My 2 1/2 yearold is hitting!
 

She is smacking other kids for no apparent reason. I could understand if she was provoked, but lately she seems to be doing it almost as a form of greeting.

I need advice. I've denied her sweets. I've put her in timeout in the corner. I've taken toys and put them into timeout. When I ask her why she got in trouble or why her whatever was taken away, she will answer that it was because she hit. But she continues to do it.

Please help.

Is she doing it to get attention? In other words, are you giving her positive attention when she isn't hitting? Or does she mostly get attention when she misbehaves? Kids prefer positive attention, but if they aren't getting enough to suit them, they will do something bad to get negative attention. Any attention, even bad, is better than little attention from a kid's perspective. And their idea of the right amount of attention is different than an adult's.

If you aren't already, you should praise her when she does things the way she is supposed to. Even if it's something that you think she should be doing anyway. Look for things to praise her on.

Does she actually understand what you mean by "hit"? You say it almost seems to be a form of greeting. Maybe she doesn't understand that that is the behaviour you are talking about? Perhaps she can't distinguish between a gentle touch and a slap? When she hits, try re-enacting the situation with what she sould have done -or better still "what she should do next time"

"Uh-oh, Esmerelda, it looks like you were too rough when you said hi to Ernest then. You hit him and it hurt him. Let's go over and say sorry.......OK next time, when you want to say hi, use your words and gentle touches only. Like this. Can you try that?" Or something like that. Model the desirable behaviour. And praise her when it's good. "I noticed how you were very gentle when you said hi there. that was great".

yeah, you may need to have a barf bucket handy if this "happy child care professional" talk doesn't come naturally. But just don't laugh. it spoils it.

We had to tell our 18 month-old not to be so rough with her 3 month-old brother; we told her that brother is "nice" and you have to treat him "nice" ... and now she pats him (and everything else) and says "niiice, niiice" ... for instance, if you want something from mama, she is "niiice" ...

niiiiice

We DO praise her when she does good.

She's very creative, quite the imagination. And she's very smart. I'm pretty sure that she knows what I mean when I say "hit" and that she knows it's wrong.

Reason I said she seems to be doing it as a greeting is this...
Our current in-home daycare provider is moving to the other side of the city, so we're trying to find someone who is in our area. My wife and daughter have been out to visit several potential replacements. In about half of the visits, my little one has hit one (or more) of the kids there, with no apparent provocation.

What do you do at the moment she "hits" these kids? You can't exactly put her toys in a time out then, can you? At two and a half, any consequence/redirection/modelling/feedback needs to be immediate.

You do need to show her the alternative behaviour. At the time of offence. And "pretty sure she understands" sounds like you might want to look at this and actually talk to her about it to be sure. Can't do any harm.

Good. Well, at least that eliminates a possibility.

I'd have to go with monster then. "You do need to show her the alternative behaviour. At the time of offence." You (or someone) needs to deal with this at the time it happens.

It sounds like it's time to start examining the effectiveness of various punishments. Some kids are mentally mature enough to realize that if they just wait a few minutes, "time out" will be over with no lasting effects. The toys may need to be taken away for the rest of the day, or time out may need to be made more unpleasant than just sitting to the side and waiting (like being moved to a separate room with no one else to watch, or facing the wall for example,) or something else entirely.

Good points. Thank you.

Let her smack a kid who'll smack her right back. That'll learn her. [/whatnottodoasaparent]

The above post requires a warning! Thats TFF.

Keep talking to her, every time she hits someone, stop her and talk about being nice vs hurting people. If she does it at home, sit her on a time-out stool for one minute. Get down on her level and talk calmly and face to face.

My daughter just went through this stage, including pinching when mad. But it's fading now, after much talking and time-outs. She rarely hits anymore. She'll be 3 in two months.

ps...I never hit (spank) her as punishment. Ever. So it is very clear to her that hitting isn't something we do to other people, no matter what.

I've tried not to spank, but sometimes...

That message is one I've been worried about sending. A friend of mine suggested "thumping" her on the forehead. More of a flick of the middle finger off the thumb. Seems to get her attention.

Friday, she went to daycare with the threat of "We don't hit people. If you hit anyone, you won't get gummies." At pickup, the report was "She was very good and she didn't hit anyone." So she got gummies.

Awesome!!

Alas, mine reverted over the weekend and did some biting. I need to do some more work with her on how to express her anger without hurting people.

Yeah. That's what I thought.

Mine seems to express anger by yelling about it. She doesn't much get physical. The hitting has been for no apparent reason.

My kindergartener came home the other day and sheepishly told me he had to go see the vice-principal because he'd cut a classmate's hair.

It was April Fool's day. The little guy got me.

What a great sense of humor your kid has, glatt. :)

Spanking is incredibly effective, but it has to be done correctly. The best way to do that is to start kids when they are young. If they do something wrong, you spank them. You cannot spank in anger because that teaches them it is a way to act when you are angry.

You tell them no. If they dont listen, you tell them again. If it happens a third time you spank and tell them no again. You do this when they are young and you wont have to worry about it when they are older. They will associate you saying no with spanking.

It is a real contraversial subject because parents dont want to disipline with violence. But spanking isnt violence. It is punishment. There is a huge difference. My parents spanked when we were young, and after they had no problem with gaining respect from us.

My dad's brother didnt believe in spanking his kids, he believed in time out. I remember a time we were over at his house and my uncle told him to do something and he just walked away and said, "Fuck you dad, im leaving." Thats something I would never say to my dad.

...and you turned out alright.....?

what about people who don't spank because they prefer redirection and positive reinforcement as behaviour modification tools? Are they fools? Or are they people the spamkers may envy at grandparebt stage,, when their family's visits to the grandparents is from love and not duty? Just a thought....

I actually taze my children. I think it's more humane than spanking because it is a regulated amount of non-harmful pain.

It would be cool if they could build a shock device into diapers -like the invisible electric fence thing for dogs. in fact, let's make it moisture sensitive -potty training will be a breeze! This idea is so aweome I'm printing and dating before I post, so don't even think about marketing D'oh-diapers without paying me......

D'oh Diapers. You're too much. :lol:

She isn't learning that "hitting is something we never do to people", she's learning that hitting is something SHE can do to people without meaningful consequence.

Hitting is a power-play. It's the cause and effect that she is playing with. By hitting this person, I can get them to react, to cry, to run away, to scream out to mommy, I can get adults to react to me. That's a very powerful set of responses to a simple action.

There are two possibilities here, as I see it:

1) Your daughter is pre-rational in her ability to connect action with complex imposed consequence, so things like time-out and toys going away don't enter her decision-making process at the time of the incident.

2) Your daughter is able to rationally consider the imposed consequence in her decision-making, and likes the power she has over other children through hitting enough that she is willing to put up with the consequence.

A judicious use of spanking would work for either case!

"I can hit YOU, but you can't hit ANYONE". Makes perfect sense.

Hitting is a power-play. It's the cause and effect that we are playing with. By hitting this person, I can get them to react, to obey, to pay attention, to scream out to anyone who will listen. I can get children to react to me. That's a very powerful set of responses to a judicious action.

Where did we get the silly idea that parents and children are peers, and operate under the same rules?

Is anyone in this thread saying that?

Myself and the rest of my brothers and sister of course have had our difficulties in life. I have not always made the right choices, and neither have they. But we have always respected our parents. In my experience, parents that try to dicipline other ways and they dont work and continue to try and disipline that way have child that dont respect them.

For some kids the time out or the raised voice works, but it doesnt work for everyone. I suppose the key is to find out what works and stick with it. You cant keep doing the same thing without results and keep trying some more.

I have no respect for my parents. I was smacked/spanked. Go figure. Perhaps they didn't do it hard enough.

(Brits tend to say smack rather than spank -spanking is usually taken to mean reapeated (very hard) slaps on the bare arse, and so the word is usually used more in regards to a sexual perversion)