Abusive boyfriend...
 

He did it again last night. He didn't shove me, but he came close. I believe that verbal violence is worse than physical. I know he may see this post, but that is ok. So let him make fun of me because I am deaf. Let him make fun of my cigarette stainded hands; as my flowers wilt away in the vase. He can make fun of my torn jeans, and worn out sweater too...

I know he views me as a 'gutter rat.' And many times, he has called me a whore...and now he calls me a loser because I am unemployed...

I wish I didn't care so much, but I do. I want him to think of me everyday and feel bad, ... but I know he will not. I know I am not the prettiest girl, but I do know that I am damaged...

Pam, I don't know a darn thing about you yet, other than that you can do better than him.

I have a lot of feelings, yet I feel so trapped. I don't know how much more I can take. The other day I was on the train going out to Coney Island. There was a very pretty girl on the train, and she had flowers. I never get flowers. I wanted to rip those flowers out her little hands and destroy them. I wanted to rip off each petal, one by one, and the break the stems and throw them on the floor of the train. I was so jealous. There will be no flowers for me; and the only Valentine's Day gift I ever received was from my father...

Always - Pam.

No offense Pam, but you sound like a creative writing project, not a real person. What are the actual circumstances of your situation?

FTFY

I am a real person, and so are my circumstances. I been pushed so far down, I don't know if I will ever recover, so where does that leave me??

What do you wish to know?? I will tell you. I am poor. All I own is a laptop, cell phone, and clothing. I do not have a TV, nor an IPOD. I do not wish to have those things anyway.

I really don't have anything but HOPE. So I don't mind putting on my sketchers sneakers, and backpack,...and wandering aimlessly around the city...without a destination... I am 'claimless.' Nobody wants to claim me... take care- Pam.

No offense Pam but you also sound like you need professional help.

You do not know me, so please do not judge me. I do go for 'professional help' twice a week. I am making some progress, and hope for a better life.

Do you know what it is like wishing for true love, day after day, yet it is always someone else??? It's very hurtful for me. I am a very nice person, but perhaps a bit too trusting I guess...

if you're looking outside yourself for salvation, you shall go on wanting.

check out this thread if you have a moment.

and maybe read this book (for free)

Sorry if you post a thread ye shall be judged its one of the Cellar commandments ;)

Your professional help does not seem to be helping you.

It is helping, and I wonder how the decisions I make every day will affect my life. And to think that I was almost happy again???

I am getting used to this place, but I do not understand why words that are under my name, on the left side of the page, keep changing.

Who is doing that??

Always, Pam.

It's ok, that's automatic, and after a while you can set it to whatever you like.

Thank you Mr. Undertoad. But it called me a 'provoceteur.' I had to look that word up. It said something about being a writer or an artist. I don't understand why that word is under my name...

And why do the words keep changing??? I feel as though maybe I am not welcome here? Please help/explain if you can...

Thank you,
Pam.

it is an automated list of titles that changes as your post count changes. not every single time, but with decreasing frequency. and you are, of course, welcome hear. what?

Welcome to the Cellar, Pensive Pam.
Undertoad has explained - it is an automatic feature of the bulletin-board software and after a while (a certain number of posts, I suppose, but I don't know how many), you can set it to whatever you like.

The user-title under your name changes based on your number of posts. It's fun to see what each step gives you. The title changes faster at the bottom of the pile, until you work your way up into Master Dwellar categories.

It's not unusual for folks here to be a mite wary of newcomers.

I like that you're focused on hope. That's a big quality for me. That and compassion, because hope without compassion is empty.

If you want to be happy, that's good. This "boyfriend" is actively making you unhappy. You seem to have no kids, and no material possessions that might scare you from losing your lifestyle. So just walk out on this guy. I'm sure your therapist (or whoever the professional help is) has been telling you this already, right?

How long have you been with this boyfriend?

Thank you all for your kind replies. I am unemployed as I said, so it is very difficult for me to leave him, as he pays for most things. I will admit, I feel like a whore taking what he gives,...but for now it is all I've got...

How old are you?

I am 22, yet at times feel so much older. I am so tired; and at times I feel as though I can't continue. I guess this is just the way it has to be for me...despite my hope that things will change.

I just wish I were loved...

Always - Pam

Thank you Mr. Wolf. I don't seem to be too popular here, as I have not received any messages. So sad, but I guess that is my life...

Sounds terribly cliched I know, but you have to start first by loving yourself. Pinning all your hopes on finding true love is a sure fire way of being hurt in life. It hands way too much power to other people and makes you far too vulnerable to emotional harm.

Have you explored other options besides continuing with your boyfriend? He sounds very bad for you. You deserve better than to be someone else's emotional punching bag, we all do. Better to be alone than with someone who actively makes you unhappy.

Welcome to the Cellar :)

Also, seriously, don't assess your welcome based on how many messages you get. That's just not how it works.

I am working on leaving him. And it is very painful, but I know I must. What you have said is very true. Perhaps, I have just lost faith in this world. I often wonder where was God on 911??? I am simply very, very lost right now...and no one can help me. I understand that. The only time I am not miserable is when I am sleeping... take care, Pam.

You are very young to be 'stuck' in life. On the one hand that makes it worse, because you haven't had much time to learn the tricks of survival. On the other hand there is an advantage in that being 'stuck is pretty illusory when you are young.

About the only thing you can truly be sure of in life is that things change. You're at a very early stage of your journey and you are feeling defeated. There will be other stages of that journey where you'll feel triumph, or contentment.

The world is neither as bleak as your darkest moments would have you believe, nor as shiny as your brightest would have it.

Again, thank you for your kind words. I am still getting familar with this site. How did you know how to find me??? I've just been through so much tragedy in my life. My mother died while giving birth to me. I am working on forgiving myself, and it is the hardest thing to do. She gave her life, so that I could have mine. And now I realize that I am so miserable that she is the one that should have lived...not me. I recently took a flight, and I was actually hoping the plane would crash and kill me...

Right. I have two instinctive and conflicting responses to your post. The first is to step away, and echo others' suggestions that you need professional help. Not judging you; just saying that this sounds deep-seated and complex, and you probably need better and more inciteful guidance than can be garnered from a stranger on a message board.

The other conflicting response, is to tackle this issue of blame for your mother's death. In order to feel the need to forgive yourself, you must have attached blame and responsibility to your infant self. It is not reasonable to think that a baby can bear any kind of responsibility for the death of the mother carryng it. I find it worrying that you have taken this blame onto your shoulders. It has no place there. It is not yours to carry.

I have a third instinctive response to PP's post, and that is my bullshit meter is in the red.

I suspect if bullshit were music she'd be a brass band.

But three cheers for credulous dwellars willing to give her the benefit of the doubt.

You always know just what to say...and it is comforting. I am seeking professional thereapy, and I am on various types of medication. I am a mess; and I do not know how I became a mess at the age of 22...but so be it. When the plane hit turbulence, I was happy, as other passengers where panicking. I wanted the plane to end my very existence. Landing safely on the ground was sad...

I was ignoring my bullshitometer on the grounds that, if she is playing us and we credulously take her seriously the ramifications of that are quite minor. If she is telling the truth and we shoot her down, the ramifications of that are potentially less minor.

I'd rather take a gamble on someone being who they say they are and be proved wrong once in a while, than assume shennanigans too easily and greet a genuine arrival with cynicism as default.

Yeah but after "see a professional" your duty is done.

Unless she really is a newly arrived dwellar in which case I'd quite like to learn a little more about her.

I just arrived on this site today. And I have stated that fact. Just because I am deaf, does not mean that I can not see some of the hurtful comments that people are writing regarding my situation, and viewing me as a 'joke.'

I am not sure what else you would like to know. You were so kind to me Dana, now I see that you have said that I am not true of my circumstances??? I came here seeking help, yet it seems that people are not being kind to me. I have come here in pieces, seeking some peace...

She has above average writing skills, she sounds quite self reflective and she has a reason for continuing with all her problems. She considers someone suggesting professional help a value judgement, yet she also claims to see a therapist 2x week. This hasn't come up?

That's all I bothered to read. The smell is almost as bad as puke.

She's the only one talking about her deafness and trotting it out as an argument that legitimizes her claims of being persecuted... Circular.

Is that you Stephen???

I knew you would find me here. I was going to tell you that night, but then you left. I wanted to tell you that I love you, but I was afraid of the silence that would follow. And at times, I fantasize about rejecting an apology from you that will never come. And I want to stop lying to you, but you would just be dissapointed in me.

You told me that you were sad because you thought it was 'goodbye' for a little while. I was sad because I knew it was 'goodbye' forever...

Everyone says 'I love you,' ...and then they don't. I should have never let you get on that train... Love - Pam.

Absolutely! My BS meter goes off for anyone wanting to harm another human being and writing it on a public forum as a noob.

Anyone else hear "Play Misty For Me"?

What is going on here now?? Who is harming anybody? Am I not welcomed here??

You are certainly welcome here, your postings indicate you need help, perhaps this site would be a better place to air your thoughts and problems http://nami.org

I am afraid to open that link; as many links have viruses. I appreciate you accepting me here. Why is everyone saying I need help??? It is making me feel much worse than I already do. Are we all not friends on here?? You are making me think that there is something inherently wrong with me...which I already know...

But your words are hurtful, and I am not an animal at the circus, for your entertainment. Perhaps, I should just leave...no?

Mental illness is a serious medical illness that affects one in four families.

National Alliance For The Mentally Ill, NAMI's support and public education efforts are focused on educating America about mental illness, offering resources to those in need and insisting that mental illness become a high national priority.
Here is a link to their discussion groups not a virus...

LINK

So you are implying that I am 'mentally ill??' From what esteemed university did you earn your PHD, may I ask? I am very upset with some of the responses I have received here; and I do not know why you are playing the role of an internet psychiatrist. Please, just let me be...

The other thread just sort of went away after I halfway suggested that I suspect this is the case.

Now what? What is 'the case??' I have been on here for less than a day. I have tried to make friends, and now this? Please explain...

This is not fair to me, and it is very hurtful, as I have no one to turn to; and I am out of options with most of the details of my life...

Your friend?
Pam.

Sketcher sneakers are very expensive for a poor person.

Why the demand for PM's?

The sneakers were an Xmas gift. I have not demanded any PM's (e
mail on here?), I am just very upset. Pills...alcohol...depression...

I know I am not normal, so I guess I fit into the lifestyle of NYC. I embrace it. One day I woke up, and I knew I would never be normal again; so I live that life.

2 years ago, I wrote a suicide note, ... yet I am still alive. I am going to have another glass of wine. I am truly messed up. I know that...
But thank you for your response... Love - Pam.

drugs+alcohol+abuse=oil and water. they do not mix.

everyone here in this forum knows what i've been through in the last 5 or so years. pay very close attention to what i am about to post. don't walk. RUN THE FUCK AWAY FROM HIM. that is solid advice right there. find a shelter if you have no where else to go. or a friend. or somebody. anywhere he can't find you. i know from first hand experience. i know i've posted some if not most of what happened to me somewhere here but i'll put it in a nutshell. i was in a mental, verbal and physical abuse relationship. the woman i was dating, hereafter known as crazy bitch, was, well, Crazy. she was an ex-meth head (so she said), alcoholic and pill popper. she would talk me down. way down. beat me when she didn't get the rise out of me she wanted or even worse, call the cops on me and say i beat her when i didn't do what she wanted. i should have run from this woman. i didn't. i blamed my lackadaisical attitude towards her as love. pfft. whatev. all my friends saw it. the two cellarites that met her saw it. even strangers saw it. my answer to why i was with her when they questioned me? "oh, you don't know her like i do." boy was i wrong. she completely RUINED my life. i am still to this day trying to recover. you see she went a little too far with the police calls and i wound up in prison because of lies. went to the penitentiary for crimes i did not commit. run woman. get out. do what it takes. but get away from this dude and your mental state will heal with time. love my ass. you think you love him. you don't. trust me. i know.

that's my :2cents:

I appreciate your kind words. Some may say I have a defeatist attitude; although I call it realism. There are days I just want to die.
I really don't care about myself anymore. I eat in order to survive; if I died, it woud kill my parents. Everyday is filled with despair. I see so many happy couples, yet I know I can never have that happiness. It will never happen for me. At times I just want to tip over and die. Nobody cares, but I do. Did you know that I gave my winter coat to a homeless person?? At times, like now, I just want to fade away...
Always - Pam

And now that no one seems to want to help me, perhaps I should just 'off' myself...jump in front of the 4 train. That was always my favorite train. But then again, I fear (since I fail at everything), that I will not end up dead, ... but end up maimed for life ... or paralyzed...
I just want to die. Time for more wine... cheers.

Goodbye...

Pam.

Oh, oh, Where are we?
Looks like we're on Safari!

wtf? really? you do know that there are other alternatives. suicide is the straight ticket to hell. life tribulations are Gods way of testing your inner soul. sit up straight, smile, and know that you are good. ffs. do it. handle it. things do get better.

monnie, maybe but lets see first....

Faith??? Is that going to be your argument now?? There is no God. I don't care about myself anymore...the only reason I am responding is because I cannot sleep...

Nobody cares, and the world is a cold place. And personally, I don't want to be here anymore. Are you satisfied?? I am going to do it...

Goodbye...Pam.

faith is what you have in the heart. obviously you have given up. there is more to life than being abused in whatever fashion. i'm being a hard ass in hopes to get you to get away from said abusive dude. i know. prison. been there. that's what it took to get away from crazy bitch. wake up. sit up. i'm sure you're a good person. things do get better hun. trust me.

How are things going to get better for me??? They never will. Maybe for you, but not for me. I already know that. I just want to die. And sometimes, I cut myself, on my arm, just to know that I am alive...and am at least feeling something...hurt and pain.

Nobody will ever love me. I just want to die.

really?? are you fucking kidding me? you're 22 or whatever. i'm 41. been through way more bullshit than you will ever know. listen to me here. things DO get better. i spent 33 months in prison for something i did not do. get rid of the dude and get on with it.

btw i tell it like i see it. shape up. get rid of the dude and move on. trust me. things do get better. your deaf. big deal. i'm half deaf from flying airplanes and loud music. i'm not in a debate with you. either get it or gtfo.

What did you get sent to prison for? may I ask? That sounds very horrible. That is very bad. I am having wine...and thinking about 'offing' myself... I am such a failure. - Pam.

i got sent to prison for domestic abuse. aggravated assault that i did not do. two counts.

I wish you the best. I have been met with great adversity on this site, even though I have only been here for a day. It is very sad...

I am glad that you did not do it. My life is finished. It's over, and I know that. A flower can not blossom without Sunshine, and the Sun never shines on my side of the street...

Wishing you the best - Pam.