My sis...
 

I got a text this morning at work. My sister is getting married. I'm not unhappy, I'm not happy, I am definitely worried. She's only 23 (I'm not sure his age but they're not far apart, only been dating since this summer, she's had 1 other boyfriend back in high school. Just all this stuff is going through my head. I'm afraid she's rushing into marriage because this guy seems great and for some reason she believes she's getting "old" and becoming a "spinster." To top it off she is a dedicated good little christian, if she's unhappy in this marriage she might not leave because divorce is so frowned upon.
Anyone want to tell me I'm a complete idiot for being worried and I should just be idiotically happy instead? I feel like I'm being a bad sister for not wanting this.

I don't think you're a bad sister at all. You are a good sister who is concerned about her well-being.

Sounds like all you can do is hope for the best. Who knows, it might turn out pretty good...

When you get the news, it's normal to mull over the pros and cons. Normal to consider the best case/worst case scenarios. Hopefully she's already done that, before she made the announcement.

You can discuss your fears with her, without telling her they're your fears. You know, sister to sister, just asking her reasoning for doing this, without being all negative and shit, which she might resent.

Oh yeah, and he's pre-med. Waiting for acceptance into a medical school, so if that works out they would have years of him working towards being a doctor, and then years of internship, years of paying all those bills...

The age doesn't bother me, but the fact that they've only been dating for 3 months does. Tell her she needs a looooong engagement period "to make sure the wedding is perfect," so that she has time to change her mind if that becomes necessary.

Often it is years of her paying the bills, that is a big commitment after dating him for only three months. She has a lot to consider like how sure is she that she won't be his first wife. Be careful of sister push-back but she does need a wake-up call.

I'm not entirely sure of the when they started, but 5 months by my most generous estimate.

FYI they did know each other before they began dating through church, but I think she started going to the church only a year ago. A year isn't long enough. Took me 3 to figure out my boyfriend wasn't the "one"

Additionally to what Griff said, years of separation. He is not going to be around during much of that time. I think you are right on target. If I were you I would try to support her but put a dose of reality into her decision and ask if it might be smarter to wait a year or so. And what if he doesn't get into med school? then what? What is the plan?

As they said ...perhaps to date a while through med school would be wise.

Supporting someone through med school after dating a short time I see where you are concerned mtp.

For what it's worth, yesterday I celebrated my 16th wedding anniversary. I knew my wife a month at the time. Some people in the Monterey area lost some money over that one. Who knows? O.K. so I'm going to wax a little philosophic here...would waiting for two years have made any difference to my marriage? Maybe 5 years. Love, marriage, commitment, how long does it take to figure all this out? What I think is too many people have an unhappy moment, or lack the wherewithal to follow through on their promise of commitment, and quit. Take the easy way out. I say so what if your sister knew the guy for only 5 months, if she and he are willing to commit their lives together for the long haul then it won't really matter if they marry now or in 15 years.

my $.02.

Possibly it takes longer to learn that you weren't meant to be together than to know that you were? beest and I knew pretty much straight away we met -way back 20 years ago. We did take a few years to get married, but not for any reason other than lack of urgency/effort.

I'd hesitate to interfere. People have to make their own mistakes. Maybe better to stay friends and be there for her if/when she needs you than to annoy her, maybe even helping to her into a bad decision just to "show you" and then watch on as a helpless unwanted voice if/when she needs someone.

Yeah, you definitely need to assess her ability to "hear" you if you interfere.

If you speak your mind, is there any chance at all that she will take it into consideration?

If you are wrong, and they stay together in wedded bliss, your interference will always be a dark cloud between you and your new bro-in-law. If you are right, and they are self-destructive toward each other, your interference will be an eternal silent "I told you so" between you and your sister.

I would stay out of it.

A friend of mine got to be the first wife after she left college to support him through med school and then birth his kids. He was "meant to be" with his high school sweetie who he hooked up with at their high school reunion, so I may be overly cynical about guys who find easier ways through med school. It is her life to live.

I would recommend that you give your sister your love and support. There are no rules about how long you have to know someone before you get married. If she loves him, and they want to start their life together....

what troubles you about it? Is he an asshole or something?

Well went to dinner with my parents, his parents and them last night. I was not excited, made me sick to my stomach hearing them talk about being engaged, so I ignored all such talk. I can't be dishonest and tell her I'm happy when I not. I shouldn't lie to her either. I fought with my parents all the way back to my car because they won't inject the least bit of caution into the situation, they're not evaluating it AT ALL. They tell me what the fuck to do all the time and warn me of the dangers about moving too fast in a relationship, but its OK for their other daughter to marry a guy after only 4years of dating just because its "christian" relationship? Idiots. I don't want the to be against it, I'm not really against it, I just think there should be more caution.

Um.

Not a christian here. Hardline athiest, to be specific.
I married my husband when I was 23. After 5 years of dating.

We've never had a reason to regret it.

Just sayin'.

Live and let live - perhaps there is something in that for all concerned.

I pretty much knew before the end of the first week of dating that I wanted to marry my wife. We got engaged about as quickly as your sister, but we kept it to ourselves. We didn't announce it for another several months, and then took a little over a year to plan the wedding. Not because we weren't sure, but because of scheduling conflicts with other big family events. That was 16 years ago, and we're still going strong.

My point is that it's possible to just know, and you don't need a bunch of time to figure it out.

I'm not saying that this is your sister's situation, just that it's possible.

You don't have to be happy about their decision, but you can, maybe, be happy that she is happy. Sure there will likely remain that little warning voice in the back of your mind shouting 'Danger, Danger', but there is always danger. She could spend three years dating a guy and then marry him and discover he's not quite the man she thought he was. It happens. There are no guarantees for good or ill. She may have met a guy who is her soulmate and thus feels no need to wait. She may be rushing in like a fool, blinded by immediate feelings. In either case, she could be wrong or right. Some of the seemingly worst matches outlast the ones that appear made in heaven.

And seriously, Moar, don't take this the wrong way, but how your parents are with you and how they are with her is irrelevant to this. It may or may not be fair that they feel you need dire warnings and greater levels of oversight in such matters. They may well feel that attempts to inject caution in this situation could be deemed a negative response and not want to spoil her happiness. If she's sure enough to want to marry, she's highly unlikely to take such warnings well or to heart.

Worrying for you, I realise. But there's nowt you can do about it m'dear. Just be happy that she's happy and reserve your opinion of the decision that she's taken.

Sisters 23? Still not married? I was 24 when I married my wife. We dated for about a year before we decided to get hitched. We actually had people betting it wouldn't last (we were both partiers). Hell, 28 years later we're still together and most of them have already been divorced and remarried.

All I can really say is...

...if your sister and her boyfriend really want to get married there is nothing you can say that will talk her out of it. If they do get married then the marriage will last as long as both of them want it to last.

But, you know your sister better than anyone here and all I can honestly say is...

...whatever decision they make, I wish them the best... and you too.

Is she hot?

My open disapproval of my now BIL, when he first started dating my sister was the first big crack in our until then fairly reasonable relationship. He was an office romance, who split with his fiancee to date my sister. They were living together within a couple of months - she's a practising Catholic, but some things were quite flexible when she was 19!

They got engaged the day they moved in and started saving for the wedding immediately. She got pregnant on her honeymoon.

And they're still together. Still happy as far as I can tell. He's a wonderful father. Not my cup of tea, and I think he's made her very insular, but that's not for me to comment.

You won't change her mind MTP. No-one changed mine when I got married even though it was definitely for all the wrong reasons, and I resented those conversations. By all means speak mild caution. By be clear that you love her and want her to be happy. And if it goes tits-up, which I really hope it won't, you can be there to help her through that too.

Dazza and I were engaged after only about 6 months being together and married 6 months later.

I knew we'd be together long term the first time we met. So did he.

Sometimes that's just the way it happens. I wouldn't have listened if someone tried to warn me off or suggest I was doing the wrong thing because I knew it was the right thing for me at the time. Most likely your sis feels the same way MTP, rightly or wrongly.

If she did listen to you though, what would you really want her to do? Just prolong the engagement? Just note that you have concerns?

In my experience, I told you so's are pointless when relationships break up, so just try and put things in such a way that she doesn't feel like you're setting the scene for that sort of conversation in the future. That's about the best advice I have other than what's already been said.

I'm not as upset with her at this point as I am my parents. I'm not really upset with her at all, for her I'm worried.
All I want is for the negative consequences to be takin into serious consideration. Yes, they should possibly prolong the engagement. If its the right person, then why would a bit extra time to confirm that "feeling" really cause harm? No they should take some extra time to be sure they have the same goals (i.e. # kids, social status, ect). Sure they might not have complete control over those things, but its wouldn't it be best if they agreed and knew what the other had in mind? There are a ton of things couples will forget to consider in the rush to get married. If nothing else they could take some relationship classes before hand. I don't give a fuck if she just "knows" or has the right "feeling." Those aren't logical enough reasons to get yourself into such a difficult situation to get out of. Financially as well as emotionally. The majority of those who have gotten divorced or just are unhappily married, most likely thought it felt absolute right when they decided to marry also.

If my sister tried to interfere in my decision to get married I'd be pissed as all hell.

It's irrational and illogical to be this bent out of shape about it, imo. Do you have a therapist you can talk to? I suspsect your distress at your sister's impending nuptuals is a side-effect of something else that is bothering you. It's clearly having a big effect on your personal happiness so I think you should maybe concentrate on that. Just my 0.00000002c worth

oh so I guess I'm just not supposed to worry about my family

That's your call. From here this looks like more than "worrying'. But I'm not in your shoes and I don't know your sister or parents. But i worry about you -and see how pissed off you are about my mentioning it?

Worry is one thing. You want people to consider and act on your perspective of someone else's relationship, which, right or wrong, isn't relevant.

Support your sis, be happy for her, this isn't about you.

I'm not trying to make it about me.
I am happy for her, but I can't be stupidly happy. I recognize there are good questions that need to be asked, and my parents are being absolutely blind about the whole thing. I would expect her to give me the same reality check in said situation, and she has, I've never resented her for it. I know she questions my decisions because she wants to make sure I'm looking at all sides of it. We've disagreed, but again, I know she questions because she loves me, its the same situation back. We have a more dynamic relationship than other people seem to understand, we're friends, not just family.

Clearly I am not the person to tell anyone about engagements, but my two cents is to be clear to her about your concerns, advise her to consider a long engagement, and let her know that you'll watch her back whether things go good or bad.

But you're always upset with your parents. :haha:

Incorrect.

Be happy for your sister, dance at her wedding and eat cake! What you think unfortunately is irrelevant in this situation and making a stink about it is the wrong way to go! My sister married an asshole, I knew she was going to marry an asshole but nothing I could have or would have said would deter her. Its not even worth telling them "I told you so" years later when they divorce [because he was an asshole] Don't hurt your sister's feelings, you will regret it the rest of your life. Be happy for her!

So I guess I'll update:
I told her my fears, she listened, like she always does, and we worked shit out, like we usually do. The wedding is March 13, so f*ing soon and I need to get on the ball about losing weight. I promise I'll still be...voluptuous though.
I will be her maiden of honor, so I also have to get on the ball about getting her wedding shower, and hopefully a surprise bachelorette party arranged. If anyone has helpful hints I would appreciate them by the way (remember she is the opposite temperament of me).

There will be NO dancing at the wedding. Thank you baby Jesus, because I've never really danced in my life and am not planning of making a public show of myself anytime soon.

Oh, and I'm still annoyed as fuck with my parents, more because of their now "healthy chocolate business" which sounds like a load of BS, but they will not quit trying to push the nasty crapp on me.

Healthy chocolate? As in carob, or something even more evil?

killing you with love?

Healthy chocolate.

The higher the percentage of cacao, the better it is for you. So Hershey's milk chocolate isn't the good stuff...

Does anyone think that Hershey's chocolate is the good stuff? Might as well eat wax.

MoreThan, I'm happy you've squared things with your sister, and despite what you think about her wedding you are rising above it to give her what she wants.
I wish like anything I had such an open and honest relationship with mine - I never told her what I felt about her husband to be, it was all unsaid and she resented me. And has ever since, really. We lost open communication around that time anyway, but I'm pretty sure she just found me intolerable after a certain age.

Of course you can dance, darling.
And if you don't know so now you have it to look forward to.
All you have to do is not to care. I hated it til I was about 23, have loved it ever since.

I'm afraid the things you've asked advice on are American traditions, so I can't help much.
One thing I found worked, and might do for your "bachelorette party" (we say hen night, but that is a very different thing!) is to go around the table or group and ask everyone to say something positive about your sister. If it's not a sit down meal, then maybe ask for slips to be filled in prior to arrival (anonymous if necessary) which will be read out at the party. It's a lovely thing for a bride to hear a stream of positive comments.

Otherwise - games, games, games. No idea what this party is s'posed to be like, but I know any group of people unknown to eachother need ice-breakers. If you're intested I have a stack (from sales conferences) or you can find them on-line. Even a game of Consequences can get people going.

Keep smiling, chick. I know you're concerned, but you love her and ideally this will owrk out as the best day of her life.

I know dark chocolate can actually be good for you, but to my parents the brand of chocolate they're selling is better than everything else and its the cure for all ailments. That is why its just BS.
It wouldn't be so annoying if they didn't get mad at me for not eating it. It really does taste disgusting too though.

I don't know what the American tradition is really either. I didn't even know there was a difference between a bachelorette party and the wedding shower!
The bachelorette party (if we can pull it off) will probably be just the female half of the wedding party and we'll go to a spa, get some primping, ect. Nothing wild like strippers or drinking.
Those are great ideas for the wedding shower Sundae. Thank you so much for suggesting the ice-breaking games, I don't know most of her other friends, so it will be good to get to know them. I am interested in the games you have if you don't mind emailing them or something? I'll PM you e-mail.
I also love the "tell her something positive" idea too.
*Hugs* SG

I'm sorry about your situation with your own sister. That can be depressing. I would suggest its not too late to have a heart to heart with her. That you tell her you want to get past the resentment and have an open relationship. Its not too late until one of you dies.
At least if she turns you away, you'll know you did your best and the issue is her hangup, not hers.

No, my sister is very closed.
The last heart-to-heart we had was when I broke down and told her I might be leaving my husband. Her first question was, "Where does that leave Samuel?" as my husband was his Godfather.

That was 10 years ago, and apart from the HUGE family row we had on the eve of my brother's wedding, we've only communicated superficially ever since. Mum smoothed that one over because of the need for us to be united the next day, but I did manage to get in a few home truths. Talk about burning my bridges. I have a rotten temper.

Anyway - yes!
Please feel free to PM me your email, or we can start a new thread?
There must be plenty of people here who know ice-breaking games.

In fact why not start a new thread generally entitled Help Needed for Wedding Shower - it might draw some irregular posters out of the woodwork? And there's nothing Dwellars like more than a chance to impart wisdom :)

You're doing great btw.
Keep smiling.

Heh. I was just debating this topic about how it may be "too soon" to ask young adults to make major life decisions about who they want to settle down with within the perspective of adult development. Judging from the way this thread is working out...Wrong again. oooh snap!