspective I hope.

So, all in all, things for me are on the up and up. I've been spending time with friends and reconnecting with people I've had to avoid because my husband didn't want to have people at the house etc.

I will post more down the track if anything remarkable happens, but if things just keep going the way they are, I'll be happy for now.

Oh and no, I have not even considered dating. When would I have time anyway. haha

I'm glad things are looking up, Ali, even if it's still more in the category of "less pain" rather than genuine good things. Keep on keepin' on.

Good for you Ali.

Keep moving forward...wherever that may be.

The emotional rollercoaster is bad, but you can deal with in your own way on your own time. But outside pressure that always comes from money problems is relentless. I'm glad that's behind you. Did you arrange to work something out with the pool boy? ;)

You need more yeast ... keep a bottle of Champagne handy.

Maybe sexo, but mostly I just try to be nice and keep the frustration at bay.

Thanks for your kind words everyone. I appreciate it.

Btw, I don't have a pool boy Bruce. Haha. Maybe I will get one some day.

You've got a lot of inner strength Ali keep doing what you have to to build the life you need.

Put it on your to do list :P

Glad you're ok, Ali. And glad the kids are getting along ok with all this goingon. I was thinking about you a couple of days ago - I'd watched something on wild Australian weather - and wondered how you were.

That dark cloud - I recognise that feeling.

Cheering for you Ali.

It is great to read updates like this, positive or negative... hearing the stories is important. Thank you for sharing yours.

Glad to hear things are stabilizing, Ali. You're taking care of the entire family, as always; glad you're taking care of yourself as well. Thanks for the update!

Thanks ladies and gents. Big week coming up for me here. Lots of cake stuff which should all be paid on delivery, so so that will go a long way to getting everything sorted. A local was selling some chep shelving, so I have a new area set up for my supplies and tools, which makes me happy. To think that my little business has grown so much gives me such personal satisfaction. I often think about how far I have come, and I get so excited thinking about how good I could be at my craft by the time I finish what I would consider my apprenticeship. If I say I am now starting my second year, just imagine if I can continue to grow as much every year for the next few years. Then I might start making some real money.

So glad to see this positive update Ali! More power to your elbow!


Sent by thought transference

Well, it's been a week, I hope Aliantha got laid ... I mean paid ... for selling her goodies ... but not those goodies ... for selling CAKE (not pie)!

I'm glad to hear that things are better for you. It's good that your business is progressing nicely. Your skills just get better and better everyday. I really enjoy seeing all your baked goods. I would so order from you if you live closer by.

It's been a month since I posted here, so I thought I'd better give you lot an update.

I have had several sessions with a psychologist who I think is about to give me the brush off. Our last session ended with him suggesting that I just come back in a month and then we'll reassess.

Cakes have been going well. I have quite a few cool ones to share with you soon, but I'll post them in the cupcake thread for those who are interested. :)

In other news, Aden has moved out. A few days after my last post there was a bit of a blow up here between the big boys and Aden thinking I favour Mav (of course Mav thinks I favour Aden, so I'm pretty sure I'm not favouring anyone) and he got the shits and said he might as well move out, so I called his bluff and suggested he might like to give it a go then. So he left. He hasn't gone far. He's living at his girlfriends house with her family. Things have been pretty frosty with him, but I sent him a message earlier this week which has helped. I'll show you what I said.

Anyway, I'm hoping he might come for a visit on the weekend and we can have a proper chat. I'm not really overly concerned about him. He is almost 19 after all. I'd be living out of home for almost 2 years by the time I was his age and the world didn't end then, so it probably wont now. I think he's just going through a bit of a big man stage. Wants to assert his authority on the world, and that's ok. It's just not going to wash with me.

Things with Daryl are about the same. We're not reconciling any time soon, but I am finding it easier to talk to him now. Most of my anger has fizzled out as I've become happier with myself. I'm not affected by his decisions as much as I was and have been able to separate my emotions.

Gotta go. My friend is here. Be back later.

Can I have Aden's room?

I'd edit out the names before they because they're Google searchable. Otherwise, you go, girl. ;)

Too late to edit. :) If a mod feels like doing so they can, and I'd appreciate it. I didn't think of it when I copied and pasted.

No sexo, you can't have his room. haha

Last names removed.

And, very well stated, thank you for sharing it. A lot of this sort of stuff you don't realize until you see your friends start to become parents. That's the first time I thought, oh shit, that's a lot of work... followed by, oh shit, mom had to do all that work. For me!

Kids are a lot of work. Anyone who thinks otherwise isn't doing it right. I think my boys are pretty level headed and generally good people, but They still require a lot of guidance and help. I have saved a lot on the food bill lately though. Haha

Ali, I think you handled the letter as a whole beautifully, and believe me when I say that I completely 100% understand what a fucking rage-inducer teenage behavior can be. But as your friend, I feel compelled to say, as kindly as possible, that this:

is a... well, it's unhelpful to your cause.

Your love is your love, and cannot and should not be compared to the "quantity" of love that someone else may or may not feel for him. Beyond the fact that it is objectively impossible for anyone to really know what another person feels (is the red I see the same as your red?,) the implication is that he owes you something--maybe just acknowledgement or respect, if not a reciprocation of those same feelings--for being the "best" at loving him. I know that's not what you meant, but that is how it comes across.

"You will never find someone who loves you as much as I do" says as much about how he is borderline unlovable as it does about how good you are at loving him. It's the kind of phrase that is never intended to hurt, but pretty much always does.

As it was explained to me, by my Mother. "A Mothers Love cannot be described in words".

What did she use to tell you that

And when was the last time youze guys thanked Mom for wiping your shitty ass and snotty nose? :eyebrow:

Interpretive dance and Mongolian throat singing?

Clod, I just meant that no one can ever love another as unconditionally as a mother loves her child. I think he probably got the point.

I don't know if he got that point or not, it really depends on the kid. It depends on the kid and the mood and the time of day and their level of introspection and their current state of romantic affairs and a zillion other things. For those of us who are prone to overthinking stuff (like this), Clodfobble is absolutely on point. The rest of you enjoy your advantages of plain, simple understanding.

Your letter is beautiful Aliantha. Your kids are beautiful young people too. And Aden's your first beautiful young adult. This separation (your first, right?) is just as agonizing as the arrival of your first baby. Ho--lee crabcakes?!!?!?!?!? What now??! etc.

Seriously? Normal. HIGH DRAMA, yes, but as long as no permanent damage is done, all this pain is ... fair/right/normal/expected/unexpected/unavoidable. Now that I've cleared that up for you... :nuts:

From where I stand, you're doing the right thing, and doing it the best you can. That's all that can be expected from you, even by your young adult child, though he might not know it now. I really, really think things will be ok. All the stuff I've read from you over the years makes me confident that you've raised a solid citizen. This transition from in the house to out of the house is just a ... I don't know... it's necessary. And it's temporary. HA. I mean temporary as in the whole drama of the "I'm leaving!" / "Well get out then!" will pass. But then I reflected (overthinking as usual) and realized that there's another meaning to temporary. He might be back! I know my kids have done that. *sigh*

But the trauma/drama of the initial separation was never equalled, thank FSM.

You guys are gonna be ok. :)

So, the message I sent Aden seems to have helped. We've been talking and exchanging messages most days since then. He hasn't come home, but I think that's probably ok for now. I need to work on Mav and where he's going with things anyway. I tell you, I am sure teenagers are much harder than little kids. Yeah, little kids need the self control and and boundaries and discipline and physical energy, but it's a walk in the park compared to the emotional issues surrounding teenagers. Those creatures can cut a parent to the quick without even giving it a thought, then 10 minutes later come in asking what's for pudding without even batting an eye. Seriously, my boys are compassionate, but they really don't seem to realise how self absorbed they are. Is that the same with all teenagers? haha Pretty sure it is. That's what all my friends say anyway. Things are better now though, so that's good.

In other news, I think my shrink is trying to give me the heave ho. He told me not to come back for a month after our last visit. I guess that's ok too.

Besides that, my life revolves around cakes these days, and things are proceeding nicely. I did have a discussion with Daryl about him actually keeping the kids for the whole weekend instead of bringing them back just after lunch on Sundays. My reasoning is that I really only have the two days they're with him to really go hard on building my business, so I need the full two days. I need this business to succeed so that my finances don't depend on anyone but myself. When I first agreed to let him provide for me financially it was a really big thing for me, and I need to get back to where I was before. That is my main goal this year. To not need to rely on handouts from anyone, including him. I must succeed. There is no other option. Thankfully, I think I will. I feel pretty confident. :)

So anyway, that's a bit more drivel for you to digest. Lucky buggers aren't you? haha

funny fuckers, you two.


Ali,
I just saw this thread, I'm not here as much as I used to be, either. For example I had no idea that infi was a cannibal. Go figure.

I recognize a lot of what you are going through, though I don't really know the specifics. I will try to write more when I have some time, for now I'll just say shrinks aren't one size fits all. Look around for someone who deals with your specific situation. I finally found someone who has experience dealing with depression and PTSD who has really helped me. It took a while to find someone whose therapeutic technique and personality fit with me.

Not sure what the whole Aussie take on psychology is in general.

Glad to read you are making strides.

Good choice of words, surrounding suggests the emotions of everyone around them, not them.
Just because the parent is on an emotional roller coaster doesn't mean the teen is.
Maybe because they are oblivious to the parents emotional fragility since they themselves are emotionally stable.

http://cellar.org/2012/bwekk.gif

Correct on both counts Bruce. Haha. Well, that's my take on it anyway.

Foots, I have been reading your thread, even before it was redone, so I would say it looks like you are doing it a bit tougher than me. I hope things get better.

I honestly feel that emotionally I am the strongest I have been in years. I would actually go so far as to say since ever. I feel like a grown up finally if that makes any sense. I have a new confidence in my ability to make the right decisions, and I have learned to accept that I am not perfect and anyone who expects me to be probably needs to address that issue with themself.

I think all it really means that my self esteem is on the up and up. I know that even if I make a wrong choice, I did it with the best intentions, so I am not having the internal struggles I once had.

Life is good. :)

Then welcome to adult.

You'll be sorry. :haha:

this message will be brief. i have broken my hand. shut it in a door. i will have plaster for 4 weeks or so. not happy about it, but thats life. i have a wedding cake due friday. lets find out how amazing i can be. haha

Ouch! Oh, honey - that totally sucks.

Life has been a rollercoaster so she said, Lord, gimme a break. Who says prayers aren't answered. :blush:

Oh No!

Wow, Ali. Hope the boys are helping out in whatever way they can...

I'm sorry about your hand, Ali. Damn.

Fuckin' A! That's the spirit!!!

She should have been more specific. She should have broken off a piece of one of those Kit Kat bars on the cupcake cake.

If she gets that wedding cake done for Friday, we may hear the sound of one hand clapping!

I did manage it sexo, and my customer was pleased. :)

Oh, and thanks for the kind words everyone. I went to fracture clinic during the week and they decided to take the cast off and give me a splint instead because the ct scans indicated that I have arthritis in every join that was scanned, so they were concerned about the joints being imobilised. Turns out they were right to be. my fingers would barely bend and I have a lot of joint pain. I have to see an OT for a while now, and also go see a rheumatologist for treatment.

Turns out my biggest problem is getting old.

Obviously I just can't have arthritis. If it advances it will quash any dreams I have of being a cake artist.

Arthrites are little pointy speedboats which travel through the blood stream. They are built by the 1% of bacteria in the body who feel they are too privileged to swim like the plebeian bacteria. They have to be careful negotiating rapids(joints), but sometimes they get drunk and fail, causing the speedboats to get stuck in the joints. Worse they are laughed at and ridiculed by their peers, and by the 99% bacteria. Over time these wrecked speedboats build up in the joints causing stiffness and pain commonly called arthritis. So the obvious remedy is to soundly smack each joint with a hammer to break up the annoying speedboats, and drink lots of alcohol facilitate washing the debris away. Your mileage may vary. :rolleyes:

I suppose Remicade is the BMFH with an attitude that shoots frickin' lasers.

Thank God for Remicade.

First... I am sorry for what you are going through, it's a rough state to be in. I would like to give my 3 cents on the letter to your son, because that seems to have the highest potential for lasting consequences. Whether you agree with m or not, take it or leave it, up to you.

The first part Clodfobble pretty much already said it:
That strikes me with much of the same meaning. I get what you are trying to say, in that you feel so much love for him you don't think it can ever be matched, but it has the unintended consequence of devaluing him in a kind of possessive way - telling him he can only ever get it from you - which actually makes a bit of sense, with your husband just leaving and now him seeming to go the same route, it's natural you might on some level fear loosing him.

The second one - and that's a big one - is blaming him for "choosing to feel angry".... were you choosing to feel that "dark cloud" during your relationship? If things worked that way everyone would be happy all the time. Some people do have some self discipline regarding what they allow themselves to think of and thus what feelings get built up inside, but its a relatively rare characteristic (And can be as destructive as it is helpful, so if your son doesn't have it you are probably better off).

That combines with the 3rd one... I don't know how it is with your son, but I know for myself, if I was angry at someone, that kind of letter would never help me forgive them. In his position I might put the anger aside for the benefit of the relationship with the brother or even the family as a whole, but it would actually make it harder to forgive whatever it was that I might be angry about, which would mean that the best case scenario in reaction to that letter would be stomaching it until it surfaces again (Worst case scenario - incite him to give up completely).
I do know there are some universal elements to this - we know from the extreme case of trauma victims, which I am not saying he is but I believe this is true for lesser offenses as well, that the healing starts when the perpetrator acknowledges and admits to what they have done, acknowledges how they've impacted the victim and expresses regret. Which makes perfect sense, as long as the other person doesn't show they believe they shouldn't have done something then there's no good reason to put aside the fear they wouldn't do it again.
Even if you did nothing wrong and all is well, his anger suggests that's now how he experiences things. Saying how you've always done the best you could have with what you've known at the time puts you in a very good light, and might be how you genuinely feel, but from his perspective it would more likely then not serve as denial for whatever pain is underlining the anger.
Until you swivel around the issues and find the perspective from which his anger is legitimate, his own perspective, even if it makes you feel shitty as hell while you do it, and it almost certainly will, you won't be able to see where he's coming from, why he thinks whatever he does, and how you can make sure he won't feel like that in the future and help him heal the pain he IS experiencing.
...And this is the important bolding - it might not be your fault, it might be disproportional (At that age it's almost certainly is), it might even be derived of complete misunderstandings or an outright bullshit set of values, but he is experiencing it, or he wouldn't be acting this way. It is real for him.

You should probably look at the dates on posts. That part is pretty old. My message to my son had the intended effect. He understood what I meant.

Writing to someone who knows you well, and is intimately familiar with events you refer to, is a huge advantage. They know where you're coming from.

It says to me it's from april this year...

Glad it worked though :)

A lot can happen in a few months.

Soo, I still have quite a lot of pain and stiffness in my hand which is making it difficult to work efficiently. My OT gave me a server during the week and told me not to lift anything more than about 1 pound, and even then it should be as little as possible. He thinks I have some badly torn ligaments which will only heal with rest. On the other hand, the severity of my arthritis means that my hand can't be imobilised. It's a suckful situation.