Suicide
 

I'm a very new dweller here, but have lurked here for years now. I wanted to start a topic on suicide. Who here has experienced it as a victim of a relative, friend, lover, etc? Also who has contemplated it? :confused:

I suffer from depression pretty badly. All of my life. I take medication and the typical stuff, I've had drug problems in the past in trying to escape it, etc. I came close to commiting suicide once, it was more of a cry for help then actually trying. I'm a very laid-back, good humored guy. I used to have extreme self-esteem issues, but over came them a few years ago. And now I'am actually a very outgoing and social person. I've made great progress in dealing with it. It's just that I easily get dragged into this hell hole if things go even slightly wrong. It sucks guys, to put it very simple.

I do think about suicide still, quite often. But its more of an escape for the mind then anything. When that dark cloud of depression engulfs me, thinking about suicide gives you a sense of hope that there is a way out. However, I know at this point in my life I would not actually go through with it. I have a 3 1/2 year-old son, and he his my main focus and my life. I'm 25 btw.

I've been having a real tough time lately, I want to talk about it, and everyone here seems very open-minded. :)

been there, done that
 

I lost my first wife in November, 1987. I spent a lot of time deep in a black hole and thought about suicide too.

Obviously, I did not do it.

But I know how you must feel. Talking helps, believe me.

Brian

Your a very strong person Brian, and very impressed with your strength to endure something on that level. I'm very that your still with us. :)

I've contemplated it before. It really all began in college and I scared someone enough to where I was eventually taken to the hospital's psychology ward. That was pretty much the shock to my system that I needed and I started climbing out of it (on my own, even though they wanted give me drugs for it, when a chemical imbalance was hardly the problem). I've done much better over the years, to the point where it is rare for me to get depressed. I must admit though that this weekend was particularly rough on me and I started contemplating it again. I'm better now, but am very wary about it coming back. I'm 28, btw.

Does your depression and/or suicidal thoughts brought on by situations or for no reason?

My depression is started by either one, mostly for no reason. Thanks for the reply, talking helps me so much.

[ humorous ] When I think about what my life was like before the "recession" and what it is now, I really feel like killing *someone* (with a desk drawer handle and a roll of wheat pennies) but not myself. [ /portion ]

I usta think about suicide when I drank alot. Yes, I know you think I drink a lot now. That's what everybody thinks. I only have <B>a</B> beer about twice a year now. The reduction in consumption has helped tremendously.

I can't remember the exact day I decided to quit, but I did enjoy being piss drunk every weekend for quite some time. I was really good at it too. I don't think there was an event, no dui, loss of job, fight or anything, I just saw the complete lack of progress in the things that I wanted to do. And I was always depressed.

Now days I see not a complete lack of progress, but an incredibly *slow* progress. (slang is depressing himself whist attempting to be vulnerable and uplifting to the new member)

So anyway, humor is my new therapy. Humor is not prescribed by some doc that asks me how I feel about my mother. It's not detrimental to the liver, or the brain. It's legal 24 hours a day in all states (cept Mass), and I can use it anywhere. Are my jokes and skits funny? *I don't care*, they are more for me than anyone else.

How does one develop a sense of humor? I dont really know. What I do is attempt to exaggerate situations to an extreme to make them funny. I am a paraody of myself. When I do something that I think *might* be funny, I take it to an extreme to make it more ridiculous. This helps me cope through laughter.

Thousands of people in this area carry weapons for personal protection (and to show off cool handguns to their friends) That in itself isn't funny. I carry 3 handguns and 80 rounds of ammo. When you see me, you might think "does that guy have a stick up his ass.....or is he carrying some type of bazooka rocket under his jacket?" That's funny. (**may not be appropriate for everyone....possibly a bad example**)

I look for humor in everything I do. I need it. Without it I'd be twitching in the corner of some day room , drooling all over myself, wondering if maybe I should have taken the blue pill.

Another thing I find as an <b>e</B>ffective anti-depressant is searching out hapless bastards in *more* dire straights than me. This may seem insensitive , but I've found it to also be very comforting knowing there are so many more people that have it worse than me. It *is* getting harder to find these people since I started my new shitjob, but you may find the technique useful.

I will assign another angel to your case deepandchilled03. Though you may not be a believer in the church I assure you *I* am real and I do give a rats ass about you and the others (even the liberals )

You have no idea what your future holds. Your life may very well be something you cannot possibly dream of now, in 3 or 5 years. Plus the fact that the happenstances of human interaction often grow into wonderful things.

Anyway, I have pizza coming.

Good things are possible for you, and *someone* you don't even know at this time will help you and you them, in the near future.

Til then , hang out and have a good pizza.

Thanks for taking time out of your Pizza eating God and getting another angel on the job for me. Your the best. :D One more then before your pizza gets cold, could she look like Aria Giovanni? Is she was my angel, I would have heaven right there.


Ahhh... Aria Giovanni my goddess. :blunt:

I totally agree with you Slang. I use to drink hardcore every weekend, huge binges. I would look forward to it everytime. The goal was suppose to go out and hook up with hotties, but always, always turned into getting hammered for three days straight.

Once I stopped that I was much better, but then I fell into a pot and ecstacy, but kicked the immediatly. My last vice was the evil Vicodin. That took forever to kick. Damn it was tough.

Humor is my biggest gun against depression as well. I take things that are funny to me and take them to the Nth degree. You have to really know me to understand my humor sometimes. :)

Well if you need someone new, take a look at me for awhile. I would be more then happy to be your new degenerate to be looked down upon. Anything to help a fellow dwellar. :)

If I haven't mentioned already, I'm a horrible speller. :eek:

Don't push it bub. ;)

I understand my holy father. BTW, <motions to face with hand> you got a little holy sauce the corner of your mouth. :p

Re: Suicide
 

Tough as in how? Tough getting out of bed? Tough because you hate your job? Tough because times are difficult and money is short? Tough because you are always so miserable no matter what you are doing?

I assume you know when its time to seek treatment again. Or is that what you are asking about? I'm not sure if you are just asking to share, or whether you are seeking some better solution, or whether this is an understated request for help?

Do you also have a friend that can tell you how your really are? Usually the last person to see depression is the depressed person - which is why treatment does not start until that good friend says Now.

Deep, I appreciate your sharing your experiences. One of the most important things for folks who are depressed to do is to reach out to others. Of course, one of the bad parts of the disease is, of course, the tendency to isolate ones' self, as well as to think that there IS no out. There usually is, but the tunnel-vision that's often a part of depression doesn't allow one to see that.

My life has been touched by suicide numerous times (I'll explain that in a little bit), closely twice

My father committed suicide while I was in college. We were not actively involved in each others lives at that point ... he was in Chicago, my mother, sister, and I were here in PA, where we had moved after my parent's divorce in the early 70s.

My best friend committed suicide almost one year ago (2/28/02). This was very difficult for me. He was an older gentleman, had retired from his job (under circumstances that are usually described as "under a cloud" ... He was a psychologist and had had an 'inappropriate' relationship with a client). Really great guy, bright, interesting, full of energy. I spent a lot of the last three weeks of his life with him. We sat and talked for hours. Everyone I worked with was aware of the possibility that he would end his own life. We were watching him like a hawk. The firearms had been removed from his home (with his agreement). I was very attuned to his moods, his thoughts ... and within every contact with him I was looking for the cues that he might be depressed and even possibly suicidal.

There wasn't a single one. Neither I, nor anyone else in contact with him picked up on it. If there had been any signs or clues, I promise you we would have seen them, and acted on it.

He purchased a gun, sent me a suicide note via email, went into his basement and shot himself. The timeline reconstructed in the police investigation appeared to indicate that he probably completed the suicide no more than a few minutes after sending the email.

Since you're new here, you probably don't yet know what I do. I'm a suicide hotline counsellor and mental health commitment officer. And I'm damn good at what I do.

It was a very rough time for a very long while, but I have a lot of really wonderful people to thank for helping me through that experience. (we were all pretty shell-shocked, actually. There were no fewer than 6 mental health professionals in contact with him ... actively looking for even the smallest hint that something might be up. He fooled ALL of us.)

The timing on your posting was kind of interesting for me. I've of course been thinking of my friend a lot lately, remembering what he meant in my life, but not dwelling on his departure from it.

Good luck to you. Be well. And don't hesitate to reach out for help when you need it. (that goes for anyone reading this, actually).

Suicidal thoughts were an almost constant companion during my teenage years. There was no rational basis for them, by almost any yardstick I had a good home-life etc... As I got to my late teens early twenties my moods began to separate a bit. I'd have a shorter more intense depression rather than what seems now to have been a constant cloud during my mid-teen years. At some point, I decided that I would never kill myself. I decided that if my life were not worth living, I'd just change lives. I doubt that approach would work for folks with deeper depression than I had, but it was good enough for me, back then. I used to savor my darker times, resisting angrily anyone trying to pull me out of it. As you might guess, it was hell on my love life, I really feel bad about the relationships that got the axe, for no apparent reason.

My wife was able to ride out my ugly times, which lead me to a deeper appreciation of her. I've made it my mission not to live a life which reinforces the dark clouds. It has gotten a lot better especially with the addition of more careful diet and exercise, and occasional reflection on my blessings.
take care,

Griff

Y'know, Griff, it's scary how close your description fits my life. Nearly every sentence you wrote fits me exactly. I feel like <b>I</b> wrote it.

Except for the part about the woman -- I had to get confidence and respect for myself before I had the guts to talk to a member of the opposite sex. I did have the whole mood separation thing, though. I would just get these spells every so often where this weird mood would come over me. I was sad -- but I liked it. It felt good. I would isolate myself during these times, not talk to anyone, and just be completely in bliss in my .. whatever it was. Very weird and hard to explain. It's almost like I knew that I had to be darkly depressed in order to be able to experience true joy later. Like one was feeding the other.

Now, I don't get depressed today, but that's <i>only</i> because of 15 years of dedicated mental, emotional, and philosophical foundation-building.


I know I'm straying off-topic here, but allow me to submit that it's <b>all</b> because of those fuckers in jr. high and high school.

Don't think a high percentage of the people you pick on will bring a gun to school and shoot you? What percentage do you think will shoot themselves? And what percentage do you think will hate themselves forever?

I asked my wife once what she thought of homeschooling (not that I'm for or against it -- we discuss all kinds of things). She stated that she thought that high school was essential for building social skills. She explained that being around all those people all the time teaches you how to deal with people and be sociable, and you just can't learn that at home.

What a crock! All high school does -- if you're in my class of personality -- is destroy your will to live and rape your self-respect. High school taught me to never speak to anyone. It was only after I got out that I learned to be sociable. She and I won't ever agree on this, of course. And I totally respect her views. Hell, I'm wrong half the time anyway. But I really don't get her position, because school was just as bad for her, yet she still thinks it taught her how to deal with people. Sure, but only if your view of humanity is very dark.

Couldn't agree more, ju-dude... all around.

In fact I think that our society is "broken" due to grades 6-12 being the hellmouth/gauntlet that it is. It's a part, although not a majority part, of the reason why Ms. UT and I don't have kids.

And I think that, to a great degree, you create your own mental situation. Like Ciara a few months ago who was down on herself because she felt like things were aligned against her. Once she started to think differently her mood improved. It happened so fast...

It seems obvious though, that some folks do need the boost of medication and that's fine too.

Anti-social school enviroments are a big part of the problem. If anything, Jr-High kids are coarser and meaner to one another than I remember. Age grouped education is still a relatively new concept, I think there are a certain percentage of us who will not thrive under this kind of oppression.


It turns out we're brothers.

junior high was hellish. in my experience, junior high was much worse than high school. i got involved in theatre and forensics in high school and found that while i still dealt with asshole jocks (sorry, jocks, but most of you *were* assholes in highschool) it wasnt nearly as bad.

i understand that for some people, extracurricular activities in highschool seem to be lacking something, and thats fine. i agree with jujus wife that hs can be a very important social experience, but i can also see how it can be a waking nightmare.

homeschooling isnt really an option for my kid(s?), partly because we both work and partly because the social aspect of school is important to me. in my entire time at school, my best experience, both socially and educationally, was in a private school, and i think thats where ill be sending my kids when they start school.

hang in there deep. theres a lot of good to experience in this world, you just have to look for it.

~james

My own depression and suicidal thoughts are for the most part brought on by situations. Once in a rare while I will get depressed for no reason at all, but after a little bit I tend to ask myself "Why do I feel this way?" I have no answer, and it tends to go away after that.

As for Jr. High and High School - my high school class was small, something like 100 people, and my jr. high school class even smaller - no more than 20. There were the occasional fights, but nothing real bad.

Yeah, y'know, I was the same way. In my late teens/early twenties, I would get depressed for no reason at all. I guess I can't really blame that on anyone.

Speaking of suicide ... a French chef got a bad review in a food guide (actually not a bad review per se, but he lost two points off his rating) and shot himself.

Tough times hit everyone. And they hit differently. There isnt always an obvious trigger, its a cycle of thinking. I had a bad patch of circumstances in elementary school, moved through it with support, sense of humor (As a kid, moving helps, I was helped by a fresh start) and then spiraled a bit in my 20s. So far, my early 20s was the hardest bit. As for suicide,the closest Ive been is careless, wreckless behavior. In retrospect, I've been lucky. I have been the worried friend, try to help, but know that its really a battle you cant fight. I've watched some friends/loved ones self-destruct, others pull out. And I know meds can help.

I'm glad were talking about it. And Wolf, its nice to have you around!

Thank you. :blush:

I've thought of suicide at one time or another, but I've never been serious about it. I would think of ways to die, and would be like, "I can't do that!" Which made me realize that I really didn't want to die.

I went through a rather nasty funk about 5 years ago, took Paxil for 3 months, and cleared my head. Since then, I have made a steady climb upward...and am probably at the highest point I've ever been.

And that's amazing to me, considering that the last 2 years have been rather abysmal. There have been times recently where I have just felt incredibly worthless, as if I'm not giving much of a contribution to society. But these moments are temporary, and optimism quickly takes the reins back.

I'm not going to go into a big spiel here about how crappy my childhood was...it sucked a lot, but I got past it b/c of an optimistic outlook, faith in God, and people that care. And that's what carries me to this day.

"She laughs too easily and cries too hard...shouldn't drink alone" - The Whitlams, Cries too hard

For some reason that came to mind.

Sometimes ya just gotta laugh though, it's impossible to get angry while laughing.

No, it's not. It's just impossible for other people to TELL.

Although I'm not the person who started this thread, I wanted make a point of thanking everyone for their honesty and ability to share their experiences in this forum. You're good folk, all.

Oh boy. What a subject to pick to speak about, seems to be right up my alley. Although I don't think I am capable of killing myself, I have thought about it obssessively. I am doing much better now since seeking help, but I do have my days. The last 2 weeks have been especially hard for me. One night I layed on my bathroom floor for about 2 hours, just crying my eyes out, it was not a pretty sight. I have lost it in work, screaming and crying, of course I got sent home that day. The other day I slept for 21 hours straight, only getting up to go to the bathroom, I used the 3 hours I had left to do whatever, and went back to sleep. Although, I am doing better, I still can't find a reason to live. But I still try everyday.

Patience... it's like physical healing, it takes time.

Meanwhile, everywhere you look find a reason for joy.

The terror alert is going back down!

Somebody's selling a giant Chee-to on Ebay!

They are going to build a huge great open tower in the WTC location and it will be the new highest structure in the world!

I am going to buy candles today and they smell good!

KFC for dinner, cool!

It seems all too simple, and maybe patronizing, but our world really is a wondrous place and every day is a gift. Even if things go sucky, you still got to experience them and they didn't kill you.

It's already out of my price range. DARN.

As of 12:18 EST top bid was $95,000,400.00

Betcha somebody's praying ebay cancels the auction again ...

ok it depends how you're laughing i guess

UT, please tell me what controlled substance you were using so I can avoid it like the plague in the future.

Well what's your theory on life then?

Simple pleasure must be out of fashion.
Lighten up Francis.

The WTC site isn't supposed to be finished for 10-12 years. Hong Kong is already planning a 2600 ft tall building. A 2000-ft tall building is under construction in Chicago, IIRC.

Sorry UT...not trying to burst your bubble there. I actually agree with what you were saying. As silly as it sounds, I really do get high on life. It has its problems here and there, but life rocks.

Nothing wrong with that; it'll be really cool to see these things reach up into the sky.

So here we are on a hilltop, Spouse and I, marking the tenth anniversary of the death of my Brother. It is his birthday.
Jimi Hendrix on the speakers – what Brother was listening to as he waited for his overdose to take effect. Voodoo Child, a slight return. “If I don’t see you again in this world, I’ll meet you in the next one, and don’t be late!”. It’s what we listened to as his coffin disappeared in the crematorium.
Three shots of whisky, one each for me and Spouse, and one for Brother, to sprinkle on the hilltop where we scattered his ashes. We are a little early, it is lunchtime, and he took the pills that were to kill him in the evening, on this day ten years ago. In fact he didn’t die until the next morning.
I know that Brother made strenuous efforts that he would not be found by those that loved him, but by professionals. I know that the paramedics who found him cracked his ribs and ruptured his liver in their CPR efforts to save him. I feel for them, they worked so hard to save him.
I know that I shouldn't have googled the symptoms of overdosing on the drug he used: convulsions, fits, repeated heart failure. Certainly not drifting off into a happy cloud, that's for sure.
I know that Brother laid out all his personal papers, had put his finances in order as much as he could and laid it all out to make it easy for us. He didn’t think of all the other messy personal details of his life in his living space which his girlfriend and I had to tidy up, come to terms with, turn a blind eye to out of respect and love.
I know exactly where I was when I answered the phone to Older Brother, who anxiously checked that I was not alone, leading up to bad news … “Who is this about?” I interrupted, expecting to hear that a parent was in a bad way. “It’s Brother. He’s killed himself.” There is no way to convey that sick punch in the stomach of nausea. Shock.
I know that the hardest thing I have ever done was tell Father about Brother. Father had dementia and a very poor short term memory. “What were we talking about? Something terrible has happened. What is it?” “Yes, Father. Brother has killed himself”. “Oh! Our B! But he was lovely!”. Rinse. Repeat. Yet Father managed to hold this grim fact long enough to make an entry in the family Bible, with correct details, later, in heartbreakingly shaky handwriting. Then, mercifully he mostly forgot and we let him.
I know that Mother never recovered. Among her papers after she died I found a note in big, scrawly, old-age-desperate handwriting – “Remember Brother’s memorial!” . It’s still not sorted, but will be. Not important in itself. Mother envied Father: “At least he has forgotten.” She never did.
I know that Brother has not vanished from my life, nor from Older Brother’s. He is with us every day. Every step. “It’s just that there’s nothing new”, as Older Brother said.
I still cry. I still love him. I still miss him. Every day.
My only comfort, and cold comfort it is, is that it is what Brother wanted to do, and nothing ever was going to stop him from doing what he had decided to do. Stubborn. Bastard.

I won't say it's a nice memorial, because it's memorializing such a painful thing, but it's a proper one.

Got something in my eye...

Fuck suicide.

Fuck cancer, as always.

I'm sorry Anon.
It helps me to remember that suicide resonates across the years and creates fault-lines that can't come back together again.

A significant way to remember someone you loved. And although his end wasn't what he would have chosen (despite trying to choose) or what you wanted for him, at the very least you get to choose how to remember. And you do that in a meaningful and dignified way.