Oldest son reaching out
 

So long story short, my oldest son who is now 19 has not spoken to me in 4 years. He had behaviour issues, we tried to get him help, Social Services gave him more money and more freedom than we would... so he chose to keep messing up.He had friend status on facebook, but even then rarely talked with me..... in fact nothing in the past year. Yesterday we talked on the phone!

He says he is tired of being alone, realized he was a "stupid shit" and wants to fix things. I told him is he gets here legitimately, I would help him out, and be a part of his life. He says he wants to finish grade 12, and work on getting a job he can keep. He seems sincere. My hubby says of course we will help him, but is leary as am I. I can not afford to have all my stuff stolen. BUT I am not willing to let the kid go without help. Hubby says if he is smartening up, having family around will be a good thing.

I am scared and excited at the same time. Lets see what his next move is.

Good luck, jaydaan. Stay strong!

let him move in, and then STEAL HIS SHIT!

It's common for people to reflect on where they're at, and why, during the Christmas/New Year swirl. Unhappiness with the result of all that introspection, is the cause of most "New Years resolutions".

I certainly empathize with your desire(need?) to try to help, and repair your relationship, but please be careful. Not only of your worldly possessions but your mental health. Keep in mind how many "New Years resolutions" fail before the end of January.

What Bruce said, pessimistically he may be preying upon the goodwill of the season. Hopefully he realized the errors of his ways and is genuine in his desire to right his wrongs. Perhaps a written agreement would be a good start. That way there won't be issues with forgetfulness later. Also, everyone will know what their respective responsibilities are/will be and the ramifications if they are not met - on both sides. Good Luck!

Reaching out like that takes a great deal of courage. Or desperation. Sometimes they do grow up.

If he's a junkie or addicted, I wouldn't let him in the house until he was clean, but I'd give him assistance in that.

I asked him flat out about drugs, and he said "I do a bit of pot, but thats it mom, I swear to God"

He has been alone for a while now... and his status on facebook this morning was
"I only got 2 hours of sleep outside, cause someone screwed the plans up.... and I have so much to do today"
So making him responsible to getting here on his own seems to be a good thing so far....
I am not expecting miracles, but who knows how far this can go, now that he wants help. At least I can say I did not leave him to freeze on the streets of Calgary....

Would it be possible for him to move close but not actually in with you? That would sound like the best arrangement and the least risky emotionally.

I wish you both the best.

Absolutely, you have to do this, we understand that. We're just asking you to be careful, for the sake of the family, and your head. Go Mom! :D

yeah and Calgary is cold right now..

impossible weather !

We are planning to find him a shelter/bachelor place ASAP. This way he has his own space, and we all can heal without the stressors of living with a "stranger"

You're not only compassionate, you're smart. If it can be done, I'm sure you'll be successful, and it doesn't work, it won't be your fault. :thumb:

Well thought out. Good luck.

Change in plans... my hubby says no one should be on the streets regardless of the weather.... and if we are going to do this, use my card and pay for his ticket. He leaves at 11 tonight, and will be here at 7AM tomorrow. If all goes well he pays us back nothing.. if it goes south...... I am out $110

Best of luck to you!!!

Kids fuck up, but I believe you should always leave a back door open in your house and your heart for your child. No ultimatums.

Here's a story: When BD#2 was 14, she walked out the door one day and didn't come back. I had no word from her for something like a year, and even the cops told me she was likely dead. She'd had behavior problems, and we did everything we could to try to help or cope; we thought things were better, but it wasn't enough for her.

She finally did contact me, but she was so angry at the world for so long. I made a deliberate decision not to be angry, resentful, or defensive, and to encourage any and all contact she wanted to make. I made some extraordinary concessions, and today I'm glad I did. Eventually, we did get her back, but it's been a long road for her (and she's still on it). But after growing up some, we have her back in our lives with good relationships.

So I hope your son can come back to you. There may be some bumps on the road, but don't give up hope. Treat him as gently as you can.

Not that you need or have asked for my advice, Jay, but just take things slowly when he comes home and keep your eyes open. Ultimately, listen to your gut feeling about things and don't be afraid to act on them. Good luck! I really hope all goes well for all of you!

There are times when you can't take that risk. My bro's a violent, drug using thug. I would never encourage my mother to let him back into her life, in any way. Yeah, it's awful to say that, but it's the truth. :greenface

Jay, I hope things work out for you and your son. But please be careful.

Sounds like he's not in that category, Pie, but the caution is good advice.

Jaydaan, Once he gets his shit together a little, he may decide he just can't live under your roof/rules... or you may come to that conclusion. But he can leave at that point without severing the line of communication. That's the ultimate goal, I think, to maintain communication without hostility. You're doing the right thing. :thumb:

Shit, Pie. That's too bad about your brother. I can't imagine having to deal with that.

I hear that. I can conceive of situations where I could stop loving my child (if they were a murderer or something), and I understand the need to protect oneself. but I remain optimistic!

It's okay. Aside from bad memories, we deal with it by ignoring it. :headshake

So far so good. Since I hurt myself I have needed to have someone work with me because I can not lift anything. The shifts I worked, without a staff member my kid came with me and did all the lifting. I was able to put him on an as casual, so not technically on the payroll, but at least he was able to work for 3 days. It has given him some self esteem as well as $$ for room and board and personal cash. He even went with me to do inventory last night, we gave him a choice to go or not. His comment was " I really don't want to count all that stuff, but if its going to pay me for 7 hours, then I will go with you" That is a good sign he realizes he needs to help out.

That is a great sign of impending maturity. Keep up the good work!

Well it's a sign that he knows he needs cash..... :lol:

good luck

Knowing he needs cash is a big step toward buckling down to get it. :thumbsup: The next step is to accept when he has cash, he'd best work on getting more before what he has runs out. Sounds simple and logical, but the people I've known that just couldn't seem to get along in society, all had that problem. When they had some cash, they didn't worry about how they would get more, until the needed it. Then they needed it right now, which led to dicey and dangerous stunts for quick cash.

Oh so true. I've seen that myself. That he's willing to work to get the money, when the option is presented, is a good sign.

be aware though that total change is difficult and seldom happens in one fell swoop. More likely it will be two steps forwards and one step back. Don;t be too disheartened by that one step back. It's still progress.

Oh I have no illusions this will be an easy fix. I expect slip ups, I expect some failures.... but I am hoping it will be all little things that we can deal with one thing at a time. Instead of like before when the snowball kept getting bigger and bigger. We are hoping that because he *has* hit rock bottom, he will never want to be there again. That and knowing we kicked him out before, and can do so again might help too. It will devastate me, but... I can do it.

We are hoping to get him the help he needs to get a place near us, introduce him to some people who will be there for him and won't get him into trouble and get his self esteem up to the point where he likes himself. This week we are simply getting used to the house rules (we all sat down and discussed what they were, and how to go about them) Tomorrow we will go about getting his application for health care (second piece of ID) an appointment for Social services (help pay for room and board (maybe) and then we will go from there.

You're doin your best hon. That's as good as it gets.

And hopefully realizes the people he thought were cool, and had found a better way, aren't and didn't. Then there's no temptation to seek out the same sort of friends.

Sounds to me like you've got just the right (and unusual) balance of smart and compassionate. :notworthy

I really hope it works out for you and your son Jaydaan. It really sucks when you have a kid that disappears and refuses to communicate with you.

I agree... compassion and brains have you.

Well, so far so good. He is healthy, eating, and gaining a bit of weight. He is helping out around the house and has not had any temper issues or drug re-lapses so far. Now to get him working so he can pay room and board, and have some spending money for himself.
He is liking my best freind's boyfreind, so they are hanging out together a few hours a week. (they are close to his age, my best freind is 16 years younger than me) The boyfreind is a hard worker with a steady job he has had for 4 years, and has good freinds and influences around him. It was a great thing when they started becoming freinds.
hopefully things will just get better as time goes on.

That's great, Jaydaan! Keep up the good work.

progress, not perfection. yay!

Good point, Cloud. Even if future bumps in the road happen, Jaydaan can now be pretty sure they are bumps and not failure.

I am happy for you all Jaydaan.

Not perfection... but no serious issues either. That might change once he meets more people, so far he only knows people we know and/or work with, and a few freinds of my best freind's boyfreind. We made sure the first few months he was out and about with us lots. We took him to our hotel xmas party in Jan, he was able to meet several people his own age there. He has gone to a few parties with us, again with mixed ages and hung out with some his own age there too. For the most part he is a quiet person who mostly likes to be alone. When he does socialize he has picked good people to do it with. Once his care card comes in, and he can then go get picture id, he will be able to go out even more. Right now he cannot go into any pub/bar/club etc. He has been invited to a wine festival, our weekly pool league and a UFC pay-per-view that he has had to decline because of no id. That is also stopping him from getting a job in any place that serves alcohol..... so he can't even get a job as a food runner in a pub without id. Quite frustrating.

Keeping my fingers crossed for you all!

Sounds like things are on the right track. Wonderful to hear.

So, its been almost a year, 2 weeks off of a year, actually. How are we doing? well... He is healthy, he has gained a bit of weight, still skinny. He is moody, and does the SIIIGGHHHHSSSS when we ask him too many questions. He spend most of his time in his room. He smokes pot, but does not do hard drugs, in fact has told a freind of his if the freind did E again, he would not hang out with him anymore. He have only had on slip up with "borrowing" money from me, and that was early on.
BUT! he sometimes joins us for socializing, meals and helping out ever so slightly with chores. He is working, part time as a dishwasher, but he works hard when he is there. When I walk through work's kitchen I am told on a regular basis how good a worker he is. He wants to progress to a cook. This is a great thing!

I am looking forward to Christmas, it will be our first Christmas morning together in 7 years. Hubby is looking forward to him moving out... lol more so because of the lack of privacy, than anything else.

Was it a good thing... yes!

Great to hear, J. I'm happy for you :)

You went into this "last chance" with your eyes wide open, and without unrealistic expectations. You've maintained your determination he follow your rules, and the ability to see changes casual observers might miss.
Madam, you done fucking wonderful! :thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup:

What xob said!

I'll third that sentiment.

And just to say: in a little moment of synchronicity, I was only thinking about you and your lad this morning. Was wondering how y'all got on.