Mutual Enjoyment Sex Question....
 

I'm in need of some advice about bringing up different and potentially embarrassing sexual topics with my S.O. I don't really feel like giving all the personal details, so I'll use a hypothetical situation... If I had an interest in having my GF change the oil in my car, and I was fairly certain that she wouldn't naturally be open to this idea, and that she might even be offended if it were brought up in a brusk or otherwise inconsiderate manner, how would you recommend I begin discussing it. We're talking about a serious long-term relationship here, so I'm not worried about a quick solution... I'm assuming that taking my time and being patient are a part of the basic package. I realize this sounds rather obtuse, but if anyone has any thoughts, it would be much appreciated.

You wanna fuck her in the ass, right?

nope... and I'd rather not play this guessing game with you guys. If you have any advice, it would be much appreciated.

oh, please?

seriously, your title says it all. mutual. you should feel free to be open and honest with your s.o. about what deviant things you want to do. but make for damn sure youre open to doing whatever freaky stuff you never knew she liked.

communication is key, and make sure that youre willing to reciprocate.

a good trick is to get her talking about what she wants first (and again, being open to it and willing to try) and then start sharing what you want. its not a dirty trick, because likely theres things shes interested in but is nervous about mentioning.

~james

that's pretty much what I figured... I just don't know. I've raised the topic of her fantasies and so forth and it's looking like an uphill battle. I'd actually really enjoy trying new things that she suggests but she has not been particularly forthcoming as yet. Part of the problem is that she ALWAYS gets off a couple of times via the standard channels... I don't want to interupt that, but I can understand the lack of motivation in trying something new. She also tends to be a little embarrassed about discussing this stuff. A female friend of mine offered that it may be the result of a mental conflict between the new-age-feminist ideal about how a woman should think of herself in a relationship and the natural feminine feelings about being a woman and enjoying sex and being sexy.

I'm workin' on it...

Golden showers?

Dave - OK... you really want to know... We saw your Mom's ad and we want to hire her... the only thing is that my GF wants her to come alone and I wanted her to bring the horse too...

Yeh, my mom's dead, so nice try. Fuckface.

awww... I'm really sorry to hear that... guess you don't like people fucking with you either...

She's not really dead. Geez!

I'm not fucking with you, really. I just didn't feel like beating around the bush.

I've had success getting people to do what I want because I'm a manipulative bastard. And I'm willing to teach you how to be one too!

But really all I want is a little something back. You're asking people to share with you, but you don't really wanna share. And I was just trying to open some dialog on you. Granted, it maybe wasn't the most... uh, tactful... way of bringing it about.

By the way... Ponce deLeon, constantly on.

Being serious now, if you do convince her to go for this particular thing, won't you just want the NEXT thing?

Is it really the inability to have this thing that makes it a forbidden fruit to you and thus more intriguing?

I dunno, just throwing stuff out.

It is, by the way.

With one girlfriend (not the current), I wanted to try... BUTTFUCKING!

So we did it like five or six times. And then never again. It was great and everything, but could never be as good as I imagined it to be.

Because it's forbidden, it's that much more exciting. Once you do it, it doesn't seem nearly as cool (unfortunately).

I'm not too worried about "the next thing..." I have one thing in mind. And I should have cleared this up earlier... I have participated in this activity in the past with others and would like to again... AND... This is something I want her to do to me, not the other way around. BTW... thanks for the feedback, keep it comin'... except you dave...

...the fountain of youth, not Robotron...

Finger in the ass.

dude - I told you...

It's ALL about your Mom...

and the horse....

Two words:

Strap on

two words... dave's mom

you guys are not going to guess... most probably wouldn't think of it as sexual anyway... which i part of the reason for my concern in approaching it in those terms to begin with...

You need to learn to communicate with people. Everyone knows how to communicate, of course, but it's a skill that can be improved. But I don't really think the kind of communication you want to make better can be improved on the internet. You just have to practice.

It's been kinda interesting watching you guys go back and forth on this ... (your curiosty to know WHAT he wants to do far outweighs your ability to brainstorm WAYS to get him to be able to do it.)

jmf, as strange as it may seem, why not just try asking?

If this is someone that you've been in a relationship with for some time, have a solid base with, you'll at least generate some discussion, you may end up with the experience you hope for, and may open avenues for a variety of other, well, varieties. ;)

There is still a struggle, incidentally, for women as far as being the sexual initiator in a relationship, particularly if you are dealing with a woman who's a bit older, since the cultural mores changed midstream and you end up fighting between the 'liberated women as sexual being', and the 'nice girl' your mommy trained you to be. This is extra-hard if you grew up catholic, by the way, no matter what the current religious viewpoint or lack there of may be.

No. I'm just not going to share if he won't. What's the point of community if it's all one-way?

dave... you dumbass... how is your off-handed advice on this subject as personally oriented to you as the core of the subject is to me? It would seem that the intensity of your interest in my issue vs. the lack of intensity of my interest in your advice would speak to the difference... if you don't want to offer anything, that's fine with me. I'm not waiting here with baited breath for the advice of someone whose Mom and her horse are available for hire...

And my contention is, what's the point of sharing with someone who is both unwilling to share back and eager to sling pseudo-insults?

I don't care whether or not you care. The last post wasn't directed to you, and your opinion on the matter is irrelevant to me. Do yourself a favor and put me on your ignore list. Do yourself an even bigger favor and forget about this community. Someone who won't give back is useless and a waste of time.

to purport that I am unwilling to give anything, because I am unwilling to give you what is on your mind right now is rather childish... don't you think?

That seems reasonable.

To continue making "your mom" comments is rather childish... don't you think?

absolutely.... it's childish behavior. intentionally childish behavior. that's why it's funny. dumbass... :)

your mom.

~james

And yet, I suppose the notion of me writing my sexual suggestions for humorous effect has entirely escaped your so very obviously nimble mind?

definately not... the difference is that you got pissed off first...

WOOHOO!!!

Yes. Because everyone that knows me knows that fuckwits with fetishes upset me so greatly.

anyone who didn't is finding out today I guess... I don't see why you're even into this with me... It seemed that we were on our way to having a friendly (if mom-joke/insult laden) conversation when you decided that I was unwilling to contribute to your community. I think you'd agree this is an unfair judgement... So what's up dave? You still hate me? Listen... I'm really really really really really really sorry I hurt your feelings. Don't like the mom jokes? that's gonna be too bad... 90% of my jokes start with "Your mom..." but I'll take it a little easy on ya... I'm not trying to piss you all off on the first day, but this is the fucking internet... you gotta have a slightly thicker skin man...

D, is your beef really that jmf posted day one about something intimate, which is rare for newbies... but didn't give us the full monty, which meant he could be just yankin' all our chains?

Well well well we have some very sensitive fucking people here. I think that jmf is better at communicating with us than he is with his S.O. You just need to sit her down do not beat around the bush (no pun intended). If you guys have been with each other as long as you have there should be some form of communication here whatever it be. If she gets pissy or anything at least you tried. There sometimes is no gentle way of sliding in your requests. If she is reasonable she should be proud you actually thought to ask instead of just going ahead with whatever it is you want. I am not putting you down or god forbid trying to offend you but being blunt more times than others is better than hinting at a suject.

Get her to join the discussion. Then ask her.

Resident perv weighs in...
 

I will skip all the irrelevant "your mom" bullshit and the arguing.

I have forgotten more about deviant/kinky/unusual sex practices than most of you will ever know. This includes how to talk a reluctant partner into one or more of these. This is a simple fact that is not in dispute among those who know me well. :rolleyes:

Now then, the answer can depend on wha the act is. Hate to say it but there it is. If we're talking backdoor pumping
m-->f or vice versa, there is no beating around the bush, no easy way to say it, but there is a right way and a wrong way to broach that particular subject.

If we're talking a little slap and tickle, that's easy, but full-on bondage is a different problem altogether. That requires a slow and gradual approach.

Then there is the whole horse thing. That usually requires an intimidating firearm and/or drugs and alcohol.

That all said, the general way to start the discussion is in a romantic, nonthreatening situation. Try a nice dinner out, complete with wine or drinks (just one or two to mellow her out, do NOT get her drunk!). During the coffee (or dessert) phase, try approaching the subject in a fun manner. "Don't throw her into a position of saying yes or no right away.

The idea here is to plant a seed in her mind, which will germinate and grow. The more she thinks about it and tries it out in her mind first, the less scary/intimidating/disgusting the subject at hand may be.

Women are like that. For whatever reason. Just plant the seed and change the subject, unless she wants to discuss it further. She will remember that topic and turn it over in her mind later on, maybe in the comfort of a bubble bath. Rest assured, she will not forget it. But if she comes up to you in two weeks and says "Remember what we talked about at dinner?" Well, I just can't go through with that. Then you have an answer. If, on the other hand, she wants more information, or wants to "talk" some more or flat out says "Let's go for it! Bend over baby!" You're golden.

Otherwise you may have to forget about it. If the unspeakable act you want is so important to you that you cannot go on without it, then you have a serious fetish and you need counselling...possibly marriage counselling. Wolf can better advise you on what to do in that case.

Good luck

Brian

Okay, so here's how I see it:

Option 1)
jmf is truly seeking advice, but is too ashamed / unfamiliar with folks around here / a dork to say what it is he actually wants

Option 2)
His gf is also on this board
a) jmf doesn't want to say what it is he wants because he doesn't want to embarass his gf
b) he is looking for a passive / agressive way to bring up his kink

Option 3)
He's a 14 y/o pimply faced youth (hence the idiotic "yo mama" jokes) who is just looking for a reaction

I'm thinking either Option 2b or 3.

I think one of the reasons why people are so curious as to what your kink is (besides, of course, for the amusement value) is because the advice will vary depending on what you want. I mean, asking someone to lightly tie you up is a lot different than asking someone to tie you up and beat you to a pulp.

Bottom line: Without knowing you or your gf, the best advice is what everyone has said. Talk with her. (Although, preferably not in the heat of the moment. That has "bad idea" written all over it. :))

UT - Two things. One, you and I (and most people that have been here more than a few months) know that I was posting my guesses in a joking manner. I personally don't care what other people are doing.

Then he seemed to get bent out of shape, like there was no joking to be allowed - and there was no way he was going to share what was going on.

Which is fine, but how many people have we had come here and ask for something on their first post without offering anything back? How many of them are still here a month later?

I don't care about chains being yanked, because Christ knows I fuck around with people enough (see example earlier in thread). I fully expect that he's entirely serious. I won't offer advice because I've seen no indication whatsoever that this person is worthy of my time. If you had a question for me, no matter what the topic, I would do my best to answer it - because you've proven that you're here for the community and you're not just using it.

I don't mind someone asking a question on their first post, but when they exhibit a "my life is none of your business - BUT HELP ME OUT!" attitude, yeah... I'm far less likely to be friendly. What do I like about the Cellar? I like that everyone shares and is open. I don't see the usefulness in people that operate to the contrary.

And of course, I brought this all up, though he's the one that started with the insults. The audacity is typical of the immature young male when anonymity is guaranteed. He would have never escalated it in the same manner if we were standing face to face.

So, when you lump all this together... yeah, I don't think he's gonna be here in a year. Save us the fuckin' trouble and just hop off now.

*shrug*

You're probably right. I find it hard to judge users on post one as to whether they're long-termers or potential long-termers.

I really like Jake's #2 option. And if it is the case, wimmen-folk who are reading should respond by asking their men-folk to say what it is they want.

It sure would be nice if we had a checklist. Maybe one of those purity tests. "Hey hon? Could you answer this test, and also rate from 1 to 10 where 1 is the idea makes you want to vomit, and 10 is you've desperately always wanted to do it and, if asked, would do it immediately, perhaps several times in a row if possible."

Then take the test once a year to see if any attitudes have shifted.

"Ask not what your girlfriend can do, ask instead what you can do for your girlfriend!"

Best fucking advice you will ever get on the subject, pal.

I've seen plenty of people respond in the same manner he did in real life. I think your statement applies to you more than it does him.

well this didn't take long... fuck it... I'll catch y'all later.

jmf, try not to take your experience here thus far too personally. This place can be brutal to newbies. Stick around for a while...get to know people, and check out all the various topics. Don't walk away angry or feeling that you wasted your time...seriously.

You didn't like my advice?
 

Chased off in 24 hours? Newbies surrender.

Nobody has beat my record yet, Davey ...

Tim, you're so damned classy, you reek of it.

You know a few people there gave good advise, brian, nightsong et al, judging by that he needs a thicker hide himself or he was just hanking your collective chain. In which case dave being an asshole seems to have done us a favour.

:violin:
Apperantly this guy takes top dog at being a SCHMUCK. There always the pros and cons to asking complete strangers especially when it deals with intimacy !!! People have to be a little more open to opinions. As we all know the saying opinions are like assholes everyone has one...lol. I usually tell people the only time I am serious is if I say seriously other than that I am talking out my ass. :rolleyes: Now since this guy has no sense of humor let alone no sense period. I would not even bother anymore to even wasting my time writing to ease his pathetic hide in this topic.
:violin: To everyone else hey he should be happy we at least tried to help good or bad!

Whatever.

(just to let you know, I am actually as curious as hell to know what he actually wants, too ... not so much from the potential to sit back and nod and note how weird he might be for wanting such a thing, but rather on the off chance that it might be a sufficiently interesting variation that it's worth bringing up myself ... hell, I'll try anything once, after all, twice just to make sure I formed the correct opinion on the first iteration.)

     The part I didn't get was how he could think we could give any specific advice without any specific info. I mean obviously a person would go about seeking oral gratification differently than a little bu-fu (strap-on or standard). It's like asking "How does one cook?" So the nicer people answered, "With proper communication" (even included ways to make that easier) which using the cooking analogy is like saying, "With proper use of heat." (Baked goods usually are good) I just couldn't figure out why he thought such a broad question could be answered particularly well.

Pretty much "I can't even admit to you relatively anonymous folks what kink I'm into much less my *GF*. How can I sound her out on this without admitting I'm into it myself...unless she says 'yes'?" :-)

There ya go; absolute anonymity is available, pretty much, at this point. If the dude wants to ask in more depth, he can; if he wanted to stick around without the baggage of his question, he could start a new account. But to "not REALLY ask" an anonymous bunch is silly.

I just want to nominate David for a Cellars greatest hits here. That was falling out of the chair, down the stairs, out the door, in the car, driving off a cliff funny. Beauty.

     Ya know, with VSP's comment in the Dreams thread I'm just happy nobody suggested a Dirty Sanchez or a Donkey Punch...

Some suggestions...
 

In no particular order....

Get her drunk then bring it up. If it goes well, fine, if not, blame the alcohol and plead no contest.

Find a forum where the *mystery* act is discussed and ask them how they talked their SO into it.

Rent a movie featuring this act (not a porn flick but an otherwise ok flik that has a scene of it). Say something interesting about it when it happens to lower her guard about it then check her reaction. May take some homework to find a movie with someone's Mom and a horse ( :) )but I guarantee there's one out there somewhere.

One other suggestion is to just ask her how she feels about it. If you can't be open about what you really want, that's not entirely good. Sounds like you are afraid she will judge you for it - is that who you want to place your trust in? I'm not asking but you might want to.

Lastly, you need to decide how important *it* is. If you can't be happy with someone who doesn't enjoy *the act* then you might as well come out with it - if she likes it, you are in business if not, time to cut your losses.

     Um... Beestie? These were all good suggestions, all things considered, but do you really think he's still around? I think this thread went from being talking to him to about him a couple of days ago...

Bad advice always free
 

Since it seems everyone else has chimed in on this thread (which should have stopped after Post 2, perhaps with a badum-bum, being a perfect burlesque routine), I have two things to say

To the original poster: Rohyponal means never having to say "I'm sorry".

To everyone else: "Your Mom!".

Well, just because the original chap has removed himself from the discussion (and from the forum entirely, no doubt) doesn't mean it isn't worth discussing. It's the type of question that lingers on many peoples' minds, myself included. Though mine are the other direction... I'm trying to figure out how to get her to talk about what she wants.

This thread has some good suggestions, particularly BrianR's should-be-obvious-but-isn't-always suggestion of planting a thought seed in a non-threatening situation, and letting it germinate on it's own. Sometimes I guess I have the tendency to be too direct, which I know isn't always ideal. Fortunately I'm in a relationship where directness is allowed without judging, which I must say is awesome.

And, it was pretty funny watching Dave pound the poor bastard's balls flat with a wooden hammer. That jmf guy's going to look like he's got a windchime between his legs for a damn month.

I think directness is usually the best way. That's how I've always been, and it's actually served me very well.

However, there is a certain way to be direct. Perhaps, when discussing anal sex, for example, the best phrasing is not

"I wanna fuck you in the poop tube and cum in your butt."

and you may find something like

"I've been doing some reading about, er, 'alternative' intercourse, and, I have to admit, it's kind of interesting. What do you think about it?"

more conducive to... well, cumming in her butt. :)

I think it's called "tact."

     Tact? We're being advised to use tact by the guy that brought us "You wanna fuck her in the ass, right?" I love it! Actually it does make sense, in one case it was a guy being somewhat annoying, in the other he's looking to get a personal happy. Big difference. Also a good example of when tact is appropriate and when there's no point.