R.I.P. momwolf
 

It's over. momwolf passed away yesterday evening. She was "sleeping" (which is a euphemism for was just barely semi-conscious). It was peaceful, if you don't count the last two weeks.

siswolf did not arrive until several hours after "it" happened, which is probably for the better. I waited until after siswolf had gotten her to make the phone call to the Hospice on-call service. The nurse they sent out was a complete ditz, no apparent compassion, kept complaining about how late it was, and hit us with a very perfunctory "sorry about your loss" before going straight on to "do you have any of the narcotics left over, I have to destroy them."

Everybody else had been lovely. This will go on the comment card.

One of the duties of the hospice people is to contact the funeral home. siswolf had found one that's just down the street, and used her online time constructively (I was playing games and posting here to distract myself). They had a fairly nice website, and more importantly, a full-disclosure price list. After checking a couple other morticians around here, I found out that this is very unusual.

The ditzy nurse made the call, but was unable to provide most of the information, and that asking me questions and relaying the answers really wasn't working out all that well, so she handed me her cell phone so I could do her job for her.

Eventually two very nice guys in suits showed up at the house, apologizing for how long it had taken them due to the lateness of the hour (it really hadn't seemed all that long, but it does take guys a while to put on suits in the evening). He reassured me that he was a cousin of one of the names on their sign, and that he would take very good care of momwolf. I think there must be

siswolf wasn't able to tolerate the whole thing, so she hid out on the balcony. I joined her after I found out that they couldn't get the litter to make the turn into my mom's bedroom (unlike ambulance litters you can't make these things sit up to go around corners, people in rigor can't be repositioned, I suppose) and that they would be carrying her out.

After they left, I went into momwolf's room to take care of a few things ... mainly to strip the bed and throw everything in the wash, only to discover that they had taken the fitted and flat sheets along with her. I suspect this is done as a kindness to the grieving family because of the things that happen as part of what the hospice brochure called "the death process." If I had watched Six Feet Under I would probably know these things already.

If taking good care of momwolf includes not quite dropping her back in my front door because the other guy didn't engage the locks on the legs of the litter, well, okay, that stuff happens, I know it. And it could have been momwolf's last attempt to say "I don't want to go." And the guy was probably hoping I didn't notice that part.

The dude who talked (as opposed to the one who came along to help with the lifting) had that very typical calm and deep voice. They all have that. And they use it all the time (I had done a pre-commitment interview with someone in the funerary industry a couple of years back and he had that same calming tone.

Oh dear wolf. My heart goes out to you and your family. You were (are) such a great daughter, and person. momwolf did well in raising you.

You're in my thoughts.

Sorry to hear about that wolf. Good thoughts your way. The suffering is over.

You and your family are in my thoughts.

Hugs.

Shel

You did your best for your mom, Wolf. Take care of yourself now.

Wolf, my dear. Peace to you, your sis, your family and your mum at last. Grieve, be kind to yourself and each other, remember the good times.
You've been in my thoughts a lot, as you know, and will continue to be.

No one ever really dies where there is love. They live forever in your heart. I hope you and your family find peace in your happy memories of momwolf.

Virtual hugs and pats on the back. Peace be with you.

losing a mom is always the hardest; I don't care how sick she was, or what the relationship was. I'm sorry.

so, uh . . . jazz for the funeral?

*hugs to you* I am so sorry for your loss. It's like we know her too.

sorry about your mom, wolf....

Sorry for you and siswolf, knowing it's coming doesn't seem to help any. I am glad, however, Momwolf isn't suffering anymore.

I'm sooo sorry for your loss wolf. Hugs.

So sorry Wolf. Your compassion these many months has been beautiful. I agree with Pie, now is time to take care of yourself.

*hugs*

:hugs and prayers: to you and yours, wolf. Bless you all. Take comfort in each other. peace.

Very sorry to hear of your loss. Losing your mother is very hard. May you carry her in your heart, always.

I am very sorry to hear about your loss wolf. My thoughts are with you and your family.

I'm so sorry for your loss, wolf. :(

Just saw this thread. Condolences from the capnhowdy camp.

Thank you all so much.

I've been making a lot of calls this morning, still avoiding the calls to the momwolf's survivng siblings. She was the youngest of 9. One was stillborn, another died in infancy, and a third died in the influenza epidemic. She also had a sister who died in her teens of lukemia.

Several people have been kind of taken aback when I tell them, "No, there won't be a memorial service or a funeral. siswolf and I are doing things on our own."

I don't go into it further, since most of momwolf's friends since unclewolf and twinuncle wolf (momwolf was a fraternal twin) really won't understand why a Native American Shaman will be doing a releasing ceremony (So, in answer to the question, no Jazz, but there will probably be drumming and chanting).

One thing I learned this morning is that funeral directors will come to you, rather than making you come to them, which is good because the weather is appropriately miserable today.

He was very kind on the phone, but has already attempted to up-sell us. He should be here in half an hour or so.

We do need to figure out what sort of container we want her cremains in. I was looking at some of the options on the funeral home's website, and really am not sure. We don't want her in cardboard (too many possibilities to spill or lose her) and most of the actual urns are far too elaborate. I did get a weird laugh moment, because there was a pink cloisonné urn that was just WAY too Meet the Parents.

The funeral director didn't come to me. I had to drive clear across town.

I am so sorry, Wolf. I'm sure you're having all those mixed relief/grief/guilt feelings; been there done that. But you're much braver than I am. You did your absolute best for your mom, I'm sure she knew that, and I hope that brings you comfort.

I'm sorry to hear about momwolf. Peace to you and siswolf, it seems like y'all can work together on this which makes the process easier.
Do you have a friend who is a woodworker or a ceramics maker? If you can wait a bit, they might be able to make an appropriate container to your liking. I know my dad (woodworker) make the urn we used for my mom's biological dad and was a nice piece. Also affordable considering he had no money left and we weren't in the best position to pay for it all.

Funeral parlors are thicker than ticks on a hound, around here, and competition is pretty strong. A friend, who recently buried his Mom told me, some had a price list, take it or leave it, but most would negotiate.

Choosing an urn, do pick something they would have liked, or something to suit your taste since you're the one that will be seeing it?

I'm very sorry to hear of momwolf's passing. My condolences to you and your family.

Wow, that sucks man. I'm very sorry for your loss.

So sorry to hear it, Wolf. You truly did everything possible to ease her final weeks.

Oh wolf... I am so sorry to hear of momwolfs passing. You stayed steadfastly by her side and helped her through so much lately. May she finally rest and be at peace.

Sorry for your loss, wolf. I was wondering how you all were doing.

I found focussing on arranging my brother's funeral to reflect his personality (as far as we could) was very comforting, and meant that the service had meaning for everyone there.

This seems like a really lovely idea if it could be done.

I was sorry to see this thread's title just a moment ago. I really feel for you, wolf. You've been a very devoted daughter in these last few months leading up to this, and I'm sure even before that. You really took care of her and deserve accolades for that. I'm truly sorry for your loss.

i am truley sorry for your lots

The meeting with the funeral director went very well. They really are open to most options that family is willing to choose, mainly just suggesting what people often do.

siswolf and I did pick out a "scattering" urn, which just means that it's easier to get into. 13 or or so years ago I remember my friend's S.O. having to go at the bottom of her urn with his power drill (no, not that one, that's really gross. It was a Sear's Craftsman) to get her out so we could scatter her.

We also received a very nice suggestion that if siswolf and I go through with our plan to take some small portion of momwolf to Hawaii that we should put her in our checked baggage rather than the carry-on.

Oh, and I learned that I was not the first person to make the "Meet the Parents" comment about the pink cloisonné.

Oh, and making the notification phone calls really sucks.

Dear wolf

The news of your mom's passing is terribly sad. I wish I could offer you comfort, but all I have are these words. Not true--I grieve with you and siswolf, I can share a little of that. And you also have my friendship, you can share a lot of that.

You have but to ask. Stay in touch, wolf.

Yours,

I'm sorry to hear of your mother's passing, wolf. My feelings go out to you and your family. You know that I am but a phone call away if there is anything that I can do to help. Don't hesitate, I'll be here 24/7.

I am sorry for your loss but I think we all gained watching how you negotiated the last few months. May you be blessed as you were a blessing.

I am so very sorry. All of our thoughts and prayers are with you.

I am also sad that you were subjected to such a poor experience with the hospice worker, especially one coming at such a critical time. It sounds like someone needs retraining (or a kick in the ass).

My condolences, Wolf.

Terribly sorry about your loss. Death is sort of like a neighbor that we all have and know pretty well yet always such a shock when they show up at your door no matter how long they have been expected.

My love and condolences to you and yours, Eva.

Sorry to Hear of your Loss Wolf ,

May the relief your mom realized through release comfort you in remembrance, take care.

My deepest condolences.

Wolf, I have very much admired the way you've taken care of your mother, and the humour you've brought to what must at times have been frustrating and miserable.

Every now and then I remember your story of your Mum picking all the raisins out of the cereal because she thought you wouldn't eat it otherwise. And then scoffing them herself. It is funny, but it illustrated something I can't quite articulate about older parents and makes me feel a little sad too.

Your Mum was very lucky to have your support, love, common sense and respect while her health declined. Having had a very short dose of taking care of an elderly relative, and seeing my Mum do the same thing for the last year, I understand how strong the bonds of love are especially in difficult situations and how deep the loss must be.

I'm so sorry for you and your sister.
Much love in the time to come.

Sorry for your loss, Wolf. You have my sympathy and condolences.

Condolences to you and your family from our family, wolf. *hugs*

There's something in my eye, Eva.
She's at peace - hope you can be too.
Love, Kate

My condolences Wolf. It's always sad when one loses a loved one.

Our condolences Wolf - you are in our thoughts.

Please let me know if you need anything.

Kellie

My Condolences.

My condolences to you and your family. :sniff:

siswolf went home yesterday, so I am alone for the first time.

I haven't been able to get to some of the things I know have to be done, like the clothes sorting. I just don't feel like it.

I just got a call from the funeral home saying I could pick up the cremains and the death certificates. I'll be heading over in about an hour.

Yesterday the flowers started arriving. Now, I had bought flowers for momwolf's birthday that are still going strong, so they are +1 to this pile ... 3 flower arrangements (two from siswolf's cow orkers), one dish garden (the nuthouse always sends a dish garden), and, bless their hearts, more of siswolf's cow orkers were smart enough to figure out that we had had enough of the bloody flowers, and sent us an Edible Bouquet.

Go ahead and put off the little things, like clothes. That can wait. Finish grieving and tend to the important things first. You have been doing a fantastic job already, keep it up.

My grandmother died six yrs ago this January. I still talk to her occasionally, sometimes it really feels like she's there. I believe she is.

I didn't know her at all.
But your last post made me cry, Wolf.

Damnit.
I've got a funeral next Weds (Breda) alongside Crying-is-Weakness Woman, aka Mum. Not sure how I'll get by. I hate doing stoic when it's not how I feel.

But I'm with Brian.
I have never lost a very close relative, but those that have (even Mum) say take your time and just feel what you feel. Don't keep everything, but don't keep nothing. If you get what I mean.

Be as weak as you like. Actually, i think that expressing emotion, particularly publicly, is more of a sign of strength than holding it all in. But that's just me.

Picked up momwolf's cremains. Not sure where I want to put her, though. It's a very low-key maple box with her name and dates engraved in it. They spelled her name right, thank goodness. I suppose they triple check that.

I slid the urn open to see what I'd gotten, found a plastic bag full of momwolf,with several tags, both inside and out confirming her identity, along with a lovely brass nameplate that probably gets attached to urns where the name and dates aren't directly engraved.

Speaking from experience of the death of close family member - if there is no external reason to hurry through the next tasks do them at your own pace, Wolf. You will know when you are ready to do the next thing, and what that is.
I know my current situation is different, in that my mum is still alive, but I am pacing myself in the disposal of her effects, and glad that I am not (yet) being hurried out of the cottage we rented (and are still renting) for her. This has allowed me to do things my way - starting with things that didn't matter, given to people who would return them if, miraculously, my mother returned to normal. Only this week have I begun to do things that are irreversible - selling stuff, taking stuff to the charity shop [thrift store], throwing stuff away, packing up things which define her as a person to send away in the hope that they'll be useful in the future to others with similar interests.
Of course, with momwolf living in your flat, you have different considerations - but this is a time when you should be gentle with yourself. Listen to your heart and be guided by it. Be kind to yourself.

So sorry for your loss Wolf. You handle it the way you handle it. There's no right or wrong way. *hugs*

I'm sorry for your loss Wolf.

I'm very sad to hear about your mom, Wolf...MB and I are thinking about you, and wishing you peace and comfort.