On avoiding being avoidant
 

I was always one to avoid conflict IRL. It just isn't natural for me to fight for stuff. It stresses me the hell out. Unfortunately, I've been paired with a conflict seeker at work. She will argue every little question rather than simply trying something, but it appears she is capable of letting go of the argument after. I've had some positive effect on her affect and really gave her the business the Monday after the schedule incident. This has lead to better communication but she apparently needs to communicate through argument which is my least preferred mode. I'm keeping at it for the sake of classroom atmosphere and the plus is it forces me to review the literature on stuff to show where my methods come from. A lot that I do is simple best practice stuff that she should have embraced long ago but maybe no-one ever pushed her back before. <shrug> Advice on handling this personality type is appreciated.

I try 2 things. First, every time the person wants to argue, I ask "do you realize how argumentative that sounds?" Hopefully that leads to constructive dialogue. If that doesn't work, I make non-verbal completely neutral guttural sounds and do what I want.

Thanks spexx I'll try the first, then embrace the second.;)

Sounds like you work with my wife.

If this is what your home-life is like you shoulda bailed a long time ago.

Dude. Just. I know.

Yeah. Not the flippant comment to make. You've got much more on the line.

Sounds like this person could be feeling insecure, and perceives questions as attacks on her credibility, perhaps? Could help if you phrase your questions with this in mind...at least for a while, until she realizes she can trust you.

I wish I could offer some help, but I too am a chronic avoider of conflict in real life. Your coworker would stress me out too.

What, no-one has suggested that he kick her in the &%$#?

Can you tell if she is arguing just to argue (like bouncing ideas off people) or does she have a strong need to win? I'm not an expert on this by any means but I have found that those two situations need completely different responses.

If it is the first then I would say the best course of action would to be more argumentative since she likely won't take arguments personally. Some people just need to argue to get an understanding of the problem or because they are very upfront. I'm assuming you are non-confrontational because you don't like dealing with insulted people (I'm the same way)? It may help to view it as a friendly debate instead of a personal argument.

If it is the second, then I would try being overly rational. Getting emotional will only feed her and putting her in her place (in a non-sexist way) will only cause her to turn against you and make your life hell. If you can make a point without insulting her pride, that is probably the best way to go. However, this is much easier said than done.

I think she is arguing for understanding, since she doesn't appear to learn from reading or reflection. There is a huge control issue though. I've never seen anyone so obsessed with kids walking in straight lines and being quiet. Put that personality in an integrated classroom and you will have difficulty between a Special Educator (me) and an Early Educator (her). I don't think she takes the arguments personally but I find it exhausting dealing with her. Her affect in the classroom can get very negative, which leads to children getting emotional. Since she hasn't build relationships with the children, they seek comfort from me or the aides, impacting the amount of time I spend with my guys who already need more from me because instruction isn't being leveled.

I think we are just a terrible personality match. I think I can get her through this year but I'll do my level best not to work with her again.

this is unwinnable. turn and walk away Mr Quixote.

Does she have a boss?

Can you as the senior team member speak to someone "of au-tho-rah-tay" whose and tell them these mistakes she's making? Let her "argue" with someone else? It sounds like she's causing trouble, making more work for herself, for you, detracting from the environment for the kids. Avoiding conflict isn't a bad thing. Unless it's your responsibility to train her, tell the people whose job it is to make sure she's doing the right things and let them deal with the conflict.

Why would she listen to you anyhow? Just for sparring practice? Or to learn from you? If her "affect" is having a negative impact in the classroom, who should compel her to change it?

I'm getting the idea that she isn't big on the "team" concept. Another teacher in the building, but not part of my organization, told me he was sorry I was passed over for the leadership position in my room. She may not understand her role at all. More later, good questions...

Standing by.

Does she have a boss? Our boss is supposed to observe her this week.

Can you as the senior team member speak to someone "of au-tho-rah-tay" whose and tell them these mistakes she's making? Sure, I can pass it up the ladder. Let her "argue" with someone else? Not really, she is arguing the day to day classroom decisions that we make at our team meetings. It sounds like she's causing trouble, making more work for herself, for you, detracting from the environment for the kids. Correct imho. Avoiding conflict isn't a bad thing. Unless it's your responsibility to train her, tell the people whose job it is to make sure she's doing the right things and let them deal with the conflict. It isn't explicitly my responsibility. She arrived with skills and training, unfortunately her attitudes are in conflict with my personal vision of what is appropriate. My previous administrator would have been behind me 100%, it is time to find out what our brand new administrator thinks.

Why would she listen to you anyhow? It has always been my practice when entering a new organization to adopt the culture of the place unless it somehow ineffective. Just for sparring practice? Apparently. Or to learn from you? Hopefully. If her "affect" is having a negative impact in the classroom, who should compel her to change it? People can only change themselves. I cannot change her.

It has been my unfortunate experience that teachers who place great stakes on the compliant behaviour of the children in their class are compensating for their underperformance in other areas. "Look how well i have taught the kids to follow my direction. Therefore it cannot possibly be my fault that their math skills are below average as I am clearly capable of instructing them"

Of course this snippet is of no help to you whatsoever, sorry.

Do you think she's compensating in this way? Could that and the argumentative thing both be covers for her fears that she is inadequate? And if so, do you think maybe finding and praising areas that she is good at/has a better approach to might redirect her? Just like you would do with the kids......