The Job Hunting Trenches
 

This is along the lines of my "E-mail Idiots on Parade" thread. I go through several job sites almost every day, and sometimes, I come across job postings that are funny, stupid, or interesting. Feel free to post your own.

This company seems to be desperately trying to get people to move here:

"Major social service agency, serving the elderly, seeks an individual who will be responsible for the administrative and clinical supervision of assessment workers and clerical support staff.

We are located near the heart of Philadelphia 3/4 miles from City Hall. Philadelphia offers the best of urban and suburban living within city limits and our suburbs. With two rivers, several streams, and the largest inner-city park in the nation, Philadelphia offers activities ranging from mountain biking, inline skating, to watching cloud formations from our Belmont Plateau. Philadelphia also offers a wide array of cultural activities including fine dining, concerts, museums, and theaters. If you are a beach person, we have the Jersey Shore, and the Poconos for our skiing friends within driving distance."

My favorites are the feeble attempt to reduce the number of resumes to be reviewed by insisting on 18 pieces of software an applicant must have expereience with, including version numbers. Bonus points are awarded for mispelling the names of the software, or insisting on five years of expereince in a technology that has only existed for three years.

I remember one of these from a job listing I saw a few years ago - perhaps in 1998 or so.

The requirement was for "8 years experience with Java programming".

Now, I'm "new" to this kind of stuff in the sense that I've only really been into modern computers since 1995. But even I <b>remember</b> when Java was announced - in 1995. In mid 1995, if I recall correctly. So how the hell was anyone supposed to have 8 years Java experience?

Hooray for morons.

Right before I moved to DC in '99, there was a social services agency here in Philadelphia that was trying to recruit me. My response to them at the time: "Unfortunately, I have absolutely no desire to move to Philadelphia."

Whoops. :)

the best part of an interview is finding out that you're smarter (or just know more) than the person who's interviewing you. At my student job (admittedly, not the most technically demanding) the guy who interviewed me, and is one (of FOUR!) of my bosses is an absolute bonehead. He's nice enough, but doesn't know doodely about 'puters (or networking, or social skills).

Right after I graduated from college in January '99, I went for an interview at a local bank in St. Louis. The job market sucked at the time, so I was interviewing for a bank teller position. The interviewer was this 20-something woman...maybe slightly older than me at the time...a complete twit. Then I see her college diploma behind her--it's from the exact same school with the exact same degree in the exact same field as mine. The difference--mine said Magna Cum Laude, hers didn't. ;)

Granted, I don't know her background or anything like that, so it's not really fair for me to say too much. But her interview skills sucked to high heaven...and that's a huge part of doing HR. In fact, the only HR folks I've met that seem to really know their stuff are older folks (30+). The younger folks (my age and younger) just don't seem to have it together (including that bitch at my last job). Hopefully, they will get better with time. At the same time, I hope I'm just stumbling across the stoopid ones, and that they're not all like that.

During an early 90s job hunt, I saw an ad for a position to do phone & in-person support for email and WordPerfect. They expected a BS in Computer Science. This kind of entry-level helpdesk thing was what I was looking for, so I sent them my resume and tried to suggest that maybe a computer science degree wasn't the only background that might prepare somebody for a job like that. Didn't work.

Once when I was on the other end of the process, we got a resume with a cover letter that went something like this: "... I have enclosed my one-page resume... I have a great deal of experience with <whatever>, as you can see from my one-page resume.... my one-page resume details my background in ..... if you have any questions about my one-page resume... " I wish I'd saved a copy of it!!

The days of the one-page resume are dead, IMO. With the way people bounce from job-to-job so easily today (myself included), you may have a lot of different jobs to put down. Though your time with a company may be short, the experience you've earned may be no less significant than a job you held for 5 years. I've had 10 jobs total, and 8 of them are worthy enough to me to put on a resume...my resume now checks in at just under 2 pages. If I tried to put my resume on one page, it would only cover the past year of work I've done, which simply doesn't represent all that I can offer an employer.

Resume length depends on the person, it seems. I've had a couple of HR reps tell me that more than one page is great. And I've heard others warn of going past one page. If folks don't like my resume, they can toss it out. As far as I'm concerned, it looks sharp, it's to the point, and it represents a great deal of experience. You don't like it? *shrugs* My feelings won't be hurt.

The thing that seems to be hurting me right now in the social work field is that many places stipulate that you must own a car and have a drivers license. I have both, but I'm not about to sacrifice my little car driving it all over town. Maybe if I had a nice new car, I might consider it. But until then...

Right to the point, another problem these days is being "heavy". Employers look at you and, at least subconsciously, make a connection to slovenly and lazy. Thinner and more attractive people get jobs over more heavy-set and/or less attractive people every day. Sad but true.

Of course, we still have employers that look down at minorities, women, foreigners, etc. as well.

File this one under "You poor sucker."

Your Key to the Future!!!
Can you key 7000 kph or more (alpha and numeric). Well if the answer is yes, then what are you waiting for pick up the phone and call us, send us an email or fax your resume immediately.

Well, that sounds right up my alley. I should send my resume right away, right?

No...here's why:

--It's from my old temp agency.

--They offered me this job about 3 weeks ago.

--It pays $9 per hour. Whoopeefuckingdoo. They wouldn't negotiate with me on it.

--There is no way in hell I am going out to Horsham (45 minutes away) for a piddly $9 an hour. Do I have "moron" written on my forehead? Let's see if that number can jump up, and we'll talk, mmmkay?

I guess it's fine and all for the right person, but...*thumbs his nose at it* ;)

The salary says it all. :)

Non-profit Behavioral Health Facility in NE Phila. has an excellent opportunity for someone.
has knowledge of program eval., CQI & managed care procedures related to the BH/MR field. Excellent writing, analytical & computeer skills required. BA in Human Services or related field.
Salary - $25,779 - $9,999,999 per year

See what I mean!

All positions require a BA in Human Services. Case Mgm't positions require a valid driver's license & personal auto.

No...FUCK YOU! You want me to drive to Kensington or Logan or West Philadelphia? Provide me with a car YOU own, you cheap bastards! Buy a Kia for crying out loud!

Yeah, and you know it's closer to $25,779 than to $9,999,999 -- or than to $27,000, for that matter.

They offer salaries commensurate with a high school diploma and expect college-educated skilled professionals to jump at it? No wonder they're looking for people.

(hmm.. $25,779 minus taxes minus rent and food... think you could moonlight at Wawa?)

See, now a ConpSci grad could tell you that

$25,779 - $9,999,999 = -$9,974,220

If you can afford to pay north of nine mil for the privilege of doing this job, you certainly should be able to provide your own car. :-)

Actually, I think I may know of the outfit that's posting this job; it sounds familar because a friend of mine used to work for these guys. They get federal money for sending people with minimal social science credentials to go evaluate and teach learning disabled kids in impoverished households at home.

Basically you drive a circuit and hang out a couple of hours each week with these kids, then write up a report on every visit explaining how much better the kid is doing with the federally-funded attention they're getting.

You need "computeer skills" (evidently not including spell check) because they have no IT support at all...at least they didn't a few years ago. I've seen them advertise for a help-desk level person but I doubt they ever got anybody.

My friend isn't doing the job anymore. She drank herself to death.

Hey now...I've got a ton of social science credits. ;)

I think this one dealt with mentally ill adults. But I have seen ones similar to what you have described, Maggie. I couldn't do what was described above. Though I would like to work with refugees and immigrants, I primarily go by gut instinct when perusing the social work want ads: Is it something that could work for me? What are the possible limitations and bureaucratic hoops? Could I be as objective as possible in doing a job like this?

The pay sucks for most social work jobs...no doubt. But I have no problem with making $26K a year if I'm reasonably certain I am going to love the job. Private agencies (with the exception of the Catholics) tend to pay more, but I have not really seen that here in the Philadelphia area.

I took the County Caseworker 1 test for the state in January, and did very well. Montgomery County came calling in March...all I probably would have had to do is play nice in the interview and I would have had the job. I turned it down though...I couldn't justify driving or taking the hi-speedline to Norristown every morning for the salary. Montgomery County has to be one of the richest counties, if not the richest, in the Commonwealth. $26,700? Bullshit.

Well, one reason Mongomery County is so "rich" as it has is that it isn't paying enough for such jobs that you would consider commuting from Northeast Philly.

Of course, you could always live somewhere *in* Montgomery County, and spend that money here. In which case you'd get a piece of it back in the form of Philadelphia city wage taxes you wouldn't have to pay anymore. Maybe part of that tax is going to pay the social workers in Philly more money than they would get out here...but somehow I doubt it.

There's evidently enough supply of people qualified for social work up here that they don't need to pay more than $27,000 to get them. County jobs aren't a social program per se (in the sense that *providing* social workers is), and don't exist to "share the wealth", they're driven by supply and demand, just like other labor markets, including the ones you and I work in.

If the market says the job is worth $27k, and the county decided to pay more than that out of tax revenues because "it's a rich county and they can afford it", I think those of us who do live here and do pay those taxes would be highly displeased. I know I would.

Plus, as an upper-middle-class county, we deal with our social problems differently. We don't call for government assistance; we shut the doors and windows and drink ourselves to death, or we go to the doctor and get expensive medications.

Say Tony, you better head on down into Norristown and tell 'em this is an upper-midddle class county and they're doing it wrong. I'll be right behind you. Really. :-)

Although I guess crack might count as "expensive medications".

Shall I take upper-crusty Blue Bell along to help convince them?

I think they're out of town for the summer. :-)

Reading the Times Herald and Pottstown Mercury, there seems to be no shortage of demand for social workers in Mongomery County. There just happens to be plenty of supply, too.

Past experience tells me that more affluent areas tend to pay better in the social services field (and I'm going to include teachers in this field as well). Philadelphia starts SW trainees out at $27,036 (up about a K from last year)...and I would think Bucks and Montco would start at $29K easily. I don't know how the staffing situation is in Bucks or Montco, but nationally there is a shortage of SW's. My understanding of the state and city situation is that it is the same. It's a thankless job...you do it mainly for the love of the job. But if there really is a shortage out there, agencies (both private and governmental) are gonna have to put out a few more bucks. Love doesn't pay the rent...there has to be some type of financial incentive as well, IMO.

Of course, I might be able to only live in Norristown on $27K a year. ;) Nah...we could at least afford Cheltenham or Abington. But any extra money I would have by living outside the city would probably be offset up by higher rent and transportation expenses.

The $27K mark seems to be average in the area. Now, let's say that the city decided to bring in sw's and pay them $30K...b/c in Sycamore's Utopian Scenario, Philadelphia has lots of extra money. Would I be for it? Absolutely. Why? Because I believe that folks like teachers and social workers are grossly underpaid for the work they do. Let's offer a little incentive here, and tie it to some objective points of accountability.

Having said this, money is only the first step. If you're not changing the other aspects, then the money means nothing in the end. But it's a starting point.

"More affluent areas" have higher costs-of-living, so they must pay more for the same work. If you decided to locate in some parts of Mongomerty County you'd have totally nasty COL....and that's one reason I'm no longer in King of Prussia, for example....Jeffersonville is somewhat nearer high-crime (Norristown) and doesn'thave as nice a school district; UMASD is world-class. But since the kids (the remaining kid still in school, actually) legal residence is still in UM that doesn't matter, so I'm here on the other side of the river, because I could afford a house here.

Other parts are very reasonable, and I would expect cheaper than many places inside the city. Of course, many of those parts may not be *near* anything in particular; much of this county is still semirural, (but watch this space).

But if the shortage you say is there is really there, why hasn't it driven up the salaries? Maybe the demand is somewhat elastic; the *quality* of social services is probably not closely monitored by the taxpayers.
Where did the county want you to work? Cheltenham and Abington are in fact in Montgomery County, but not by much; they're almost inside the city. Living in Abington and working at the county Intermediate Unit here in West Norriton would not make sense, for example. Some commutes totally outside the city are cheaper and faster than many commutes totally inside the city.

Others are nearly impossiible.
I beleive that's very true too. I haven't detected much enthusiasm for accountability measures for teachers in the city. UMASD is world-class probably because it pays somewhat better, they spend more on the kids in other ways, and the working conditions are *vastly* better than a city school. I don't know what objective points of accountability they may need to meet, but I do know my kids grew up well-educated there.

I kinda doubt that could be translated to the city just by more salary money and objective standards, though. When somebody at UMASD is a bad teacher, the whole town knows about it in fairly short order; they don't last.

Right; Philadelphia pretty much forms a Y, and Cheltenham is right in the crotch of that Y. And there aren't any high speed roads across it, either.

(though while Cheltenham is 'almost inside the city' by location, you can definitely tell when you drive across the city line on 611!)

If you want to work in West Norriton and live cheap in Monkey County, there's always Norristown borough. I'd happily recommend that to my worst enemy.

There's Conshohocken too... same kinda deal I'd think, but it would be convenient both to the city and the suburbian living.

There are some nice places that are actually inside Norrisitown borough that have escaped slumification. East Norriton gives NE Philly a run for its money with a fairly similar cultural base, from what I'm able to see.

And Tony's right: Conshy is viable too, and a far cry from the ex-factory town dump that it used to be...an impressive urban rennaisance and very well-served by SEPTA, too.

Hey, there's a nice duplex a bit outside the borough on Elm that's probably not too expensive.

Disadvantage: it's a teardown

Advantage: While you're working on it, you can get lunch at Pete's, which is a fine deli which I miss a lot since changing jobs.

Possible advantage: Very convenient to Seventh Heaven :-) :-) :-)

Actually, yeah, there's not too much wrong with Conshy (that particular house is an abberation, apparently some sort of pissing contest between the township and the owner over zoning). But I wonder what the dot-com bust did for the revitalization efforts.

Disclaimer: Haven't been there, except on the Betzwood trail, since I left the job there. So the teardown might not be for sale any more, and Pete's and Seventh Heaven might not be there either. Smart money says they're all there, though.

The company for whom I work is apparently moving to Conshohocken next year. Let 'em move. I'm going to estimate that they'll lose 25% of their work force within a year.

I suspect that many Philadelphians don't even know what a social worker does, other than portrayals of them on television. That's not a slag on Philadelphians...you really only hear about sw's when something bad happens involving one (like the missing girl in Florida). The work they do is not really seen "in action." If your streets are clean and in good condition, you know the streets department is doing their job. If you don't hear about criminals escaping from the city jail, you know the sheriffs department is doing their job.

I think a lot of social work graduates (like teachers) fully realize that the pay isn't going to be great when they get out, and the governments realize that they can "get away" with paying what they do. Of course, many sw's are unionized (I know the City's sw's are), and the benefits are good, which may be a fair trade-off to many.

No specific location was given. The letter they sent with the interview notice stated that all open positions were in Norristown. I'm assuming it would have been through HHS, which is on DeKalb Street. It would have been cool if it were through their offices on York Road in Willow Grove.

Of course, there are 80 kabillion factors in making a move somewhere, even locally.

Compared to a place like Upper Merion, I would say Philadelphia is held back by a lower and shrinking tax base, political bickering (including the school board), the teachers union, and parents who simply don't realize the seriousness of what is happening or refuse to accept it. As I see it, what is being done with the school system now can be no worse than what they had. The new CEO seems to be a sharp guy, and from what I've read and understand, Chicago schools improved considerably during his reign there.

A few months ago, there was a big stink about the head of the city's social services going to Puerto Rico to recruit bilingual SW's. Apparently, she made peace by paying her own way there. Give me a solid refresher program in Spanish, which would probably be cheaper than flying to PR and trying to recruit there. I could do it. :) Not to mention, could you honestly not find any bilingual SW's on the mainland? ESPECIALLY Puerto Ricans in Chicago or NYC? Damn.

Opportunities abound for lurkers especially those who fit the profile.

As I was perusing the Northeast Times today...

COLLECTOR - Drug/Alcohol Testing. Successful drug testing program mgmt co. seeks a P/T urine/drug collector/ breath alcohol tech. Position involves travel to various metro Phila. sites to conduct collections.

"So, what do you do?"

"I am a urine collector."

For some reason, I find that incredibly funny.

What the hell kind of job title is this?

CASE MANAGER/COUNSELOR JOB DEVELOPER/RESIDENT SUPERVISOR

It turns out that there are 2 different jobs, just listed in the same ad. Now I'm suspicious of applying to the job...

File under "suspicious":

Nationwide Company has many openings available for candidates looking for home-based telecommuting (work from home) positions. The average yearly income is between $36,000 and $48,000! Candidates can work part time or full time! These are national work-at-home positions and are not restricted to any one particular state ... therefore, openings are currently available for most regions of the U.S. When initially contacting our firm, please tell us your name, your contact info (including email address), and in which part of the U.S. you reside! We ask that you do not submit (or attach) your resumes when initially emailing us ... else your response will not be read! Serious candidates only please! Contact us via our email address shown

From Careerbuilder...this is all that was on the page:

Description

Word Processing
DOCUMENT

Source - Philadelphia Newspapers, Inc

Requirements

Please refer to the Job Description to view the requirements for this job

See Job Description for Contact Information

In a job description on Monster.com:

Our company is a based in Wilmington, Delaware, a vibrant, growing city located midway between New York and Washington and just two hours from the shores of the Atlantic Ocean.

The only words I've changed are the first two.

1--I'm sorry, I must be confused...that, or those folks are smoking some great weed and not sharing. As a whole, from what I've seen, Wilmington is a toilet.

2--Poor sentence construction. We're all guilty of it at times, but come on! This is an advertisement of your company...would you be willing to hire me as an editor/proofreader?

"Can you hear me now?"
 

Ever wonder how to get one of those jobs wandering around asking that question?

Receptionist/Switchboard - A Proven Success at Improving Lives!

Yes...maybe...just maybe...if I am kind to that person on the phone, it will change their life forever.

Odd Todd ... and be sure to watch Episode 2, as well. :D

On monster.com yesterday:

Genetic Counselor - Were you work says a lot about who you are.

This shit blows my mind. You're putting this out to millions of job seekers, and you can't even use the right word! You know what they say about first impressions...

The sad thing is...this probably slipped by a lot of people.

The *really* sad thing is the hiring companies don't give a shit. They don't have to make a good impression; there's millions of unemployed people out there who will take a job whether the ad is well-written or not.

And thy will hire the cheapest responder...where do you think they got the person who wrote the ad?

hmmmm

Let me guess.

Sorry, Maggie. You're aksing for it.

Careful...if I loose my temper, the affects could be awefull, for all intensive purposes. You get what I'm inferring? A sharp blow too you're head, witch will hurt allot, irregardless.:-)

Okay, so we've established that either Maggie or Jag wrote that job description. :)

Still, that's pretty sad...if I were the CEO of that company, I'd be embarrassed.

Company in Huntingdon Valley, PA is seeking and experienced
Administrative Assistant to handle general and advanced office
duties.

Had this job paid better, I might have grudgingly applied for it.

A change of pace?

This is an entry level position that will allow time for learning and adjusting. It is not a fast paced office

What a crock:

Management Trainee LIMP BIZKIT ATTITUDE Nat'l Art Co. has 10-12 immed. pos. avail. for crazy fun people from sales to mgmt. If you like money, fun, loud music, and are not making at least $500 a week and would like to, call 856-857-9055, ext 22, for the perfect career. No experience necessary.

If anyone has heard of the following language, kindly let me know:

Administrative Asst For a Jenkintown Immigration Law Firm. Fluency in Sanish helpful. Great for pre-law students. Call Luz 215-885-3600

Sanish is the language Cellarites use when interacting with the rest of humanity, fortunately its not required here.

From Careerbuilder:

The job title as listed on the search results: g!o$b&b%ly()go*ok//##

Description

g!o$b&b%ly()go*ok//##

Requirements

Little or no experience necessary.

Contact Information
Company: Not Available
Contact: g!o$b&b%ly()go*ok//##
Email: Send Email Now
Phone: Not Available
Fax: Not Available
Ref ID: Not Available

See Job Description for Contact Information

Also from Careerbuilder:

AmerisourceBergen, a Fortune 36 Company

What the hell is this? I can't find anything on them on Fortune's site...what are they? Part of Fortune's Top 36 companies most likely to lie about themselves?

A job description on Careerbuilder:

Consultants

Immediate Openings
Business Analysts
Gateway
Paper Free
Email resume to
careers@dcasolutions.com

Ummm...yeah.

The title of a job posting on Careerbuilder:

Customer Service Rep: Anheuser-Busch

YEAH! Sign me up for that one!

Too bad it was some wholesaler out in Norristown that wants people to mail a copy of their resume.

Sanish is a dialect spoken by people who are most likely crazy, but who manage to hide it relatively well.

Damnit! I knew I should have went ahead and applied for that job!

From monster.com:

Salary: from USD 13.00 per year

Oh CRAP!! You mean _my_ job is posted on monster.com???

Those bastards!!!!

As I've mentioned before, I took a County Caseworker 1 test with the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. Here's my current standing (the counties listed are the ones I listed as where I would work):

Bucks: 3rd out of 114
Montgomery: 4th out of 144
Philadelphia: 3rd out of 148

No positions are currently being filled in Philadelphia (as the State's Civil Service site says), and I've been at that same ranking in Bucks for almost a year now, but have not been contacted. Montco has come calling several times, but I keep turning them down due to what I think is a low salary for where I would be working.

So, the Commonwealth came calling again Wednesday--County Caseworker 1, $26,229 for the starting salary. I have no problem with the salary, it's just that...this came from the Lehigh County Office of Children and Youth Services in Allentown...70 miles away.

Huh? Allentown? Do you see Lehigh County as one of my preferences? This is as bad as them offering me a Drivers License Examiners Assistant job in Berks County earlier this year! Not to mention...Allentown? That's gotta be worse than Norristown!

I dunno though...that $26,700 in Norristown is starting to look good.

Noristown isn't all that bad, really.

I have several friends with Children and Youth Svcs, bunch of other who are with County Probation.

You've got good rail/bus connections to philly, too, if you can use public transit for whatever job you might do. Of course if you need to do site visits, that requires that you have a vehicle, so that might only be a benefit when the weather's bad.

As far as Allentown goes ... How's your Spanish??

How many of the offers do you get to turn down before they don't call you anymore?

Necesita un poco de trabajo.

Apparently, they don't drop you unless you check the box on the reply sheet that says "remove me from consideration" or you don't return the reply sheet.

I'm thinkin' you should become an MCSE. People do it all the time. It isn't hard. It only hurts for a minute, then it's all over.

You can study in the comfort of your own home. Or, you can enroll in one of the many fine centers of higher learning that offer MCSE training programs, such as "Bob's House of MCSEs". or "MCSEs-R-Us" or the "Northeast Tractor-Trailer Training and MCSE Academy".

MCSEs are highly respected (and envied) in the IT field. In fact, many employers regard MCSE certification as the single most important qualification a potential employee can have!

I'll bet you have a pack of matches in your pocket right now that has all the information you need to get you started down the path to becoming a well-respected and highly compensated MCSE! Don't wait... Call today!

By golly, I think I might have found my ideal job:

Social Worker (Refugees )
- Initiate & maintain contact w/ refugees/sponsors during resettlement to insure goals are met. Plan needs of refugee w/ sponsor/family. Assist clients w/ connecting to needed services. Provide referrals & brief interventions as needed. BSW or related degree w/ experience working w/refugee or immigrant populations pref'd. May require eve & w/e hrs