Domestic abuse in the spotlight
 

Justin Lee Collins, a comedian and tv presenter, was found guilty this week of harrassing his former partner, causing fear of violence.

This is a bit of a legal landmark:

Many of the details are bizarre. But they have a ring to them that is recognisable. The 'through the looking-glass' nature of emotional abuse.

Alongside orders to always sleep facing him:



http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-19783496


He has been sentenced to 140 hours unpaid community work.

Mental and emotional abuse takes tolls that even time doesn't completely alleviate.

Using the past against the person is a good one. You love someone and tell them your secrets, bare your past and your mistakes. Then, days, years, months later during an argument, those things are brought up. Only now this person you loved and trusted more than anyone is using them as a weapon.

Having been victim to some physical abuse and a lot of mental abuse, I can tell you that the deepest and most lasting scars come from the dismantling of your psyche. Now you have someone in your life who not only agrees with your low opinion of yourself, they feed that hate and make you feel that it's a pretty goddam good thing THEY like you, because if anyone else in your life really knew you, they would hate you too.

I don't think I will ever heal, and that's evidenced in so much of my life.

When I was young, I thought abuse was only sexual (rape) or physical (hitting). Little did I know...there are many ways to abuse someone. Emotional, verbal, spiritual, and financial are a few of them. Abuse is all about control over another person. The subtle ones are extremely difficult to recover from because they destroy your soul and sense of self...not to mention that other people don't "see" them, so they tend to disbelieve you or minimize your pain.

It has taken a huge amount of work and time for me to overcome the damage and I still have flashbacks and triggers. :thepain: And it's been a dozen years since I was last abused.

Yeah. I think it's a real step forward that this sort of controlling behaviour has been treated as abuse in such a formal way. Advocate groups are complaining that the sentence is too lenient, but the very fact that it's been treated this way in law at all is important.

Also, though the community service may be seen as a derisory sentence by some, taking into account Collin's public persona, and the humiliation of a public reckoning, I doubt it is so easily shrugged off.

I have interacted with people who had previously been in (non-physically) abusive relationships, and the scars were still there and still crippling their functioning years later.

Does "unpaid community work" include being pilloried and pelted with rotten vegetables?

Yabut, while emotional abuse is a real and terrible thing, I've talked to people who I'm sure believed they were abused, but convinced me it was all (or mostly) in their head.

Conversation.
She- I was afraid to do X because he would kill me.

Me- Did he ever threaten to kill you... or any physical violence?

She- Yes, he broke a plate once.

Me- That's bad, did it hit you or did he miss and it just broke near you?

She- I was in the other room... but he was mad at me when he broke it.

That's just one example of real conversations I've had. When anyone says someone would kill them if... the red flags go up. I usually try to pursue it to find out what's going on, and if there is really something sinister.
The other thing is when someone goes to their friends with their fears, real or imagined, friends want to be supportive so they heap on disdain without questioning the veracity of the claims. That just reinforces the "victims" perceived reality.

OK, it's real and it's bad. But when I hear of a campaign for public awareness for such&such, I think here come the torches and pitchforks. Well meaning people will be on the lookout for a chance to contribute to the fight against such&such. Ah, the danger of good intentions. Hello, don't forget to think.

Sure. That's the problem with emotional/mental/psychological abuse. It's subjective. What might unhinge one person could slide right off another person's back. It's too slippery to define; we can all say 'I know it when I see it', but if someone else's experience doesn't match our perception we just don't see it.

I don't see courts ever stepping in in a meaningful way, except in cases where the abuse is egregious and everybody 'sees' it, or where it's an adjunct to physical abuse. That's the damnable thing about it - it'd be SO much easier if the guy just hauled off and decked you.

Bottom line, it's a form of cruelty, and courts don't deal with that very well. Because individual reactions differ so much, it isn't easy to categorize; the PTSD is real but it isn't visible like the PTSD that POWs suffer. I don't see a solution.

Broke a plate in another room? Really? Not your arm and not your will?

Lucky her. There are those who make it hard for those who need it to be able to stand up and put their personal shame aside and make that move.

I have no respect for a plate whiner.

Well, that proves it. Plates have no standing in a court of law. Plate abuse is legal.

Do cats have legal standing in court? In court, which has more credibility? An injured cat or a threatened wife? (Not intended as a facetious queston.)

The difficulty is that the injured cat is always a crime. The wife has to be willing to press charges, otherwise there's nothing anyone can do about it.

From what I've seen on our local news, a domestic violence call now makes
it required for Oregon police to take the man (usually) in to jail for the rest of the day/night.
Release then is dependent on circumstances (wife/witnesses/man's attitude/etc.)

This serves to get the man out of the house and allows the situation to cool down.

And if that man kills a cat, what happens to him?

Yeah. DV is not just physical. It doesn't matter if he never did more than break a plate.

My X never hit me or laid a hand on me until the night I ran for my life. So I spent 8 long years being verbally and emotionally tortured and physically threatened, because maybe it was all me, you know? Maybe I was exaggerating the situation? Maybe I was being "difficult" cuz I "made" him so mad? Maybe I just needed to figure out a better/different/nicer way to talk and do things? Maybe, if I just completely destroyed myself and because a stepford wife, he would be happy and not abuse me and the kids?

Not bloody likely.

He clawed his own face once and told me he'd tell the police I did it (so I'd go to jail and lose my kids).

He picked up a frying pan of hot grease and threated to disfigure my face with it.

He cocked his fist at me more than once, threatening to beat my head in.

He spit in my face several times.

He tried to get me fired and scared off every friend I had.

He threated to kill my son. I was at work at the time, a neighbor heard the threat and called police, who did nothing.

He constantly told me how ugly and bad and useless and greedy and unwanted I was. Said he'd rather pay a $2 whore than have sex with me.

But he never laid a hand on me.

Until the night he tried to strangle me and I ran.

Abuse "in someone's head* is the most difficult kind to recognize and fight. Abuse victims often doubt and blame themselves and minimize the abuse. What you are told initially is usually only the tip of the iceberg. When the people they tell minimize and dismiss the issue, they are compounding the problem.

If you are unsure whether someone is truly being abused, then simply direct them to expert help - DV sites, help lines, books, safe houses, etc. But please don't shrug them off as making things up.

Oh, and he killed my step daughter's cat and 'disappeared' my pomeranian. They were competition for his affection and attention.

What Stormie said. Breaking a plate in the next room is one simple act taken out of context. It's worth repeating: "If you are unsure whether someone is truly being abused, then simply direct them to expert help - DV sites, help lines, books, safe houses, etc. But please don't shrug them off as making things up. "

Some statistics for the UK:

http://www.whiteribboncampaign.co.uk..._against_women

Now, I am not for a moment suggesting with this that women are the only victims of domestic violence. Men are also victims, and because of the shame that particularly attaches to men who are abused by women, they are even more hidden than female victims. But, where two women die to a partner or ex-partner every week in England and Wales, somewhere in the region of one man every three weeks dies at the hands of a partner or ex-partner.

Domestic and sexual abuse against women and girls is endemic in western culture. One of the things that allows that paradigm to continue is the general assumption of untrustworthiness which attaches to women in their relationships and lifechoices. It feeds into many aspects of life, from right-wing assumptions that women cannot be trusted with the important choices in reproduction, to even liberal and very unsexist men assuming that chicks are duplicitous in sex and courtship and that many will make unfounded accusations.


Most people know someone who always seems to have problems with their partner, who seems to be at his beck and call, who doesn't have many friends outside of work and their relationship, who isn't bruised but is overly concerned with what their partner will say/think about any decision or situation.

And yes, there are people out there who will make a mountain out of a molehill. But I would bet all that I have that they are vastly outnumbered by those trying to convince themselves and everyone around them that the mountain was made by a mole.

And it give the wife time to get a quick restraining order to keep him out.
Pretty much the same around here for a long time, except when they force him to leave, with no evidence or corroboration strictly he said/she said, they usually won't lock him up unless he's drunk or gives them shit.

This is why I firmly believe that there are as many men emotionally abused as women. One, they're much better at it, and two, they hold the aces.
~It's ALWAYS the man that has to leave, children or not.
~She can get a restraining order in a heartbeat under the courts theory better safe than sorry, issue it and then investigate... if his lawyer insists.
~For a man to get a restraining order he better have grievous wounds... but of course he's already on the street.

So she can hold that over him like Damocles's sword. The threat of being on the street, with no money and no where to go is just as frightening for him.
Are you aware that in more households than not, the woman controls ALL the money. Usually he'll get a weekly allowance, and can sign a check if he wants to risk the blowback.

Why do you think so many men sneak around? Not talking about sex, sneaking off to play golf, go to the race track, or go to the pub.
It's because he doesn't want to risk the ire of the sword holder.
I'm not saying this is the majority situation, just it's a bigger minority than you think.

Being men we can't complain to our buddies, so we compensate by a code.
Hey Joe, what's the matter, man, you look stressed.
Joe says, my old lady, the wife, that bitch, or something to that effect.
At that point every man within earshot nods knowingly and clams up or says something like, Hey, how about them Knicks.

You were in a horrible situation that no human should have to endure. I'm not making light of that for one minute. And I'm not saying if it was so bad why didn't you leave, because you were in the same boat as the guys I described above. It's a hell of a lot harder than it sounds.

What I was saying in the previous post is, although there can be abuse without it, there's no way for me as an outsider, (non-family), to justify any action on my part if there's not even a claim of threatened violence.
Ask any cop about the danger of being attack by BOTH parties in a domestic.

How do you make one law fits all in such a difficult to access situation?
Tell me what laws you want passed to stop what you went through?

I agree, Bruce, that men can be and are abused. Abuse is not just man on woman or adult on child. Women abuse men frequently, more frequently than we are know, because men are loathe to admit to it. My support site has several male members, one of whom is a biker whom you'd never suspect could or would be abused. And yet, he was.

Abuse can be between anyone where the balance of power is unequal. Because abuse is control over another and that requires power. Men often use physical abuse, because they are usually physically stronger than women. Adults are bigger and more knowledgeable, so they abuse children. Bosses abuse employees, religious leaders abuse followers, etc. Abuse can be emotional, financial, verbal, physical, sexual, and spiritual. It's not just threats to kill or hitting.

I'm not sure the laws themselves need to be changed much, but the application of them and the bias/misconception of law enforcement and the general public. When the police show up to a call, they need to understand that just because there are no black eyes or bruises, that isn't necessarily a sign of lack of abuse. Judges need to recognize that there is more to abuse than punching. Generally, people need to be able to speak up about it and be believed. The main reason victims on my site say they didn't say or do anything earlier is fear that no one would believe them or that they would be accused of exaggerating. They even doubt themselves, so why would anyone else take their issues seriously?

So education.

Educate everyone from children all the way up to judges about abuse and what it is. Bullying is a form of abuse and we are not doing nearly enough about it. Spousal abuse goes both ways. Let women and men know that they don't have to tolerate mistreatment, that everyone deserves to be treated with respect. That there is life beyond an abusive partner; actual people who do not abuse. Put in place help for former victims to gain confidence and esteem, and learn healthy ways to interact. Prevent the cycle from reoccurring.

Those who stop the cycle are the true unspoken heroes of our world.

I agree, and would add - educate young women to see their own skills and careers as nonnegotiable, as something to be achieved and established before ever thinking about taking on a mate ... educate young women that doing the 'logical' thing in staying home and letting credentials and CV slide so that 'necessary jobs' aren't duplicated by both partners is an abdication of what they owe themselves and their children ... educate women, and men, that everyone has the right to pursue a dream to its full potential, that everyone deserves respect within a relationship, and that if partners want to raise children, it takes ALL adults concerned, fully committed and contributing equally ... otherwise, no children.

If this causes the human race to cease to exist, so be it. But I don't think it will.

men are definitely abused too. i had typed out a few tidbits from my old relationship but reread it and i deleted it. i just want the memories to go away. they never will. unless you have walked in my shoes or anyone who has been a victim of DV, you will never understand. you can try, but you won't.

i used to shake my head and not understand why someone would stay in an abusive relationship. why wouldn't they just leave? it's not that easy. they abuse you then say they're sorry and it will never happen again.....then it does. again. and gets progressively worse. in my case anyway, it did.

thinking about that relationship sends chills up my spine.

Awww....I know how you feel. I rarely mention my past outside of my abuse site, but felt the need to on this thread, because abuse is not just hitting or being threatened with your life. And it isn't easy to escape. The abuse cycle is vicious and I, too, was trapped in it for years.

Educate the young, yes. As for educating adults, I don't think most adults need to be educated as to what it is, how it works. I think every adult has seen it in their family, Uncle Joe treats sweet Aunt Edna like shit, or vice versa. Or maybe their social circle, Ruth is a real bitch to Pat, ain't she, or vice versa.

I guess the education should be that we won't chalk it up to human nature and mind our own business. We may not personally intercede, but we see you, we know what you're doing, we know you're being an asshole. That social peer pressure could help in some cases I think. But I'm no pro either, so it's just an opinion.
Of course there are the isolated people, especially when the isolation is part of the pattern.

The cops aren't going to be much help, I'm afraid. First of all because they will never have enough training to sort out the he said/she said situations. And frankly, he/she was mean to me, and said bad things, will never be in their job description.

You ain't hurt, not being physically restrained, walk out that door. Simple as that. If you want, we'll wait 10 minutes while you grab your shit and make sure you get out safely, but we've got crimes to fight, and donuts to kill.

Secondly, you want the cops to be more sensitive to emotions, at a time when they're being equipped and trained as a paramilitary force that drops flashbangs in children's bedrooms. Sheriff Andy isn't going to stop by with friendly advice, ever again in most places.

OK, like you said from the gitgo, more awareness.
But please folks, no torches and pitch forks... unless the perps are a different color, or creed, or gingers. :haha: