I miss Him
 

Explanation, please.

Just something I wrote - some time ago... a few weeks before the wedding,

It was just one of those 'moments', something I tried to capture and put in a jar for safe keeping :)

Him is back in Australia now, cleaning up the last remnants of the life he left behind 5 years ago .... but this trip is fraught with under currents and tensions and unspoken fears, and a few tears here and there.

Me, I'm just waxing nostalgic - missing my husband, lost in the silence, tripping over memories, looking for memories, missing my husband, but more so missing the man I fell in love with 9 years ago.

*shrug* lost for explanations .... so you get the snippets, the snap shots, the dusty old memory caught in a bottle that doesn't maybe smell as fresh as it did then.....

Just me being stupid and believing he really is coming back, but not really *knowing* it

Nice. And there's nothing stupid about it.

:comfort:

Also, it's ok to miss him...

...just don't let him find out!:D

long chat with Him this morning, a bit raw, sometimes it's easier to say hard things over a computer screen ...... but to be honest ... virtual hugs ... suck

damn this should have been easy - so I told myself - build 2 boxes 17'x 8.5' x 18" out of 17'x 6" x 2" and 17' x 4" x 4" lumber and bury em 3"-6" in the ground ... no biggie _ got a circular saw, I got a post hole borer, I got a lawn tractor with a pusher blade

He said he'd leave all the tools I needed in the porch for me .... nail gun is there, circular saw is there, compressor is there........ but oh little things like my carpenter's square - unreachable, extension cord - unfindable, back - uncooperative

Monday evening 6pm and I haven't driven a single nail yet .... nope not good, not good at all!

I sympathize with the uncooperative back ... and do listen to grav: even though you miss Him, don't let Him know!

Men are very strange creatures. They seem to like you best when you make them sweat.

Oh he knows I miss him, went through this once already when it took over 16 months for him to get back to Canada after the wedding... which is part and parcel of the baggage .... but he also knows if he decided he needed to stay for his parents, or wanted to stay because it's 'Home' ... I'd let him go, not happily, but I'd let him go.

And I'd be fine - I'd be struggling, but I've done that before, again not happily, but I got by :)

As for the planter boxes - it's just a bit of an annoying hiccup, if I work an hour at it at a time then take a break, I should be able to get through it in a few days, the planting.... that's still gonna take a bit. But again... I'll get it done, might not be pretty or on time but it'll get done.

The biggest mistake I've ever made in relationships was letting the guy know I cared. Being caring and considerate brings out the worst. It seems women do better shutting down that aspect of themselves. As the lyrics go, "the less I give, the more I get back". Totally counter-intuitive.

I'm sorry you've been through pain already. Hope it doesn't repeat itself.

I disagree with your thoughts on men. I can't open up and reveal my true self until I know that she cares about me. Until that time, I keep a little fence up to protect myself.

I do understand your reasoning. As most of you know, I have had women take advantage of me (crush my soul when I figured out they only wanted me for gifts, money, etc)

I only reason that way from experience. I know there's good and bad everywhere, but any time I've let a man know that I care, it's gone badly. Now I keep a big fence up. I was stupidly naive last year; after being humiliated, I read a few books and smacked myself in the head. I wish the books weren't right, but they seem to be, mostly. After being off the market for years I was easy pickings. Not going to happen again.

Being Zen is good. Just appreciating the positive and not investing.

I went through a 9 yr marriage (15 yr relationship) when I was young ... that aside from being emotionally abusive - or maybe because it was often a game of trying to figure out how I needed to be/act/say what to tell, what to hold back in order to get what I wanted and needed.

Eventually - with 3 children aged 5 and under, one with severe disabilities - I was too bloody damned tired to play those kinds of games anymore - I started being straight up about what I wanted and needed and what was going on in our lives. It didn't make the relationship any better, but I was less exhausted and could then just move on with doing what I needed to do for me.

Once I finally got out of that - the one and only thing I knew was I'm just no bloody good at playing that kind of emotional chess.. and I didn't want to do that again. It was gonna have to be take me as I am, or walk away. It would be 8 years and a lot of crummy experiences before my head and my life were halfway straightened out where I could actually function in a healthy way in a healthy relationship and met a man who was literally everything I was looking for - it'd would be two more years before we actually got married. IMO you can't deal with LDR without being willing to own up to missing them, that 10,000 miles and getting together once every six months and skype hugs - just plain SUCKS. But I also knew I'd rather be alone, than to settle for anything less than 100% of myself, or himself.

The 16 months after the wedding before he was able to move back - sucked just as badly ... but he can't be held to blame. We both have unrealistic expectations of ourselves and overly optimistic hopes about how difficult things will go, and we're both way better at making plans to get chit done than doing it. So '3 months' to get the house ready for sale and process the immigration paperwork turned into 16...

We'd have never survived the trauma of all that - if we hadn't been completely open with each other. But yeah it left some sore spots.

We're both struggling with the scars that the stresses of the last two years since I tanked my career have left us with - the 'gun to our heads' getting the work done on the old place so it could be sold, the sale, the move, along with all our own individual and collectively baggage ... and now trying to figure out 'Ok, Now what?' but I think the only way we're going to get through that and heal and recover, is if we continue to be as direct and honest about where our heads are at and what we need and what we want. Sometimes like this morning, that's a little bit raw, but I don't think we could be any other way with each other and hope to have the relationship weather the storms.

I really can't be anything other than honest and direct with the man I waited my whole life for :lovers:

Playing games sucks. Hearing, "I shouldn't have to tell you what I think/want, you should know," makes me ballistic. :mad2:

The women who insist that others should be mind-readers make me ballistic too. :mad:

There are also men like that, men who make you feel entirely a failure if you don't guess every nuance of their little game. I just decline to play the game anymore. Don't have time for it.

didn't sleep much last night ... every time I'd start to drift off a dog would move or pad about or bark to be let out ... finally actually slept about 7am.... and up at 11:30 ...

He did leave me a message - he left me the missing extension cord - I just didn't look in the right place ... ::blush::

didn't do too badly getting a handle on mowing with the tractor.... well until it ran out of gas... looking at the manual now to figure out while can of fuel it needs :)

then it's up the hillside to find a spot for the grapes. and another go at trying to fork out those hidden dafs - the wild roses are making a mess of me, and that mud ain't as easy to dig as one might think - there's a LOT of roots in dem der meadows

Get something done every day while I'm busy mooning about - about the best I can hope for :)

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It was a lovely wedding ... it was really too bad the guest list sucked so bad

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Lovely photos of a lovely day! Good luck with the chores!

thanks limey, I got the grape arbours in, then got the garden tractor stuck - got the neighbour to pull me out ...he's a good sort.

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Now to get the grapes planted, and a quick run into town for more tractor fuel

it was a lovely day - and fortunately my family was only 'merely annoying', as opposed to 'made the day a complete misery' - which was a win (and completely ignorable by being wrapped up in our own cocoon of happiness)

Missed chatting with him this morning, - got to the computer late (well past his bedtime) because I had to get the spag sauce started in the crock pot... but his FB tells me he got the car back to his parents' house and now it's clean it up and sell it time :)

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Well the car is in rougher shape after 5 yrs in storage than he'd hoped - we still have no idea how much he'll be offered for 'The Phantom Car' - still hoping for not less than $10K.. otherwise we're gonna lose money on this trip rather than make any...
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Lovely wedding pics!

thanks - we didn't have many decent photos from the wedding, the photographer we hired ripped us off for $900 and never sent the pictures... so all we had were the ones his sister took and a few other friends, fortunately his sister took quite a lot (to take home to his mother)... but it was still kind of a bummer

Is that an old torana?

WSS ^


LOL.

that is not only an old Torana *grins* it's the rarest Torana ever made - so even within sectors of the Torana collector market, it's a bit of a ghost - everyone has heard about them, no one has ever seen one.

Best guess is there were only 40-50 made.

The problem is that it's so odd, the model line was essentially factory installed after market parts - so it could have been done to any of the models - AND Holden cancelled the model upgrade / new line in favour of the Commodore only about 6 months in to it.

Thus for any of the 1979 Torana UC SL/T these just isn't a lot of providence. However, he has as much providence as anyone who ever had one did - and for the last 15-20 yrs if you google Torana UC SL/T - it's his web pages, and his photos you'll find. Even on other people's pages.

The mystic just adds to it's otherwise immeasurable charms - it was a great car when he ordered it in 1978, it's a great car now (if a little dusty and road worn).... and it decidedly stings to have to sell her, but after 5 yrs in Canada he knows now he's never going to move back to Australia, bringing it here just isn't worth it and he'd never subject it to the road salt of winter over here. So it's either continue to let it rot in a barn or sell it to someone who truly loves and respects what it is.

We call them sheds over here. lol

Not being a torana fan myself, i dont see the big deal, but i sure hope someone does. :)

thanks - he's got one guy seriously on the hook for it, met him and his wife at a Torana club meet today. Guy and his wife are serious collectors / restorers and he's dead keen and the offer isn't a bad one.

Couple other folks interested in looking at it - so we have a worst case scenario we're not unhappy with .. it can only get sweeter from there.
(*fingers*crossed*)

I'm about ready to cry - the black flies are horrendous, I'm only getting 20mins worth of work done at a time before I can't stand it anymore, they're driving me mad, the whole planting business including building the raised bed boxes is going way too painfully slowly, .... I need help and the miserable rotten g*dd*mn sumb*tch is 10,000 miles away.

F**K

You might like Forecast

thanks, that is kinda cool

Yeah, put in your location, and you can look at the next few days, one at a time. If it's supposed to rain on Thursday, it will show you when the rain will start and stop, or how heavy it will be at different times of the day. It's nice to know if it's a passing shower, or you should pack up and move inside.

Hubby just reminded me.... of how the first thing he does when visiting people, who have pets, is to sit on the floor and converse with the animals.... more so then he does with the people. "It's just politeness to get down to their level"

There's a reason he's known as "The Wonderful Keeper of Treats" ... and it's not about the cookies in his pocket.

Just one of the many wonderous things I love about him - yeah I guess I'm not so mad at him ...

well - less than a week now - home stretch... feeling the upside of anticipation of him coming home rather than the downside of he's awwwwwwwwwwway...

for statistical purposes - circumference of the earth - 40,075 km distance to Brisbane ... 16,086 km - so NO he's not quite a half a world away

well aside from a brief skype session from a friends house this time yesterday - connection hassles means I haven't talked to him in two days.... frustrating more than worrying... just day to day stuff a girl wants/needs to share.

3 days and counting - got a buttload of cleaning to try and get finished ... and Wednesday will be backing day

2 days... and I'm feeling a bit punkish ... not getting all the stuff done I wanted to, feeling down and a little overwhelmed. I just want my husband home.

25 hours - and I can finally quit boring you all with my misery

When the hours are up, start brightening us with your joy.

*grins* there will be CAKE :)

coconut is prepped and waiting for the morning, got a nice hunk of pork shoulder picnic thawing for the making of pulled pork, and all the makings for sangria prepped..

there will be feasting..

I think Ocean will have other things on her mind then :D

Sent by thought transference

thats entirely possible

t-minus 20 :)

T-minus 12 :D

"home again, home again, jiggedy jig!"

http://flightaware.com/live/flight/ACA34

T-minus 3
Time to leave for the airport

Not nearly as much finished as I wanted there to be - but I'm focusing on what is done..

Monkey bread for the morning
Pulled pork and fresh buns for dinner tomorrow
Coconut cake
fresh bread

Sangria marinading in the fridge

See y'all in a few days ;)

That's a good writing I had say Ocean.
Not a very long ago, I had that desperate situation of buying something for my wife on anniversary. Along with real (and the mattering) gift, I wrote few lines for her, that came up in my mind while reading this blog. I guess they suck big time, but anyway:

Sometimes you gotta believe the words to relish them. Perhaps they are bit too much dipped in the armor of fiction but then who knows if the soul within might have shards of truth?

Let me tell you about a girl. Ah! what a delighted fairy tale fantasy of a man's heart. Isn't it? heh! Too old fashioned to use proverbs like that? But then I need to put every story in the epic of a magical world. The substantial amount of vivid imagination fails to take roots in this earth you see. And then what's the loss? We are all here for few minutes of joy and then off we go.

Well if you have come so far into this garrulous of cynical sentences, that means you are perhaps willing to waste few precious moments of your life.
Yeah, yeah, she is the one who lives with me. The one who did all that love-stuff to my heart few years ago. And then? We went to stars to live as King and Queen? Bleh! We got married instead. Hell yeah, you knew that. Years have started piling up. Dull monotony have raved our kingdom. King and queen toil hard in the summers and winters to raise the kingdom crops. Wouldn't have been surprise if Sauron came roaring over the traffic lights! But then project boss is always there to fill the make shift role.

King and queen now feel the magic dulled away, and money a precious entity. There are big concerns in each's heart. They travel through adventures and misadventures still, but how long, oh i ask thee, how long a weary wanderer may continue? Darn, I am no soul searching saint though I will love to be the one.
Its not about that though (i almost forgot). Its about that girl, the queen. Day after day who rises up with me and deal the armies/hordes of orcs at our castle. Wait! is it castle or is it cooking, doing job, holding responsibilities, families etc? Not sure. But you get the idea, one can be worst than other. And I am told I am Martian. A king from Mars! heh! She has to deal with that too. What a brave little girl you had say. I agree.

In fact I wont exaggerate if I say without this shinning, sparkling, glorious (and whatever else) courage I am finished. I am no one.
It feels hard for me to stop and tell her these things. So I think often to send some messenger with all these thoughts to her. But I am highly suspicious of the messengers. They tend to read the King's messages and giggle about it with their maids these days. On to magic then! Let me use a magic potion or kick my wizard's ass to do something similar. Let the old freak wave the frequencies out of air and let the queen know that no matter how quite and distant I seem, she is the heartbeat of this kingdom (hear, hear! hear those drums beat and those trumpets shout). The way her perfectness looks to me, I feel my rag-tag of savage army can conquer whole world. That of course means I can sit and watch TV meanwhile.

Years on this epic will drag. But never a shower of rain for patched dry earth must have seemed so refreshing as that queen's face to me (lots of background cheering and happy whistling).
Come we have journey to take now my sweet. Come hold my hand and don't ever leave me. (At least not until next rave party or my next toilet time :))

thank you wanderer,

and nothing from the heart can ever 'suck big time' ... I like it :)

... I said there would be cake and despite that I screwed up the icing not once, but twice.... third time's the charm, and there is indeed cake..

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That sure looks delicious! Yum:celebrat:

So... he's been home and I've been missing...

Not the reasons one would think...
But yes, its a level of distractedness.

Lots going on the last two weeks... sorting out the tilling problem took a level of research and running around and ... stuff.

Good news - bought a beaucoup used garden tractor with tiller and snow blower for an exceptionally good price, bad news it'll be available to us next season as it needs an engine rebuild, good news also bought a BIG arse walk behind Troy-Bilt Horse tiller - because it'll be next season before the tractor works and when the tractor does work the walk behind will hold it's value bad news despite running well standing still tends to stall when being used, good news he's pretty handy with engine stuff and he found the manuals online also good news also bought a good sized cargo trailer means hauling this stuff around or borrowing the neightbour's tiller if he can't find the issue with the walk behind won't be much of a pita, bad news the tomatoes I planted just before he got home blighted and collapsed over dead, good news in the process I discovered we have lovely frogs and many hummingbirds - cheered me up to no end after the disappointment, good news I had enough wood left from the first two raised beds to build a third (and there's still lots left) ... but filling it with soil from a separate commercial source and new half grown tomatoes set us back $200 - these are turning into expensive tomatoes, bad news after getting home Sunday night after a lovely day trip out to pick up the tractor one of the cats had collapsed, good news was I didn't inadvertently poison him, nor was it his kidneys and an immediate death sentence, nor did a dog eat him, was a case of FUS - something I hadn't seen since the mid 80's when pet food manufacturers improved and fixed their foods to reduce the rampant problem with dietary induced urinary issues in cats, bad news emergency surgery and subsequent care set us back $900 good news - he was home to help deal with this and the items sold in Australia meant we had the cash on hand, good news Basement Cat Cyrus is now back to his old adventuring self having bounced back from death's door so quickly as to surprise even the vet.

Going forward: good news: stuff is getting done, bad news: still gets done far more slowly than I'd like and there's way too much internet out there (took me 3 hours to catch up here this morning)

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whew!

yeah... that's pretty much my feeling about it :)

oh ... and I still freakin hate freakin TICKS