Adventures in Cooking
 

I don't get the opportunity to cook a lot, mostly related (this is my story and I'm sticking to it) to the fact that I work nights, and just don't have the time.

But I can make stuff much more complex than reservations for dinner.

So anyway, as you know, I'm on vacation.

A time of fun and low-stress activities.

For most people.

This is me remember ...

My boyfriend and I have been given a thoughtful gift of a turkey by one of his friends who ended up with an extra one.

And WHAT an extra. 21 pounder. Birdzilla.

I'm all ready to go. Decisions have been made regarding stuffing (cheating with Stove-Top to reduce the cooking time) and other side dishes (including couscous. I'm going all out here.)

Everything's ready to go. The beast is defrosted, sitting happily in the pan. I'm excited at the prospect of showing off my cooking prowess. I just hope I don't kill us with salmonella poisoning. Which now appears likely.

Put the oven on preheat. On schedule the little light clicked off and I hoisted the pan into the oven.

Closed the oven door and returned to the relative safety of the office to alllow the magic of heat and meat to happen.

Went back to check on it after about a half-hour, expecting to be greeted by the lovely smells of turkey beginning to roast, the crack and sizzle of drippings hitting the pan ...

This is how things would work for most people.

Not me. Not today.

What do I find instead?

A pink, fleshy, INSOLENT 21 pound turkey, which looks exactly like it did 1/2 hour ago.

It is mocking me.

The oven doesn't work. To clarify, the lower heating element is apparently an ornament, placed in the base of the oven by the manufacturer to provide aesthetic balance for the broiler element.

I'm trying to figure out Plan B at this point (which may involve bribing a neighbor with the promise of turkey if I can borrow their oven for four to five hours).

Does anybody know if Dominoes is delivering today?

Oh No!!!!!!!! We've got loads of left over turkey from Christmas, should I call Fed Ex?

I don't think Domino's delivers turkey at all...

Bummer on the oven thing, but it does beg a certain question...namely, is this the *first* time you've tried to use it, or has the element malfunctioned at some point in recent history? :-)

I'm probably not too far from you ... I can run over and pick it up so long as the ice storm holds off ... ;)

It has worked previously, which is what's making this so frustrating. :angry:

And if you offer a sufficiently large tip, Domino's will deliver pretty much anything you want.

Update
 

Well, birdzilla's stately pink presence continues to grace the refrigerator ... the cooking is tabled for the time being while we continue to investigate other options.

On the upside, I do have the most wonderfullest boyfriend on the face of the earth. He cooked up a mess of scrambled eggs. :) Toast too. :D

We won't starve of course. We're not in the wilderness, but by gods I'm going to get that damn bird cooked one way or the other, even if I have to put a blowtorch to it. (This may require a trip to the hardware store tomorrow for another gas cylinder, but I'll do whatever it takes).

um...point one: That bird will only keep for three days in the fridge before becoming deadly to you and all who partake of it's tender flesh.

Point two: heating elements are EASY to replace. Try fixing it.

*I* would have simply dropped it onto the gas grill outside and cooked it there like Bobby Flay does.

Brian

If I had a gas grill, I'd have been there.

Or a turkey fryer.

Or a tabletop roaster.

Or a sufficiently large pile of dry wood, with two "Y" shaped sticks to sling a spit across. However, it is raining and sleeting here, so that's out for the time being.

Rats that sucks.
If its no oven and brink of tossing it: I'd ditch any stuffing inside and rinse it before proceding. You can butcher the thing- take pieces and cook them on the stove top- brown in oil (with some seasoning- chopped garlic, or onion, celery,carrots) then cook more slowly- simmer in a bit of liquid (water or broth or wine or canned tomatos) with a lid, Or at least carve off the breast meat and stir fry it.

ahhh ...

The kindness of others has saved the day (Okay, the day after).

Birdzilla is now happily sitting in a very hot oven ... not the original one ... repair guy should be by next Tuesday for that.

She's roasting nicely ... it's only been in there for a half-hour, but goddamn it smells *good*.

Another four hours or so, we'll be eating ourselves silly.

Great! Enjoy your anticipatory smells. Youve given me a pleasant sense memory. :)

Success
 

I have recently awakened from an L-Triptophan induced stupor ... The turkey was absolutely awesome, wasn't it honey? [mumbled response from background "Yes, dear." (*thunderous belch*)]

That's more like it ...

It actually came out looking like a tv commerical turkey, however, it was actually cooked, and the brown crispy color was not painted on ...

I did take pictures, but of course the "one thing that didn't get packed" was the USB cable for my camera. Better that than my toothbrush.

What? None left over for us?

There are plenty leftovers ... in a turkey-sodden market. I tried to GIVE away a turkey sandwich (to the gentleman who gifted us the turkey) and it was like offering garlic to a vampire. Apparently everybody (except me and the BF) are on turkey overload right now.

In any event, stop on by, and you can have yourself a big ol' turkey sandwich ...

(last night's leftover variant was shredded turkey with couscous.)

Go figure...NOW you offer on the day that I don't have the car...yeah, thanks a lot Wolf!

I'll be home tomorrow. I'll drop it off on the way ...

Photographic Evidence
 

Although I should be sleeping right now because I have an event to attend tomorrow, I felt it was more important to share the pictures of my culinary adventure. (Finally got 'em downloaded and sorted)

First, this is birdzilla mocking me from the cold confines of the nonfunctional oven ...

http://www.alexandersguns.com/eva/naked_turkey.JPG

Stupid Bird. It should have know better than to issue such a challenge. I'll show YOU, dammit ...

http://www.alexandersguns.com/eva/cooked_turkey.JPG

I triumphed in the face of adversity. :)

http://www.alexandersguns.com/eva/carcass3.JPG

(I also intimidated it with a very large butcher knife)

*That* is one big turkey! Have you managed to adquately distriute the leftovers so that you and yours are neither (1) kept perpetually sleepy from the effects of l-tryptophan, nor (2) poisoned by that last bit that ends up sitting in the fridge for four weeks, tempting you to reheat it in the microwave, thus activating all the malicious little bacteria?

So I threw a stuffed porkchop in the oven, set it to 350 and walked away. I watched abit of TV and heard what sounded like a dripping noise. I walked over to the oven and heard what sounded like bubbling liquid. I thought that was strange since I had only just put it in the oven. I opened the oven and was temporariliy blinded. The bottom element had cracked somehow, and was arcing. I had no idea that could happen. It was pretty entertaining once I stopped my George Carlin impression and turned the oven off.

I ended up searing the chop in a pan on the stovetop and finishing it in the microwave. It was edible but a little tough. I called the maintenence guy to fix the element. He had it replaced in short order. Short -- electricity. Ha! I mean quickly.

Heh hee heh...
That's why I have a toaster oven, too.:cool: There ain't a damn thing in my kitchen that can break without me having a way around it... (I think I have the right number of negatives in that sentence...)

- Pie

PS: I mean, pork-chop wise. If it were that mega-bird, I'd have to resort to asking my dearest to fire up the Webber... Which we did, this T'giving. Only 15 lbs, tho.

Uryoces ... I think your cooking involved more actual adventure than mine did.

I didn't get fireworks. (Very nearly some gunfire ... luckily I haven't any significant anger management issues and settled for kicking the stove rather than trying out the 12-gauge on it. Besides, I know how far I can push my honey's landlord. That would have been TOO far.)

----

Pie ... I would have gone to the Walmart (and I HATE Walmart) and purchased whatever was necessary (up to and including a Ron Popiel ShowTime Rotisserie) but I was attempting to limit the number of unnessary appliances. I might have a turkey fryer setup on standby if this EVER happens again, however.

Aaah... I dislike unnecessary appliances, too. I actually use the toaster oven more than the regular one, anyways -- it's a lot more efficient when cooking for two. Also, my "real" oven is gas. It burns the food on one side, leaves it raw on the other. :confused:

I grew up in a vegetarian household. This last year was only the second time I tried to cook turkey, in any form. Thank (whatever deity you believe in) for cookbooks!

My cat grew up thinking that humans didn't eat anything a feline would be interested in. I remember her surprise, the first time I cooked a pork roast... She thought it was all for her. :)

- Pie

Guy over in your Honeys territory burned his house down Christmas Day with a turkey fryer. A bad scene but nobody got hurt.

Probly anybody but a damn Poole woulda known not to set the fryer up in the kitchen ...

(I hadn't actually heard about that, but probably underlines the importance of reading ALL the instructions AND following them. And replacing the unstable tripod base that comes with the turkey fryer. I saw THAT footage on ActionNews ...)

I live for unnecessary kitchen appliances. My apartment's kitchen is small enough that someday it will collapse under the weight of my accumulated grills and gadgets.

(The George Foreman Contact Roaster is surprisingly effective, though not large enough for the likes of Birdzilla above. It's got about a 4-5 pound limit, but it's perfect for eye roasts, pork loin, stuffed flank steaks, and small-to-medium chickens and related poultry.)

I also live for unnecessary kitchen appliances. (The primary issue here was reducing the level of impact on my boyfriend's residence. I am, naturally, marking my territory in the small ways (leaving a toothbrush and a distinctive girly towel), but I'm not at the brand new appliance level (okay, I did take up a coffee maker, but it wasn't a NEW one).

In my own home I have a cappucino maker, several other specialty coffee makers, a George Foreman Grill (family size with bun warmer), one of those sandwich maker doo dads, two ice cream machines ...

Only my lack of counter and closet space has kept me from having nearly every stupid accessory cooking device out there. (even though I know full well that I really only ever use the microwave).

I want one of those Showtime Rottiserie grills ... one of my (male) coworkers has one ... he swears by it. Works just like on TV.

I was even looking longingly at this home quesadilla maker thing I saw and ad for last week. I don't eat quesadillas OUT that often, but the thought of being able to make it in my own home.... whoo hoo!

The utimate must have unnecessary kitchen appliance however, is the Cotton Candy maker. I've wanted it since I was a kid. It has greater appear for me even that the Snoopy Snowcone Machine and the Easy-Bake Oven. Cotton candy ANYTIME YOU WANT. What could be cooler than that?

ima gadget addict myself. the thing is, ive found that most of those gadgets do a real good job. like my breadmaker. the bread is okay, i guess, but it comes out much better when i do it all myself. i hate the foreman grill i got. it got too hot too fast, and so the outside of the meat would get done, but not the inside. my favourite gadgets tho are my ice cream maker, pasta maker and food processor. i cant live without those.

~james

The outside is almost crispy brown, the inside not done? Sounds like a perfect steak to me.

unless its chicken :)

actually, i hate steak when its served still bleeding. medium-well is as far as im willing to go.

~james

If a steak isn't "well done," it wasn't done well, IMHO. I'm not shy about sending it back if I see pink, much less red.

The Foreman grill isn't too bad for steaks, as long as they're reasonably thin. Thick steaks may well be blackened before the center hits the right temperature. (I haven't tried the newer models with the temp-control slider on the lid.)

The Foreman roaster has been _superb_ for avoiding that black-outside-red-inside fate with eye roasts -- I've cooked two so far, and both have been moist and well-cooked throughout without charring the outside at all.

just knock the horns off and slide it on the table as far as I'm concerned... Actually I've been cutting back on the meat a little the holidays were too heavy

All this talk of dead animals is making me sad :(

Take a few deep breaths and try to think of it as a living experiment which demonstrates the food chain.

It's not our fault we're at the top. I, for one, like it that way.

Mmmmmm steak ... Although I could surely go for some venison about now ...

Whoa! I had one as a kid (late 60s early 70s) and it was so very cool. I remember this center metal cup you would pour in the sugar, fire it up and it would spin all the cotton out. Such a burn hazard for kids, but WE LEARNED. We learned to respect the spinning molten goo. And how to make some cash with an extension cord and sack of sugar.

I've tried to pare down my appliances to date- best tools: heavy roasting pan, iron frypan, grill pan (low tech foreman) and iron dutch oven. Good knives. Tongs. I loves my tongs. :)

i really need a decent dutch oven. one appliance that i forgot is my crock pot. god i love that thing. the best soups in the world are the ones that have been simmering and youve been smelling all day.

~james

I've got this rummeltoff that I use for slow cooking after the fires out in the Russian fireplace. Fantastic for bbq.

I've finally learned my lesson and obtained a set of thick-bottomed stainless cookware. Now, I can actually cook something that takes more than five minutes on the stove without burning the piss out of it.

The kids, however, are another matter...about once a month, I have to spend an hour with Comet and a steel wool pad to keep them looking at all respectable.

OK. What in the sam hill is a rummeltoff?

Romertopf
 

It the Sam Hill is a clay pot that you soak in water before slow cooking whatever you're into, that is next to impossible to spell.

Looks like Griff's been hitting that bottle again...

Ah! Chicky in Clay.

Ok, now. Your fireplace is Russian? What distinguishes a Russian fireplace? Sad eyes and facial hair?

You know, I could have sworn we discussed a Russian/Swedish/Griffish fireplace before...I'm too lazy to look for it though.

If its the fireplace that there are construction pictures of on griff's website, it looks awesomely nifty (notice how I avoid saying "cool" as it is clearly very cozy and warm).

Deja vu all over again. Thats the unit. Its Russian because it sits morose for long periods of time followed by short term spectacular destruction.

I bought the internal part of the unit from Tempcast. Its been single digit cold here for several days so its not quite keeping the house warm enough. I'm going to put a heated (maybe pellet stove)sunroom in the front of the house, eventually, which should remedy short term severe cold snaps. Normally, it doesn't even require a second fire every day.

So...ein romertoft in den kachelofen, eh?

Yep.

I had an epic failure involving some venison ribs a while back but generally it works well. Ribs belong on a grill. Good for stews and what not, I may try the roast chicken...

OK, my stuff...
 

First, sorry to hear about the foiled fowl on New Years, (Damn, I'd be pissed)

Second, glad you got it cooked and enjoyed it, mmmmmm...

Third...

It appears to me that all of us computer/internet buffs, (geeks maybe), own the same stuff. Are we gullible or what?

I have:

Milkshake maker (have the cup part, got rid of the mixer, it hosed up)
Braun mixer w/attachments
Mortar & Pestal
Pepper grinder
Pepper Ball (a must have)
Egg Timer (think hour-glass - never used it, but looks good)
Cordless Multi-mixer w/4 attachments
-- I threw out 2 popcorn poppers, 1 heated unit, 1 air popper
-- I lost 1 hamburger cooker, one minute cooker
-- I short circuited 1 hotdog cooker/electrocuter
-- Pots and pans, long gone
Marlboro Grill Utensils, (really good quailty, and yes, I smoke, but hey, they were free)
New pots and pans, Copper bottomed
Meat Cleaver (must have, must have, must have)
- June Cleaver (I wish, hehehe)
George Foreman Grill (the original, no bun warmer or temp control, ouch, this damn thing is hot and burns everything)
Iron Skillet (came to my senses, and learned older is better)
Splatter Screen (good for stopping splatters and draining ground beef)
George Foreman Oven-thing (same as the Sow-Time Oven, but curved and GF brand, X-mas Gift)
My first Calphalon skillet/giddle (yes, real cook-ware)

Also have, thru the years with my wife:

Crock-Pot
Mini Crock-Pot
Popourri Crock-Pot (yucky icky stinky)

And..... the grand finale......

(drum roll)

.........


.....


.........


POST-IT NOTES

........


Yes, Post-Its Notes

We have Post-It Notes

......

So what's so special about that you ask???

Well...

See, my Dad gave my wife Post-It Notes for Christmas a few years back. YES, seems he just discovered them there darn sticky thingies that stick on things and leave no marks, "Damn, How revolutionary... I'll give these for Christmas"

Yes, he did, he gave my wife Post-It Notes for Christmas.


Take care,

MW

i need to find a decent pestle & mortar. what is a pepper ball?

~james

mmmmm Calphalon. I MUST HAVE CALPHALON!!!

I've actually wanted them for years, but other critical purchases keep getting in the way (PlayStation, PlayStation2, games, etc.)

I have my priorities.

You can order out food.

You cannot, as easily, order out games.

I have always wanted one of those little rubber things that peels the skin off of garlic cloves.

One of the best kitchen appliances: the food dehydrator.

Pepper Ball
 

A Pepper Ball is basically a pepper grinder. It's about the size of a baseball, and has two handles that you squeeze together to grind the pepper. It's much easier to use than a regular pepper mill.

What's so special about Calphalon?

(FWIW, I have T-Fal myself, because it was cheap at Sams Club)

Calphalon:

It's very thick aluminum, so it heats evenly and well.

It's anodized, so the aluminum doesn't leach and its even surface doesn't stain too much.

It's not non-stick, so it cooks properly, takes any utensil, and won't generate toxic fumes if it overheats.

It's designed and built to last forever. You could throw one out of a moving car and have it only suffer minor nicks and scratches.

That is all.

That non-leaching factor is the important part. Ever look closely at the inside of a cheepie aluminium pot? All those little pits are where there used to be aluminium -- guess where it is now? Well, the cooking process causes molecules of aluminium to adhere to your food (particularly tomato and other citrus-based ingredients), which you then ingest. The molecules are too small for your kidneys and liver to filter, so they end up in your bloodstream. Not a problem till they hit the smallest capillaries of the brain, which, unfortunately, provide a great filter for these particles. One strong theory regarding the development of Alzheimer's and related dementias is that these aluminum particles, once lodged in the brain tissue, disrupt normal function, or somehow act to develop the 'plaques and tangles' typically present in these disorders.

Enough to make me stick with good ole stainless steel! Eat Up!

"Aluminum...it tastes like fear."--R.E.M

E-Bow the Letter is probably one of the most depressing songs I've ever heard.

That CD as a whole was depressing (though I haven't listened to it in some time). I think that was the beginning of mediocrity for them.

I'm frightened. Really, really frightened. What about if you cook your food on aluminum foil?

It makes it easier to clean up your pans ;)

As far as I know (the inherent dangers of aluminum foil are never really discussed) you're fine, just so long as you don't try to be thrifty and reuse aluminum foil.

If you are really concerned, go out and get one of those fancy sil-pat thingies that seem to be all the rage on The Food Channel.

I really thought it was a great album. So eat poop.