tests for potential relationships
 

ok, everyone has certain tests for potential partners... the crux point where you are trying to figure out if this person is good for the long term.

what are yours?

i'll start - as i've receantly learned a new one:

test: a few good dates in when things are more open and comfortable, find a context by which to ask if she has done mistakes in how she treated her partners in previous relationships.

what's the answer i'm looking for: yes i have.

why: unless they never had any relationships, everyone has done so at some point, and if there's anything i learned from my last painful relationship is that if someone can't admit to it and has to be rightous all the time, they will be right as they go on wronging you. the capacity for people to judge their own action is critical for both growing and adapting to others, and i'm not going with someone who doesn't have that capacity ever again (well, if i am honest with myself i should add "unless she's too hot for my brain to work").

Name the Monkees, read (especially science fiction), match caliber.

Cycling, camping, and hiking in "bad" weather. If we're still having fun, it is a go. Year 21 coming up.

I think really, there's no 'test' that will work. Some couples seemingly have everything going for them and then it doesn't work. Others seem like they're permanently on the cusp of breakup, but somehow stay strong for decades.

Can't measure and quantify it that much I don't think.

Still...once you've experienced one of those breakpoints it can show up some potential dangers to watch for in future.

dana - you might be right, but right now i am on the cautious side.

awosme idea.

also: find something you disagree about which is important to you.

politics, religion, hell when she whines about how her mother dispresects her see if you can take her mother's side just for the sake of it.

if you can talk about stuff you disagree about without an all out war and without someone ending up backpadeling just to make the other person happy, then that has to be a good sign.

.357!? I'm not cutting off .143 for anyone!:apistola:

Match caliber? Are you talking strike anywhere or book matches?

:bolt:

Im with Griff on this one ,
All so ,And ,or , ( hey i just woke up and im on pain meds )
if you and the potential sig other can canoe together ,
fun boozy day trip with mutual friends ,
then over nighter , camping on the river
and still have fun , well then you 2 have a good chance of makeing it
My wife and i are gonig on 24 years

Do you spit out your car window?

You do? How very honest of you. However, I won't date you. ;)

I don't believe in 'testing' people. It's deceitful. As interactions develop, they're either on your wavelength or not. People can 'say' anything, anyway...especially in the beginning when they're trying to demonstrate how perfect they are. This is why I come out of the gate as crappy as I always am. I can't keep up the I'm so perfect ruse for very long. :lol:

Mickey Dolenz, Peter Tork, Davy Jones, Mike Nesmith

big sci fi geek

I was good until the 3rd question. alas, wolf... we would never make it. I own no firearms.

Y'know, I must check with Ma, but I have a vague memory of her telling me she'd either had a date with him, or been asked out by Davy Jones. Unless it was our Stella. One of them anyway. Before he was in the Monkeys.

Are you willing to learn?;)

.38, .39 whatever it takes...

Back when I was dating for what seems like forever without finding a good match, someone told me to make a list of 100 "things" I was looking for in a partner. So I started my list and added to it over time. I only got up to #34 though, before I met my boyfriend. I don't know if "putting my wishes out there" did any good or not - but he does meet all the criteria. Maybe really thinking about what I was looking for helped me recognize it when I saw it.

I also think that making hard and fast rules - like knowing all the words to the Rocky Horror soundtrack (with dance moves) should be relaxed. Although come to think of it, he does do a mean Time Warp.

yebbut, think where you might be if you'd made it to 100.

Maybe you are only 34% happy.

THAT is a good point...(eyes boyfriend suspiciously from across the room)

Although, anything more than 34% might very well kill me.

I confess, I'm intrigued. What is on your list, or at least the first third of it? That sounds like a really good idea, actually. You can't reach a goal unless you know what it looks like, right?

---

34% happy, LOL.

I dont go for longterm anymore, just boys I can use and abuse until they get over my "get out of my space now, no you dont need to sleep over, we had sex - see ya-ness", or I bolt at the "do you think we can spend more time together?, want to meet my Mum?".

I still have one on facebook that hasnt given up even though I moved 1500kms away from him :)

I think xoxoB told me to give the pretty ones a miss for a while, but I cant help it, I nearly rearended someone in the car the other day when I was perving on a dude walking without his shirt on. I'm cougaring up nicely and I like that they have plenty in common with the kids.

The Dixie Chicks wrote this one for DucksNuts:



"Ready To Run"


When the train rolls by
I'm gonna be ready this time
When the boy gets that look in his eye
I'm gonna be ready this time
When my momma says I look good in white
I'm gonna be ready this time

Oh yeah
Ready, ready, ready, ready...ready to run
All I'm ready to do is have some fun
What's all this talk about love

I feel the wind blow through my hair
I'm gonna be ready this time
I'll buy a ticket to anywhere
I'm gonna be ready this time
You see it feels like I'm starting to care
And I'm going to be ready this time

Oh yeah
Ready, ready, ready, ready...ready to run
All I'm ready to do is have some fun
What's all this talk about love

I'm ready to run...I'm ready to run

Oh
Ready, ready, ready, ready...ready to run
All I'm ready to do is have some fun
What's all this talk about love
I'm ready to run
I'm ready to run
I'm ready to run
I'm ready to run...ready to run...
ready to run...yeah I'm ready to run. I'm ready
Whoa I'm ready to run...I'm ready...I'm ready to run...
I'm ready to run...I'm ready
Oh I'm ready to run..I'm ready.

guessing.... here's a start for a generic boyfriend list

If seeker is female:
#1 penis
#2 doesn't like penis
#3 breathing
#4

If seeker is male:
#1 penis
#2 likes penis
#3 breathing
#4

.....

Here's the relationship test i intend to emply with my next relationship:

1. Can I meet his parent or parents,
2. Have they been hipscored
3. KC registered?

Make sure they would call ahead before playing paintball on somebody else's property.

seriously.

prev three posts remind me of the bunny joke (modified):

How do you catch a bullet?

Hide in the bushes and make a sound like a coyote.

Assuming you're already "in love", there's really only two good tests.

Are you compatible enough that you will still enjoy having conversations with this person when you're older and the sexual heat has dissipated?

Take a vacation together. It's easy to put on your happy face when you're on a date. Much harder to do when you're together 24/7. If you are still enjoying each others company after a week, you'll probably do ok.

I don't test people (intentionally:)).

I either trust 'em, or I don't. And if I don't, no testing required.

HOLY CROSS THREAD CREDIT BATMAN!!!

Ok, I'll bite. A little. After re-checking my list I have discovered that my boyfriend fails on one of these first twelve...I guess I can't have it all.

1. Tall
2. Strong
3. Great sense of humor
4. Humble
5. Liberal
6. Spiritual
7. Loves his kids
8. Gentle
9. Sexually adventurous
10. Good kisser
11. Good teeth
12. Doesn’t wear plaid

---
Care to guess the FAIL?

Plaid?

If you're talking about playing games, then I agree. But I do think there are ways to tell.

I'm torn between tall and strong....
I'll go with tall.

I had no idea what I wanted in a partner until I met beest. I never tested him. 22 years together.

20 years with my partner. No test either. I just knew.

I don't think we know what we really want. I didn't until J came and made me feel good in a certain way. No not that way. Although she does.

Not everything can be quantified and qualified. I think it is a symptom of our society and culture today, everything can be quantified, reduced, decide upon and controlled. I agree with the others here that this testing for a relationship is not my style. Been married to Mrs. Joe for 18+ years now. Would not have missed it for the world. I wold say that the test is ongoing. Heck it's not even a test, it's more like a course. Yea, the course is still in session.

Wasn't there a thread once about reducing compatibility to numbers? It had to be back in 2003-2004. anyone remember?

Anyone mentioned that what you want or believe is important at this particular moment in your life may/may not be relevant in 10, 20, 30 years? As you age your perspective, wants, needs... all change as do theirs. For example. the physical characteristics which may be important when 20-ish will be FAR LESS of a factor as one ages. Whereas the emotional, spiritual and ethical traits will be far more important.

So, you're not hung up on appearance as long as they have the kind of legs you like.


(feet on one end and pussy on the other)

we talkin women or spiders?
Cuz spiders with those scary furry legs FREAK ME OUT at any age.

#4 humble fail.

Highlight my previous post.

I've found some success with the Political Compass, but I recognize it's not for everyone.

Speaking strictly for yourself, right?

"Tests?" No. It's an organic process; it can't be "gamed" to maximize benefit and minimize disappointment. You're doing it wrong.

This is very funny, considering...

But this is correct. :)

But was he hunting a squirrel on a tree while wearing the plaid?

The best kind. I have a pair in mind *right now*. They're a matched set, but I happy to separate them.

Not only hunting, but circling. I didn't notice the plaid. Go figure.

being an organic process can be a good thing or a bad thing.

you can organically fall inlove and have 12-18 months of being high on love hormones reinforced by beautiful sex and bonding moments and convincing your brain to invest more and more of your life in the relationship and that's the mother/father of your future children, only to have it fade and find out that when it comes down to it that person has critical traits you don't really want to live with.

for me, that trait was the incapacity to incorporate other point of views into her understanding of the situation and her actions.

and the results of that trait where nightmarish:
1) a complete incapacity of admiting or thinking of what she does as wrong because it is hurting someone she says she loves.
2) an incapacity to understand the situation given all the perspectives involved and thus the context of her actions.
3) me loosing respect for her as a mother given her lack of capacity to see her own actions in light of child's point of view.

so next time before anything happens organically, i want to make sure that person doesn't have that trait, not because it can't happen with that trait - i know it can - but because i don't want it to.

Trace: you're over thinking it hon. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. There's no magic formula. Sometimes you go into a relationship and just know it's right. And it works. Sometimes you go into a relationship and know it's right....and then 18 months later you're picking bits of your shattered heart out of the carpet.

Then again, you could meet someone and it be turmoil and arguments all the way, and yet somehow the relationship survives through the decades.

The thing maybe to learn from your experience, isn't so much to do with what flaws the next person may or may not have, but that moving in together was a bigger step than perhaps either had truly realised. And that the circumstances of that first experience of living together can have a profound bearing on how the relationship pans out.

That and maybe catching some warning signs that you maybe would have missed before. Stuff like, 'I only ever thought I was in love before, this time I know it's real'...kind of thing.

I doubt it will do you any harm to employ a little caution. Not so much on whether to try for a relationship with someone, but perhaps more cautious about how much 'power' you give away in order to move the relationship on, and perhaps the speed with which that happens.

I also think, and correct me if I am wrong, or tell me off this is too personal (;p) but try to avoid girls who you feel need rescuing, fixing, or nurturing because they're damaged. because all too often the end result of that is that they end up with boosted self esteem and you become the person who got them there, not the one who gets to share it with them.

What you need, imo, is something uncomplicated and fun. No major expectations. Just a little healing and mutual enjoyment. Leave the life partner thing for another time. You've time enough for something lighter.

well, the end result sort of happened, but i don't think i wanted to be the guy coming to the rescue as much as the guy who was already in there and saw stuff that need's fixing and nutrturing because.. well, because he didn't like the consequances of it not being fixed.

that's so freaking true you have no idea.

Understood, but I don't believe you can "test" a person to make these kinds of determinations. If by "test" you mean a proactive, contrived scenario designed to probe a person's inner workings.

I dreamed about the evil ex last night.
I blame this thread.

We're celebrating our 21st wedding anniversary today, I credit this thread.

Congrats Griff!!

My husband is the complete opposite of any other man I was ever seriously involved with before. It's working pretty well.

If I'd applied what I thought was my criteria I'd still be getting involved with dickheads.

I think when you find the person you are meant to be with or who you fit best with or whatever euphemism you want to use for a successful relationship, you start to realise that what you thought you wanted or needed maybe wasn't that important after all.

There's really no way to logically explain the process other than to say that when the dust settles and you're out of the whirlwind stage, it becomes a choice. I honestly believe that you choose to love someone because they're the best fit for you, and if they choose you back, then you have something special. You just have to keep choosing each other through good times and bad. When you stop deciding to choose your partner, it's all over red rover.

That's why when some couples break up, one is usually left saying, 'I never saw it coming', because the other person simply stopped choosing their partner but they forgot to say anything till it was too late.

Takes one to know one, as they say.;)

I realized early on that my wife-to-be could remember people's names.
I could remember phone numbers, etc., but names were/are beyond me.
This sort of thing was true in other ways too.

We're in our 52nd year now, and we still complement each other, so things are good.
.. better than anyone could reasonably expect from the differences in our backgrounds.