Propositioning
 

If your friends spouse propositioned you, would you tell your friend?

Why or why not?

First, I'd tell my spouse.
Then go from there.
(Prolly would tell my friend; knowing my friends, they might be all for it.)

ETA: most of my friends are male, or bi.

Yea, because she would think it was funny and we are best friends.

Yes, but would you tell the spouse of the woman (presumably) who propositioned you?

It'd depend very much on the friend. Like Pie, I'd start by telling my spouse about it and go from there.

If the "spouse" were my friend L's boyfriend, for example, I'd definitely say something to her because I know she values monogamy. If the guy is propositioning me, who knows who else he is trying for? For other friends, I might mention it in passing and they would laugh and shrug it off.

Inform everyone concerned.

Start: "I always thought the letters to your magazine were made up, until... "

lol...none of those letters are made up. They're real life, just like Jerry Springer. There really are that many idiots in the world. :D

No I would blow it off, after I told Mr. Horndog that it better not happen again. If he persisted I would tell the wife and let her deal with it. Put him on notice.

Depends.

Answered this one only after picking myself up off the floor when I'd finished laughing my ass off. As IF!

Very much depends on the people involved and the circumstances around the proposition. If for example, my friend's spouse was rip roaring drunk at the time and the proposal was clearly just the drink talking, I may well say nothing.

*grins* I suppose it would also depend on whether or not I accepted his proposition...j/k I never would :P

Depends on many factors. If it were even slightly serious, I'd inform both my S.O. and theirs. I don't care if they're drunk, or if they're mog or open, or anything else, anyway. If they want to get busy with me, they can approach both me and my S.O.

I would not tell, because of their circumstances at this moment. We have known each other forever (her since we were six, him since junior high), and we are now 46 yrs old. She is really ill right now, and to add to their stress over something so relatively unimportant would be cruel.

And I of course would turn him down

That's a tough one.

I had to tell my college roommate her lawbag boyfriend made a move on me. I fretted about it, but my friends thought I should tell her. Guess whose fault it ended up being? MINE! It really wasn't though.

It's even more grave if it's someone's spouse. A guy like that, he'll probably get caught messing around with someone else on whom the spouse can blame his indiscretion or lack of ability to keep it in his damn pants.

Nowadays I'd probably keep my mouth shut, but my eyes open, and hope to guide her to see what he really is.

Yeah, tough call!

Tell him he's on report.

Part of being openly polygamous is having to deal with situations like this. So for me it would really depend on the circumstances. If I know my best friend is also poly, I'd make sure her spouse had spoken to her first about it, then bring in my S.O. and we could have a nice friendly chat. If, however, I know my best friend is NOT poly, I would inform her immediately, put her spouse on warning, and make sure my S.O. also knew about what had happened.

If my buddy's wife is slutting around, he needs to know. (Monogamous) Relationships are established on mutual trust and when one side betrays that trust, it undermines the integrity of the relationship. There is no excuse for infidelity or attempts thereof. I tell him and leave it up to him to decide what he should do about it. End of story.

Not end of story, however. Your buddy, in denial, blames you and everything you stand for. Sex kitten purrs him back into her little nest.

Hopefully one day buddy realizes the truth.

End of story as to my obligations in response to her coming onto me I should say. He can blame me all he wants, I was just enlightening him to the fact that his trusted counterpart is not so trustworthy. If he lashes out at me for it and goes back to her then so be it, he made his bed he can lie in it I won't tell him how to go about his relationship. I wouldn't say "Hey d00d your girl was hittin on me, you should dump her ass man", more like "Hey bud I thought you should know your girlfriend came onto me pretty strongly the other day, didn't seem right not to tell you." I would be pissed if my female counterpart was trying to slut around behind my back, and someone who knew didn't tell me. If you want to be with someone else then go on and do it, don't lead me on trying to have your cake and eat it too ya whore. (This all applies to men as well as women)

I agree with you. Although I voted "wouldn't tell" I totally think I should...I just don't know that I would.

Yeah I would like to say that I always would, but you're right this is one of those things easier said than done.

Ali - hypothetical question or actual situation?

But what if it's not just a girlfriend, it's a spouse, and there are kids involved? For example, if this happened to me (which it totally wouldn't because I'm completely not my best friend's husband's type, but let's say it did...) My best friend is a stay-at-home mother of four children, all under the age of 7. If her marriage dissolved she would be in a world of fucking hurt. Yet at the same time, I know that she probably wouldn't be able to stay in the marriage if she knew her husband was actively trying to cheat on her. In all honesty, if he was just looking for some strange and had every intention of staying in the marriage, she might genuinely prefer to remain ignorant. I would have a very serious, threatening conversation with the husband who hit on me, and determine what his underlying motivations were. If it looked like the marriage were doomed anyway, I'd tell her. But if it seemed to me that he realized what a dumbass he was being, and understood that it would never happen again or I would tell her, then I'd write it off as not worth the agony.

Poly relationships are founded on mutual trust as well... there is just as much infidelity and cheating and betrayal in poly relationships as there are in monogamous relationships...

Well it's happened to me in the past, but not recently. I think we hang around with a more honourable group of people than some of the trogs I used to know when I was younger.

My cousins husband put the hard word on me once but I didn't say anything. I just told him to fuck off and remember he's married to someone I love very much.

He's cheated on her in the past and she knows about it, but she chooses to stay with him to spite the fact that most of us have made it pretty clear what a loser we think he is at different times. They have three kids and have been together since high school. I guess it'd be hard to leave a relationship like that.

Recently they moved out of the city to the country. My cousin told us girls it was her last ditch effort to save the marriage. We've all been supportive, but we're quietly concerned about the move and whether her husband is going to do the right thing for once.

I said No, but it would really depend on whether I was intending to sleep with him or not.

Always gets complicated when there are kids involved, gotta do what's best for them because they only get one shot at a stable childhood in which to develop.

I would tell my friend. I don't hold with the violatin' of a committed relationship, married or unmarried.

Probably more, because people tend to let any gray areas get that much more gray in poly relationships. There are as many poly arrangements as you might dare imagine. Some are no rules whatever, some are laden with rules. Spousal approval beforehand. Do what you want but you gotta tell. Only permissible when the moon is full the third week of August.

This sort of thing has to be handled with delicacy. As was mentioned before, its just as likely that the person who stood to lose the most when things were revealed would simply assassinate your character, call you a liar and move on. People can often suck, especially opportunistic horndogs.

(This is not directed at anyone in specific, I'm just ranting a bit)

Yes, chances are if you fess up to the friend, you will be blamed by one of them. That's human nature.

However, knowing that this behavior is happening and not informing the friend is wrong. It's not a matter of 'it's not my business'. It became your business when the spouse tried to sleep with you. They involved you, and you are obligated to inform the friend that they are involved with an untrustworthy person. Keeping that back is a lie of omission, and furthermore, you're contributing to the deception being perpetrated on your friend.

Also, think of it this way, for those that worry about the other problems that would occur: What happens when the spouse gets an STD? What happens when the spouse gets pregnant/gets someone pregnant? What happens when the spouse finally decides that strange is all s/he wants? By not informing the friend, the impact is worse down the road. And, to add salt to the wound, you then have the knowledge that you knew and didn't tell the friend so that they could make a choice as to what to do about it themselves.

People deserve to be informed about all aspects of their life. Stop trying to protect or baby others. They are fully capable of making decisions about their life.

If the spouse was a car thief, would you tell the friend? If he were a drug addict, would you tell? If he simply talked shit about the friend behind their back, would you tell?

All of those scenarios can only happen if the spouse intends to keep attempting to cheat. If it's obvious the husband has no remorse for having hit on me, then yes, of course the friend needs to be told. But that whole adage "once a cheater, always a cheater" is just not always true. Some people truly have a momentary lapse in judgment, and the realization that they've risked everything is enough to scare them shitless and they never try it again. I've seen multiple marriages survive adultery with no relapse, and the other spouse didn't always know about it.

Yes.. if they are propositioning me... they are probably propositioning others too... friend needs to know what is going on...

I'd want to know...

My "friends" didn't tell me about my ex... I wish they did... I'd have left sooner

The friend deserves to know. It is not for you to decide if that incident was inconsequential. It is between the friend and the spouse to work that out. If it was truly a momentary relapse, then let the spouse convince the friend of that. You do not have the right to make that choice for the friend. Just like you do not have the right to deny them the full honest truth.

For everyone involved, it is better to know immediately, even if it seems like it's so much worse at first.

I replied on the assumption that he meant it; and yeah, I'd start with telling my spouse, but tend to think that if a guy is trying it on somewhere, he'll be trying it on everywhere ...