Ask the Transperson
 

I do a support/information/outreach thing on IRC. It's been pretty successful overall. I have read practically everything written by/about transpeople. I am going through my own (difficult) transition.

I've been through the wringer and have survived (so far).

A lot of beginning transfolk have told me that they look up to me as a mentor (!)

I would like to know, would anyone here be interested in asking the tranny a question? It can be about almost anything. Please don't turn it into Embarrass the Tranny though. There ARE limits!

I will answer any question you ask, even anonymously. I will try to do so honestly and correctly, and will include references or footnotes if necessary.

I know that a lot of cisfolk (that's YOU) are just not informed or educated on our plight. Most will never even MEET one of us. We tend to be a shy and reclusive lot. So, any takers?

Why do you suppose that is?

Pronouns confuse me in this context. Can you give me any widely acceptable terms to use? "Transperson" does not fall trippingly from the tongue.

I am not the appropriate person to ask in this thread.

I'm directing my question to Pamela, if that's what you were referring to UT, since she's offering insights.

Do you think the extra cost of a six speed trans, over a four, is worth the expense?

Just kidding you. ;)
Wouldn't most people going to all the trouble and expense of a procedure you don't see every day... well you do, but most of the great unwashed don't... almost automatically get thrust into the teacher/mentor role?

Seems that role would be a natural for you because being a little older you've been out there dealing with life and the world...

Is there one thing that comes to mind that would make your transition easier?

What might someone do or not do to support your transition? What do you wish people in general would do differently in regards to the new you?

I can surely relate to your transition in a way. Not transgender but my own transition is OUT of the US.

Americans ( or westerners ) don't understand it, don't agree with it, and don't support it but this is the new me. The first time that I left North America I felt different. Better. Freer. Since then I've been working at getting out for good. Despite the majority of the world's population trying to get IN to the US, I'm getting out. For good.

That's not as drastic of a change as you've made but in that way I can sympathize with the challenges of your journey.

A list of potential questions is too long. However start with the obvious. What question addresses a most problematic plight? What is/are a greatest difficulty?

You mean other than you?

: )))) just kidding, couldn't resist, when I was teaching I had a comeback for everyone like you who had to preface a question with their methodology for deriving it

We understand just fine, you've gone native. We don't have any problem with that. You've simply failed to understand that charity begins at home. You've made your choices, now live with them, we have.

Certainly. Please use the pronouns that correspond to the gender that the person in question is presenting to you, even if you aren't "fooled". If still in doubt, it is not offensive to simply ask "What pronouns do you prefer?"

Great question.

I am not familiar with your situation (I've been away for a long time) but I can sympathize and I have even considered moving out myself.

The best thing people can do to make this easier on me is to simply use my new name and gender pronouns. I still get a lot of people who use the OLD ones. I can understand that you knew me for many years as Brian, but please, try to make the effort. We will really appreiate it and every time we hear our new name, it is enpowering and affirming in ways that defy articulation.

Love

Pam

Please limit yourself to only a few at a time. I prefer bullet presentation so that I can edit in my answers. Do your worst! :)


Oh, my most problematic plight? I can really live without the death threats. I've gotten two so far, with one coming along with attempts to run me off the highway. Fortunately, I was able to evade the jerks. But that's the most obvious plight.

Why is it that some people think that it's all right to harm us? I have my theories but no real research to back them up. I am waiting for a university or government grant.

Are you doing this because you feel wrong inside your skin? like you really SHOULD have been a chick?

and if that's a yes...what if, when it's all complete.... you STILL feel wrong inside your skin?

I have no idea. Perhaps there are Ls aboard that we don't know about and they have chosen not to tell everyone.

After all, I don't recall you announcing YOUR personal taste in partners! :)

It's just a preference. Being gay (or straight or whatever) isn't very important, especially here in a forum. I prefer knowing someone's mind. Are they intellectually stimulating? Yep. That's what *I* look for first.

Good one! You been talking to my psychologist?

The "born in the wrong body" analogy is not quite what we feel but it's a simple and fairly accurate representation that can be conveyed to non-trans people who cannot imagine how we feel.

I look at it like this. I *was* born a chick. Been one all my life. I just have this litle birth defect. I got a shot of testosterone at the wrong time during my development (or perhaps I was exposed to DES in utero). Whatever happened, I was born with functional male genitals, prompting my attending doctor to announce "It's a boy!" when it was really a girl!

I was thus told all my life that I was a boy, and that boys don't cry, or have sweet sixteens, or wear pretty clothes, or makeup etc etc.

Over forty years of conditioning and training are very difficult to overcome. The incorrect hormone cocktail that I had growing up was wrong for me, made me feel terrible and awkward and confused. The secondary effects like hair all over and cracking and deepening voice and such horrified me. Inside, I was screaming. But I learned not to talk about such things early.

As for surgery, not everyone is a candidate for surgery, and not everyone can afford the $20,000 or more that it costs. Few insurance plans cover it. I know neither of mine do. We are specifically excluded. I hope that changes in the future.

Should I get my bottom surgery (I assume that's what you are referring to), I am certain that I will not regret it, as some have. Not everyone who wants the change should have it.

See here for some examples of regrets.

To be sure, I have as part of my transition team, a very experienced gender therapist who has counseled countless of my brothers and sisters and seen many through the entire transition including the surgery and beyond. I know that surgery is permanent and irreversible and I want to be absolutely certain before anyone cuts on me. And I will be, however I decide.

Thanks!

Pam

Is it reasonable to assume greatest threats (both in numbers and credibility) are from hetrosexual males?

Is that 'plight' overwhelmingly the most serious problem? Or do other plights of equivalent magnitude exist?

How has ending your posts with "Love Pam" worked for you?

For awhile after you introduced yourself, it was in almost every post ... which I found annoying. Now it's not as frequent. To me, a person doing such generally comes across as frivolous or disingenuous depending on their other personality traits. I don't consider it a positive attribute. In your case; however, it seems to be a technique for lowering barriers. Maybe it has even worked well enough for you to suggest it to others.

I get a lot of Trans questions through one of my part time jobs, which includes managing a web site for MtoF transsexuals to help them develope their female voice.
I can't count how many times people assuming I'm trans have asked me about my transition and how I adjusted to peeing, etc. :-)

I guess my question would really be for your wife. I totally get loving the person you are, and that is irrelevant to gender. When it comes to sex and sexual attraction is that an issue for her? If so, in what ways are the two if you addressing it? I guess the question becomes more poignant if you have bottom surgery.

... but then I wasn't soliciting for contributions.

That makes sense and I'll surely remember that.

I am honestly uncomfortable with some transpersons and catch myself staring at them. If they are older or self confident they might smile to break my stare to which I'll smile back and make a little friendly small talk as if to say "oops, sorry about that". :)

Can you really identify a transgender person from others? Or only see the fewer that are in transition?

What does my temporary hardship have to do with Pam's transperson subject here? Nothing. You've gone out of your way to be snarky when you need not be.

People here raise money for friends regularly. If you're not my friend, that's a tragedy, but try to stick to the subject matter instead of trying to show everyone how incredibly witty you are busting my chops.

Thank you and goodbye.

That's a good question TW.

I'm not sure. That seems likely.

Look who's talking:

Slang you ignorant second worlder. You implied that not only all Americans; but, all westerners are too stupid to understand why someone raised here would rather live somewhere else. You further implied that no Americans (or westerners) agree with your moving out and that none of them support it. I'm not only happy an insolent pompous ass like you wanted to leave, I would have contributed to having you exported. I'm thrilled with the new you ... being somewhere else, for good. :eyebrow:

Other that that, Happy New Year to you and yours, good looking family. :celebrat:

I've known a few TG people in real life. One was very obvious, and continues to be. She has been supported by her employer and lives completely as a woman, but she does look very much like a man. Then again she didn't even begin her physical journey until she was into her 50s and I believe this makes a difference.

Another is as Shel describes, but from the opposite perspective. People assume he is gay and are surprised he has a girlfirend. Both of them have had to deal with some cold shoulders from the lesbian community who they once viewed as family. He for not feeling being a woman was good enough, she for "becoming" heterosexual for sticking by the person she loved regardless of changing gender.

Those are statements not questions of course.

My question is, if money had been no object, would you have transitioned sooner? Or was it cultural/ societal issues which held you back? Or did you simply start to make your changes when you were emotionally comfortable with doing so? That's not really three questions, because one answer will suffice :blush:

And is there any good TG literature out there?

Fiction or memoirs written from an informed perspective have always helped me to understand different lifestyles more than any number of texts or documentaries. For example, although I can never really feel the impact of AIDs on the gay community, I have a heck of a lot more empathy since Derek Jarman's books sent me down a path of reading various (well-written) memoirs. It was another world which only ran parallel to the one I lived in at the time.

Yes, you may assume that.

No, I have problems of greater and lesser status. Life is fluid, so each item may change priorities without notice.

It works pretty well for me overall. You are the only person to even mention it.

I use it both as a way to allow my inner light to shine through as well as a reminder for me to be a more loving person, not the grouch that HE could be at times.

I am a dab hand at lowering barriers and getting people to converse and share rather than talk AT me or around me.

Love and coral lipstick lip prints!

LOL

Pamela

Do please share this website with me. I have been looking for a site on that subject that is not blatant commercialism.

I was wondering when this one would come up.

It allows me to talk a little bit about a sore subject.

My beloved wife and life partner abandoned me for greener pastures in September but didn't tell me until the beginning of November. To me, sex is a nonissue and honestly, I don't miss it. She disagrees.

She has informed me (via email) that she intends to divorce me. No counseling, no therapy, no discussing it with me either. Just...gone.

And just like that, my entire life fell apart. I am trying to pick up the pieces but it has been very hard. I have lost my new family that I was just getting to know and like. I lost all my furkids too. She took three and left me with the rest to find homes for. Hardest thing I have ever done. I still cry over it. Luckily, I saved ONE. No one should be forced to choose between their children. NO ONE!!

Losing the house and property is taking longer but is inevitable. Soon, I will be reduced to living in my travel trailer. Perhaps this is a good thing. Keep me humble.

Getting back to the original question, sex is not important to me at all. The chemical cocktail that I take to suppress testosterone is powerful and causes chemical castration. It also frees me ffrom the male libido. You have NO idea how powerful that monster is! :D

She decided that sex IS important enough to her that she is not interested in me as a sex partner. She feels that she married a man and when that changed, she was short-changed and wanted to find someone more to her liking. This, I understand. I'm not fighting the divorce nor am I demanding spousal support (which I am entitled to by law). She can go try to find someone else. Good luck and good riddance.

I will cry about it on my therapist's shoulder, once I can afford to see her again.

No, don't apologise. This was going to come up sooner or later. I'm OK.

Pamela

Please don't stare at us.. We get self-conscious easily. :)

Why are you uncomfortable with some but not all?

Is it that they are less "passable" and you start thinking "man in a dress" rather than a late-blooming woman trying to overcome a medical handicap and discover her true self?

The smart ones will smile at you to let you know that they are aware of you. The ones who may be coming out for the first time in public may react by running away (we overreact a LOT in the beginning stages)

Remember, our new hormones are necessarily more powerful than the ones natal females get, resulting in a second puberty with all the attendant drama PLUS the difficulty of trying to shed the stigma and social disapproval. I have literally talked more than one of my sisters out of a closet or out from under a bed because of situations like that.

"reading" or "clocking" us is not difficult sometimes, but please do not advertise it. The etiquette is to pretend that you don't know, even if you do. And never NEVER out someone. Just because YOU know they are trans does not mean that everyone does and pointing it out in any way can and has placed them in danger. You handle it almost correctly. Simply smile and make small talk as if nothing was out of the ordinary.

She will appreciate you for it.

Love

Pamela

Yes, I can generally tell us from our cisgendered kin. After staring in the mirror at myself and noting all the shortcomings and differences, I have a practiced eye for the techniques that we use to blend in. I can usually (but not always) spot one of my sister's "tells". But it should be noted that they can also spot mine. Etiquette demands that I not notice and continue as normal. I do, however, offer the secret handshake and wink. LOL

Pamela

Yes, it DOES make a difference when we begin later in life rather than early. The ones these days who begin pre-puberty have it the best; they will never have to go through the "wrong" puberty and suffer the physical changes.

Obviously, I missed out on the recent gossip. I thought Shel was gay, too. You will have to fill me in. Fe-mail me! :D

No one should transition before they are ready physically and emotionally. To do otherwise invites a negative outcome. I do regret not knowing what Gender Dysphoria was much earlier.

My first exposure to the greater trans-world out there was meeting MaggieL at RichLevy's BBQ so long ago. Until then, I thought I was the only person who felt like this. I felt like a freak, a pervert, a deviant. Once I knew that I wasn't alone and that there was a name for this, I had a direction to look in and research. My local library was not well-stocked in information on our condition, since little such existed at that time. These days, lots of information is a mere Googke search away. Kids have it GOOOOD!

Sure. Try this.

Or jump directly to the .pdf and read.

Hi Pamela. :) Here is the web site:


http://www.heartcorps.com/journeys/voice.htm

Pamela, this has been a great thread, thank you so much for the insight. I'm very sorry about your family falling apart, hopefully you can organize your life the way you need it to be. I'm glad you're part of our community. G

Ask the Transperson
 

Sorry, it was awkward sentence structure on my part. I mean that I knew a F>M TG who people assumed was a gay man. Sheldon was born a gay man with the same package he has now!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Yup. Gay with the original plumbing. :D

does that make you a real OG?

And I take real OG whizzes. Lol

Hmmmm, if transperson = tranny, that would mean cisfolk = ...

HEY! Are you calling me a cissy? :eyebrow:

if the Birkenstock fits....

I must admit, I don't like the term cis (cismale, cisfolk, cisfemale).

Which I realise is a little like someone with an ickle spot on the face complaining like a muthafucka to someone with head to toe eczema....but still :P

I don't like cis either.
I'm a woman.

Pamela is a woman because she identifies as such, except in threads like this where she discusses transgender issues in a way which I find very helpful. I've mentioned the transgender people I know because it's been germane to the conversation. I'd not bring it up if it wasn't.
Ibs never seemed to be 100% sure how she wanted to self-identify, but the last time she was around she was female, so that's how I remember her.

Mum still talks about some of the ladies she knew when she worked in the Ambulance Service as "the lesbians".
Such and such happened when she was on a certain shift with Sandra ("you know, one of the lesbians") :lol:
She's the same about the Asian family that live across the close. Bearing in mind that they're the Hussains she doesn't really need to add this in to conversation, but she does.
"Lovely family, the Hussains. Asians."

Then again she announces any calls I get from the Cellar by nationality.
"Someone called for you. American. Nice clear voice though."

Me as well?


Sent by thought transference

My mom used to give me messages like this: "Ummmmmmm...Scott called...IS HE THE GAY??!!" "Well, God, mom, I don't know if he's the gay...that's a lot of pressure on just one guy. He has to do the parade all by himself! 'I'm here! I'm queer!...I guess I'm the only one.' "

--Margaret Cho

Sorry, Limey.
You are one of the main reasons she's more polite on the phone these days.
I have talked you up in terms of how sensible, responsible and accomplished you are. Which you are. But because she was brought up in a time when people like her knew their place, she's a little intimidated.

A couple of months back I had a call which turned out just to be a marketing call. But she stage-whispered to me, "I think it might be [Limey]".
She's stopped telling my callers to piss off.
I'd like to think it's in case it's you.

Or maybe she's just scared you won't take me off her hands once a year if she annoys you!

Big gay haggis.

Always fun on Burn's night.








What?

Sundae, I identify as female too.

Trouble is, to most people, I am NOT just a girl because I say so. I'm that (insert derogatory slang term here). We tend to hang out in bunches when we go out for many reasons, protection is one of them. Many times, we are used as a joke or as comic relief. To a lot of men, we're just some kind of exotic treat for their oversexed libido. But we're rarely "just women" unless we have "passed" read: fooled them.

We have insider terms too. Our own language even. "cis" anything is simply a way to refer to anyone or anything that is not part of our world. It is not derogatory at all. I meant no offense.

Labels, however much we hate them, are an inevitable part of the human experience.

What NOT to say to transgender people
 

Oh, Pam, I wasn't offended. I just dislike the term. I'm not in the least bit offended by someone using it about me.

I just think it's an ugly word/prefix. Kind of clinical and reductive (obviously - that's the point of labels :p). Truly though, I'm not sure there's a better word to use in a conversation that necessarily draws a distinction between the two different experiences of gender.

Thanks Sheldon but I was thinking more like this:

Re: what not to say ...

I have a standard remark for M-to-F ...

"So, when you started the hormones did you lose the ability to parallel park?" Usually breaks the ice pretty effectively.

Don't try this at home. I'm an experienced mental health professional.

On a more serious note ... a while back at work we admitted a Transgendered patient. I was told that I would be handling the admission because I have displayed cultural competence. Yes. Those words were used.

Hmm. Do they know you lean conservative?

Is that relevant if she has displayed "cultural competence" (by which I understand, among other things, tolerance).

Wolves are generally lean in the Winter.
Not sure about Wolfs.

We do seem to cause conundrums and consternation no matter where we go.

So much fuss over a little thing like a penis that no one even SEES! :)