My nephew and his Dad
 

So, for those of you who dont know (which is probably most of you I guess), I moved from Wagga Wagga, NSW to Hervey Bay, Queensland (Ali and I are in the same state now!! and Im a beach bum)...my Mum has just moved up here too.

Anyway, Queensland is where the majority of my family are, so it made sense to move closer, my Nephew (who is only 11 years younger than me, we used to be quite close) and I have been spending a bit of time together. We were sitting on the beach and I asked if he ever thought about his Dad, who he hasnt seen for 20 odd years.

My sister and his father separated when he was very young, and she has poisoned JS (my nephew) against him, so JS has always hated the man.

He asked me what I remember of his Dad and what I thought, and although I was very young at the time, I always thought he was a great guy and a lot of fun, plus I know my sister is bloody difficult at the best of times.

So now JS wants to track down his Dad and asked me to help, I'm all for it...but now I am thinking...why hasnt this man tried to keep in contact with his Son, will there be a box of unopened birthday and christmas cards at my sisters like in the movies? Did he just up and walk away and never look back?

My sister lives in the same house as she did when they were together, I know the Dad is in the same area because I google stalked him and found him on Facebook and LinkedIn.

All of a sudden I dont trust myself and my judgement, so I have initiated contact before I let my nephew know I have found him.

Realistically, the very same thing could happen to my little ferels. They havent seen their Dad for 5 years and it is 100% his choice, but I make sure I never say a bad thing about him, because one day they are going to track him down and they need to form their own opinions of him.

Sorry that was a bit rambly, I just need to get it out of my head.

What happened when you found him? Have you talked to him yet?

yikes.

good luck with whatever you decide to do. Sticky tricky situation. I've no advice - only good wishes that it turns out okay for all involved.

I haven't spoken to him yet, I messaged him on Facebook and stalked him on there..he has another family...so I will tread lightly.

I had tea with my Brother and Sister in law tonight and picked their brains about the aftermath (my brother is 10 years older than me) and they seems to think it was all my sister, the fact that JS doesn't know his Dad.

I wish his mobile was listed somewhere as I would prefer not to call his house and get a member of his family.

You know Ducky, sitting here in my quarterback underwear with a cup of coffee and thinking about this....maybe a letter by post would be a good idea. You could take the time to compose exactly what you want to say. Hand written letters just have a different feel then email, chat and phone calls.

I don't know, just a thought. I with you the best with however you continue.

I think R.J has a good plan.

What Bri said...

And be prepared for a response even worse than whatever have you imagined.

Well, right person on Facebook. My initial message was just a "hey, is my name and my sister's name familiar", to which he replied "yes dux, you have the right person".

My next one was just a feeler...we will see how that one goes over.

I genuinely remember him as a sweet, kind and fun guy, and my sister said a whole lot of crap that the rest of my family took as BS.

But...im prepared for him to tell me to fuck off.

My Dad and I were having a conversation about my kids the other day. Their father moved to NZ almost 2 yrs ago and wants them to go over and stay with him and his new family for xmas this year.

I have agreed that they can go, but Aden in particular has a lot of issues with his father, the least of which is that he moved to another country and didn't tell them for several
months. Just disappeared.

So anyway, Dad knows the history between Kal and I and my Dad is no big fan of Kal's, but his words to me were, "It doesn't matter what sort of an arsehole their father is, they have a right to make their own decisions about their relationship with their father, and they're old enough now that they should be able to ask the questions they want and receive the answers they need. Truthfully."

So anyway, I've told Aden he should go and ask his father why he's made the choices he has. I just hope that they don't come to blows.

eta: So anyway, my point is that no matter what the history is, all kids deserve to know their parents and eventually make their own decisions about what sort of relationship they want with them (barring the possibility of some kind of abuse of course), so I think you're doing the right thing Ducky. I don't believe your sister has a right to keep her child from his father just for her own reasons.

Your dad is wise Ali ,
our kids figured out that their dad is an Ass on their own

Of course, if Duck's nephew figures out dad is okay, the consequence is facing that maybe mum is not okay, else why did she say all that about dad.

Tricky, but children can only be sheltered from uncomfortable truths for so long.

Have been close to where SN's nephew is. You just need to get all the raw data and figure it out for yourself ....DN is totally doing the right thing.

??? Did you just call yourself an ass or am I missing something?

You're missing something.

I hope the kid can find the good in his dad, ducks. And vice versa. Good luck... Follow your gut.

Originally Posted by zippyt View Post
our kids figured out that their dad is an Ass on their own
??? Did you just call yourself an ass or am I missing something?

Sperm doaner , not me , im Step dad

So, its going well so far.

He's said he wants to see JS and then JS' son when the time is right. He just wants to word his daughter up first. She knows about JS, but I don't think JS knows about his half sister.

He said if I thought the news would be better coming from me, he'd like me to tell him..or he would do it.

I've said I won't say anything until after he has spoken to his daughter and she's ok with the whole thing.

Ali - I agree with your Dad. Its why I never say anything about the boys Dad, even when they pull the whole "if I lived with my Dad ..."

haha...my kids used to pull that one on me till they actually did have to live with him for a couple of months. They were pretty happy to come home again I can tell you, and since then I've never heard another word about going to live with him. :)

Well...JS and his Dad are catching up before Christmas.

JS just wants me to come along initially.

My sister will kill me, but I've been laying this foundation for the past few years and undoing all her damage.

Your sister will get over it. I think you're doing the right thing, especially to go along with JS for at least the first meeting. xx

So, ducks, for you the angst really comes from your feeling that youre betraying your sister, huh?

That's not how I read it.
It's more about introducing a vulnerable young adult into a situation she can't control.

And then if it goes wrong having to deal with her sister.

I wasn't saying that she's betraying her sister, to be clear... I was just thinking that, depending upon how her sister reacts when she learns that ducks involved herself in reestablishing the contact between her son and her ex... there may be some resentment, and I thought ducks would be concerned about risking the relationship she has with her sister....

no judgement. it's a sticky wicket to be sure.

How old is JS ??
if he's 5 i say get in touch with Mom
i get the impression he's older ,

Oh Sis IS going to be Pissed that yer AllUp in her Bizzness (Been there )
but if JS is 18-20ish the you or he can tell her to shut up

11 years younger then Ducks. As she has 2 children I'm guessing that means he is in his 20s at least (!)
I didn't think you were saying that (oh how complicated!) I just think that sisterly betrayal is so far down Ducks list of concerns it's barely worth mentioning.

She already feels her sister has acted badly and her nephew has missed out accordingly. My opinion of what she has written only.

We didn't realize who was "not okay" parent in my family until after my dad died and then we discovered that my mom was responsible for most of the bad press he got.

We have a saying: "Yeah, and if my aunt had balls, she'd be my uncle. Now get the hell in there and clean up that room."
ha ha ha!

Jim - my sister and I aren't close at all, our relationship has been really strained for about 6 years..in fact we hadn't spoken for 4 years until earlier this year when Dad passed away. My 2 brothers won't speak to her at all because she's a selfish trollop.

I have been making an effort to mend my bridge with little results because if it isn't all about my sister, she's not interested.

I know she's going to be really pissed at me, but this for JS is more important. I tried to add her on Facebook a month ago, i txt her to say i added on her Facebook...no reply. Now JS' Dad has sent me a friend request...i didn't want to accept until i had everything right with JS.

JS is in his 20's, with a 5 yr old son who has learning and communication issues. He married his pregnant gf, but they separated 8 months later.

Zen - JS knows his Mother is the issue, he figured that out 3 years ago.

Families are so fucking complicated!!

WORD UP

This was sort of what I was thinking. She is still the mother and she has a say in the whole thing. Going behind her back may drive wedge between you and her, and a bigger one if there are already issues. Tread carefully. Playing matchmaker without her permission could have unintended consequences.

Edit: Just saw that JS is in his 20's. All bets are off. Get them together. Screw the sister.

Screw the sister.

Thats what started this Whole mess !!!!!

Through the course of this thread, it has become clear to me how many people don't actually read all the posts before they respond. lol

eta: or even the OP!

Sigh....so I get a message today from I.S (JS' Dad) who says his daughter (who I.S said was quite pushy) thinks that it will be better if JS contacts her first...

Fuck off

JS didn't even know she existed until a few days ago. Little miss (who's Facebook name is Princess [name]) isn't the only pushy bitch in this situation.

Its taken me ages to get JS comfortable with meeting his Dad (FYI, my sister told JS that his Dad used to beat her...which may be true, but none of my family believe so and hell - I've wanted to belt her a few times myself)...im not about to say "hey, contact this chick rather than your dad, ok? Cool".

Quite right Ducks.
This is not about the daughter.
JS has as much right to his father as this girl. She cannot hi-jack this.

(I admit, my gut sympathies are with her though - I'd have been the same if it was my Dad suddenly revealing he had another child. I'm highly possessive.)

What father in their right mind would say you have to go through my daughter to get to me? lol Wouldn't your normal protective instincts tell you to go first and make sure your son hasn't turned into some kinda crazy axe murderer in the intervening years?

Either that or wouldn't the fact that you're supposed to have balls put you in charge of your daughter?

Sorry Ducky. I think I'm a little bit unstable this morning. It's all just too much for me.

I'm getting off the cellar now before I say something really stupid. lol

Nah, all good Ali.

It seems this Daddy's little girl has some serious control issues, but I got it sorted.

I think I.S is just caught in the middle a bit, doesnt want to upset his Daughter and they have had some terrible family news this year, so I am not being too hard on him.

I have *suggested* (read: told them how it is) that I.S and JS should build some foundations before they introduce Princess and JS' son into the mix. It was agreed.

Im pretty chuffed that I.S' last message was "I look forward to talking to JS at length and hopefully rebuild what we have both lost over the years".

Awwww :)

That's very sweet. I hope it all turns out for the best.

Has sis gotten wind of any of it yet?

Noooo, not yet.

As soon as she logs into facebook she will, she will see her son and her ex are my friends - that will be an awkward conversation.

Mum told me to play nice if we go at it.

Same as she told me to bite my tongue at Dad's funeral (which I did), but seriously, she doesnt talk to ANY of us for 4 years and then all of a sudden she's everywhere and annoyed that she doesnt know whats been going on ...hallooooo...answer your phone, reply to a txt...its a two way street.

The "everywhere" stopped as soon as she found out there's no inheritance.

bah...my sister has just turned up on facebook.

This wont be pretty :)

Awesome! lol

Good luck Ducks! For the record, I think you're doing the right thing.

Fuck her !!!
Yer doing the right thing Dux

Good luck, Ducks. :)

Can we get screenshots? ;)

Ha ha, so far she hasnt noticed.

She's only commented on my lust of RedFoo.

The self-centered see what they want. It may not be pretty, but I'm sure you can handle her, and will only be as rough on her as necessary. You done good. :thumb:

Damn, thought RedFoo might be an exciting new Australian dish.
But he's just a man.
YMMV.

I did the nice thing and invited my sister to Christmas Day at my house (buyers remorse stuck straight away), we havent had Christmas together for 7 years, actually she hasnt had Christmas with any of "our" family for that long.

I didnt formally invite her current husband, who is the gayest straight man I ever met and a vegetarian and generally weird and irritating, plus - they never do anything together, so Im hopeful he wont turn up :)

Sundae - youtube "Sexy and I know it" by LMFAO. RedFoo with the big ass fro...awesome.

On a side note - dumbass teeny boppers putting incorrect lyrics on the net. "Like Bruce I got the glow" pffffft! Its "Like Bruce Lee, I rock the claw". [/pet peeve]

For those interested....

This is done!! JS and IS are in contact regularly. JS and his boy are stopping in there on their way here tomorrow...so success :-)

The sister hurdle is yet to be tackled.

Im a little miffed IS doesnt seem interested in keeping our contact up, but its not me that matters.

Thanks, I have been interested.

Could be both, ya know!