I have always admired people who are genuinely social
 

...because I'm not. I'm socially retarded a lot of the time, and the only thing that has helped in any way is the medication.

At the Folk Fest recently I was social for long periods of time, and it was okay. They are Festers, they are happy genuine people if not outright hippies. They make you comfortable because they project comfort. You are automatically in. Even when I was working security and wearing a badge, people were usually friendly as hell, because it's Fest and they are there to have a good time.

But there are as many times when I can remember being silent, at some party or other social event; where a time meant to be happy and friendly was just a nightmare for me. Where I couldn't get into any conversation, standing awkwardly outside every small group of people. They'd happily not let me into the chat and I'd just stand there and awkwardly churn.

You?

Im somewhat inept in social settings. I usually can follow along perfectly and enjoy the conversation, but not if I add anything to it. The maxim 'it is better to keep silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt' means a lot to me. Problem is, I want to contribute badly. Im just much better with one-on-ones. I sometimes wonder if I don't have a bit of aspergers.

You just described my entire life. Avoidant Personality Disorder.

AVP = Roast Beef from Achewood (link, if you please, Mr. UT, I'm on BB). That's me, too. I have to have a "reason" to interact with people. I can't do purposeless small talk.

I can talk to pretty much anyone, I guess. being a waiter helped with addressing large groups. doing what I do now makes it easy for me to get into conversation with people one on one. i do at times feel a little self conscious... but who doesnt?

Having lived away from home for so long and having come into contact with so many new people, I thought I could handle any social occasion. I wouldn't necessarily enjoy it, but I would be able to acquit myself reasonably...

First few times I went out with Mum & Dad were fine.
Their friends/ extended family came to visit.
I was me, I interacted, I found things to talk about and was shiny and sparkly.

Then we joined the LibDems. I became a party member at Mum's behest - she thought it might bring social opportunuties as well as getting me in with people who would look good on my references.
What's happened? Whenever we go to a social event I am pretty much ignored. Everyone talks to Mum. And I don't feel I even want to chip in, or if I do (occasionally) want to, I feel I can't, because I've been silent so long. The few comments I've made have been barely acknowledged - but it's not like they are talking over my head. I'm just smoehow on the edge of the group. Not ostracised, just not interesting or important.

And it feels bloody awful.
All the time I've spent here, feeling recognised, being part of the Treehouse Club.
Being slowly drawn into conversations at school, people stopping me in the corridor to talk to me, asking how I am, parents stopping in the street to talk to me, children coming up to me in public, wanting my approval.
All fades to nothing as I sit back in silence - like my Dad - and watch people come up and talk to Mum.
They think I'm her sister. And probably mute as well.

I'm an introvert (though my therapist says not to label!) and I used to be an extrovert - so, it's weird for me.

BUT -! Just because this society in this country thinks extroverts are the *way to be* doesn't mean it's the *way to be* -

I don't like most people - and when I have to socialize I need lots of time to recoup - lots of alone time, time to look out the window and process.

I used to rack up experiences and never process them - I just hurled myself into the next thing. Now I am more reflective.

And most people aren't really worth the emotional expense/investment. IMHO.


I really do prefer my dog to most humans. :apaw:

I may be really, really shy - hence the drinking problem.

Sometimes I'm a lot better than I was. Once in a while it sneaks up on me when I think I'm gonna be fine. That is the sux. I'm with B just let me hang out with the dog...

It depends on the person. I have definite likes and dislikes. If I sense an ingenuousness nature I'll be quietly polite. If someone is open I will like them whether they are gregarious or quite in nature. That's when the communication happens for me. If they are over the top in their personality I usually avoid them.
I am reserved but not shy.

When I was young, I used to go to a lot of parties but that was always with friends. I would never go to a party where I didn't know anyone.

My son doesn't like small talk. He has to have a reason or a subject to discuss and if he does he is thoughtful,engaging and humorous although he would say he is like you are UT. I think that comes from preconceived notions though.

I'd agree with this completely and would like to abide by it, but don't a lot of the time. Sometimes, speaking and being social works fantastically. Other times, it backfires phenomenally. Occasionally, it works well for a while and then ends up coming back to hit me in the face.

Last night, after an initially uncomfortable start, pushing myself to be social, rather than hiding in a corner as I really wanted to do, had a good result. I went to a party and when I walked in, I didn't know anyone except the people who'd invited me. Usually, I'm fairly social (in fact, that's probably an understatement), but I didn't particularly feel like talking to anyone-in fact, initially, I only went to be polite. Anyway, there was a band playing outside, so I went and stood around the brazier and ended up talking to about 3 people-when I first took up a position by the fire, I felt so uncomfortable that for me, the only way to break the uncomfortableness was to try and establish some kind of common ground which luckily worked. When I left the party a couple of hours later, I was really pleased that I'd made the effort to go. The band was great. More importantly for me, by talking to people who are completely outside the circles I usually move in, I got a new perspective on Hugo Chavez (or at least an alternative viewpoint to follow up on), found out that apparently there are about 300 unaccompanied refugee asylum seeker minors in detention a few hours up north-this is being kept very quiet by the government-and a reminder (which I need every so often) about buying fruit and veg straight from the source and how to do this (and amazingly enough, point 1 and point 3 are linked).

I am very, very sociable, and also very, very unsociable. I can 'turn it on' at parties; but even so: that whole standing/sitting on the margins of a party not quite in any of the little clusters...that's my main experience of parties tbh.

Over the last few years, during my time in politics, I have had to grow a thicker skin. Each new experience put me out of my comfort zone in various ways and I just had to plaster my confident, friendly, yet totally unconcerned expression onto my face and hope it was over soon. Most people I engage with out and about and at functions, probably think I am a very confident and self-assured person.

In truth i am at my most comfortable when alone. Spending time in social situations (beyond idle chit chat with mates and immediate family) is exhausting to me. Like Brianna, I need time to process that experience: lots of it, just in my own space.

I don't find it as hard as I used to. The last five or six years have given me a wide range of experiences that have given me some confidence in what I am portraying of myself when I am at a function, or a gathering of any kind. That doesnt mean I am not going to pick through every conversation later, whilst alone, and find reasons to make myself feel like a dick.

There was a time I felt almost unable to walk into a full room. Full on anxiety at the thought of walking into a room and any of the eyes turning to see me. Much of that was because of my experiences at school, which, frankly, messed me up good and proper for a fuck of a long time. I am profoundly grateful that that particular little set of hangups has lessened over the years, but there is still a twinge even now.

With people I am comortable with, i am a naturally gregarious person. I have taught myself to take a little of that gregariousness with me into less comfortable situations. But I require large amounts of time to myself to recharge my batteries.

well, quit it. Our society is set up to reward extroverts and make introverts feel inferior. We're not--we're just different. Different is good! Bugger all those "genuinely social people." Bunch of hyped up, flighty yappers, I say.

I am blessed with a very poor memory. I rarely remember in any detail what I have said, and certainly do not recall the details of small talk at all. The downside of poor memory is that I rarely recognise people that I ought to recognise. I admit straight away that I have a crap memory for faces and please what's your name :o ?

Are extroverts superior, and introverts inferior? No. But to be blunt, the introverts are only able to get away with it because of the modern social constructs already formed by the extroverts.

If our world went post-apocalyptic, the ability to work together and relate to one another would be absolutely paramount to survival, as it was in earlier stages of our race's history. And you may believe that extroversion is nothing more than "flighty yapping," but it's more than that. An extension of an extrovert's ability to relate to people is, I believe, a better ability to discern--faster and more accurately--who is trustworthy. An introvert trusts their inner circle, true, but only after careful consideration and time: they require lots of evidence to make their decision, and in my experience, introverts are still more likely to get suckered by people who turn out not to be trustworthy. It is not that an extrovert inherently trusts everyone (i.e., is friends with everyone,) but rather that they are better at determining through quick assessment who is, and is not, trustworthy. They are not cautious and awkward around strangers because, among other things, they have already figured out what they need to know about these people (or they know they soon will.) They are confident in their assessment, and not worried about, for example, what the other person thinks of them.

Introverts have their own skillset, to be sure: they can usually bring more focus and dedication to a problem, and they often have deeper insights into certain (non-human) issues. But though the modern institutions of our society have automated things to make it almost invisible, the fact remains that the extroverts are still, effectively, protecting the introverts, just as they have in past ages. Don't think so? I guarantee you that an extrovert runs the company that employs you. Every major company that ever successfully provided goods and services was started by an extrovert--who knew how to hire the right introverts for their innovation. It takes a wise extrovert to know that he needs the introvert... but the opposite is true as well.

I can talk to anyone about most anything without too many worries. Whether I enjoy it or not is irrelevent. I fucking hate 90% of the people I meet so comfortability in the situation just doesn't matter so much as finding reasons not to kill them.

Mrs L is a 100% extrovert while I'm probably 70% introvert, so we use eachother to balance things out.

introverts can get along with other people, and work as a team to get things done just fine. I don't equate introversion with lack of social skills, shyness, or dysfunction. It's a natural inclination toward an inward focus.

wow..I respectfully disagree. It's hard to know where to start. I believe you are wrong in your assumptions.

Introverts can be empathetic, gregarious, run businesses and gauge human character.

Extroverts are protecting the introvert? by hiring them for their inventiveness? He needs the introvert to be able to what? Use him/her as the step ladder to their success?

I guess, I don't quite get your angle. "NON human issues? wow just wow

disagree. Just off the top of my head, I can guarantee you that Microsoft is a major company. Not that I'm employed by Bill, but still. I think you are painting with too broad a brush.

Introverts can be part of a team, but they are not going to go out and form the team. What's more, even as part of a team they have limits that the extroverts aren't going to have. In a modern workplace environment, for example, these limits will probably never be tested. But at some point the strain of prolonged social requirements would take their toll. Several introverts in this thread have already talked about requiring time to recuperate after periods of social interaction. What if they couldn't have that downtime? Ever? Every introvert's line is going to be in a different place on this, but the more strenuous the circumstances, and the more social interaction required, the more introverts would fall by the wayside while the extroverts soldiered on.

I don't equate it with dysfunction. It's a different way of operating, and one that can be afforded in the modern world. I do, however, equate it with the traditional definition of shyness, which is to say, introverts prefer not to be overly social with people, and are uncomfortable in such situations. Whether part of that is a lack of social skills depends on the person--you certainly can have an introvert who is completely comfortable with people, just prefers to be away from them. Lookout seems to be saying this fits his personality. For me, I find that I am naturally an introvert, who has a very finely honed extrovert "persona," such that I can switch modes and perform flawlessly as needed, yet left to my own devices I will revert back to my introversion.

It's kind of like you're defending the brilliant but lightweight academic, and I'm pointing out that the brute football player is still going to be the one who can defend his family from a mugger. Both skillsets, introversion and extroversion, are needed and useful in the modern world. But if push ever came to shove, the extroverts would survive better and in greater numbers than the introverts. On the one hand you say that introversion is "just different" and "different is okay," yet at the same time you made it pretty clear you think extroverts are inferior, or at least, insufferably annoying. That's all I was taking exception with, the idea that extroversion offered no usefulness in and of itself.

Never said they couldn't. In fact, I think that in the end introverts are capable of being more empathetic than extroverts. As far as being gregarious, yes, they certainly can do that--again, in the context of their close friends. They're not incapable of gauging human character, but they are less confident at it, and more careful about it.

People think Bill Gates must be an introvert because he's a computer geek. But I've seen Bill Gates speak to a crowd of thousands, and it's my personal opinion that he's not an introvert. Or at least, he has the ability to perform as an extrovert, either the way lookout does, the way I do, or perhaps some completely different way. Of course the only way to know would be to ask him. Almost no one is entirely one way or the other; most fall somewhere in between. All I'm saying is that there is an inherent importance to the skills of an extrovert, and it's foolish to write them off as unecessary. You should always admire people who have skills you don't have, no matter what those skills are.

Most of the good martial artists that I know are introverts.

I've no idea about football players.

Extroverts seem to be the ones getting things started, leaving it to the introverts to do the detailed work. It takes both, to inspire, organize, and do a thorough job.

That said, we're dividing everyone into two categories, and that's not valid.

Nice summary.

While doing the dishes, I was chuckling to myself wondering, if I ever need car repairs,to get my car(or anything)started, if I should call an extrovert.hehehe joking!

It seems pretty clear that most of us are a bit of both as far as extrovert and introvert goes. In large part, it's because we're all different, and find different things comfortable while others we're more nervous about. Mostly this is due to social conditioning and also at times (speaking for myself) due to health issues etc.

I wouldn't say either is more important or valuable to society. If we all spoke at once all the time, imagine the mess we'd be in then. I'd also like to point out that extroverts aren't just noisy people. Sometimes the extrovert has the least to say of anyone, but there's a certain charisma about the person which draws people in. Again, I think it depends on the situation though.

I heard that most people's #1 fear is public speaking, and #2 is death. I guess that would make the majority introverts.

@skysidhe, starter motors are definitely extroverts. "haha"

the public speaking thing--totally unrelated imo

Really? Do you think introverts have no fear of public speaking?

Plenty of extroverts dislike public speaking too.

I guess I must be strange compared to everyone else. I have no fear of either public speaking or death.

As introverted as I can be, I enjoy public speaking and acting and playing bass unabashedly on stage.

The difference is this: I'm fine once I'm given a role to play, but if I have to just freelance, forget it.

I've been giving this a lot of thought lately. Sometimes I feel like I've got a split personality, extrovert vs. introvert, social vs. unsociable. You just never know what you're gonna get with me. :)

My husband has called me "socially inept." That really pissed me off, because at the time I was perfectly happy being a hermit. I've been a stay-at-home mom since 1998, and it's really hard to make real-life friends when you never GO anywhere. So most of my friends were his friends--great people but I wouldn't call 'em up to chat. Though he's always tried to get me to do that, at least with the women. We get along great at parties, but I can't make myself just call them.

Actually I can't remember just calling someone to talk for a very long time--not since I had my friend Maria from high school and a few years beyond, not since she and I parted ways in 1990. I kind of miss it. I've tried to make friends since then, but I always worry--is this a bad time? Do they really want me to do this or are they just saying to do it? Why don't THEY call ME?

But I am a writer. I am also a prolific discussion board poster. (well I go through phases.) So I guess in some ways I'm extroverted, or at least an attention whore. :) If you're a writer, doesn't that mean at some level you want people to understand you and interact with you?

But I'm changing. I'm trying to get out more, do business networking, socialize with people I met at school (HELLOOOO Brianna!!!!)

I dunno what happened but sometime this year a switch was flipped and I suddenly became Ms. Social Butterfly. I go to these events and I smile and approach people and laugh and am just a happy camper. I know just what to say, what to do, I empathize with people who look nervous. I've just decided to have FUN. Be myself. Because I'm awesome.

Hubby says it's the degree. :)

Yeah, maybe. Maybe it's just that I'm fuckin' 42 years old so what the hell am I waiting for? Someone to rescue me? What do I have to lose? Time's running out. They don't like me? To hell with 'em.

But I'm also happier than I've ever been in my life. I think that inner glow comes through, somehow, which makes people like me more, which makes me happier, which . . . you get it. :)

OTOH, once I'm done, I need time ALONE. It wears me out. I need to recharge.

But it's fun.

Except that not everybody is ready for the new me. I took the new me to a party a couple weeks ago and now the kids are spreading a rumor that I was totally trashed because, why? I was laughing and dancing and singing along with the music, having a wonderful time instead of just standing there holding up the wall, you know? No, I'm just high on my mid-life crisis, thanks!

I generally don't fear it and sometimes actually enjoy moving a crowd, but I have to be prepared. The role-playing that UT mentioned is big. I think that is why I'm usually ok at meetings.

Exactly! Now all you have to do is build in your mind the role of the confident, suave, socially savvy man, and play that guy whenever you go out. Give him a fake life story and everything. (But don't tell people that life story when you're playing this role, because that's called pathological lying and it's frowned upon. Just let it inform the character.) Don't say what Undertoad would say, play the character the way He would say it. Eventually that character could be named Social Undertoad, and you could be able to turn him on and off at will.

I could emcee scholarship banquets with wit and eloquence. I could teach classes and earn the respect and admiration of the students. I can talk to students for 10 hours in a row and do a damn good job.

I hate every single minute of it, deep inside.

In social situations, I can hold my own. Give me a couple brewskis and I have everyone rolling, but is that "me" or another version of "me"? Is my introversion hidden by the beer, or is my extroversion enhanced by the beer? ;)

To be fair, I can be completely social without alcohol, and have a good time, but just as often I'd rather be home with my nose in a book.

Master Thespian.

(new user title)

I couldn't work out why my post was different to other people's.
I just felt it was.
I reread it.
And then I realised something I already knew.
It's not the difference between extrovert or introvert to me; it's whether people like me or not.

No-one else has based their action on other people's reaction. After all, that wasn't the point.
With me, it's pretty much my only factor.

That's sad.

people like people who like them. i.e., the love you take is equal to the love you make.

Clone thread:
I have always admired people who are genuinely socialist

Label me, people! Introvert or Extrovert? Sociable or Unsociable? tell me your impressions then I'll tell you how they match up to my perceptions of the real monster......

I'd guess that you're fundamentally an introvert with the ability to turn it on and present as an extrovert upon the first pressing (without having to warm up) into a social situation much as Clod suggests above. I classify those who can will themselves (opposed to doing it naturally) to turn it on upon the first pressing as Extravirginverts.

People will find you socially acceptable whether you choose to be sociable or unsociable with them; because, they'll figure you did so by choice rather than inhibition.

Oh! Do me, do me!

careful with that, Dana ;)

Sundae - I don't think you are giving yourself enough credit.

Unsociable extrovert. You don't give a damn what people think of you, and you'll tell it to everybody you meet. :p:

I'm not a "starter". In a group of "unfamiliars", I can hold my own when someone else starts the conversation, but I freeze up when I have to lead. I have a friend who can start talking to anyone. He's the master ice-breaker.

Never seeing no one nice again like you...

Sometimes I'm in the mood to chat and sometimes, I'm not. A lot of it depends on who I'm around and the venue. I'm perfectly content to sit alone and people-watch, but also, if in the mood and the location is right, to engage with one or a crowd and get rowdy.

You seem like a well rounded healthy individual Stormie.

Since you're not outgoing in most social situations, you're not an extrovert. While you share some traits that I attributed to monster like being able to "turn it on," you seem to simply portray that role rather than stepping into it. The ability to step into it comes from a feeling of confidence that when you step into a room, you COULD exercise some form of control over everyone in it if you chose to do so. Soldiers could exercise the power of life and death, comedians could exercise the power of joy and laughter, parents could exercise the power of love and approval ... etc. Finding that niche enables one to completely step into the role when they "turn it on." The aftereffects are minimal.

While I classified monster as an Extravirginvert (technically a sous extrovert), I would classify you as a Thespianvert (technically a haut introvert).

who knew cinnabon was a psych major?

I mean sexobon. SEXOBON.

Thanks :)

I, uh, was an introvert as a child. I went everywhere with a book and was never so happy as I was when alone. I didn't have many friends and was painfully shy. It was pounded into me that what other people thought mattered most.

Then I fell in love with alcohol. It stripped my shyness and my inhibitions, even those I should have maintained. With a drink or three in me, I was the life of the party....until I crossed over the line and then...uh...well, I can't remember.

Since sobriety and escaping abuse, I have worked on just being me. I do what makes me happy and feels comfortable. I can talk to anyone and have several roles that require leadership, however, I have few close friends and am happiest at home with my partner, children and pets.

Not sure what the "label" is that would apply to my personality, and also, not sure I care :D

How about normal, recovered, whole :)


I am not at the totally recovered stage but I am working on it.

I am affable and sociable; pretty much the opposite, emotionally, of Undertoad at his OP.

This does not make me a piano-grinning gladhander on all occasions. But it does make me capable of a small talk that often as not leads to a deeper category of speech. I can push into a group if necessary, and I can make people happy I did.

Charisma is not inborn; it is a social skill that can be practiced and it can be learned. Some of those kids you envied socially back in the day were naturals at it; I was not.

ISTP

:lol:

Thanks Sexobon:)


The 'turning it on' is only with people I don't know, and particularly large groupings in places I don't know. Once I know people I am quite outgoing and confident.

So, the first couple of times I taught a class when I started doing the literacy tuition. Addressing striking workers on behalf of the local MP. First few classes at Uni. Turning up at a stranger's house to hear their problem.

I 'turn it on' and after a while I feel the confidence I portray. I have a dualism when it comes to confidence. I am both very confident and very lacking in confidence at the same time. My natural inclination, from being very young, has been to be talkative and self-confident in company. My actual experience of the world has at times conflicted with that (extreme bullying and during some periods total ostracism at school because of severe and disfiguring eczema) which makes me instinctively recoil at the thought of interacting with new people/full rooms/crowds.

I started the school year a few weeks late one year. By which time the kids in the classes i attended had all sorted out their seating arrangements before I got there. My French class was overfull, and every class I'd go in and try and find somewhere to sit. Because I was coming from a lunchtime music class I was always a couple of minutes late for the class. I'd walk in and the other kids would turn and look and then the muttering would start. And the giggling.

And I go from desk to fucking desk trying to find somewhere to sit, having picked up the spair chair from the back. I was supposed to attach myself to the end of one of the two people desks making it a three person desk. Each desk i got to the kids wuold say stuff like "don't fuckin sit here you dirty cow" or "ewww. Fuckoff you disgusting bitch". Said under their breath. Loud enough for me to hear. And each class, after I'd wandered round like some fucking tramp, the teacher wuold spin round and tell me off. For making a fuss. just sit down, she'd say.

Sorry. Bit of a rant. That one still gets to me if I think about it.

But anyway. That's why i don't like going into a room full of people or initiating conversation with groups.

Once I've 'turned it on' for a bit, I usually feel it. It's like all that natural confidence I used to have (before school kicked it out of me) comes back.

That was seriously trial by fire Dana. Seriously. You've done awfully good at coming away from that with your heart and soul intact.

I am very similar. When I feel comfortable around people I become extremely extroverted and am usually very loud. When I don't feel comfortable around people I either come off as the "nice guy" or get mad and start trying to force confidence and come off as an asshole. Usually, my main problem is actually starting a conversation. Once I get past that barrier and the other person can get past my initial weirdness, which is not necessarily a bad thing, I usually feel comfortable.

Is stripping an extrovert activity? :blush:

OK, I sorta lied a little because i've never managed to label myself, so i was interested to read your interprestations. :lol:

I HATE public speaking, but I'm perfectly willing to do it and am not bad at it IF it's necessary for somethig I'm passionate about AND ...I know the most of the crowd (like a school function)

I hate to talk to strangers on the phone, hate to make small talk with shop assistants, would rather do the British thing of pretending people coming toward you on the sidewalk don't exist.....

But once I'm comfortable with you, watch out... I love to party and I'll talk the hind legs off a donkey.

That sounds like fun.

Anyone have a donkey they'd be willing to risk so that we could run the experiment?