My friend is turning into a major moocher
 

I have a friend that I'll call "Charlie" to protect the guilty. I've known him for over 3 years and he's been a good friend up until about a couple of months ago.

Charlie is on disability too, and his check is 3 times what mine is. Despite this, Charlie is forever broke and doesn't have money for gas for his car or even food or to pay his utilities, etc.. This is because Charlie is on the medical marijuana program and every penny he gets goes for dope. He once confessed to me that his pot bill is $500/month, but it wouldn't surprise me if it was really more like $600 - $700.

I don't really care how much pot he smokes. It's his life and the amount of marijuana he decides to use is none of my business.

EXCEPT

He continues to up the amount he smokes while his income remains the same. He has started to borrow money from me and "forget" to pay it back. In the past, he'd always repay any loans I gave him, but no more. And on my income I can't afford to just give away $20 here or $40 there.

That's been bad enough, but this Thanksgiving has been the last straw. Since neither of us have family close by, Charlie and I decided to do the meal together and invite this elderly guy we both know who is having health difficulties and whose only family is a daughter who lives in California. And that we'd split the cost of the meal 50/50 with the old guy as our guest.

I paid for a spiral cut ham which was expensive even though it was on sale. Charlie was supposed to pay an amount equivalent to the cost of the ham by picking up some food for the usual Thanksgiving side dishes.

EXCEPT

I learned tonight that he hadn't purchased a single thing because he was already $200 into his over draft protection for his checking account and he had to go pick up some more pot at the dispensary on top of that. :mad2:

So I had to run out tonight and purchase stuff like cranberry sauce, dinner rolls, etc. In effect, I have paid the entire cost for the meal, and I don't know how I'll make it to the end of the month.

I hate to lose a friendship over money, but Charlie and his pot habit have become too high maintenance for the likes of me. :rant:

But this really isn't about losing a friendship over money; it's about being used by someone who's an addict. Medical or other marijuana, he's using to the point where he's willing to overdraft his account, lie to you to get money for more dope, and now to renege on plans and promises made such that you're left unable to make it to the end of the month. If you hadn't already invited the older gentleman you could have just declined to buy sides and eaten the ham by itself (and by yourself) - not a happy outcome but better than meeting his obligation and then hurting financially.

The main issue is that Charlie's mooching and using you won't stop; it'll only escalate. Unless and until he gets his addiction under control he isn't capable of being a friend.

Jeez. Doesn't sound like Charlie is a friend at all.

ETA: totally agree with what orthodoc said.

When he comes to dinner, hand him a can of tuna and say "Sorry Charlie."

Orthodoc, I think your comments are right on. I haven't wanted to accept the fact that Charlie is an addict, but that's exactly what he is. On the one hand, given the nature of Charlie's disability, I can see where medical marijuana could be quite helpful for him. But he is using it the way an addict would, not the way someone would who wanted to avail himself of its therapuetic effects.

There are times these days when Charlie actually seems resentful that I have food in my fridge (hot dogs or hamburger - big whoop) or that I could buy new tires for my truck (I saved for months to be able to get them). I guess he tells himself some fairy tale about how great I'm doing in order to justify his actions. Oh, and his income is actually 4 times what mine is - not 3 like I put in my op. He got himself a part time job a few months back to help with expenses, but that money just goes toward his pot habit, too.

This Thanksgiving thing has made me so angry that it's forced me to open my eyes. I'll be nice tomorrow for the elderly gentleman's sake, but I'm putting my foot down with Charlie. I hope he takes a good look in the mirror before his finances get so bad that he loses his house or something. But I can't fix him. He has to fix himself.

First I must ask, is he sharing his pot with you? If so he may feel he's holding up his end. I'm just shooting in the dark here.
After dinner, hand him a bill for his half. If he doesn't come up with it, in what you consider a reasonable amount of time, cut him loose.

He shares his pot with me very rarely, and when he does, I never take more than a few tokes. That's plenty for me because I don't smoke that much anyhow, so my tolerance is pretty low and a little goes a long way with me.

By way of comparison, my next door neighbor is much more generous with his stash, plus he actually offers to give ME money if I happen to mention I'm strapped or whatever. So, no I can't imagine that Charlie thinks he's holding up his end of things by offering me a few hits maybe once a month.

Have you explained to him what you've explained to us? That your income is a quarter of his and you're struggling too much to be able to loan out money willy nilly.

Charlie is no friend. I like Bruce's idea about giving him a bill for half and then, if he doesn't come up with it within a reasonable time frame, CUT YOUR LOSSES.

He's an addict. We are master manipulators when it comes to our drugs.

Oh, he knows. It's pretty hard to be friends with someone for 3 years and not have some idea about where they are at financially. And we talked a lot about what would happen if Romney got elected and vanished programs like housing vouchers. Which would have quite literally put me out on the streets (yes, I voted for Obama to get my "present" of living in an apartment and not live camped out in the forest :rolleyes:)

Charlie just called when I was writing this - maybe he picked up on the vibes. Anyhow, he redeemed himself to some degree. Today is his birthday and one of his relatives wired him some money as a birthday gift. So, Charlie is going to use part of that money to pay me back for what I've spent on the meal. This news has definately improved my mood.

So Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

{Throws grenade}
Wait a sec... I thought pot wasn't addictive.
{and runs}

Neither is coffee. :rolleyes:

I can quit coffee any time I want.

Perhaps you always thought he might come through even against the odds and that's why you called him "Charlie" instead of "Minnie" (the moocher).

He's an addict. You can't fix him and it will only get worse. He won't change until he decides to do it himself.

Major Moocher

Yep.

The saga continues. So earlier this week Charlie got his check. He mentioned to me that he paid $300.00 toward his outstanding bill with the local medical marijuana outfit, but he still owes another couple of hundred. Meanwhile, he has let his Medicare supplemental insurance go because he can't afford the extra $200 or so each month. So, he can't afford the co-pay to get medical treatment (besides the "medical" marijuana that is). He has outstanding bills with the electric company and his phone/internet provider.

This afternoon I called him and he said he's out of food and can't afford the $15.00 to pick up one of his prescriptions. Oh, grrrrr! I can't stand to see someone go hungry and/or go without needed meds - even if they bring it on themselves. Call me co-dependent, because I am.

I'm paranoid about how I'm going to get by if I don't find work before my unemployment runs out. So one thing I've been doing is stockpiling food in my freezer and pantry as I am able. Like if there's a really good sale or mark downs, I'll buy extra if I have the money and then I'll have a bit of a cushion against possible hard times to come. Plus, today I got my check, so I have a little money in my pocket.

I told Charlie I'd loan him the money for his prescription and a loaf of bread. I busted his chops over the loan and told him he HAD to pay me back. And then I raided my food supply and gave him a few bags of groceries in addition to the cash.

I broke one of Sam's Golden Rules of Living by doing this - NEVER make a loan to a friend (or anyone else for that matter) unless you can afford to write the loan off as a gift if it doesn't get repaid. Plus, I know I am just enabling Charlie to continue with his addiction and how good a friend helps another drive himself into the ground? I'd never loan Charlie the money to go buy a bag, but heck, I might as well have. Charlie came over and smoked a couple of pipes while we were talking, so we all know what his priorities are.

The food thing really gets to me, but even though we live in a small town in the middle of nowhere, the folks here manage to support a local charity that gives groceries to those in need of them. The only qualification is that you have to be sober when you go to apply for them. Plus, the churches here take turns running a soup kitchen open to all. Without my help, Charlie might be humbled but he wouldn't be hungry.

And it's his life. If he'd rather buy pot instead of his meds, well, that's his choice.

I just don't know. :thepain:

And right now, I'm more mad at myself than I am at him. Ms. Doormat, that's me.

This caught my eye, and been on my mind.

Even once may be enough for him to rationalize that his with you sharing is equal.
If you ever do draw the line, it will have to be mutually impermeable.

I couldn't care less whether he shares or not. I like it now and then, but I do quite nicely without, too. I guess my personal "take it or leave it" response to pot was part of what has taken me so long to understand how truely addicted Charlie is.

Well put. Charlie has let his Medicare supplement go, not because he can't afford it, but because he prefers to buy pot with it.

You're a generous, good-hearted person; don't beat yourself up for that. At the same time, be careful not to let Charlie's mooching put you in danger. He will take and take, never thinking about your situation at all. That's what addiction does. He has other options for food, and he's making his own choices about whether to buy meds or not. Protecting yourself in this scenario doesn't make you a selfish or bad person.

Thank you, orthodoc! I am so upset over this situation that I'm still awake at 12:30AM. It's not like Charlie is some awful person - far from it. Back in a better day before things got so bad for him, he had helped me through some rough times of my own. He's intelligent and funny and in many ways, he's still a good friend.

But...

Like the last time I went over to his place he was so stoned/out of it that I got fed up with him and cut my visit short.

Like he spends lots of time talking about all these big dreams and plans which I think he could actually achieve but for - yeah, the pot.

And unlike you, Doc, I'm not a real doctor and I don't really understand to what extent medical marijuana may be helping him. To me, it just seems to be hurting him, but maybe his symptoms would be really awful without it?

I don't really know anyone IRL that I can talk to about this because I met Charlie through AA and most of my friends here are AA members, so I feel like I would be breaking Charlie's anonmity which is a HUGE AA no-no if I bring up my concerns about him to someone else. Plus, I'd feel sort of hypocritical because I myself take prescribed meds that AA would say I shouldn't be on. But at least MY meds are covered by my health insurance and I pay about $50.00/month for them as opposed to Charlie's $500.00 plus.

Nothing is ever easy is it? :(

I'm sorry this is so distressing, Sam. Charlie's been a good friend in the past. No addict starts out being an awful person - addiction is biochemical. It's possible for anyone to become addicted if the right neuro pathways are stimulated long enough, but some people have an inborn neurological vulnerability. It really does run in families. It's heartbreaking to watch someone struggle with and/or succumb to a destructive addiction. At the same time, things change when the addiction takes over. Obligations, relationships, everything else disappears off the radar.

I don't know Charlie's situation and of course can't comment on his therapy. From what you've said here, though, somewhere along the line a problem has arisen. It is possible to call a medical office and communicate concerns about a patient. The office can't give you any information, they can't even really tell you that patient is on their roster, but you can voice a concern and request that your name not be given if/when they see Charlie and bring up the topic. If the system is set up correctly it should be possible for them to see every purchase Charlie makes, every fill of his prescriptions.

A talk from his provider won't fix the problem, though. Even if they monitor his use more carefully, he'll buy it privately. The best help you can probably give Charlie is not to enable him. If you feel able to talk to him about your concerns, you can direct him toward local services. He won't take your advice until he's ready, but you can be a friend by nudging him toward help. Addiction is hard for everybody. :(

That's what I was wondering when I asked.
Be glad he doesn't wear golf shoes.;)