I'm Jim, and I'm a Compulsive Overeater
 

Did you know there was such a thing? I might have, I don't remember if I knew of them, but I do now because I realize that I am one. Just like drug addicts and alcoholics. I've repeatedly spent my family's money on fast food and lied about it to my wife. I've also fucked our money up on a scary level, and drank too much for the last 3 or 4 years. Jinx and I have had several confrontations about this, and I always tell her I will fix it.... and that I won't fuck up again....and then I cool out for a little while.... but then, i start again..getting sneakier each time. I have convinced her that i will say anything and then just go do what I want.

And it may have cost me everything I really care about. On Tuesday night, jinx asked me to go stay with my mom for 'a while.'

I went to my first OA meeting on Wednesday. They do the same 12 step Process that AA does. I need to get this fixed in a lasting way, and I see and hear proponents of these programs enough to want to believe there is some hope there for me.

So, I'm going to be kind of... different here for a while. I won't ram my problems down your throats, but I wanted to tell you about it because it is the truth.

Sorry to read of your difficulties, LJ. You have taken a big step by just admitting you have a problem. So many people stay in denial for years and years. I wish you well working the steps - its not always easy.

I'm sure you're aware that alcohol consumption only makes things worse. It lowers your inhibitions and adds many nasty calories. You might want to look at limiting your alcohol intake as well.

Hang in there. I understand how tough your problem can be.

Well that sucks donkey balls. :(
It's hard to believe you could eat enough junk food, to blow the family finances, but you're certainly compromising your heath.

This too, shall pass... I know you're smart enough to straighten this out, and the sunshine & bluebirds will return to happy valley, pretty quick.

best wishes

I hope you can both sort your issues out. It's terrible when a family is separated.

Good luck with whatever path you take.

Jim, you are NOT alone in this.

If there is ever anything I can do - please let me know.

Actually, the 12 steps have made my life better in so many ways --- just let go and trust the process (it's a process, not an event!) and believe that you will get better.

Hugs to you my friend. Hugs and comfort.

Wow. I admit I'm kind of baffled by this whole thread--kind of thought it was a parody at first--because you're right, I did not realize there was such a thing. But if it screws things up, it screws things up, and that's a problem. So good for you for working on it. You and jinx both know we're always here for you.

I realized such a thing existed. I too thought this might be a parody, but I see now it isn't. I stress eat badly, but I don't think that's the same level of which you speak.

Ain't none of us perfect and we all have our struggles. I wish you the very best in this, jim. I also think it's wonderful that you feel good to come here with it: I would not be so brave.

Sorry man. I feel your pain. Deeply.

You're brave to be so open about it. I wish you guys the best as you work through this. Changing behavior isn't easy, but if you really set your mind to it, I know you can do it. Many have, and you can too.

GD. Whatever you need that I can offer... just call.

Thoughts going out to you. Be strong.

I'm sorry you are going through this and wish you the best of luck on your journey.

I have a frnd out there who was in similar (or even worst) situation last year. It was no less than a miracle that he changed, but it was a slow process. Just trying to tell you that its possible.
Keep your head high man. I hope you come out with win-win smile like Mickey in Disney land :)

I appreciate all of your replies and support. I'm going to do this. I'm so very amazed at how far away from myself this took me. When you're this scared of losing your life's love, the food thing is a no brainer. But I need to be able to control it when I'm not afraid of losing her. I need to be able to control this for the rest of my life. When I realized that I've become a liar, I got pretty disheartened. That's a long trip to come back from, but I want to do it, and I have to do it.

I will most likely limit my participation on the cellar in general until I start to feel like I am progressing somewhat. I hope it doesn't take too long.

I'm sorry to hear this, LJ. My partner struggles with this as well, and I've strugged with smoking and drinking. Overeating is particularly difficult to manage due to the fact that you can't simply NOT eat.

Good luck with it, and feel free to contact me if you want to know what is working for us.

Stormie

Jim, I admit to waiting for the other shoe to fall, but at the same time I can completely relate. Especially to the surreptitious eating. And the self sabotage.

Good luck and let us know if we can help.

Every day reveals to me a new level of how bad I've become. Today, and worst yet, a glimpse of how bad this all makes jinx feel. Through my selfishness, and gluttony, I've hurt not only her trust, but her feeling of self worth. I admit to feeling sorry for myself when this first happened, and being scared for my future.... fear of being alone, and the humiliation of the rejection.... but the way I feel right now? that I've made her feel like she deserved this for some reason? like there's something wrong with her?



This is no joke. not even a little bit.

Don't forget: you're human.

Yeah, I don't know many people who aren't fucked up somewhere in their life.

It's the nature of partnership... when one fucks up it's natural for the other to question whether it's partially their fault. Thinking maybe they could have done something to prevent it. That's just a sign it was a good partnership to begin with.

I'm absolutely, positively, unquestionably, without a doubt, certain you guys can weather this storm without permanent damage.

Nicely said, Bruce.

thirded

I am sure your counsoller (SP) will have some great ideas to help you out with this, But I have one that might help in the short term. Even before your "time apart" is finished, perhaps think of putting Jinx in charge of all finances. Sit down together and figure out all bills, spending money, savings, etc... Then give yourself an allowance. With your allowance, break that down even farther. How much is going to: booze, smokes( if you smoke), fast food, clothes, toys etc...
Use envelopes if needed, once the money in each envelope is gone, don't cheat and use another. Not having the money to spend will make you not have to lie, because you won't be able to slip.

This worked for my hubby and I, he had no concept of budgeting, and we were fighting all the time. Now I handle all finaces, and EACH of us get an allowance to spend however we want. The bills are getting paid, and our debt each year is going down. The best part is, we don't fight over missing a bill and who was suppose to pay it, or anything like that. Putting hubby on a budget helped him take more ownership with his money, and he was less likely to spend it all as fast. We have a pre-paid credit card with a bit on it, for emergancies, for things he can not wait for me about. Even after 17 years, he does have access to our joint account, but asks before using those funds, in case they are for a bill or something.
Perhaps something like this might help you guys?

I wish you both all the best, good luck with the road ahead, just remember curves, bumps and pit falls are part of the journey. If you can travel it together it won't feel so rocky.

Jim remember that there's a lot of people here (and in real life, I'm sure) that are rooting for you.

The most important thing said here so far has been 'Don't beat yourself up too much, you are human after all.'

I do the "stress eating" thing. It's a repeating loop. I feel bad, so I eat. Then I feel bad for eating. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Jim, please, share with us all of this that you feel you can comfortably share. I, for one am very interested in what the OA way is going to be like.

Oh, and: Put. Down. The. Curly Fries. And slowly back away.:D

Well, diggr, it begins with admitting to yourself that you are powerless over your addiction.

After struggling with my weight for my whole life... I have to admit. I'm powerless over it. It's harder than it sounds to admit that. At this point, right now, I believe it intellectually. I don't think I 100% believe it in my heart though. I have to do that before I can go any further. I'll get it. It feels more like a matter of letting go, than grasping new knowledge. Surrender to the truth, not discover it.

Oh LJ! I'm so sorry to hear of your troubles! I think Jaydaan has some very good advice about money management. You know that there are plenty here who've had thir own struggles and you've added your support when they've needed it. Now it's your turn to lean on us, your friends here. Hugs to you and your family, mate.

Dang, dude. I hate to hear about something like this. But I think it's good for you to be talking about it. I'm going to avoid the whole internet thing of giving all kinds of advice* based on a brief description of a complex issue, but I do agree that this can be conquered. I'm not very good at people skills but if there is something I could do that would help you, I would do that thing.



*Okay, but if I was going to, I would agree that some type of "envelope system" i.e. Dave Ramsey is a good system for managing money.

Good for you for taking an active step to adjust your lifestyle, that's really how it begins. i have tendencies to overeat, too, plus an inactive lifestyle to boot, all complicated by a lifetime of digestive issues in general. i completely understand where you're at - i fight with food constantly, too. sometimes food wins still.

one day at a time, and you can sort it out. keep posting on your progress if it helps any - your success as well as your slips, and it may help you gain control of it. it's tough. i totally agree with stormieweather up above - it feels harder because you just can't simply not eat the way you can not drink alcohol or smoke a cigarette - you have to have food to survive! in one very real sense that makes it even harder than any drug or alcohol or other addiction - but it *is* one that can be overcome, still. best of luck to you.

LJ.... I can TOTALLY relate... in a huge way... I've transfered one addiction to another over the years and it rested and still does to a large degree in eating. I am what you would call a binge eater. I doubled in size... literally and was eating more than Flint who is a foot taller than me. I sneak... and can easily consume a weeks worth of lunches in one afternoon. I've had so many excuses over the years for eating too much... and it has kept me from being truly happy and feeling like myself... its kept me from excersing and doing things with Flint I would love to do. I'm ashamed of it... I'm ashamed of my body and that is a terrible way to feel. It is horrible to be afraid of food... you have to eat.

To be honest the HCG diet has been wonderful for me because I have to measure my food... it is totally joyless and my weight loss is so rapid that I have yet to fall off the wagon. I don't do well when allowed to eat a simi normal diet ... I sneak and justify eating and god forbid something stressful happens... we won't even go into that.

I just wanted you to know that you aren't the only one... and you can beat it... if you want more infomation on what I've found to help... or this diet... I'm here... you can pm me... or... you have my personal e-mail... you know where to find me... you can even have my number if you want... I doubt Flint would object.

Thanks, We actually are already taking Jayd's advice. As of yesterday, jinx has my bank card, and I'll draw an allowance to get me through the week with gas and food. It's tough to admit that you've failed at something, but I have proven that I can't be relied on to work the plan.... so...

We all fail at something from time to time... some of us are bright enough to realize our failures, some of us are fortunate enough to have loved ones brave and honest enough to enlighten us, and some of us never get it and continue on our paths of self distruction.

We are here for you... you are awesome LJ in so many ways... you can overcome this.

There's also more to this than the eating. It's the deception. I smoked behind her back for a while a few years ago too. Jesus I suck.

you guys should be supporting jinx, she's the wronged party here. She didnt deserve to be treated like this.

I meant you in the plural sense. I'm sure that most people meant that as well.

We are here to support the both of you. You both need healing and compasion and understanding.

I'm sorry. I know you guys(allyouguys) did. I'm not thinking very clearly today.

I support you both, but there are worse things than an eating disorder. Like womanizing or drug and alcohol addiction. You don't have to do drugs, drink , or even have sex to live but you do have to eat. Learning to control what you eat is a challenge but you can do it!

My hub is a horder I "enjoy" that this is his problem rather than him having a drug, alcohol or womanizing problem. He is learning to throw things away. Change can happen, good luck! :)

Jim, I'm sure you may have already discovered this but I think what you were going through was more of a power struggle. As a women who is the strong one in the relationship (or the decision maker for the most part), I can see where and how that affects the (my) husband. This problem needs the both of you to handle.

Are you back home?

(@ pico) That is probably always the case, and I understand that immeidate family often attends these sorts of meetings and gets something constructive out of it.

I was just wondering where you guys were! I hope all goes well on your road to recovery! None of us here are perfect... I understand if you need to fess up and change.

I have things to quit too...when I'm ready.

I'm glad you are putting your best foot forward, in earnest!

God luck and I hope things cool off! We're around if you need us minus the recipies. :)

Love and support to you BOTH !!!!!

Might sound corny, but the book I'm reading right now, The Five Love Languages, is really good and appears more practical than most of the other relationship books I've read.

No, monster. I'm living at my mom's. In my old room. She didn't mean 'a while' ...like a few hours. It wasn't a quick time out... It was either that or she was going to take the kids and go who knows where. she was/is that freaked out. She's 37, and completely dependent on me to provide for her and her kids... she trusted me to do that.... and I'm fucking it up badly.

I don't know yet how bad this is. I keep thinking I do, but then something else is made clear to me. I've been ignoring warnings and symptoms of stress in our relationship for many years, it seems. I want to be as honest about this as I can, and I keep thinking that I am, only to realize later that I haven't been. I can't even tell when I'm spinning the facts at this point. If I can't see the truth, how can I tell it?........I don't know.

I haven't had a drink in 10 days, or coffee, or junk food.... and last night I finally got more than 4 hours of sleep, so I'm starting to realize some of the things I've said and done... .

Today when I woke up, I felt a little bit more optimistic about things, and then a past due electric bill turned up. I had put off paying that. It was due early this month and I had carried a smallish amount from the prior month... so I owed 369 on July 3rd or something. I knew I was falling behind there, and I was planning on calling... blah blah blah...spin deleted.... now next months bill is here and its 6something.

anyway, I had to go in and ask my boss for an advance against my bonus to hopefully cover it, so that when jinx takes over the bills, she's not starting in a hole. I had to tell him what I was dealing with, so he'd understand it if I make some colossal fuck up here at work. I told him I was out of the house, and that I am going to get help. He was just as nice about it as you all have been. I am so ashamed about this that I don't want to tell anyone else I work with. I will eventually, but not while there's a danger of my bursting into tears in front of them. I work hard and make a lot of money. Our bills should be paid. All of them, every month.

i lied. I had one of my sister's homemade beers on Sunday after we built the deck. It was delicious.

oh man. I'm so sorry. But like the others, I can't believe it can't be fixed. You're way stronger than you are currently giving yourself credit for, but that's not too surprising at this point in the journey. Congrats on admitting to the beer. Definitely the key here for you seems to be to fix the sneaking/avoiding the truth first. You can't fix everything at once, pick your battles and that one seems like it's first in line.

When it comes down to it its just all about learning new habits. OA will help you figure out what those need to be for you. Once you have a better handle on your healthy habits, you wont feel the need for the deception.

I don't think the beer was a big deal. I just forgot that I had it. I had worked out in the sun all day, and she had brewed it herself, so I had one. But I'm trying extra hard to be 100% truthful here. reality Is.

Driving home tonight, I was thinking of all the different ways Shelby has tried to help me control my weight. I should actually say SOME of the ways, as there have been far too many to remember half of them.... How long she spent coming up with one good idea after another to help me get control of it. She got me going to the gym, she cooked healthy food for me to take to work, she tried letting go and saying nothing about it, she tried threatening me, she tried shaming me, she tried every thing a person could to help another get it. And I blithely pretended to take her advice...maybe sometimes I'd even go so far as to follow it for a week or two.... rarely. And then I'd go right back to my usual thing. Eating to capacity at every opportunity, eating more meat than a family needs.... eating 4 or 5 meals worth of food in a day some times.

My mind and body are way out of harmony. I need to get that balance back. I feel so terrible about how much time she wasted trying in vain to get through to me about this.

I think I really do believe in my heart that I couldn't and can't handle this alone. How else can I justify the way I've treated my wife? I would have gotten a hold of it at some point in the last 10 years or so right? But my compulsions have slowly gotten worse, and I was teetering at the brink of 300# in spite of the active lifestyle and exercise we did together.

I'm going to struggle with the next part. I am unsure about what higher power i can identify to restore me to sanity. I was brought up Christian, but intellectually, I don't believe in 'God' as a specific entity. Can I believe in him Spiritually? I wonder if I can allow that dichotomy to exist inside me. I've always been more of a believer in a Force.... which makes individual attention from that force a bit suspect in my mind. I's like to say I'll use FSM, but I don't want to joke around about this.

Oh hell, that's an easy one. Jinx is god(ess) and you're going straight to hell if you don't shape up. ;)

You created the shame feelings because they recreated feelings that you secretly enjoyed as a child. They were a comfort. And the full feelings, also a low-level, basic comfort. You may have sought to create an emotion over which you actually had full control, to avoid more painful or complicated emotions that you could not control. The excitement of "getting away with it" can also be part of the addictive reaction.

That will be $90. Same time next week?

Unrelated to 12-step programs or religion or whatnot, but maybe helpful:
my doctor wants me to lose weight, and recommends some supplement beverage drink mix junk called Bioslife Slim.

It's expensive as hell if you buy it outright, but if you call the company and do auto-pay monthly shipments and some membership it's about $60 for a month's supply. I bought a short supply of bios life (regular, not slim) from my doctor directly a while ago, but haven't tried it long enough to report on any benefits yet. it's supposed to help lower cholesterol, blood sugar with chromium, and basically thickens in your stomach to help you feel full without eating as much if you chug it a bit before a meal. It does do that, at least to me. Maybe it'd help you eat less.

But, an important aside: the annoying part is, and consider this carefully, that the company pushes it as a multi-level marketing thing where you can open a 'franchise' and sell it to other people, so i am wary of it a bit, but my doctor swears he has seen results from it in patients who have tried it, both in weight loss and blood sugar reduction, to the point of having at least one patient able to lose weight and stop taking insulin. I'm type 2 diabetic myself, so that is of rather great interest to me. i don't take insulin yet, and i'm trying to keep it that way.

I wouldn't EVER buy INTO anything from them (or a similar company) as far as a "business opportunity" goes, but I may give their product a try for a couple more months and see if it does anything. It shouldn't hurt anything but the pocketbook at worst, and I keep meticulous logs and trend graphs of my blood sugar so I'll have a little bit of data to watch. I need to get a good scale while I'm at it to watch that. Of course, diet and behavior modification, exercise, and calorie counting also goes hand-in-hand with it. I'm not conducting a "real" research study either so as far as confounding variables go those are something that I'll have to consider too.

http://www.unicity.net/usa/page/slim is the url for the stuff, if you dare.

And speaking of similar companies, another one called Melaleuca sells all sorts of junk in a similar fashion - but one of their products I tried actually I really, really liked. They also have a fiber supplement drink called "Fiberwise" that fills you up in a similar way, though doesn't have the weight loss claims attached. It's got a lot of different fiber sources, vitamins, and nutritional supplement stuff that may or may not do much, but as a whole the fiber content alone was actually excellent and it did its job (ahem) well.
http://businesscenter.melaleuca.com/...=1&sCatId=2156 is a direct link to the product. I went through a jug of the peach flavor over a couple of months. The upshot is that it's far, far cheaper than Bios Life Slim.

A disclaimer, to be clear: i don't sell the stuff, not affiliated in any way, etc. And, I can't stress enough, if you try either one, I strongly encourage that you don't get sucked in by the multi-level marketing part. It's *way* too easy to get burned doing that. But the products do seem decent, good even, so it might be worth a shot to try buying some. YMMV.

No matter how you choose to do it, I'd truly like to hear that you're able to succeed at this. It really makes me happy to hear about people making positive changes in their lives.

I had a terrible time with the higher power thing when I was first introduced to AA. I was a pretty firm agnostic and studied biology in college on top of that. There is no room for God in a strict scientific discipline. God kept driving me out the door of AA, and alcohol kept driving me back in. It sucked.

Finally, I realized that I had had a higher power all along - alcohol. For you it may be food. I loved Jack Daniels more than I did my husband. I put my spouse through hell, so I could maintain my relationship with old Jack. I lied for and about my alcohol use. All my extra money was tithed to Jack's church. I woke up thinking of my next drink and went to sleep wishing I would die because I hated myself for drinking so much.

Alcohol was THE NUMBER ONE higher power in my life. So, I figured that since I already did have a higher power in my life after all, I might as well try switching to a new one. Some people use their group, but that didn't work for me.

I started reading about spirituality and the different types of beliefs. I liked Buddhism the best, and I began very haltingly to try to practice that. I could go with an intelligence of the universe, so I began to pray to that.

After a couple of years of this, I had two extremely powerful spiritual experiences about a year apart - me the confirmed agnostic.

You don't need to join an organized religion or become a Buddhist or even have a spiritual experience. What I have discovered is that there is much truth in "seek and you shall find." Even if you don't know what you are looking for, the act of seeking is enough.

Good luck on your journey, Jim.

brilliant, Sam.

The act of seeking IS enough.

I found that to be true and I'm a recovering Catholic - talk about shame.

I know you are joking here, but this actually touches on something that I was thinking. I think I was using jinx as a higher power, or as my conscience.(Hugely unfair of me, btw) Knowing all the while that I could fool her. As long as she didn't ask me directly if I ate at mcdonalds, I wouldn't get caught. And she never asked me.

I should be able to be honest enough to myself to see that what I'm doing is counterproductive to my goal, and stop that behavior. It shouldn't be ok if no one else knows. I know. I am the boss of me. I have to do the right thing because it is the right thing. Not because I'm trying not to get caught doing the wrong thing.

I see it now, today, and I hope to be able to maintain focus on that.

You help others by talking about this, you know. It's part of the process. So, thanks, on behalf of those of us who have such things to think about in our lives, as well.

Sam,
Thank you. I think I will look into buddism.

Jim...are you a reader? I am and I have always found comfort in looking for answers in books. A while back I was in crisis - mentally and emotionally. So I went to Barnes and Nobles and bought a bunch of books. Most of them were based on Buddhism and even though they didn't supply answers right away, they did show me that a lot of my problems stemmed from how and where I spent my mental focus. Another book, the Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns, helped me with that a little better because it was much more straight forward.

You can do this Jim. Your mental capacity is strong...very strong.