Who's walking on eggshells now?
 

The shoe is on the other foot now.

Yesterday, swmbo totally came out of a bag on me, and I just said Sorry, I'm moving out.

since then swmbo has been on best behaviour and giving me a wide berth. I'm looking for apartments.

scary as fuck, right now.

Call anytime, anon. my phone number is in your email inbox. I'm in your corner.

So sorry. Hang in there.

And protect yourself - find a good lawyer stat.

I don't understand what this all means, but I get the general idea of your post anon.

Sorry it's all going pear shaped. Good luck with getting things back in order. xx

Keep your head high and on straight, and you'll make it through this all right. You know we're here for you.

Ali SWMBO is
She
Who
Must
Be
Obayed

Generly Wifey for us Yanks


Anon , Stay Strong , We ALL are with you !!!

Get as much done as possible in case she forces you out before you're ready. Move guns, tools, etc, to a safe location.

that's advice you should heed, foot. bruce sees clearly. especially re the wimminz. he who recovers first recovers best.

Stay safe, anon, and keep a level head.


Sent by thought transference

What the others have said, and a *hug*

Sorry, man! But like the others have said, we are here for you.

Sorry to hear of this.

Soon to come are the best days of your life.

what Toad said.

I"m sorry, too. :(

Be well, anon. Have peace.

Maybe wait until youre settled down a bit to have a piece.

I haven't been around and I dunno who or what is going on, but hang in there. There is LIFE on the other side. Many of us have been through it.
Hang tight, keep your head about you and THINK before acting.

Be well.

yeah, I;ve been thru it TWICE.

sucked both times but one time sucked harder than the other.

LOVE to you, anon.

Oh, this sucks.

But my sense of the matter is that you've been way too unhappy for way too long. I know there are two sides to every story but your situation seems a bit nightmarish and the end result is the same: you're unhappy as hell and that's no way to live.

Hang in there.

Good luck dude. Bruce is right, get your gear out and safely stowed.

Holy shit! I actually know who we're talking about. I think it's the first time.

I am Spartacus!

No, I am Spartacus!

You're both wrong. Jim is Spartacus!

I'm not Spartacus...am I?:confused:

No, I'm Spartacus. Equal opportunity, y'know.

Women can use you and toss you aside without ever looking back. It hurts. I still hurt deeply from my last crash & burn 5 years ago. But, things do get better and it really helps if you can move away so you don't run into her or even hear about her

Sorry to hear, Anon. Stay strong and good luck. :hug:

Men do the same thing, often much more efficiently than women manage to. But I'm biased, and this thread is anon's. Just sayin' - it cuts both ways.

And moving away is a good thing, I've found.

It certainly does cut both ways, there's nasty people in every camp.

So I went to see a counselor the other day to address some of the emotional issues. At one point he said, "It doesn't sound like you need marriage counseling, it sounds like you need divorce counseling."

I've not moved out yet, but I am in another bedroom and there's a lot of civility. which is good, One of the things I've realized just recently is that she doesn't really love me, although she says and thinks she does. It's more like she likes the idea of loving me but wouldn't really know what love was if it bit her on the ankle. I'm sure she loves the kids, but she's not married to them.

Anyway, I'm taking steps to keep things civil for the kids and paving the way for divorce counseling.

Kind of scary.

I remember that milestone.

Scary is just one of the feelings I was buffeted by in that storm of emotions. I can't fucking advise you on which way to run or turn to avoid x or y or z. I was opposed to divorce for a LONG time. I sought **marriage** counselors, not *divorce* counseling. I didn't get what I was wanted, but I did get what I needed, to borrow a lyric. It's true, too.

Civility is good, but don't let it inhibit your efforts to protect yourself.

Great advice. Civility is good, especially where kids are involved. And one person can take the high road even if the other person stops at some point.

But - do protect yourself. Most of us probably wish we'd done a better job. 'Nuff said.

And the emotional storm - I didn't realize it would happen and wasn't well prepared for it; I thought I was totally resolved and didn't expect to feel yanked hither and yon. Knowing about it, preparing for it, is a good thing.

Glad things are calm for now. Get your stuff safe, take care of yourself, be good to yourself. People here have your back.

i try to be very nice to my ex, but she sure takes advantage of me. she had me do her front brakes in the parking lot of an auto supply store on friday. i even had to pay for all the parts and have the rotors turned. most of ya'll know the hell i went through when she left me for another soldier while i was in a military hospital. i went 18 months without seeing addie. anyway, by being nice i get to see addie just about anytime i want.

of course i should have known better than try to have a relationship with a girl 26 years younger than me. never again!

26 years younger!?

You need to re-read Ortho's advice on that matter. She's a doctor.

I know, but little ead was thinking. I had just come back from a pretty rough tour in Iraq and went buck wild in a college town. The only thing I can say in my defense is she had big titties and freckles

who needs freckles?

Your honor, we drop our charges.

Oh, another negative was I dated her mother in college :(

:shock:

Now this is getting good!

ya'll don't remember all of this drama in 2008 and early 2009? i totally spilled my guts. i was hurting so bad. i still haven't recovered

Now that you mention it, it does sound familiar. But I don't remember the details. I'm glad you have a good enough relationship with her to be able to go driving trucks through the woods with Addie.

I remember sarge but the fact that she was 26 yrs. your junior and you'd dated her mom slipped by me.

Hey, big guy. It took me 11 (as in eleven) years to get over my ex. But I did. And now I'm glad I'm not in his life anymore. he got weird.

I'm at this stage. It's not gonna take eleven years though. We still have the connection of a minor child, so there's that. Everything else has fallen off to opposite sides of some emotional/social mountain range that lies between our positions. The distance now is amazing.

My ex is still a manipulator. She married the other soldier 2 weeks before he deployed. They were divorced 18 months after he got home. Now she calls me to handle all of the "men's work". I play nice because of Addie. Plus, she still has big titties and freckles

Sarge, Sarge ...

:facepalm:

So I've been going to get my brain tightened once a week now for a while and learning how to negotiate the split, she just began seeing a counselor of her own and the idea is that after a while we go see someone together who has spoken with each of our shrinks.

So my homework for the week is to think about who I am taking care of in our interactions and learn to take care of me. OK sounds good, very hard to do or even notice at the time.

So today a friend of ours stops by and invites us to a thing tonight; music and dancing. I don't really dance, or I should say I really don't dance. I do dance but not to the beat everyone else is hearing. I find it very hard to pick out the bass in most music as I have a figure/ground hearing issue. So for all intents and purposes I don't dance with other people.

And, I really hate last minute invites to things sometimes. It depends a lot on who and what, but this was one of those times. These were are hippy friends who believe in extra terrestrials, chemtrails, and other really really out there conspiracy theories. They are a lot of fun in minute doses, not whole evenings worth.

And, I really am not so into going on a "date" with my wife especially when she thinks it would be an antidote rather than some sort of nostrum for our slowly poisoned marriage.

Here's the mind boggling part that reminds me of how out of it she really is. After asking me if I want to go out with her on a date (Not really, I don't dance and I don't want to sit next to mr hippy who doesn't dance and listen to him drone on without a pause about ...) she then proceeds to explain to me that the purpose of going on a date is for me to look at her and admire her and shower her with lots of attention, more admiration, desire, and longing.

So based on that it would seem that she thinks the reason our marriage is on the rocks is that I don't worship her enough. That is true because you can't fill a well with snow, but why would I be leaving her if all I needed to do to make everything better was to worship her? I can see how she's trying to change the problem in her mind to one she can win at. It isn't that she was so nasty to me over the years that she killed any warm feelings I had, it's that she's leaving because I am not paying her enough attention and here's my chance to make things better.


I am deep in WTF territory and putting the full court press on full time job hunting so I can either buy her out or move out.

Not sure how much sense any of that made.

Made perfect sense.

yeah. perfect sense.

The only part that didn't make sense is where you see a counselor together who has talked to both counselors. WTF is that bullshit? Is that something you think YOU need, or was it dictated to you? Just take care of your own bad self, her surprise is coming down the road when there's nobody putting her pussy on a pedestal.

Foot - If you haven't read Gone Girl, I recommend you do it very soon. Your situation reminded me of the book.

I agree with UT. Unless it gives you leverage with the court, fuck it.

Its impossible to really know what's going on in someone else's head. We all paint our worlds to our own needs and tastes. And we never really know what old hurts and grievances our partners may be holding on to. Your wife may be blind to the hurts she has inflicted and see only those sustained. And who knows, maybe vice versa. Or she may be reaching for reasons that make it not her fault.

Doesn't matter either way. What's important now is protecting your self. Emotionally, financially and any other 'ally you want to add.

I also am a tad cynical about relationship counsellors and the like. I think you know when it's over. Might take a while to allow that thought real headroom, or recognise it for what it is, but I think there is a point of no return in relationships. Once you go past that point it's the endgame.

Anyways. Them's just my thoughts. I feel for you, I do. It's a shitty place to be right now. But this too will pass, and at the end of the journey is resolution and change.

If I may echo Dana with an Aussie accent...

Dates? Counsellors? Fuck that shit. It's OVER. The only thing now is to complete the extraction with a minimum of further damage. Avoid being suckered into mind games.

I think the counselors are to help make the split amicable, not to keep the marriage together. At least that was my interpretation. Although it does seem that the Mrs. is not seeing it the same way.

Once again, Her Fobbulousness hits it on the head. The point of the counselors is to minimize damage control and make the split as amicable as possible.

I am seeing my guy because he is helping me see when I am being manipulated or subjected to crazy logic and also to learn how to take care of myself rather than adapting to someone else's needs. Believe it or not this has been something I've been completely oblivious to for most of my life. (Mom was a hard core narcissistic borderline personality who made sure we understood we existed to make her happy and look good)

So my counselor has already been very helpful to me already by teaching me when I am being baited and how not to get sucked in. I suspect my emotional IQ is hovering around 60. Probably less. There's just a lot of stuff I don't see mainly because I can't be arsed to play games, I just assume everyone is bargaining in good faith. I can be a real tool.

The point of us seeing a counselor together is mostly so I can get a witness, I really doubt that hearing what I've been saying from a third party will make any difference but at least I will have that shit on record if it comes to that. The other part of that is it is truly impossible to have a rational conversation with her, so that would preclude any type of "Let's hash this out ourselves like a couple of grownups" conversations.

Her seeing a counselor independently is mainly for her to get her side down and perhaps reveal to her person how nutty she is or when our counselors talk to one another and compare notes they will be aware of the disconnect.

This scenario was proposed to me by a friend who is a therapist. It's no skin off my teeth as insurance is paying for it. And I don't see how it could backfire on me as I know for a fact I am not crazy, depressive, yes. Crazy, no.

At my first session with my counselor he said "It sounds to me like you don't need a marriage counselor, you need a divorce counselor. So that's basically what he is to me, and has been amazingly helpful to me in seeing things about myself and my adaptive behaviors that I've never really seen before.

I will read Gone Girl, Thanks for the tip, Pete.

I have been patiently lining up my pieces and doing my homework, Thankfully, two years ago my state enacted no fault divorce which makes things go much quicker assuming both parties are amicable, otherwise it can drag on for years and thousands of dollars.

I have been focusing the rest of my energy on full time career change trading what I've done historically for a new pasture. I've also been spending a lot more time with the kids who know something is up but have not been told. They frequently bring up divorce as a subject, the younger one, the mm, is very clingy and has taken a few steps backwards in the potty department, cries a lot when her mom goes out and so forth.

Thanks for all your feedback.

OK, dat splain it. Glad you've got your head on straight.

Oh, and you're far from a tool. :smack:

hanghanghang in there. You're on the right track.

Stay strong ... no fault is great if things can stay amicable.

Sounds like you have a good handle on the situation. Stay strong, you'll be through this before you know it.