I Need A Man
 

No, really.
Why? Love, cuddling, support, sex, a soulmate...? All those good things? Well, yes. But for the basic bottom line thing that all men are afraid women want - money.

I've been doing some internet research.
If I get a job, any kind of job at all, I won't be eligible for any kind of benefit.
Well, not if I work more than 16 hours a week.

If I work 30+ hours a week I can get tax credits... but they are means tested by the previous tax year. In which I earned £12,666.
Giving me a tax credit of £12.

"Go out and work then you lazy trollop," I hear you cry. Firstly, I do genuinely suffer from depression and anxiety. I've now been in and out of work almost as often as I've been posting on the Cellar. For the record I have almost always had a second (and in some cases a third) job to support myself - even most recently at EEA I was working 10 and sometimes up to 20 extra hours a week.

I now have a job as a volunteer (as I did in London when I was on benefits) but what I really want to do is get a part-time job to make sure this cycle does not repeat. It will give me social contact, self esteem, opportunities for further work, experience and a good framework for living i.e grooming, regular hours etc.

There is a one bedroomed maisonette up for rental literally 3 minutes from my parents. Ex-council. Unfurnished. Not swish in any way. £550 a month. I would need to be earning £20k pa to be able to afford that. The two new jobs on the JobCentrePlus website (Govt run) today - I check every day- are £15k pa.

So the bottom line is I need to sort my weight out. Make that my main priority. Devote all my time and attention to my appearance. Because me and a man could earn £10k each and have a nice flat. Because we could share electricity, gas, water, council tax, Diz-food & litter, cooking. Because I am obviously being selfish by trying to hog resources.

I'm semi-serious.
Can you tell I'm hurting tonight?

SG, why don't you put your details up on a couple of dating sites? You don't have to actually go on any dates, but you could, and you might just have some fun.

Do it safely and be honest with those men you choose to date.

It's how I met Dazza, and look where I am now.

[been there done that]Although working tax credit is usually based on your previous year's earnings you can tell them that things have changed and give them an estimate of this year's earnings. The catch is that if (if!) you earn more than you estimated you have to give it back next year, even if that takes you below their estimated starvation-levels ...[/been there done that]

Sundae - this may be unpopular to say but I think you need to relax a bit and get well. I mean, really well. You've not be on the water wagon all that long, have you? You still suffer from depression/anxiety and maybe need some time for meds to sort out; you need some real TIME to get better and then stand on your own. You do NOT need a man. Be your own man.

I sense you are feeling guilty - that old Protestant work ethic creeping around. Squash that like a bug and concentrate on getting well. I know you can do it and I know that once on your feet, you'll be unstoppable.

Ah Bri, I get what you're saying. But I can't live with my parents forever.

Anyway it will take at least six months to get me man-worthy, given that they are so stringent in their wish-lists...

:comfort:

Don't forget that most men would prefer someone who is sane and happy over someone who is svelte but rather unsorted. If working on your weight will make you happy, then that's a bonus! But if it will make you more depressed and stressed out, then it is counterproductive in all ways.

Do you think you might be able to find a female roommate you could be compatible with?

Oy! Lay off with the self-destructive negativity:P

You're just feeling it today. You'll get days like that. You might even get weeks like that. Just because the jobs you might go for in the near future aren't likely to get you where you want to be, that doesn't mean you won't get there eventually.

Scale back for now. At some point you can take the next step and get into paid work. Then another and house share. From there you have more potential options than you are currently seeing.

One step at a time, babe.

Barefoot and pregnant and in the kitchen?:D j/k a jest

SG, what Clod said is true, most men when they are ready to get serious don't want the drama associated with skinny crazy girls. Or fat crazy girls either. We really do have a hard time fathoming women on the best of days so it is to your advantage that you sort out your emotional landscape first.

I personally think anti depressants rewl, esp. SSRIs but not as a forever kind of thing, more as a reset button. It helps you get your act together and climb out of the mental rut you've dug. I'm feeling like I could use a few handfuls of zoloft these days, myself.

Bri, I've got a bunch of oxycodone I'd be willing to swap for soe zoloft.

Again, kidding. I kid.

(pm me)

Why HAVE a man......

When you can just USE one?

and by one you mean you...? :P

Hey...I'm in the loungeroom at the moment. You did get the first two right though. ;)

Of course, I really just meant that I met Dazza when I was at one of the lowest points in my life (as SG knows), but these days (aside from my bitching about being pregnant) I'm really as happy as a pig in shit, and I never thought I would be.

Sometimes it's hard to get a good perspective on things when you're feeling low, and it takes a big effort to put yourself out there again, but it can be worth it. You might just have a bit of fun, but on the other hand, you might just find yourself a diamond in the rough.

I don't think I was even close to mentally stable when I met Dazza. I was all over the shop, and I know people say you shouldn't wait for someone else to fix you or that it's even possible for it to happen, but being with him created the environment I needed to work on myself. I have him to thank for just listening to my shit mostly...and letting me get it out.

Maybe it doesn't or even shouldn't be that way, but the fact is, that's how it happened for me. Maybe the same could be true for SG, or anyone else. All I can do is tell what happened to me and give her some hope. There's always hope.

Looks like Dazza made the chain too long, then. :D


I love Australian idioms.

Sundae, be nice to yourself. Wot Dana said, in fact.

Also, you want (not need) a housemate, not necessarily a man. Could you share with a woman?

Aside: this reminds me of a T-shirt one of my (teenage female) students wears. Now we all know that Pinocchio's wish was "I want to be a real boy". This T-shirt has a picture of Pinocchio with quite a long nose and the caption, "I want a real man". :lol: I don't think she quite understands, but I am not going to be the one to explain it to her.

You mean...

:D

I'm not THAT easy.

I'm easier than that.:blush:

SG, you're trying to run before you can walk. Stay with your parents, stay on the sick, off the booze and on the diet/exercise program and off the self-criticism. Slow down on your recovery. You know what's wrong. The fact that just knowing what is wrong hasn't fixed it is not a good reason to beat yourself up some more. If it took a while to get there, it ain't goin' to be quick to get back.

How long is it since you had a drink?

You worry about money earned not being enough to pay the rent. Even if you earned enough, would you still have it all when the rent came due? Are you factoring in your spending "needs"

Again, you're trying to run before you can walk.

Get (really) sober, get (a little) more sensible with money, get happier and maybe spend some time and get some more qualifications so you can command the salary you need for the lifestyle you want.

You don't need a man to get a flat, you need determination and a little time

you can do it.

And once you've done it, the man thing will be a doddle

What monster said (a lot better than I could have)

I say get your own place. Although it may be humble, believe me, the independence is truly a magnet for us guys. If you have to have a guy to have a home, then He'll have you by the ass from jump street. If you needed him to get it, you'll need him to KEEP it. I f he leaves, you're homeless. Or at best in a very vulnerable position.
Rome wasn't built in a day. Nor can you build a new life that quickly.
A few years ago I had a nice (but expensive) house. Loved it. But I put up with a gang of shit from the girl who lived w/me for [obvious] reasons. I felt trapped. I finally moved to this much more modest house that I can afford easily alone. Now, although I am single, when I do meet "that lady", I can pursue a relationship for all the RIGHT reasons.
Now if I can just get that face transplant.......

I'm starting to wonder what your face really looks like capn. You've been denigrating yourself so much. Surely it can't be that bad! ;)

It's a kinda big step for an old timer like me to post their pic on zwebz. I'm working on it.

And nah... it ain't that bad. Ain't that good either. Like everything else, it depends on what you're comparing it to.

Well I think you should just bite the bullet and post it right now!

Go on. I know you want to. :D

From what I have read you don't need a sham of a relationship that borders on prostitution.

Your better and stronger than that.

What you need is a roommate.
I live in a one room that is barely bigger than a prison cell with a stranger, for the want of greenbacks.

It can be done; you can do it, and you will do it. All things in time.

As for relationships," you must first be able to take care of yourself before you can take care of another."


Post Script

I did not intend nor want to offend, however, I did want to be blunt on how much of a bad idea it is. Even if your OK will selling your body it is a bad move. The job(relationship) has very little security, a lot of hours probably a low hourly rate while being always on call (but most salary jobs have those problems), several-non-tax deducible and non-reimburse items, high up start costs, highly competitive, and a lot of customer service. There are better options for selling oneself such as: scientific experimentation, flexible hours, OK money, helping scientific progress, long term health risks; the selling of body fluids, great hours, not much money; the selling of eggs, great money, very serious health risks.

:D

On another note is £10k a lot of money being relative to average annual salary of the population of people in your area.

Sounds like you've got plenty of probs to sort out yourself. Living with your parents has got to be better than that. How do you do it? I feel for you.

We all have trouble, the struggle is life.

I can't my parents live hundreds of miles away.

Thank you for your empathy.

My troubles are managed by the power of the Lord. I live a good life.

FTR, I don't think SG was literally talking about finding a man to pay all her bills. I'm pretty sure she's more interested in the emotional support she'd find in a loving relationship.

Geez SG, I wish you weren't so far away. Why do you complain about your appearance? My God, you are so pretty.

And anyway, even if she is looking for a man to support her, what's wrong with that traditional notion anyway? It's the way it was through most of the 20th century and still continues now.

The problem so many people have in their relationships is a lack of honesty, and I don't think it's wrong to be up front if that's what you're really looking for. Everyone knows where they stand and no one can cry foul if it doesn't work out either.

There's nothing wrong with having a guy you are in a relationship help support you. I've done it and was glad to

Sometimes I long for someone to care for/support. Often. Sometimes it just seems so hopeless.
The key here IMO, is to find love. I love is there, all else will follow the trail of the petals.
I actually recall how it felt to be in love. And in that moment all was nothing to give.
'sall about feeling and happiness. You have that and you own the world.

I don't think there is anything wrong with that traditional man pays the bills situation. As long as both parties are clear on that in the beginning and both parties are truly in love with each other.

I just got out of a six-year marriage, and suddenly have twice the bills... there's an irony in it, too, because I supported him while he built his business and only cut back to halftime in 2007 so he could work full-time. Now I'm trying to live on half my usual income, without a partner to make up the other half. I've had those thoughts... "If I just had a partner to pick up the slack..."

But I really think it's healthier right now not to, and important, on a pretty major level, to work out how to survive and thrive on our own. It might mean having a housemate (a friend of mine broke up with her boyfriend and moved in with me... she can't pay anywhere close to half, but it helps) and it also might mean living in a place that's not your ideal, or even close to it. But MAKING IT is really important and knowing that you're self-sufficient and capable will heal you tremendously.

And if you really just want the hot sex, we'll have to club together and buy you a plane ticket, because there's a queue of attractive American men forming on this board :p

I don't need a man for money; I have my own. I don't need a man to buy me things; I'll do that myself. I don't need a man I think makes me look good or increases social standing, whatever that is; I've never cared much about those kinds of things. I don't even need a man for sex; "I'm responsible for my own orgasm"--Teri Garr in Tootsie. ;)

But a companion, a friend, someone who happens to think you're the bees knees, gets you, will be caringly honest if you're being a butthead, and gentle when your world is falling apart. Someone beside you in your darkest of times, someone you know wouldn't take advantage of your heart, or make you feel badly about yourself to make themselves feel better. Someone to talk to, laugh with, and be silent with...

I could deal with those things.

I think you just described a dog. ;)

I've never had a pet tell me I need to take a step back and stop being a butthead. I've also never had a pet tell a joke, or even laugh at mine. Maybe I need a monkey? ;)

No, they fling poo. I think you've had quite enough of that. ;)

Thats right - you've only got cats :eyebrow:

Heh...I don't want to know the details of your more intimate relations with dogs.

Though dogs can share spaghetti with you; it's romantic...I saw it on Lady and the Tramp.

You haven't lived until you've shared a meat ball with a tramp. :blush:

And there's me. Don't forget about me.

And if he made you cum like an h-bomb, that wouldn't be so bad either, right?

Well, hell yes, the underlying point is that would be a great plus. But I don't have to depend on it. ;)

See the difference between men's and women's perception of the relationship?

Yeah, I guess she's not looking for a stud, whose father owns a liquor store and has a twin brother. ;)

Sort of. I see the point you're trying to make, but what you're forgetting is the fact that I conceded that OF COURSE it's important...but until I'm in a relationship I will live without it. In a relationship, it's quite important to enjoy each other. :p

I second this
 

I need a man (in the same country), to give me an earth shattering, toe curling, knee weakening orgasm....then roll over n go to sleep. Thats what I need at the moment.

Sundae, I think a housemate is a much healthier option for you at the moment. The perfect option would be someone who works opposite hours to what you will be, then you dont get in each others face so much (experience talking here).

Single life makes it soooo difficult to get the things you want, but you can do it, just takes time.

I've been thinking about this joke I heard years ago every time I read the title of this thread, so I've finally decided to share it.

A little boy peeks into his mothers bedroom one evening to see her standing in front of the mirror, stark naked, running her hands over her body saying, "I need a man, I need a man". The little boy thinks this is odd, but goes off to bed after his mother goes out.

In the morning, he wakes and goes to his mothers room and sees that she has a man in her bed. He's amazed to say the least as you can imagine.

That evening, he takes all his clothes off, stands in front of his mirror stark naked, running his hands over his body saying, "I need a bike, I need a bike!"

That really isnt even that funny, but I chortled ;)

Don't worry, I am of sound mind again.
It was a mixture of loneliness and the descending awareness of the property situation in Aylesbury compared to my earning potential.

Just for the record - I never intended to make it sound as if I wanted to "live off" another person. I just wanted to share the cost of living. And all the rest of my life of course. Meh, most of the time I am sure I'm better off alone and resigned to it. Just sometimes when I'm really low it all comes out.

I know I shouldn't be thinking about the future, but my Mum - with very good intentions - does keep trying to plan it for me. Looking into all her suggestions is depressing in itself! Still, the responses I am able to give her are slowly making her aware of my situation.

We had a silly, but eye-opening conversation on one of our walks at the weekend. We were talking about the fact that there is another EuroMillions rollover draw this week, which is £75 million, and just laughing about what we would do the next day if we won it. My plan was to go the local Tesco, get a clean pair of jeans that fit me when I sit down, a simple cream wool jumper, and take them out to a local gastro pub. Mum wanted to go to an exclusive clothes shop in Wycombe - where she got her outfit for my bro's wedding - and head off to the Ritz! I explained that while a win would solve 90% of her problems (which are very few tbh), they would only solve 50% of mine. I still wouldn't want to be out with people I didn't know, would still need to stay teetotal, still need to lose weight, still would feel intimidated by strangers. She went very quiet as I also explained that I would want to stay with them for at least a few months, even with £75 million in the bank, because I am depressed, scared to face life alone, grateful for their company, the framework they impose upon my life and our weight-loss partnership.

Mum and I often play, "What if..." about many things other than the lottery. It's not about future goals, it's an exercise in imagination. But I think this one reminded her that I am actually ill, and at present I can't imagine myself out of that.

Anyway, thanks for all the advice. Dani said I shouldn't cut myself off from my support group, and she is right of course.

:hugs:

I have found that Dani gives very sound advice (well, her and Clodfobble!) and I'm glad you are concentrating on mending up.

all the best energy your way, Sundae.

Yeah, Sundae...
What Bri said. You KNOW we love ya!

Yeah - don't go all quiet on us SG - :headshake

Yeah, it's not that funny, but I had to tell it in order to excercise it from my mind. ;)

Glad you got a giggle though matey.

I LOLed. Thanks.

The incomparable Bessie Smith weighs in:

Tired of bein' lonely, tired of bein' blue,
I wish I had some good man, to tell my troubles to
Seems like the whole world's wrong, since my man's been gone

I need a little sugar in my bowl,
I need a little hot dog, on my roll
I can stand a bit of lovin', oh so bad,
I feel so funny, I feel so sad
I need a little steam-heat, on my floor,
Maybe I can fix things up, so they'll go
What's the matter, hard papa, come on and save you mama's soul
'Cause I need a little sugar, in my bowl, doggone it,
I need a little sugar in my bowl

I need a little sugar, in my bowl,
I need a little hot dog, between my rolls
You gettin' different, I've been told,
move your finger, drop something in my bowl
I need a little steam-heat on my floor,
Maybe I can fix things up, so they'll go

(spoken: Get off your knees, I can't see what you're drivin' at!
It's dark down there!
Looks like a snake!
C'mon here and drop somethin' here in my bowl,
stop your foolin', and drop somethin', in my bowl)