Will I Stay or Will I Go?
 

The countdown is on, and I'm feeling sicker by the minute. It might be that I'm more apprehensive about staying than about going...but I don't really know.

I'm trying to keep my mind off tomorrow afternoon. Whatever happens will happen. But I don't need a spanking and it it turns into a 'how crap you are' event towards me I'll just have to say "Aww, come on, you've already intimidated me and beat on me...now that it's almost over let's just make it all over and get over it."

So what is going on tomorrow? You mentioned this countdown before, but I didn't really follow. What's so special about tomorrow?

It's the last day of my Corrective action plan. To correct the plans that caused the actions that have been going on since way before I got here...

I think it's more personal than anything at this point. But really, they could extend the torture.

Argh.

Be strong.

Be strong, like he said.

Yeah don't watch episode 4 of season three Game of Thrones...

Suprize them and quit , no job no matter What the bennies are is worth going crasy over!
Just my thoughts , be strong ,when they talk trash , smile and say "I love you too!"

Don't worry. ;)

I can't quit. I still need to live. I don't want to forfeit my vacation pay and unemployment.

However, if I'm kept on, I will eventually be putting in my 1 month notice so I can at least get my vacay pay. Unless things changed a whole lot and quickly, you're right...it's not worth going crazy over!

Ugh ugh ugh I just want it over with.

I'm surprised she gets bennies at all. Its not like she's a trucker yet. Could be the bennies are the problem. This kinda sounds like me on a rough day.

Short-term Effects

Small doses of amphetamines can make you feel alert and energetic. They can increase your breathing and heart rates, decrease your appetite, and dilate your pupils. They can cause a dry mouth and sleeping problems. At higher doses, you can experience euphoria. Smoking and injecting amphetamines can produce an extremely pleasurable rush or “flash” that lasts a few minutes. Side effects include:

Restlessness,

Shakiness,

Sweating,

Anxiety,

Headache,

Blurred vision,

Dizziness,

Irregular heartbeat, and

Chest pain.

Some users experience feelings of power and superiority. Some become hostile and aggressive. Overdose can cause delusions, hallucinations, high fever, delirium, seizures, coma, stroke, heart failure and death. Use with alcohol and other drugs are especially dangerous.

So. What happened?

I'll let you know once something actually happens. ;)

Meeting at 2 today. :(

I just want it over with.

Can't kill you, can't eat you.
Life will go on either way, I promise.

I know - still on Management Leave myself. Little chance of ever going back now.

Thinking of you, m'dear. Keep us posted, eh.

Thanks, I will.

I just realized I have the scheduled meeting with accounting at 2. My OTHER meeting is at 3.

Late in the day...usually means something.

Like I said, I want to get it over with but it's still two hours away.

I'm hanging on to the words of my friends for dear life. Because it will all be OK. Thanks for being here through my ordeal. I just need to hang on a little bit longer.

they can't fucking eat you.

wise wisdom gifted to me very early in my career. it's true, regardless of how it rings in your ears. besides, you were looking for a job when you found this one, right? I've been paralyzed by the fear of economic armageddon; that paralysis led me to stay long after I should have left on my terms to my psychic detriment every time. And every time, the next gig was much better, economically and and psychically. (of course, each of those ended too, but it was better than what had just ended.)

your worth and value is NOT determined by the summary paragraph on anyone's CA document, regardless of how fancy-ass the stationery is.

Precisely

All of the heavy thoughts about this job will end... 5 minutes into your time in your next job.

All of this current shit will be magically gone gone gone!!

me and UT are a couple of the (currently) loudest people in your cheering section. it's crowded up here, we're the big guys a few rows up that look like the proverbial "bushy haired stranger" but with big smiles. we high five each other in congratulations about the most excellent comments we make about the plays on the field, both about your moves and the blunders of the blind referees. but we're definitely cheering for you.

now take that ball and run like the wind, bullseye!

Well, not if they're going to be mean. But maybe if they were nice, IM wouldn't object? :D

:)

None of the wigs showed up for the acct meeting.

25 minutes to go. Just a CLUE would be nice.

I think I'll go out for a smoke. I hardly ever smoke at work. But...desperate times.

Good luck hon.

Seemed like a clue:

IntDir: HR will be here so just wait here and we'll come get you when we're ready.

*tick tock torture tick tock torture*

Go in. HR and ID only ones there. Asks questions about project. Another week or so on the project until completion.

Plot Twist: (HR) well we need to talk to each other and also with the Swooper and we will let you know something next week.

Next week when the project is almost completed.

So, no reprive. No idea, still, either way. I am still here, with the possibility of NOT being here by next week. What kind of game is this?

I'm exhausted, mentally. I was prepared for an answer either way. And here I still am, with no answer, no idea, and no faith in the process whatsoever.

Please if there is anythign like a god let me win just a little Rolling Cash 5 or something...something so I can just say fuck it.

I'd really really like to drink tonight but we have my parents' dinner. So maybe after that. Which means I might call in stupid tomorrow. Because really, fuck it. OF course, that would seal my fate and that isn't fair either.

Unreal. :( :( :(

fuckers

The word torture seems rather apt. They are subjecting you to a form of prolonged torment. It's ridiculously unfair.

I don't know how, other than by some supreme act of will, but you have to find a way to decouple your emotional state from your workplace. You feel it deep, because you care. You care about doing a good job and you care what your employers think of you. This is normal and natural and it is unfair that it opens you up to such a horrible onslaught.

You cannot change them. From the sound of things there will be no moment of vindication, or even closure short of walking out of the building for the last time, which will happen sooner or later. For your own sanity, you have to learn not to care whilst you are there. Get your emotional armour in place, and helmet on for the duration. You are stone and steel and they cannot touch you. You are right and they are wrong, and their opinion of you matters less than nothing.

They don't deserve you. You sure as hell don't deserve them. This is a temporary situation. You may not have a date, but it is timebound. Whatever happens after that has to be better than this.

Don't try to figure out the whatifs right now. You're on a path. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other til you are presented with a crossroads. Then make your decisions accordingly.

Stop caring. Kill the hours you're there doing what you can in your job. Then leave it behind when you walk through the door. Whatever they have to say: let them say it. Words, just words. They're proved by their actions that their opinions of you and the work are ridiculous. Their words are meaningless because they are nothing.

The only power they have right now is whether or not they decide to fire you before you are in a position to deal with it. I doubt there's much you can do one way or another to influence that decision.

But you can deny them the effect of that power. That is something you have control over.

Or... imagine that all the veiled machinations are poorly disguised attempts to hide some wonderful surprise from you like a big promotion party! There'll be balloons and cake and a karaoke machine and confetti! It's still unknown, but it's a pleasant thought, it's one that all your efforts can effect exactly the same amount influence, BUT it's nicer to have on your mind hour after hour, minute after minute. You can imagine all the nice presents you're gonna get, imagine your pleasant surprise to get two cards because one wasn't big enough to hold all the congratulatory signatures. Think how the sidler's careful attention all this time was really for the purpose of scoping out your favorite songs so that the music would be made up of your all time greatest favorites, ones you really like to sing along with (hence the karaoke machine, eh? eh?). Think how bad they'll feel when you tell them you were worried, that you knew something was up, but you thought it was gonna be bad. They'll be so sad, they'll cry for causing you so much turmoil. But then another great song will come up and one of them will grab your hand and start to drag you to the microphone, which will make for more laughs because you'd just taken a big bite of cake and as you try to protest you spray crumbs everywhere and everybody laughs.

It could happen. Or not, but it is nicer scenery don'cha think?

I hate to be Debbie Downer. But I've seen this sort of thing in programming groups. I suspect they are waiting to let you go once the project is complete.

I hope I'm wrong for your sake.

IM - I've got to think there's something better for you out there.

same here!

My last week at my last employer, I put in over 100 hours that week recovering from a big problem. Next thing? Buh-bye. Nothing I could to to control THEIR actions, and it was a terrible rejection, thanks for all your heroic efforts, now go away.

It was a terrible blow to me, in every way, but not fatal. That was a pleasant surprise. Though it sounds trite, plan for the worst, expect the best. You'll be prepared no matter what happens.

youse guys are great. and i am amazed at how different i feel now. it's like that moment in a relationship where it's like: i just can't even care anymore.

have an appt with my therapist and am taking the day off. and i didn't drink or anything that was just blowing off steam reaction. i actually feel pretty ok.

thanks everyone. dana, your post really hit a home run with me. :)

Yes, Dana's got it about right. This is what I try to hang on to - you can't control what happens to you, but you can control how you react to it. Mind over matter - you don't mind and they don't matter :D

So come on and let us know, will you cool it or will you blow?

Hug.

Why Jim... :blush:

That hug was for shaw. Give it back. You only get those half hug, half shoulder press deals with one arm between us. Don't whine. It's your own damn fault, mr two-handed-ass-grabberson

Well, the answer is in (drum roll please): I WILL GO.

Of course it's upsetting, but as you know I expected it and even wanted it. When faced right up to it, it's scary. I know I couldn't go on like that, though. I have to keep reminding myself that (as it was eloquently put by a friend) that I didn't fail at that job, that job failed me.

I went back over some of my old documentation last night, and honestly I'm surprised it went on this long.

There seems to be more I should say but it's really a jumble in my head right now.

Thanks to everyone who listened to me vent over the years.

Just: where now? I have some ideas of things I'd like to do, but I honestly can't say I want to work in the public arena anymore. I know i have time to think about it.

Though I was urged to post what I texted last night:

Commute: GONE
Fat-rendering plant smell of (city): GONE
Idiots who ram into my car in downtown (city): GONE
Chance of being subjected to a sociopath mass killing: GREATLY REDUCED

Sigh, no one never said nuttin' would be easy, I s'pose.

Not to jump on your happy.
But I handed in my notice today too.
Synchronicity.
I have a lot of the same questions as you.

Good luck babba.
I reckon you'll make it.

Happy? No, not really. I'd have liked for things to work out, that the hope and excitement I felt at the beginning would have panned out.

So we can commisserate together.

And I reckon we'll both make it. :)

p.s. I love your Spinal Tap sig!

I gotta big bottom :)

We'll compare notes at the end of the year.
Make up a points system. See who wins.
I don't mind losing to you, I just want to be here to still play the game at Christmas

Job, family status (haters), photos posted (haha) new skills, lovers lost (minus points - but I know I'll be okay on that front) photos posted (haha again) new authors discovered, weight lost, money won, love and love and love.

I've got a panto to go to, you know.
Seriously, pull off a bank heist and join us.

At least you don't have that crap hanging over you any more. That torture is gone.

Does the bar by the river need some help? That might be fun for a while.

About bloody time.

Seriously, I'm amazed this dragged on as long as it did without you going postal on the fuckers.

Like getting a tooth pulled, or vomiting when you're nauseous, it's unpleasant but it brings relief. I think you will take a fair while to recover from the headfuck, but no new damage is being inflicted.

You will survive, and something new will develop.

If I may, I suggest either volunteering in a animal care facility (like a dog or cat shelter, but make sure it is a no-kill one; to protect your emotions), or else as a labourer for a gardening service. In general, something a bit practical, a bit nurturing, and low stress.

Although, come to think of it, gardening labourers in your parts probably just say "si, si" a lot, eh?

In the meantime, I offer you this web comic:
http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php...&id=2722#comic

I think gardening is good. Fresh air. Wind in your face. Your back hurts like a bitch but your soul heals.

Good luck, IM. The next door will open.

Zen You and I need to sit around a camp fire drinking and talking one day ,

What he said

Shaw, you know this would be an excellent opportunity to take a little road trip. Get in the car and drive. Go someplace you never had time to go before. make a cellar pilgrimage.

all great thoughts. thanks.

my brother had a line on something for me already. i'm not even officially unemployed yet! i wouldn't mind a little lean time but this would be something i would enjoy.

i have family events to go to tomorrow and sunday, so that'll be good.

Monday: I75N

:)

Is it cheating if I take the survey now?

Yay for you IM. I'm so glad you made the move, and hope you go on to better things.
If you take that road trip and decide for some crazy reason you want to see the Lone Star State, you're welcome here with me.

Breaking rocks in the hot sun
I fought my bro, but my bro won...

Good for you.;)

Good brother there.

yeah, we'll see it's probably been filled.

but good brother? damn straight. i'm making a pun as to his profession but i mean it when i say he's my rock.

today going with him and nephew to future niece-in-law's graduation from phys asst school. :)

Best foot forward now m'dear. It's gonna be a whole lot easier to live without that monkey on your back all the time.

:eyebrow:

hahahahahahahahaha.

Nicely spotted.

my girl wants to
monkey all the time monkey all the time...

;)

yes, i am going to feel so much better.

and good timing: my brother's association participates in a big Earth Day thing, a week long event for kids, all sorts of activities, my bro's being a giant rock dig with all sorts of thing hidden for kids to 'mine' for...all the schools bring little kids. last year i helped on saturday but i can help the whole week this year. it will be sooooo fun!

a) will you cakewalk into town?
b) Amadeus?

You can also have this as the theme song to your brother's dig:

don't forget the Casbah!

Shareef don't like that.

Congrats Shaw. Fuggem' I'm two years ahead of you. lol

Personally, I didn't even realize how bad things were till I was gone. My gos what a fucked yup asshole I worked for.
My stress level is nil compared to what it was. Nope, don't have 2 nickels to rub together and guess what?
I don't give a shit. Nope, not even a little one.

On a related note, my buddy at the old job called last week. We've been getting together for lunch every other month
or so to catch up and shoot the shit. Well he called last Thurs and was noticeably shaken sounding. "Frank" is 60ish and was hired 2 years after me. For a couple years he and I were the only reps for 8 magazines and about 100 accounts. IN-fucking-sane.
Anyway... Asshole ex-boss called and told Frank that he couldn't afford to keep him as there have been so many lost accounts over the last couple years. Since I was fired, they've hired 8 different people to try and replace me; none of them could or would.
So the End result is that Frank has been let go as well. Lemme tell you a little about my buddy "Frank" ... He is a 9/11 survivor who wasn't at work that day because he went to a Doc appt with his wife, only to learn surprisingly that she had cancer. Basically everyone he knew and worked with for decades was killed. He and his wife sold their house and moved down here in PA.
When my son had his accident my family was all at the beach celebrating the 4th of July Holiday. Frank was the first one to come to the hospital. He's like a 2nd father to me in many ways.
Frank has been a rock for me. Hes a calm, quite, unassuming man who was always quick with a hug and somehow made everything better with a simple word or a crack of that wry smile hidden beneath a walrus mustache and eyebrows that tried to hide the glint in his eyes. Kindest man I ever met. A santa-like figure in a dungaree shirt and jeans.

And that fucker fired him. Just like that - no warning. No time to prepare...nothing. Oh, and to add insult to injury, the cancer his wife beat years ago - its back as of last Christmas.

I went to his house Friday. He was out in the yard futzing around with his fig trees. We hung out, had a beer & walked around his house. It was my turn to repay him. Felt really good to give back to the man that gave me so much when I needed it most.

Shaw - one day you will do that for someone else. The stress, the shit, the pain and all will dissipate and you'll help someone else when they need it most. And only you will be able to do it because of the path you've traveled.

Hugzz ... Peace.

Holy shit, I wrote a book.

Yeah, but it's a good book. Nicely put, Classic.