From the Dark Corners of my Mind
 

Today, I felt the fear again. It was like sense of being lost in some vast empty space-whose vastness was beyond all the realities. A huge empty energy nabbed me in the stomach giving me that sense of falling forever. A complete jungle of same senseless questions dressed in enigmatic aura came facing me again. And since they were as always so faceless, so 'nothing-like', so simple and so intricate at same time, I felt the fear. Like a mouse trapped in the cage, I felt the claustrophobia of complete emptiness of universe around me. I had that same tingy sense in my mind that makes me want to go insane sometimes. It’s like curse that doesn't leave me. So many times I try to live like normal people. Every time I end up like a street bulb on a dark street, not knowing what’s beyond the sphere of my light.
The fabrication of reality so often bothers me. There's something so obvious to my senses that I don't know. It might be that this is all like talking in circles and not making any sense. Maybe I am just ‘delusion-ist’, who just articulates demons out of complete logic of sensible existence. But that is what it often feels to my brain. It’s like living on the edge sometimes, always fearing a great fall into unfathomable abyss. Why there is nowhere to escape and what is "me"? Have you ever been lost in the dark corridors, feeling desperately for somewhere to get out? Somewhere you can get light to see around. Or fumbling in panic for the switch that you know is there but just can't get hold of. Imagine being forced to bear such nightmare for endless hours; this might give you some idea. Each fragment of time will pass in a fear of unknown shadows. There will be a constant crawling in flesh in an anticipation of something lurking that is ready to pounce on you.
Perhaps the situation is worst. It’s like trying to find a window in pitch black meaningless nowhere, but being afraid to find the window as it might give you a glimpse into even darker, endlessly gigantic reality that defies all the reality that was ever known. It will be like a feeling of a child in the circus of clowns with vampire teeth. Or it will be like a child's feeling of knowing that all those smiling faces will dig their canines into his stomach. A child's feeling of knowing all this, and also knowing that’s there's no mommy to run to.
If all the tiny sub-quantum elements that they discover are complete universes in their own making, and each of those universes that are created have sub-quantum/atomic elements of their own which are universes of their own making which are.......
Days when the sands in the deserts blew in flick of second, a cuckoo's song lasted for eternity. A song that created a new universe and it existed in all thoughts. There was we, me and you, and all the thoughts, makers of the worlds. Still like the sand we flew, in a flick of a second, and then there was a cuckoo's song. The days and nights and all that is in-between; or the truths and the lies we were told, what have the meaning? Often on the births and deaths, the entropy of something gets disturbed. And I am afraid, the fear of it being so obvious, and fear of not knowing it; but worst of all, fear of being able to know it. Life that was and life that will be, the tiny petals of trees, all the loved ones and beloved, on the blue road that we walk so hand in hand, I am often afraid......there's no road, there's no you, there's no me.

My predictive cure for you: HUBBLE 3D IMAX


This said on the premise of embracing your fears.

Seriously, I was thinking of the movie Contact. You get the sense of your place in the universe or at least the character conveys it very well but I think total immersion in outer space would be even better. I would love it myself.

Could be panic attacks or incipient schizophrenia. Have Dr. Wolf take a look at you, mmm. Maybe not, but I'd seriously talk to a professional.

maybe it's hypergraphia.

I have never seen Nihilism, Fatalism,and Existential Depression amongst so much Quantum Theory. I hope this won't be recurring.

Dr Wolf you are being paged.

In a way, we all suffer from this. Awareness level differ. Realization levels differ. But my experience is that often people have similar feelings if they are peeled to their core personalities.
Dr Wolf, you are included in the patient list :)

has anyone read the OP all the way through yet?

Yes, it presents as the quintessential defeatist mindset. Perhaps indicated are professionally structured confidence exercises after physiological defects are ruled out.

Quintessential defeatist and quintessential nomadic mindsets differ.

I think the writing is wonderful.

Honestly - maybe it's my ageing eyes - but I can't read it. It needs to be double spaced. I keep losing my place.

I know I have had this condition before but I hope it wasn't a whole paragraph or two of single thought sentences.

They all carry a single theme but they all can stand on their own as headers to deeper thought or a deeper conclusion.

I know someone who is like what this reads. I am not saying you are outwardly so wanderer but for the people who act on these thoughts in their day to day life, for them and to me they are a black whole of neediness to which every speck of light and hope is sucked into oblivion.( not anyone I live with fortunately )


I for one do not want to lose my sense of awe and wonder. After just three hours in the company of such a lost soul I feel corrupted and reaffirmed my conviction that I could never ever work in a place where dreary negativism runs rampant.

Wanderer I would be careful as to what these thoughts would manifest as in elderly years. They might find there expression more easily forthcoming due to weakness in the body whereas as a younger person they were safely kept in the dark corners of ones mind.

Well, I thought it was really interesting. I do think it'd benefit from doublespacing, possibly, but nonetheless I found it quite beautiful.

Mental illnesses are often thought to be profound; we imagine they offer additional insight into the human condition.

I think that's bullshit, myself.

Also, smoke pours out of our ears when we try to read it: it's too hard.

wanderer: it's not conventional writing. This is why I like it. It doesn't hand it all to you: "he ripped mah heart out and stabbed me in his Jack Daniel's hearty rage, and so I'm wallowing in pain and misery and...all that other stuff that's a-hurtin'." This is why I like it. There are deeper things out there than "beginning, middle, denouement, end." This is why I like it. It's too hard for some to read. This, mostly, is why I like it. ;)

You may now return to Twilight and Grisham.

His post is actually one of those magic eye things. if you look long enough....

you can makeout the outline of a pickle...
http://gickr.com/results4/anim_24564...b3c62d4669.gif

:lol:

And humor, too, has levels. That was funny!

i lol'd. out loud.

I love the last paragraph. I wish that it were there as a stand-alone. Very beautiful and thought provoking. It has the poetic, metaphysical qualities of the great poets and thinkers of old. I can really really associate moments like this with myself in a very personal way. I think I had that moment myself. Thank you for writing it.

The beginning, though poetic, artistic, and philosophy driven, hard to read. Full of existential depression and fatalism...Of course I am the last person to complain of someone being hard to read. ;)


lol'd @ Jim.

You are right. When I read the last paragraph alone it was better. Maybe it took all that prior purging to get to the creative part.

To fear and to wonder is not an illness contrary to first few replies. It take much more courage to acknowledge the dark realities that you are so intrigued with. And it takes more of it to pen it down.
Sure, double spacing would have been quite helpful for all the aging eyes out there.

bleh

BTW, there's ctrl+<scroll-up> option available with almost any man-made browser, in case someone is interested in missing out the charm of "small-font & less-than-double-spaced" articles/blogs :D

:lol: I am so grateful that it's not an exorcist face. How I hated those email jokes. Scared the hell out of me. :yelsick: Btw, how did you make the pickle to appear like that. Cool trick. :thumb2:

You got that right jinx. These are lines typically fed to someone in therapy. This is the psycho-babble of someone who believes that having that experience qualifies them to expound on a subject with "lay" people. It's a fraud. That does not; however, diminish a talent for creative writing. Give credit where credit is due. ;)

Since you seemed so well-aware of this therapy, how many times you went through it?:rolleyes:

Fear is not necessarily associated with depressions. Isn't it a thrill to have a roller coaster ride, watch a horror movie, shit over the edge of the cliff:D, etc? Fear can stimulate you with varying energies.

Sorry, I'm not accepting new patients at this time.

Oh yes, perfectly understandable. You are in the line of patients.
Well, wait for your turn (Therapy won't help you anyway).

Projecting your personal failure on others isn't going to endear you to the community. What do you want here?

What projection? what failure? What endearing?

Now the interesting part:
What do you want here?
Make it a separate thread in the community.
Maybe everyone ought to answer this. And yes, the best answer wins.......well, nothing:D

Answering a question with a question(s) indicates that you've already expended your best in the way of creativity. I have no further use for you. Bye.

......as if I was answerable to you :O

Now now, wanderer. You're taunting the idyllic Sunnybrook Farm thing.

An unexamined life is not worth living. I hope you keep putting your thoughts down and sharing them. I find your writing intriguing and thoughtful.

Now, please to post moonbeams and butterflies, so that we can all be in our happy places again. :p:

:3eye:well said Shawnee :)
I never pulled out the guns in the first place anyway.

MAGICK!

I know. Tell 'em if they don't like your posts, don't read them! That's always been the advice to me, anyway. I'm not sure how far it extends. :D

I read this response earlier. My thought was that I always knew you had a good heart.

Well thank you sky. I work on steeling my heart, especially in the anonymity of the interwebz, and with the realization it took me way too many years to come to: that most people will hurt you if given the chance...and so I often go way to the other side as I try to find the middle. But, it's all me, in my complexity and in my mediocrity, and it's all honest.

We protect ourselves. We also give of ourselves, tentatively, and we find opposition and we find caring. One can't know if one is giving part of themself to a beast, until the beast rears its ugly head. For me, the beast-head needs to be destroyed. If we give to an angel, we are rewarded tenfold...and we just want to give more.

That's how I live my life anyway. As we talk about integrity I think how important that trait is to me: none of us are perfect, but I have no time nor room for liars, cheats, and thieves. Those of that kind I've let into my life have a way of sticking around far too long, because in their dishonest mind everything that happens is about them...and they manipulate me even as I hurriedly try to put up another wall. I'd rather have an honest person tell me to go fuck myself, than have a liar tell me I'm perfect. When a liar tells me to go fuck myself...well, there's that beast-head again. ;)

hey shaw.... go fuck yourself!










;)

:lol:

Fair enough!

:rolleyes:
-----------------------------------------------
When you figure out truth as it relates to peoples anonymity online let me know.

For the most part were all shooting in the dark. We all make sweeping generalizations and assumptions.

It's impossible to look into the eye of the text and know the truth about someone.

Though the lines are often blurry, blatant lies are blatant lies. I can't be sure that even my best friend isn't lying to me (right to my face IN REAL LIFE), but I can make that assumption based on my experience with that person. I assume honest until proven otherwise, then ALL bets are off. This initial assumption can be trouble. But, as I said, sometimes you find an angel of sorts. Not your winged happy little haloed angel, but an honest forthright person. This is why I don't assume dishonest and wait to be proven wrong, because of the glimpses of integrity (and because I have to try so very hard not to assume everyone is a liar, or I'll never get close to anyone.)

Yes, I assume honest. You get a clean slate starting out with me. If you're an inherently dishonest person, it'll come to surface soon enough. I'll be sad but wiser, but I can say I tried, and I can say I didn't lie about a goddam thing.

So what you just posted, though true, is exactly the generalization I was speaking about: the "poo-poo" of people who just fucking showed up and haven't even had a chance to fuck up yet. :lol:

And no, I don't mean you.

If I get a bit of wrath on ya, just wipe it off and keep moving. :p:

well I have my own personal filters to process things with. It is up to me if I like what I see or not.

Where you saw awesomeness I saw someone in a very bad place. Fear and loneliness to be exact and I would probably do something fun to get myself out of it.

No problem about your wrath. My point was not to kiss your ass but to say I think there is a good heart beneath your exterior self.:)

Case in point: You are able to talk like a rational human being with me instead of coming unhinged not that we both haven't been a little unhinged but at the time we both had a good reason I think.

SANITY ON THE CELLAR:eek:!!!?? Thats like one big WOW! :D

ok, wanderer's quiz:

1. Please State your age.

Is it?:eyebrow:
Yes, it is!:)

quick fail. nice job.

Wow. That was in one "fail" swoop. :)

BURN HIM - BAN HIM - BURN HIM - BAN HIM
BURN HIM - BAN HIM - BURN HIM - BAN HIM
BURN HIM - BAN HIM - BURN HIM - BAN HIM...


oh too early to start that? just kidding.

Let's build a bridge out of him!

:yeldead:

yeah. well...

we don't cotton adolescent wankers going through that imminently embarrassing phase you seem to be in at the moment. Trust me. In eleven months, come back and read that post, and just know that, at your age, we all wrote some stupid shit we're embarrassed by too. Accept that you're a mook like the rest of us, and cop to the fact that while these thoughts are new to you, ......they are not actually 'new.'

just breathe.

Yeah, it may be stupid. But I am not embarrassed. So much in life is shit, so it is ok to write some of it.

I don't think bruce and classic were serious.

I feel bad that your creative work was blasted in part because of my first post. I want you to know that I did take it seriously in saying do the Hubble 3D experience. Maybe it would make those elusive thoughts more concrete.

If I may offer some constructive criticism to make up for any hurt you may be feeling.

If what you wrote was in part a free style exploration and not really a dark gloomy disjointed cry for help I would re work what you wrote into a more cohesive thought.
It's not like I have not written dark and gloomy before but I would try to make one complete thought.

Maybe you can modify it. Take one sentence at a time and make one complete paragraph instead of the running free style.





You used the word enigmatic and so you are grasping for comparison yet the comparisons are sweeping in scope.This is what makes it so hard to read.

Select a setting or comparison and stick to it then make comparisons of two or three like ideas.



The settings
sands of time
petals of a tree
jungle
mouse in a trap
light bulb on a dark street
lurking shadows
dark corridors
time
eternity

the emotions
getting out
panic
love
beloved
afraid



Life that was and life that will be are like the tiny petals of a cherry tree cascading down on our dusty path.

An eternity of births and deaths we walk hand in hand. The entropy is that I am often afraid......there's no road, there's no you, there's no me.

The problem with the word entropy is that it is a closed system. I would be more clear in the use of that word as it relates to the universe and your mind which are not closed but perhaps you mean your state of mine is in decline.

I think some restructuring and some work you can express again what it is you are trying to say and I hope you do not mind my creative license I took in rearranging a couple sentences.


I will even post something dark and gloomy that I wrote so that people can mock at me too or rearrange it to make it better.:)

meaning me and this mouse I have in my pocket, naturally.


which is to say, I spoke out of turn. mooking up!

This entry is particularly morose and I wrote it after months of not being able to connect to a musician friend who 'seemed' to have time for everyone but me. It was my own personal pity party and I AM embarrassed to air my dirty laundry. It is dark and private and probably not fit for human consumption. lol
There is only one though and this is it. I am more inclined toward the sunny brook farm type these days.

I think I owe it to wanderer though.It isn't that people don't have dark times it's just that we can compartmentalize and trim it down so that it stands alone and then put it away or put it in the reject pile.


Love Lost

I sat by the great window. The silver streaks of rain and moisture painting aging lines on my reflection. I caught you looking;not at me but at the distorted image. Craigs and fissures presented in the rain sweat glass; I tried to ignore your disdain. Attempting a pretense of not noticing, although it cut me to the core; I peered more closely hoping I could find something of worth to fix my attention upon beyond the foggy gloom.
Distractedly maybe desperately, I asked you for a candle to light my small corner but you said the cost of beeswax was too expensive as you plunged a spoonful of honey into your mouth.

wtf happened to the edit button! grr :o

In reality I just said we needed to have a conversation real soon or I was just going to f'ck off.

He didn't know I was feeling badly because I was being so patient with all the schedules and what not.There is a big difference between entertaining gloom and taking the bull by the horns. No love lost.

Thanks for all that buckets of advice. Hope it will come in handy in future. Yeah, it is not any desperate cry for help but just an attempt at stating the darkness that sometimes makes me wonder (not depressing, despite what all the responses these wonderful folks have been claiming)!:p:

To get all Pollyanna all over you, when it isn't dark it is goddamn hard to see all the stars.