My friend with breast cancer
 

So, I figured I'd taken up enough of the what's making you miserable/unhappy/completely fucking mad right now thread.... but I'm not done talking about this, especially as she wants to keep it on the QT until she needs people to know and can only deal with it at little at a time, whereas I'm a head-on gung-ho type person. Like her husband. He's all "ok monday we get the final treatment plan, tuesday you start chemo". I'd be like like too, but she needs me to be "on her side". so that's where I am. (I'm great friends with her hubby too, no conflict there, but It's my job to be supportive of her decisions, unless i think they're totally insane). It's also my job to provide the comedic relief, apparently ;)

so it's confirmed. My best friend has breast cancer. The good news it it's the most common type with many potential treatments. the bad news is that it's fast, invasive and already in the lymph nodes. So it's chemo for sure. we think that makes it stage 3, but that will be confirmed Monday.

So today we went to pick up an information packet from the hospital, and get more stuff from the library there (more about that later)

her Gynie is a good friend and pretty highly placed at the hsopital, and also a breast cancer survivor, so she's been a great source of who to see what to expect, what to ask etc So today's advice was, when you go on Monday, they'll first make you watch a video with all the other newly diagnosed women. You don't want to do this. ask for a private screening or to borrow the tape. So she did, and that's what we did when we got there.

half an hour of a blonde doctor with a terrible squint, many survivors with 80s hair and eyeglasses and boobs without nipples. and one sudden shot of a removed tumor being disected. it was green and looked like a small brain. It's definitely not something you'd want to "share' with a group of random women because our reactions would probably not be the same as everyones -possibly offensive to some, and I think it was a stress reliever to feel free to be bitchy about the presentation and hairstyles/whatever, but she would not have been able to do that in a stranger group setting.

Not terribly comforting that in such a state of the art hospital, the video they show about breast cancer treatment was made in the 80s and played on VHS. They talked about the ports for chemo like they were a rare state-of-the-art treat that you might be lucky enough to get...

anyway, then we visted the library which had a wealth of resources, many free, and we were really quite impressed both by the empathy and knowledge of the librarian. Then she reverently presented my friend with a pale pink box decorated with the pink ribbon logo and the words "Memory Maker". inside was a "Cancer Awareness bracelet" it's a silver colored "charm" bracelet with bling-sized links, with three charms designed to hold 6 photos of people, two heart charms that say 'hope' and 'strength" and a pink ribbon charm. A little sticker tells us that this is intended for sale to raise money for the cause, but come one..... initial reactions....? (1) Congratulations! you now officialy have breast cancer! here's your membership badge! (2) You're gonna die, you'll need something like this to make it all the more poignant (3) Nobody cared enough to buy all of these, so we thought, hey, why not give them to the poor bitches who get it? I'm sure whoever started this meant well, but sometimes, jeeze....

I will post a picture. why do i have it? because, much as we tried to accidentally leave it behind, we failed (didn't really want to hurt the Librarian's feelings by refusing it). so now i'm charged with the task of altering it artistically in some way that will make my friend laugh... :rolleyes: :lol: We all know that's the best medicine, and then the bracelet will not have been manufactured for nothing

That's all for today.

here's the bracelet

You're a good friend Monnie.


Oh and let me be the first to add:
Fuck Cancer!

:( I want to be a good friend, i try, but she asked me not to talk about it and I am doing, albeit on the internet anonymouslyish :( I did tell her that I'd mentioned it here, though, , and she didn't seem overly pissed off, but still....I wish i was strong enough to say nothing at all (but i'm not, so i'm going to keep on going, I think I can help her best if i'm not bottling up....).

I say you add enough charms to make it say "Fuck Cancer!" That seems to be the dominant theme here.

Hugs to you. Stay strong.

It's good that she has someone to trust. I know you will do a great job of supporting her when she needs it and kicking her in the ass when she needs it.

You are not letting her down by talking here. You are not being anything less than her good friend by seeking emotional/psychic support for your part in this. None of us know her. She knows none of us. We come free. What she doesn't want, clearly, is for anybody she knows, or is connected to her finding out until she is ready to tell them. We don't count.

That bracelet is horrible! I think that's possibly the most morbid thing I've seen in a long time....well-meaning I know but still..:P

I think Pie's idea is stunning. Is there any way you could ....oh....what about using fimo to make the letters and hanging them instead of the charms? Then it would read FUCK CANCER and she could wear it proudly to the clinic.


I don't know what else to say. This must be really hard, Monnie. We're here when you need to vent. Safely and repercussion free. *hugs*

I've just decided to make her something ceramic tomorrow and use it to create texture

The Bracelet: Attempt 1
 

let me know what you think...

Oh that's lovely Mon!

What Dana said. Oh, and by the way, FUCK CANCER!

:lol: you guys rock. I think I'm ready to be ready now, thanks

had some horrible nighmares last night, though

cancer: FUCK IT.

You did that, Bri. :D

Fuck Cancer.
Waaaay too many personal ties here - All I can say is thank you for being a supportive friend. It means a helluva lot.
And you go with your bad self Bri!!!

Fuck cancer!

Oh, and theat Memory bracelet is seriously creepy. Yours is a beaut Moni.
Did I mention Fuck Cancer?

it's chemo with definite hair loss followed by a single and possibly double mastectomy. And before all that, another major biopsy and a battery of stinking awful tests. Poor thing. I feel so bad for her. and me. And all of us.

F F F F F

My mom's BF is having mastectomy tomorrow, followed by chemo and radation thereafter.
F.C.

Just dropping in to say FUCK cancer!

Been there. Done it. I have a very close friend in hospice care now. He will be dead by next week. In Jan we were sitting in a bar watching the races. My sister died of breast cancer when she was in her early 30's. My MIL died last year. Still no cure.

Hang in there. Sending you good thoughts for your friend and her family.

You know what it is about cancer?


it can just go FUCK ITSELF.

My mother has had two masectomies and three melanomas.

My Mom is still here. The cancer ain't.

Anything stupid enough to mess with Mother Beestie deserves every last ounce of unholy asswhoopin she gave it. You hear that yelping sound fading in the distance? That's cancer.

CANCER -- fucked

Bone marrow -- failed
Kidneys -- failed
Liver -- failed
Lungs -- failed
Heart -- failed

T'was the rest of the list that killed my dad.

so the chemo starts tomorrow, followed by the zillion anti-nausea drugs. She's come a long way since the diagnosis. she's stronger and more ready than she knows to fight this demon. We just spent a couple of hours having coffee, shooting the shit, coming up with creative ways to have fun with cancer.... apparently cancer is like porn to medical professionals -they can't help themselves they all want a feel. She went to her Family Doctor about something else -after she's been through all of the screenings in prep for the chemo- and he's all "well while you're here I'll just listen to your heart and lungs to check everything is still fine" .....well okaaaaaay if you really feel it's necessary ..."oh and now that I'm in your chest area, I might as well have a feel of the lump...... WTF for? weirdo. time for a new doc....

it's a horrible waiting game -not just for the chemo appt tomorrow, but this is a fast course and it still takes 4 months... and then there's the whole surgery beast....

It's not even my cancer, my drama, but I feel the need to share, so thanks for being there, guys.

We're looking into "no, you cannot feel my tumor" shirts as and alternative to the "fuck cancer" ones. :lol:

I like that idea, Monnie! NO you CANNOT feel my tumor, asshole!

cute!

what kind of chemo is she going to get? do you know the name?

No, sorry. I'll find out if I can. Probably the most common run-of-the-mill one as she has the most common-run-of-the-mill cancer -the most "cureable" type.

When she first told me and she was all "I'm not ready to die" I wasn't really sure what to say, I'm not the lovey-dovey-huggy-cry type, so I said (-because I'm the "comic relief" here) well what makes you think you're so special that you have to be in the small percentage that die. Statistically, you'll have chemo, lose your hair, lose a boob or a bit of one and then be back to pretty much normal in a few years". At the time i thought oops, maybe too direct too soon, but today she told me that's really been helping her get a perspective on it, so I have definitely learned that the best way to help your friends deal with this sort of shit is not to change, even if you might seems to have the wrong type of personality for it. If she couldn't handle it, she wouldn't have told me. There are a few extremely sincere, busybody types that she hasn't told because she doen't feel able to handle their reactions. i'm rambling. sorry.

."oh and now that I'm in your chest area, I might as well have a feel of the lump...... WTF for? weirdo. time for a new doc....

Maybe, but maybe he just doesn't get enough experience in these things. When I last got my prostate checked and pronounced normal, I was tempted to ask the doc how may abnormals she has felt.

yeah, she suspects that was it, but why couldn't he just have said "hey, would you mind if I examine your lump to help me know what it feels like". All that "routine exam oh and while I'm here i should just check it...." BS. people with cancer don't need that BS. None of us do.

(This was not the doctor who initially referred her for tests -that was her OBGYN)


she also said that it was a medically-driven desire to grop -she could tell her midwife also was desperate for a feel when she was discussing "lumps in other people"

I would soooo want you there if I had cancer Mon. As many times as I've been in your position, I finally realized that THAT is exactly why she wants you around, and why you're such a special friend. I tend to use humor to deal with discomfort as well - was told by more than one firend/family member with cancer that it was such a relief after ALL of the "OMG! Are you okay? You can cry on my shoulder, here's a tissue" types.

Well said Queenie.

Thanks. And thank goodness it's OK because I just can't do the gushy thing. I took her for her day after shot today. It hurt. She's very tired and wobbly, but the drugs are keeping the nausea at bay. Neither of us wear make-up much but she asked me to take her to a hair/make-up for chemo people thing next week. I'm going, of course, but I half suspect she's doing it just to see exactly what awful things I'll do when she plays the C card :lol:. (No, really she wants me to keep the gushing sharers at bay and stop them making her look like Barbie on Crack when she's too weak to say Stop! I think she's going because the workshop is there and sometimes you can't predict what help you're going to need to feel good.:D

Monster - keep up the good work. I'm not a make-up person either, but it can be fun to experiment (even under these awful circumstances). I know you'll help your friend to have fun with the possibilities.
Hugs to you!

Monsta = a good friend to have.

perhaps start the search for cool scarves or hats - a friend of mine did the whole scarf thing, and they looked great on her, but were hard to find. don' tknow if she'd want a wig - might want to start looking for that too, cuz they're doubly hard to find.
Ooh! She could join you and Cherry in the crazy color crowd! How fun!

She already has hats and is knitting caps. no scarves and definitely no Cranial Prosthetics (srsly, it's the pc way to say w-i-g, i saw it on a cancer website). I suggested she should knit a hat that looks like a huge boob....

nice.....I always said if it happened to me I'd wear a red bandana and an eye patch........

ooh, i must suggest that. In fact maybe I will get her those very items. And a gold earring. She already poo-pooed my idea of loaning her the kids' dress-up hat collection. Court Jester one day, British bobby the next....

I got great, awesome scarves from TLC. They were the big kind that you could tie like a gypsy. Beautiful, hand-printed designs, too. TLC is a catalogue for ca pts. bet her dr's office has it.

Look Good Feel Better - is a place where they show you how to not look so...cancer-y. I was so sick, though, i didn't really much care how I looked...but after loosing eyebrows AND lashes, you do tend to look like a melon. Featureless. it's depressing. at least it was for me.

Best to her, god love her.

Thanks for the advice, Bri. She's getting ACT, by the way.

Adriamycin and Cytoxan and Taxol?

I had Taxol (or Taxotere) first then the AC. It was a reverse order. They usually do AC first and THEN the Taxol.

AC then T, yes

Yes, the big C is good for lots of acronyms.

Oh, and btw, Fuck Cancer.

the AC didn't bother me too much - was not nauseated more than on T.

it was the Taxotere that caused me problems. Bone pain, horrible, horrible bone pain. and even water tasted nasty.

Monster, if your friend is a member of Ravelry (knitting online community) there are patterns there that could be adapted to boob hats. If not, I'm happy to adapt something for her, if you let me know what level of [knitting] skills she has.
All the best to you and her!

Thanks, limey, she's not, but I don't think she plans to follow that suggestion either :lol:

She repoting that she can't taste anything anymore :( Not a whole shitload I can do about that. I hope it's not permanaent for her, i understand it can be hit and miss.

lemon candies helped me -- the kind you suck on. Anything citrus-y would help.

Love to her.

If she's a knitter then the gift of some really luscious yarn (high silk or alpaca content, for example, a couple of skeins) would be appreciated by her, I'm sure, to knit a little something for herself ...

Monster, if your friend wants any help with eyelash regrowth after chemo, a product called Latisse works WONDERS. I highly recommend it IF she is having trouble growing her lashes back to pre-chemo length, thickness and darkness. Mine came in sparse and very, very light-colored and my eyebrows haven't recovered. My head hair is back to it's old self, though is still short but, now that it's a bit longer, it's wavy, not curly anymore *thanks gods*

Excellent tip, thanks Brianna, I'll pass it on.

How's your friend doing Monnie?

She's having the second chemo right now as I type. It's been rough, but this morning she was almost back to her old self. This time next week she'll be bald as a coot. prolly. poor thing, although the current weather is the best weather you could have for it if you have to go bald. Although the sunburn danger is a killer.

She got her hair cut progressively shorter in preparation, and she was saying she's getting lots of comments like "what did you do to your hair?".... People can be so goddamn rude!

People can be thoughtless sometimes.

Yebbut that's just rude. Making unpleasant personal comments.

Yes. It is rude. Certainly, I think it is rude and I am pretty sure it's not something I'd say, even at my most thoughtless, or drunk. Then again, some people have a bluntness about them, like they operate within a different set of boundaries. I have a friend like that. Lovely lass, but she can floor someone with a sentence and not have the slightest awareness she's done it; and is about as sensitive and empathetic as a house brick.

I got stared at all the time. If someone was too obvious I'd say, "Training. Olympics." which shut them right up.

When I decided to ditch my wig I got all KINDS of looks ( I was at Uni then ) the kids all said they thought the wig was my real hair. Meh, I still have the wig and can have long hair again in an instant. :)

The hair thing, though, monnie, was VERY traumatic for me. I was bereft. SOBBING.

Does your friend know she'll go thru menopause, too? (It's an added bonus)

[quote=Brianna;576862]I got stared at all the time. If someone was too obvious I'd say, "Training. Olympics." which shut them right up. [quote]

I love it Bri!!!

I had a co-worker like that Monnie - I finally broke down and asked him what gave him the right to be so rude and judgemental - he blamed it on mild Turretts. From then on I just told him when he was being rude and he apologized. Worked out well.

And Fuck Cancer.

yes, she knows, thanks Bri -she's happy about that aspect.

....aaaaaand she's bald. I had no idea it would be so quick, no wonder it's so traumatic. Saturday, a full head of hair -if a little thinner than before- ...nothing by Monday night.

:(

She hanging in there Monnie?