How does one become okay with being single?
 

Hi.
As you can see, I am new here.
Umm I guess I'll introduce myself a bit. I'm from a pretty northerly city in Ontario, Canada, but now I live in the Greater Toronto Area. I am a male as my username suggests, and I am straight. I'm not gonna tell you my age, because I don't think doing so would do any good, plus you'll probably be able to narrow it down to within a few years without much difficulty.
Anyway.
Here's my problem: I've been completely and hopelessly single for a little over three years I guess, and I don't dig that. Also I've never actually been in anything that could be called a serious relationship. Officially, my longest relationship lasted two months, and my most intense/involved/meaningful ones (or at least they felt that way) were both long-distance, and based off of online communication.
Some people don't seem to care about finding a significant other, but so far I haven't been able to get myself to be like that. I just have this strong desire to experience a loving romantic relationship, but that desire is profiting me nothing.
So how would I go about becoming content with this single life? It seems like I need to change my emotions, but is that even possible?

I'd say it's neither possible or desirable to change your emotions in this regard. People need people.

What you need to do is figure out what it is that, let's be blunt, is making you unattractive to the opposite sex. It's been my experience that basic God-given looks don't actually play into it much at all. Give yourself an honest assessment: how are your hygiene habits, social skills, conversational tone, basic living conditions? Do you exercise regularly, not just for weight maintenance but for basic health and confidence? There is a difference between a healthy person and an unhealthy person of any weight, and people can sense that.

I've been single for over four years, and the last "relationship" was really just friends with benefits anyway.
I have not had an actual, stable, mixing with friends and family relationship since I split up with my husband in 1998.

You get used to it, because you can't fret about anything for that many years.
Well, except you do and then send yourself fruitloop.

This is the trouble with asking advice (as per Flint's recent insight). People who haven't had a long period of being single won't really understand how you feel or why you can't replicate their success.
But those that have the same experience are obviously making the same mistakes as you, so won't give good advice.

Oh and a slap to anyone who posts "You won't meet anyone until you stop looking."
It's smug and it's untrue.
So there.

It may not be true that you won't stop meeting someone til you stop looking...

But it does help if you aren't desperate.

It's not so much about becoming comfortable with singledom forever. It's more about becomng comfortable with singledom right now. Whether you're with someone or not, it is good thing to be comfortable in your own skin and with the life you are leading. It's finding that balance between wanting and looking for a partner, whilst also being comfortable with singledom whilst you are looking.

Not sure what your answer is really. And in truth I'm the wrong person to try. I made a conscious decision after I split from my ex-partner and stuck to that for about 5 years. Then fell head over heels for a friend/colleague and after carrying a torch for a couple of years ended up getting together with him. It lasted about 3 months. I realised during that three months that much as there are aspects of relationships that i enjoy, I am at heart a singleton. I like my independence. I like being entirely responsible for my own peace of mind and my own happiness. Don;t want to be responsible for anyone else's...don;t want anybody else feeling like they carry any responsibility for mine.

I do know that I seemed to become suddenly very attractive to guys when I made a decision in my own mind that i wanted to be single. Never had so many offers as when I'd decided I wanted no part of it all :p

"People need other people" - ?

WTF?

Hell is other people. I like being alone.

You like sex too ;)

♪ "People who eat people are the hungriest people in the world..." ♫

Seriousl Moon. I've been there and it suck and it feels like forever. If where you are has a shortage of eligible bachelorettes then you need to move to where the womens are. (paraphrasing Sam Kinison below)

IF you really want to see the benefit of being single all you have to do is talk to some cops who go out on a lot of domestic abuse calls. Or talk to lawyers who handle bitter and acrimonious divorce cases, or hang out with couples who are a few weeks away from getting a divorce. IF you really want to KNOW the benefit of being single than you need to be in a long, drawn out nightmare of a relationship.

I'd say, the best thing to do is to get your mind off of it and really engage your life and let the relationship thing take its course.

I gave relationships up. Srsly. I went right about 12 years with nothing. No female friends, no one night stands, no pussy, no nothing. Wasn't real hard for me, cause I'd remember why I did this, and I'd get pissed off all over again. But then Baby called me up one night...:D

My advice to you Mr. Moons, is this:

Use the other hand occasionally, to keep from getting all lopsided.:jagoff:

But you like us. You just like people on your own terms, as do most of us. :)

well, you've got me there. I do like some people on my terms. Which is immature and not very evolved of me and AA says to beat the disease you must learn to live life on life's terms which I don't want to do, but there it is. I do like a lot of the people here in the cellar but I can come and go as I wish and ignore those I don't want to mess around with. Flesh-and-blood people are always wanting something or needing something or just stopping by to check up on you or whatever and that is exhausting. People exhaust me. i wonder why that is. I used to like being around people, even helping them ffs.

I used up all my good, friendly mojo in my twenties and thirties.

I'm a misanthropic crone!

*cackles as I fly away on my broom*

Since being on medication and getting a job I enjoy, i have realised I do quite like being among other people.

And I've lowered my tolerance levels quite naturally, as I'm working with people much better educated than me. That usually only comes with long term forced contact, as in my Leicester friend Tezza, who had a heart of gold but shockingly naive beliefs and every other sentance contained an imaginary word or a malapropism. I ended up going to tea with her every Saturday night before I became too ill to do so.

When I moved back home I believed myself to be genuinely unlikeable.
I said so to my counsellors and they told me - sincerely - that they were sure this was not true.
But of course I knew me and knew that it was.

Since then I've started to like me a little more, but am still quite baffled to find some people I like just don't warm to me. In real life. Sometimes I feel a bit like Tiger - trying to say something when everyone else is over it, or that any subject I introduce is ignored because I said it. Mostly this is paranoia and I find if I relax and get over it then people are friendly afterwards, as if nothing has happened. Because of course it hasn't.

I do try, and in some situations and with many people I can be accepted.
But even in those, I know I am appreciated for my positive qualities and my negative ones are simply passed over.
In the majority I am not amusing or endearing.
And in the minority I may as well have leprosy.

Dana & Limey can confirm my poor social skills, so it's not self-flagellation.

Oh wait, was I supposed to be asking why I was single? ;)

D & L, what did she do? Did she squeeze your boobs in public? Reach down her backside and smell her fingers afterwards? Did she make you desperately uncomfortable by pointing out your worst faults? Did she retreat within herself and not say a single word the entire night?

If mr. moons wants to meet more nice girls, he needs to spend more time in the libraries. I saw it on BBC television.

Oh Sundae, honey. You have a few hangups and oddities (I have a collection of my own as you know) but 'poor social skills'? that's utter bollocks.

I don't know, maybe you were dying inside with every word you uttered to the Hotel owner, or every time you placed an order at the bar, but if you were then it was well-hidden.

I can verify that Sundae has excellent social skills when it comes to phone conversations. This is a thesis that has been peer-reviewed by a second member of this household, remember.

I have, I think, excellent social skills. But... my ability to employ those skills effectively in any given situation is highly variable. Sometimes I'm able to interact comfortably and confidently with anybody. Other times, the things I think I'm about to say get stuck on the way out and I gargle something approaching a greeting or witticism and add it to the giant inner facepalm I'm building in my quiet moments.

I have excellent social skills. I'm engaging, pleasant, and funny. People like me. It may shock you to hear that I'm confident bordering on cocky, too. Some of you might say that I'm cocky bordering on arrogant, but that's just my written persona. I'm slightly less lumberjimish in person. slightly.

I'm also single.

I COULD get a(nother) girlfriend, I'm sure. I could commit to a long term relationship. I can get along with just about anyone. At this point in my life, however, I don't think my Life Situation is very good, so I'm opting for solitary. (I'm really just a big pile of baggage right now)

Once I get my situation settled, I'll begin to entertain the idea of partnering up again, but for now, I'm actually starting to enjoy having time to myself every once in a while. I had some good advice from a friend I respect. She said that she wouldn't date me because I am not emotionally available. She's right. She went through what I'm going through, and knows what she's on about.

but it sounds like you don't WANT to be single, moon. So take clod's advice, and fix what's preventing you from finding a mate.

Trust me, there's someone for everyone out there.

Jim, maybe you feel like a big pile of baggage, but really, it's just about learning to get your baggage to be less conspicuous. We all have it, and when you can learn to forget it's there I guess is when you start to say you have less, but we're all lying when we say that. That's just a little tip from me. ;)

Mr moon, get out there and get into it. Join a website that advertises sex over love. That's where I found my husband. We weren't expecting anything but the most base human connection, but in the end, we found a life partner in each other. There's another tip from me. ;)

(1) Browse internet sites for relationship advice. Look at all the people with effed up relationships. Count yourself lucky you're not one of them.

(2) Get a dog.

You start out single and you leave this planet single. Seems the natural thing to do.

Yeah, maybe I shouldn't be giving advice right now. lol

Things are a bit better today for us though. At least I don't feel like doing murder today. :)

Wise, you are.

Esp. get the dog. :apaw: is a wonderful thing.

God knows your dog knows.

My dog is my god.

My cats are my pals. I think I have gotten too old and mean to be in a relationship. I have a close male friend, and that's it. Maybe if I moved out of this rural back water, I'd meet someone. I dunno.

I can live without a partner no problem. Can't live without a dog though :P

I think friends with benefits sounds like the way to go. We didn't have that when I was younger. Guilt was still very much in vogue then.

Actually I zoned out in quite a few conversations. NOT out of boredom, just in order to consult with myself a while.
I can always talk to people in a defined role. Because then I am playing a part myself. On the field with the children I am happy and patient. In the staffroom at break I usually just smile and nod and wonder how 15 minutes feels so long.
Again, short phone convos I can manage. When I say sometimes I feel like Tiger I am not suggesting for a moment I have real communication difficulties. Just that many times I think either conversations have been too short and I've been too abrupt. Or that they've gone on for far too long and I've run out of things to say. Or (frankly) I'm just tired of them and want to go.

This hasn't happened with a Cellar member. But yes, a little part of me fears meeting Dwellars in real life knowing I can't just log out. I felt I was really lucky with the two UK Dwellars I met in Jan. Hence our repeat meet up this December.

Would have liked to had been a fly on the wall for that conversation...

I'm exactly the same. Like Bri (was it Bri?) was saying, I find people exhausting. And like you, I can manage fine if I have a defined role. But to spend long stretches of time with? There's a very small number of people I can do that with comfortably.

I find people a little overwhelming face to face sometimes. In a group I will often find myself smiling along without actually knowing what's just been said. Or the things I do say feel/seem clumsy, or nerdy (:p), which is ok with my closests because they (incl. you) are on a similar wavelength. But with others I feel like an alien who's just arrived on someone else's planet.

On a bad day. On a good day I can command a room. On a bad day I'm likely to trip over a chair and slam my knee on the way into the room and attempts at off the cuff comments flounder as my voice comes out a croak, or I mangle a word. On a really bad day.

On a normal day, neither here nor there. I'll do absolutely fine at the time, but often by the timei'm halfway home from the meeting, or the class, or the party, I've managed to conduct a post mortem on my interaction that leaves me dying of embarrassment and I have to forcibly stop myself going back over it ad infinitum.

It's not because I live alone though. I don't think. I'm pretty sure I've always been this way. I've maybe got a little worse about it in some ways. But at the same time, it's since I've lived alone that I've chosen a life that puts me in regular contact with new people (through uni and council). So, I've got better at dealing with my own internal responses to socialising. I've got used to that sinking feeling that accompanies remembering. I'll come back from somewhere buzzed up, but it generally starts to twist as specific things come to mind. Stupid stuff. Was I laughing too raucously? Did I come across as humourless? Why did I say that? Why didn't I say that?

Blah, blah.

Um, people.... this is normal imo.... Almost everybody has awkward moments when they don't know how to end/continue an interaction but kinda know (sometimes after the fact) that it's headed in the wrong direction. Don't they? this social thing ain't easy.

(It's only sad when you carry this lack of skill onto the interwebs ;) )

Precisely my point monster. Sundae may feel she's unusually inept in social situations, but that's not what anyone else is seeing. And that feeling is something most of us experience to lesser or greater degrees.

Hmm...so how would it be possible for a person to be lacking in social skills and have it on the internet?

because one has time to digest before reacting. One is not "on the spot"

yup. I still get the word economy bonus, though.... ;)

...it's the real time thing that fucks most people. So many times you think "I shoulda said...." on the Interwebs, you can "make it so".

Perhaps I'm a rather sad puppy because I feel that I'm lacking social skills on the net also. But you are right, I'm much worse in person. :neutral: At least on here, there's a chance for me to hold my tongue, so to speak. I sometimes regret after I've pressed the submit reply and it was too late to delete or edit my post. Oh well...

....and who doesn't?

you come across fine to me...

although you need to stop smoking and move into a place of your own ;)

....yes, just teasing. :p:

me single. again. broke up with jess again on thursday. 2nd time. well first was mutual but i was reminded of why the second time. she's way too moody. seems that she's upset with me for whatever reason than happy so i broke it off. her being unhappy made me unhappy so i figured what's the point? if me being me pisses you off then why even try to pretend the relationship will work? when things were good things were good but just like texas weather...wait a minute...if you don't like it it will change soon. meh. i dunno. she's a great person. we just don't mix. we're meeting up later this week to talk about it but i don't think it will do any good. we'll prolly make up and try it again for a month or so but it wont last. i like being with her don't get me wrong but when i do something like hang an unexpected u-turn to park to grab a picture of a sunset don't get mad cuz i didn't say hang on. yeah. the pic in the other thread? she got mad cuz i did just that. when we got home she said bye and left.

lola hunny? you're good. quit bashing yourself.

I don't know about my social skills. I used to think I had none until I witnessed a lot of folks much worse off.

I do know that I'm pretty well beyond caring about meeting others' social expectations in most situations. I'm just my variable self. Seems to charm the hell out of most people, which is awkward since I can't stand to be more intimate than a distant acquaintance with most people.

Yeah. I know I sound like a douche here. Whatever. It's the way I feel in my current hypomanic state, so it might be pretty far from reality.

I'm okay. You're okay. You're probably wrong if you think otherwise, and that's okay.

alright okay and that's okay with me!

I think most people have confident, smooth days, and also awkwrd, ground-swallow-me-up-wtf-did-I-say-that? days. The trick is recognising that other people cannot see your internal world. What happens inside your head doesn't necessarily show on the outside. Which is a fabulous lesson to learn if you intend to do any public speaking. What may well feel like a massive show of nerves and stumbling, often only presents to others as a slight stilt in the words, and a momentary pause for thought.

Back to the OP though: I think the big difficulty here is that he hasn;t experienced a serious long-term relationship. It's much easier to come to conclusions about what you want and what will make you happy if you have some frame of reference. And the thing we think we want can take on epic proportions if we never have a chance to demystify it by experiencing it.

No. She was charming, and smily. and lovely to be around. It was a true pleasure to meet her and I'm looking forward to the next encounter. And she was equally "socially skilled" with all the other people we met (shop-keepers, enamoured drunks etc).

I see an equally large difficulty with his playing field being full of people who have learned, directly or indirectly, to avoid those who are looking for someone who will *make me happy*. Knowledgeable people seek someone who has found other ways to be happy, not just comfortable, with whom a relationship would enhance their mutual happiness rather than someone who needs a partner to be happy. The latter situation yields lower stability as even life's routine separations, physical and emotional, can cause such a relationship to spiral downward when one person takes the basic happiness of the other with them.

To peak other's interest, mr.moons can take stock of what's already making him happy and, starting with the most common, pursue those in social settings even if he has to redirect himself from solitary pursuits (e.g. collectors can join clubs). The more often he can present himself as an intrinsically happy person who's available; but, not needy (let alone desperate), the better his chances of making a healthy long term connection.

It might also help Mr.Moon if he remain engaged in any conversations he started ... jus' sayin' ....

Maybe he was just trying to drum up some business; but, didn't get any takers:

I'm just a gigolo and everywhere I go
People know the part, I'm playin'
Paid for every dance, sellin' each romance
Ooh, what they're sayin'

I've been following what all of you have been saying, but I haven't really read anything that I've felt the need to reply to until now.

Does it sound to you guys like I'm looking for someone to make me happy? Perhaps I am. I am a relatively happy person, but I feel like I would be more happy if I had a partner in crime. I don't think people are supposed to be alone.

Of all the subjects covered by the Cellar's various forums and of all the sub-topics covered by threads within each forum, you started out here not by posting a reply to anyone else's interests; but, by starting a thread about you feeling alone. If that doesn't say "needy" it's because it SCREAMS "needy" ... actions speak louder than words ... first impressions and all that. Yes, you present as looking for someone to make you happy and being unable to maintain that threshold on your own. With an entrance like that, I hope you didn't come here looking for potential IRL companionship. Coming for advice is good.

Thank you for your reply, mr.moons. I think there's a lot of good advice and suggestions here. I hope they help you.

I must second limey's remarks mr.moons. Unless you've been lurking for years, you've no idea how rich and pure the vein of sincere wisdom you've tapped into with this thread. Very smart, very compassionate, very articulate people have offered their insight here. And so have I. You mightn't have thought any reply was needed, but I do hope you find success and happiness. The words here are good guides for that quest.

I appreciate the honesty.
I did come here looking for advice, not a partner, so no worries (I hope).
So let's assume I am as needy as I appear. Does that mean I'm unfit to have a girlfriend and I shouldn't try to get one until I somehow figure out how to be un-needy?
I apologize if that sounds bitter, I guess I am a bit bitter about things, but I do wanna figure all this out.

It is hard to give broad advice, so let's follow Clobfobble's lead. Answer the following questions and hopefully it help with better advice:

1) Do you see yourself as a confident? If in certain areas and not others, specify. Quickly, how do you think others would describe you.

2) Quickly describe your life. What do you do for a job, what do you do in your free time?

3) What are your ambitions? What are you doing to improve yourself?

3) What would you like to do (in terms of hobbies, self-improvement, ambitions, etc)? Why are you not doing this?

4) How often do you meet women? In what setting? Do you feel like you connect with them, if not, why? What do you do to meet women?

5) Describe the the relationships of the people around you. Are they married, in serious relationships, single?

6) You answered this but do you consider yourself happy? Do you think a relationship will make you happy?

7) Why should a woman want to date you?

"Unfit" is an interesting word choice. Would you say that you feel you deserve a girlfriend? Because that in itself is a backwards and self-defeating way of thinking about other people. It verges close on the idea that an individual woman, or women in general, owe you something.

Is there a particular woman in your life whom you are interested in? Because if the answer is that you would be interested in pretty much anyone, then you're not going to be offering much in return to a hypothetical girlfriend--the vibe you'll be giving off (and women are very good at picking up on this kind of attitude) is that she is not special, that you will only see her as "my girlfriend" and not "Susan" or whoever. It doesn't even matter if you would lavish her with gifts and attention in her role as your girlfriend, if you would do it for anyone then she'll know she's got no real connection from you.

[thread-drift]Monster, that is a great song[/thread-drift]

Sorry I've not been replying. I have some stuff going on and most of my spare thinking time is being spent on that.

Posting on the Cellar is better than thinking!

It's like thinking one-hundred-fold.