What would you do?
 

My husband had a work emergency yesterday afternoon, which does happen on a fairly regular basis. He was gone for about an hour and a half, but then some awkward behavior afterward, plus timing with other events left me with a funny feeling about the whole thing. I checked his phone while he was sleeping, and found a placed call just after he left to a person who has nothing to do with work. While in general he might have reason to call this woman, I can't think of any reason why he would have needed to right then. What I was really looking for was a text message history, but I couldn't find it anywhere (it's a blackberry, if anyone knows of a hidden menu somewhere, but I suspect he just doesn't keep the logs.)

Here's the thing, he did cheat on me before, about 8 years ago before we were married. That situation was a whole lot more complicated than simple lust, we went to counseling, we hammered everything out, and obviously I thought it was truly all in the past or I never would have married him. But the alarms can never truly go all the way back down to green, can they?

Do I pursue this path? There's no way to ask him about it without admitting I was digging through his phone, so even if he comes up with a good answer the conversation is going to be unpleasant. But the real problem is, I don't know if I want to know. I am in no position for the marriage to end, not emotionally, not financially, not in any way. I don't care what the truth is, if this path leads to divorce I am not interested. On the other hand, ignoring this may allow things to become more involved, which could lead to the destruction of the relationship in itself.

WTF do I do? Wait for more suspicious behavior so I have a better reason to bring it up? Forget I saw anything? Ask him flat out, and tell him I have a right to snoop through his phone anytime I want because I'm his wife? I'm really pretty sure he's not looking to leave, but if I force it out in the open will there be no other choice in the long run? This is killing me.

So, you're saying that even if he IS cheating, you still want to be with him?

If that is really true, then you could confront him and explain that position. And then insist that if he is going to be out there doing that, that he be extra careful about protection, and not to be surprised if you get some strange of your own.

festering suspicion can't be the right way to go

If I didn't trust someone enough not to snoop through their personal data I would have already been gone. Long gone. Just sayin'

When you have children the equation changes. Just sayin'.

indeed it does.

i can totally see how you'd need to remain in the relationship. especially if you've taken the risk of being the dependent partner and care giver. I don't think most people appreciate the risk a person takes when they are dependent in such a permanent way. Time goes by and all the while, you're not developing a career....and if you suddenly find yourself having to provide for yourself and your kids...... The child support and/or spousal support will not typically be sufficient for you to maintain anything like your current lifestyle.

Better to work things out openly and honestly, and try to rise above bumps in the road like this one. take the long view, but don't be a doormat about it.

I would take a wait and see attitude. You only have suspicions based on very flimsy evidence right now.

Sure...and tell him he's free to look through your stuff, too.

I agree, open and honest is the way to go. Let him know that the circumstances around his work emergencies made you feel weird, which led you to feel uneasy enough to look through his phone calls.

I think that's very well put.

Really, anon, you're the only one here who knows your hubby and therefore you're the one most likely to be able to predict his response if you confront him. I think Jim's advice about getting in the open and basically saying if he's going to do that, do it safely is worthy of consideration. Again though it depends on how he's likely to respond and how able you feel to raise it in a productive, rather than just confrontational way.

If I were in your position, I'd bring the subject up very plainly. If you've been through counselling etc, then surely he must have some understanding of how your mind and emotions work if not just from being married to you for that length of time. Simply say you were suspicious, so you snooped. Big deal. If he's got nothing to hide he surely will understand. If he does, well, only you can know what to do from there.

I wish you well. It's a horrible feeling when you suspect your spouse of cheating.

I agree with Jim and blue.

I agree...

Just my two cents, but I tend to take the honesty is the best policy route... and considering your stance which I understand fully being wholly supported by my husband...

Rather than accusing him of infidelity without any supporting evidence ...admit you tried to quell your suspicious feeling without confronting him as perhaps you should have and snooped... Ask him to forgive you for nosing through his stuff and let him know he is free to look through yours. Acknowledge that you've felt he was pulling away for a bit now and ask if he would be willing to see a counselor with you to help you both get your relationship back on tract. Let him know you love him and if he has been unfaithful you would like him to end it and you do want to work through it... that your marriage is important and you will do whatever it takes to salvage it.

Personally, I believe if you have nothing to hide there should be no issue with someone peaking through your stuff, but I know some people really don't like that. It doesn't bother me... I ferret through Flint's wallet and work bag all the time ...I'm mostly looking for coffee mugs that need washing, paperwork I need to fill out, or receipts (he holds on to them till the ink wears off which renders them useless come tax time... so I occasionally pull them out myself)... but sometimes.. I come across a note he wrote himself ... these are deep down what I hope to find... he writes down thoughts and ideas which are usually pretty interesting. I find them everywhere and have collected his little papers for years so they don't end up in the trash... I guess that's why I joined the Cellar... it’s like a big pile of his notes... but with anonymous responses.

But I digress... this is not about me, but you Anon... all I can say is what I'd do if it was me, but you know what your heart can handle and what it can't better than any of us here. One thing I do know is that lack of communication will cause even a faithful relationship to go awry... and if you aren't truthful... you'll never find a place where you can trust eachother again.

Wow...lumberjim has an understanding of these woman's matters that can only be attained by wearing a bra and panties.

And the understanding that you have for my understanding of these women's matters can only be attained by wearing what?...a ball gag and a butt plug?

:rotflol:

I agree with the captain..If trust goes whats the point?

The "point" is, what do you do? You can't just close a marriage like a bad book. This isn't a high school romance that you can just walk away from, it's a working arrangement that must work or be replaced with something else that works. Kids can't be unborn and they need food & shelter.

What a tough spot you're in.

First, you can't un-discover what you found. The suspicion is there now, and the suspicion will grow whether you feed it or not. Soon, it will start to become the filter by which you judge every action. You'll see suspicious behavior where there may be none, and you'll start to change your emotional relationship in exactly the same way you would if you knew he was cheating.

But ... once you make that accusation, it can never be unmade. If you're wrong, he will feel like you have lost all respect for him, all trust, and he will start to withdraw from the relationship. What a horrible thing it would be to make the accusation and be wrong; I think it would have almost the same consequences as an actual affair.

I have no idea what I would do. I know what I would want to do - jump back in time and never check the cell phone. But here, now, in this situation, I have no idea, only sympathy.

Heck, if you could go back in time, everyone could get unmarried and unprocreate.

Does Anon have anything to say about what has been posted in the last 6 days?

i think maybe anon has his or her closure, and isn't too worried about everyone else having theirs. which is as it should be.

I am with Ali on this. Bring it up very matter of factly. See what plays out. You say you are not interested in divorce but are you really willing to share your husband with another woman? Well plenty of people do, I am just asking. What I mean is plenty of people go through life knowing their spouses are cheating and just go with it. I am not sure I could do that but it happens. I say if you wait it will fester, inside you and inside whatever relationship he is having. Just my 2 cents.

The point of having kids is to make them happy...when a marriage fails and all is miserable and you can cut the air with a knife that doesn't make for happy families.
Maybe i should have pointed out that had my spouse to be cheated on me before we even got to the alter, there really is no point in my eyes, how could they truly love only me for the next 50yrs. Yeah he'd stay happy for a few years but leopards cant change their spots. The warning bells would have peeling for me long before I ever got to the alter. Yes kids are unfortunately the inocent ones in all of our messed up adult crap and no can't be reborn. But if nothing else they should be looked upon as a blessing by both parents be they together or seperated. Hopefully it's all innocent for the family's sake.
Sometimes the best for all concerned is to part.

Make whom happy, the kids? The parents?
If the kids, and/or parents, can be happy that's lovely. But the duty of the parents is to make sure the kids survive, and are taught how to survive on their own when they grow up.

People don't always cheat for the same reasons, and often, cheating in itself is not really the reason for the infidelity. That's why counselling can be so helpful in patching a relationship up after the fact. Sure there are people out there who just like the thrill of it all. Maybe they should take up an extreme sport instead.

The father of my two oldest boys cheated on me when I was 7 months pregnant with the first son. In hindsight, I should have left him then, but I didn't. I'm glad I stayed because I was then blessed with my next son and I just can't imagine life without him. Kids are often the result of a relationship, but they shouldn't be a reason for having one. On the flip side of that, I will say that I think if kids are involved, the parents should explore all avenues before deciding to call it quits. It's always going to be preferable to live together as a family unit.

Well that's when it comes to the parents being adults an insuring that the kids get that chance to be happy..i know plenty of well adjusted kids with divorced parents. And just as a many adults that have parents who divorced when they were young.Again it comes back to us adults being adults about it all. What's the point of making it ugly...if its done its done...Think of the kids i say:right:

That is utter BS. The responsibility of having kids is to make them contributing members of society who can stand on their own 2 feet without support and hopefully do something more than work at Starbucks. It is not to make them happy or become their best friends. In the end if you can do that it is a bonus. Hopefully they will become happy adults because of how you raised them. There are no promises that can or should happen.

+1

I am of the opinion that a happy, fulfilled person is a better parent than an unhappy, miserable person whose sole adult purpose is to raise their children.

Staying in an unloving relationship for the sake of the kids, not making time to pursue one's own goals, and neglecting one's personal well being is not a healthy example and role model for one's children.

Also outstanding.

Do you mean to say that you think parents have more than one responsibility to their children???

What a thoughts!

I mean to say that as I read the thread, I came across xoB's post and I applauded it. Later, I read mercy's post, and I applaud that one too. Both men express the same idea, that the highest duty a parent owes his children is to prepare them well to live independently, a belief I share. Because I had posted my enthusiastic agreement to xoB's post before I'd read mercy's post, I felt it, too, deserved to be acknowledged.

It is most important to raise them well, happiness is *relatively* incidental.

A happy child that becomes a happy adult is probably more likely to survive and be a contributing member of society. Should they just taught to be mindless zombies who do their work without any complaints? Thats what I'm getting from Merc, XO, and V...

Adults who are parents have a right to pursue a happy fulfilled life and have an obligation to. If you give up on your dreams/happiness, what kind of example does that set for your child? If you think you can hide your unhappiness, most likely not.

Look around you... there are millions of parents that did their best to make themselves and their children happy. When the economy tanked and the bill came due, their losing their house, car, future, etc.

Do you think they taught their children well?

Who's the better parent, the one who is getting verbal daggers for not letting their kid do what makes them happy, or the parent putting out an Amber Alert?

being self sufficient, by my definition, is a prerequisite to happiness. If your goal is for your kids to grow up to be healthy, happy adults.....one must assume the basics like those bruce and merc mention. aim high!

That was not my intent. A happy child is good. We should strive to make those that we love the most to be happy... when we can. But there are limits. And those limits include duties that we have as parents to mold children into functioning adults as freestanding members of society. And I do not believe that you can be a sucessful parent if everything you do is guided by trying to keep your children happy. You are not there to be their best friends. As I said before, if you get that in the end good on you. But it should never guide how you parent. Anyone who has been a parent knows this.

ditto.

I think we're arguing about the definition of happy. To me, a happy kid and a spoiled kid are two very different things.

I agree glatt, and I'll add that of course we all know that a new toy or whatever will bring momentary happiness based on a reaction to someone else's input ie the parent giving the child a gift. We all know that true happiness, that sense of contentment and faith in oneself is something else entirely, and is in my opinion as a parent, one of the big challenges of raising kids. Helping them understand that their happiness comes from themselves, not from what others do for them. Receiving a gift sort of happiness is more akin to gratitude and appreciation, which are also good traits in any adult and must be learned as a child.

And V, my intention with my previous post was to point out that there's more than one requirement in being a parent. That to bring up your kids well you need to consider both points Merc and Bruce made, just as you said. I was agreeing with your perspective.