Why do you hate your mom?
 

Why? Just let the tears come and tell me.

It's okay. You're in a safe place.

Because her default setting with these walls is aggressive.
Her default setting outside is hail-fellow-well-met.

My mother is very, very, very phoney.

you could even say she was FAKE.

FAKE.

How does a person become fake?

Fake Bake?

Because I could never please her, no matter how hard I tried. She was hyper-critical and I never once in my entire life ever heard her say that she had been wrong about something or make an apology. She loved the family dog more than she did me, and that's the truth. When I was a kid and had to be picked up somewhere, she'd forget about me or arrive 2 hours late. I can remember being 5 years old and coming home from kindergarten to a locked up apartment. I had to wait so long for her to finally come back and let me in that I wet my pants.

And that's just for starters...

*HUGS* to everyone with a crappy mother. Mine had issues but she did the best she could with what she had and what she knew.
There were times when she didn't speak to me for months because I disagreed with her on something. And this was while we lived in the same apartment.

Paging Dr Freud. Dr Freud, please pick up the white courtesy phone.
















;)

I love my mom. Shes a great woman.

Solid as a rock, and just as zany as me. I think I will buy her a ridiculously expensive christmas gift.

My mom reads the Cellar so I can't dish on her

My mom is the awesome. THE awesome.

unanswered questions , she died in 96 so i guess i'll never know ,

Same year mine died. March 4th. We donated her body to medical school. She always wanted to be a doctor. :-)

Honestly I don't know what I'll do without mum when the time comes. She's been my rock, my guide, my teacher and best friend all my life. She's witty and clever and warm as sunshine.

I don't hate my mom at all, but she does have this habit of licking her fingers and then touching the food she's preparing for others. I think she feels like she's cleaning her finger by licking them. Or maybe it's a ploy to get me to shoo her out of the kitchen and take over.

I never realized what amazing parents I had until the shit hit the fan.
I always felt like the forgotten one. I realize now that was my fault, not theirs.

I have been blessed with great parents who supported me in ways I couldn't understand at the time. When needed, really needed, they stepped in and offered guidance, support, whatever they could. Thanks M & D.

Oh and for the record I dont hate my Mom ,
I had Lots of opportunity to ask all the questions ,
I dont think I would have liked most of the answers

I don't hate my mom, and I know she loves me but she could be much nicer, much much nicer. I guess she can't help it that she's mean sometimes or a lot of times. And sometimes, it seems she's on pms 32days of the month. But she's just mean to my sister and me. All of my friends think she's the sweetest. :rolleyes:

This is so common, I think. For some reason people feel like they don't have to extend common courtesies to their relatives.

She actually says this, as if it is a normal state of affairs.
And I know she genuinely believes it is correct behaviour.

Perhaps it is in some families.
Having the whole family afraid of one of the members doesn't seem right to me.

I do love her of course.
And she has been very good to me.

I really like this post. I haven't been where you've had to go, but my parents are there for me when I finally break down and ask for help.

I know there are so many families who don't have this, and I think that's really sad. I wonder how people stay strong. I dunno, maybe without unconditional love I would be stronger. Not like jelly, like I am.

Anyway, my heart goes out to those with dysfunction in their lives, but I am happy to hear stories about loving helpful parents.

heard this this morning:

I paraphrase.....

Many Parents take their identity from the role they play as a parent. They are identified with the position of superiority over their children. When children grow up, and no longer require that kind of supervision, the parent loses that influence, and that control... they also lose some of who they are. Their ego is threatened, and lashes out or judges or does what ever it can to regain that control. The parents are unconscious of this occurring within themselves.

very difficult to help a person see this, though...the ego may prevent them from realizing the truth in it. What you can do is control your reaction to it. Awareness of their motivation may provide you the needed compassion to help you deal with it. Understanding that they are trying to hold on to what they see as their self worth may make it easier for you to stomach.

I can only speak to my experiences, and a bit of what others have said or written.

IMO, daughters bond with their Moms and sons with their Dads,
and have to pass through the terrible teens to magic twenty-somethings
when suddenly the parents become a lot smarter and nicer.

But even for years after, there is still the inner drive of parents trying to draw out
the best for their child, and the child seeking approval and respect of the parent.
Conflicts come when either or both don't or can't satisfy that inner drive.

My wife and I raised 3 daughters, and I've seen (and sometimes been privy to)
both sides of at least 20 years of these push-pull endeavors .
It's been wonderful seeing three different personalities (as far apart as the legs of a milking stool)
approach, test, respond, react, manipulate, attack, coalesce, retreat, tease, sulk, give, take...
and grow along this path to their own adult relationship with their Mom.

But the best parts have been watching each girl transition from daughter-hood
to mother-hood in their own family, and their Mom (sometimes reluctantly)
giving up some of her previous life-role in exchange for becoming a grandmother.

Somehow, it's all worked out great.

I'm pretty close to my mom and my dad. In many ways, I'm more like my dad. Also, I have two brothers, no sisters, and was a bit of a tomboy.

But it took adulthood to realize how truly wonderful they both are.

Silly boy, everybody knows Mom Spit is magical. It cleans, sanitizes, and heals booboos.

I totally see this with my parents. Still. It seems like my not doing what they want me to really really pains them.

I don't hate my mom. Any more. I did when I was a kid. She let me down. She's a loser. I've made it on my own now, despite her. So no reason to hate. I just don't care.

My Mum and I had some rough times when I was a pubescent teenager, but after that, we became pretty good friends. The best in fact. I was a lot closer to my Dad when I was a teenager in a lot of ways, but I think that's a special time for most people as they grow. If I had lost either of my parents during that time I think I'd be one very fucked up individual (if in fact I am not already), but I really feel I've had the chance to thank my parents for the job they did with me, and to try and tell them and show them how much I appreciate the sacrifices they made.

They weren't perfect as parents, and nor am I, but I think they gave me a pretty good drafting board to work from as I go through the process of being a parent myself.

I love you Mum and Dad. Always have, always will. No matter what.

'Cause I've never felt, not even once that she loved me. . . and that's the truth. :(

But does she hate you?

Do you love you?

That's not her job, is it?

That I really can't answer. I really don't know. I mean I have thought about that but I think even if I feel that she does, I still want to think that she doesn't.

Yes. And I'm thankful that my husband and my kids love me. it's just saddening when I see mothers who show affection to their daughters.

Yes. It would've been okay for me if there was just an absence of love. Thing is, we've been into this "war" since high school, there's too much anger coming from her and it's depressing at times when it crosses my mind.

How true for those of us who had mothers unable to love us. I feel almost jealous when I witness loving mother/child interactions. For example, years ago I had a woman friend who was about my mother's age. For some reason we got to talking one time about the hippy movement one. My friend said, "I love hippies because they remind me of my own children. All of them were hippies."

I was stunned. My mother hated hippies and blamed them for every single thing that was or is wrong with the country. "Its all because of you hippies," she'd say, glaring at me. My mother was extremely hateful. She was very prejudiced against African Americans, and would freely use the n-word to describe them. She hated Jews, as well. She hated her neighbors, and once when she was in her 80's she got into a physical confrontation with the nice elderly lady who was her next door neighbor. The woman had dared to come over and ring the doorbell with a plate of Christmas cookies in her hands. :thepain:

And if your kids show you they love you, you're obviously showing them that you love them. You've broken the bad cycle, and that's something to be proud of.

I never felt close to my mother or father, I think because we were so absolutely different in our thinking, on big or small issues. For instance my parents are bigots plain and simple, they hate everyone who is not them. Even when I was 3 or4 I would argue with them about this. We also has very little physical affection. When I got older I had an Israeli friend who gave me 'hug therapy'. She actually had to teach me to be warm, thank goodness before I had my own daughters.

My mother also thinks I sold all the gifts she gave me over the years. It's really strange, Even now she nose around my house for things she gave me when I was 10. Ironically, she threw away little treasures from my childhood I would have kept but I still have a few little bits of jewelry from back then that I never got rid of.

Who needs this aggravation?

This.

The 8th annual "What's wrong with UT" marathon, held every year at this time, ended suddenly today when I told everyone firmly that the session was over and thanks for their help but I was not going to participate in the discussion any longer.

The session was triply painful this year because I agreed that there are probably some big things wrong with me. At almost the same time, I described my life in terms of a slow, 30-year suicide whilst trying to make a point in a Facebook discussion. This convinced everyone that I might actually be suicidal, and this in turn permitted the session to go into long hours and hours of what is precisely wrong with me, and where everything went wrong.

Negotiations were held on who would pay to fix me and what the terms of that would be. The negotiations broke down when I refused to provide detailed reports on the steps I am taking to improve.

Wow, they talk about what's wrong with you where you can HEAR them?

Hmmm. Alls I get is whispers and looks.

;)

There ain't nuthin' wrong with UT
As far as I can see. :)

I only know a tiny part of the human being that is Tony. What I know about him is that HE has helped ME in many ways and has always been compassionate and understanding about it, about me and my shortcomings. The part of Tony that I know is kind, compassionate, rational, level-headed, witty and above all, scarily intelligent.

I don't know what goes on annually, or monthly, or daily with you. But I do know that you are a fighter who is rational. Sometimes having all your faults lined up for inspection is exactly what you DON"T need. I'll bet it was meant in all love; but sometimes you just have to do it yourself.

Hugs, Tony.

Sorry, UT. :( Family criticisms are the easiest to find and the hardest to suffer. Maybe you and Sundae should host an international exchange-mom program.

My mother made me an undertoad.

Really? If I buy her the yarn do you think she'd make me one too?


UT, I just learned a month ago, from my therapist, that I am allowed to decide what my boundaries are. It is awesome when you know that you can say "This conversation is over."

The only thing wrong with you (or me for that matter) is thinking there is something wrong with you.

As much as anyone loves their mom, I just have to say that I hate mi e mostly because of the dumb bs I get. I take care of myself and she says I'm not responsible, she's always saying I'm fat (which I'm not) and goes on about how I won't get in shale or do anything because I'm unmotivated. I had almost perfect straight A's in highschool and she still nagged me saying I had to study and work harder I NEVER studied and got A's And then I'd get yelled at even more when I got something of an A- to a B. Always been nagged about what I'm doing and who my friends should be. Other than that she's SORT OF calming down and being nicer toward me.
Shes almost always nicer to my older sister however...

How do you feel about pillows, Jeff? And is she a tiger mom, perchance?

solid

awesome thread - presumptious and proves its presumptions.

like others, i didn't have much apriciation of my mother until shit hit the fan (and she proved her worth as a safety net).

stuff that bothered me:
unlike my father which was more in touch with the economic reality while he was alive, my mother has ideals from the baby boomer generation and expectations with it - house prices (and rents), college tuitions, even gas prices and public transport (we lived far from the city), placed me in a position where it was nearly impossible for me to start from scretch without any financial stimulai if you will or some kind of help, and i eventually did get on my feet (to make my own mistakes and fall again), but it took me a much longer time to save the money to do so with longer periods between jobs. in the mean time she's filling up a heated pool that she never uses and flies with the most expansive airlines on my father's investments. only much later when she studied herself with kids my age she started to understand the reality.

also, she loves hosting and taking full credit for it - "do you want tea dear? o don't worry i'll just call me son to come home so that he can make it for you so i don't have to get up".

but honestly she was there when nobody else was - she is there for me now (freshly divorced - 2 weeks). no complaint about her can measure against that.

LOVE my mom. Dad, too.

Of course, growing up, there were lots of angry/hateful moments (most of which, I've come to realize, had to do with mom's horrendous 12-year menopause; dear GAWD she was mental!), but those days are long gone, and much has changed.

Today, my parents are my best friends and staunchest supporters. I'm SO lucky to have them and SO dreading their eventual decline. Happily, even at 85 they're both doing amazingly well. Some day soon, though, I'll have to leave my home to go take care of them, and I'll do it happily. They're always been there for me and the very least I can do is be there for them.

Thanks mom and dad. :heart-on:

And that there is the crux of it. If she's there when nobody else is then she is doing her job as Mum.

Hiya Trace :) Sorry i missed your first post. Glad you came over. You'll fit in here.

so why do YOU hate (or hated) your mom? ;)

ha!

I never have I'm afraid. I was blessed with a wonderful mother. My rock and best friend and co-conspirator all.

dad?

Quite personal questions there, Trac.

Ahh Dad. He was a wonderful man, but a mystery wrapped in an enigma. Quite eccentric and tending to be a bit of a hermit.

There's a lot of stuff we don't know about my Dad. Questions that were never answered. and some that were never asked. Our suspicion was that he had a separate life that we weren't a part of. Possibly that he was gay and in the closet. Not that we ever doubted he loved us. And he and Mum remained friends after they divorced (when i was 12).

But he was of that generation that didn't really consider coming out of any closets. It was still illegal when he was a young man. And his family were very conservative. Old anglo-Indian family from the British Raj.

He was also a nightworker for most of his adult life. So even when we were still together as a family, he lived to a different clock to us. There was always a bit of a separation. me, Mum and our martin, and then Dad.

Brilliant storyteller he was. He could be a little taciturn at times, but it was all surface. He was very gentle really.

*smiles* thanks m'dear. But I don't mind. I know Trace from another board. So, it's not quite as out the blue personal as it looks :p